moving home
The best Idea I have ever had. I have never done so little work for my classes....somehow i expect I will still pass them all, hopefully getting all A's in all three of them. However, that would mean that in the next two weeks I overload myself with school work. Probably a good distraction. I can't go having fooling around with anyone who is probably really really bad for me....but somehow I just can't help myself. Of course I am always attracted to trouble. I don't know why, or what it is about trouble. I just can't keep myself away. I use trouble to distract myself from all the really crappy stuff that goes on. Like feeling crappy because of recovering from surgery, wanting only to watch a movie...and having to deal with drunkeness. I hate it. It's so hard to explain. Its annoying, its painful, its sad, its frustrating, its hateful, its distasteful, its destructive. I don't really even have words to describe it...that man has so many issues and he just puts them on me. Im an asshole, I need to shut up, he is disappointed in the way I am living my life, I'm not eating right, I'm a little obnoixious piece of shit, but he loves me, oh i dont know how much he loves me....no i really dont know....GOD IT IS SO FRUSTRATING TO HAVE TO DEAL WITH THIS CRAP....but oh no when i have lived...when i am older I am going to look back on this in twenty years and say oh yes dad you were exactly right...why dont you drink a little more and go crazy on me. I have an idea why don't you fix all your fucking problems with the shnaps!!! oh yes that is going to make your life so much better get drunk and high and be fucked up!!! That is going to make things so much clearer...that is going to make your abandoned house cleaned up....your girlfriend well again...and your kids more docile, better kids...tougher...like you....grow up on the streets see how that feels...always about him and his sad childhood and his crappy fucking life and it has gotten to the point where i just dont fucking care...and he knows he is an asshole....and he doesnt care either...except he isnt always an asshole. GOD I AM SO FULL OF EMPTINESS this muted anger, these unused tear that burn in the back of my eyes...not even attempting to fall. It is surreal....none of this stuff is happening to me. It feels as though I am almost peering through a window, emotion wise...i just dont give a damn about much right now. I care...obviously I care...this is me we are talking about. I care too much. When there is too much to care about, my caring fails me and I feel numb and I just don't feel much. I should but I don't. Im an ice queen.