Ugly Personality
I got frustrated today. I was frustrated with my brother, my father, and my mother. My father now works at my church. I gave him permission to do so.
My frustration was that my mother seems to stand in the corner. I don't want to go to her. I don't want to help her, to be sociable. I have been working on building a community here, though it will be while I'm only in college, but still! I feel like she's putting me back out of the loop, drawing me back into the corner and making it harder for others to come up and talk to me, for me to go talk to them.
I should not feel this way towards my mother, she is a good person. I love her very much... I am a selfish child.
My brother also frustrated me. He did not take off work so our christmas plans have to be changed. He messed up last semester and I feel he is so unjustly cocky. I don't like it when he taps his fingers on the table making noise - I only don't like it because I feel the same towards him. He was not particpating in this church till my father started working there. He was not trying at all. I got stuck in the snow with my car and he told me, "you don't know how to tap the gas right." THE SNOW WAS FLUFFY AND I HAVE NO TRACTION! SHUT YOUR F-ING MOUTH! He failed last semester and he's always so cocky - as if he is so good!
My father doesn't get it. He doesn't understand. To him, I should just be his little girl. I should have boyfriends, school, be happy... He wants me to be better than what I am, he wants me to have things I don't... It frustrates that I'm not to his standards a times, that I have to always be perfect - that I feel so lectured by him (even though sometimes he's just stating things and not lecuturing at all). I feel like I'm just that child, that child who doesn't know anything - or the person who's supposed to have those hopes and dreams that I don't have - things I don't want. He doesn't always listen to what I'm saying, he's listening to what he thinks I want (to maybe what a normal person would want...).
The truth is... the real truth. I'm annoyed that they are taking away my attention, my independence, my self. I'm annoyed that they are putting me back into that box I use to be in, the one were I would be quiet and inactive, where I wouldn't participate in things, where I was in my own world... I want to grow. Let me grow, please. Let me like what I like, let me be how I be... and maybe, do something for me. Not money - but ACT a certain way. BE SOCIABLE yourself, BE SUCCESSFUL yourself, and BE HEALTHY yourself. Or just be yourself and tell me to be myself - no hopes, no dreams, no "you should do it this way" crap.
My brother is a good brother. He has always helped me when I needed it. My mother is a great mother, she listens to me and hears me out... My father is great, and I admire him.
I should not be like this. I should not be so angry. Life is short and this is ugliness. It's no wonder I don't date. It's no wonder I'm such a loner, and it's no wonder why I feel like the world isn't all that hopeful as I sometimes like to make others believe... Because this ugliness taints me and my world is not as hopeful.
I am ugly - Outside... and In.
My frustration was that my mother seems to stand in the corner. I don't want to go to her. I don't want to help her, to be sociable. I have been working on building a community here, though it will be while I'm only in college, but still! I feel like she's putting me back out of the loop, drawing me back into the corner and making it harder for others to come up and talk to me, for me to go talk to them.
I should not feel this way towards my mother, she is a good person. I love her very much... I am a selfish child.
My brother also frustrated me. He did not take off work so our christmas plans have to be changed. He messed up last semester and I feel he is so unjustly cocky. I don't like it when he taps his fingers on the table making noise - I only don't like it because I feel the same towards him. He was not particpating in this church till my father started working there. He was not trying at all. I got stuck in the snow with my car and he told me, "you don't know how to tap the gas right." THE SNOW WAS FLUFFY AND I HAVE NO TRACTION! SHUT YOUR F-ING MOUTH! He failed last semester and he's always so cocky - as if he is so good!
My father doesn't get it. He doesn't understand. To him, I should just be his little girl. I should have boyfriends, school, be happy... He wants me to be better than what I am, he wants me to have things I don't... It frustrates that I'm not to his standards a times, that I have to always be perfect - that I feel so lectured by him (even though sometimes he's just stating things and not lecuturing at all). I feel like I'm just that child, that child who doesn't know anything - or the person who's supposed to have those hopes and dreams that I don't have - things I don't want. He doesn't always listen to what I'm saying, he's listening to what he thinks I want (to maybe what a normal person would want...).
The truth is... the real truth. I'm annoyed that they are taking away my attention, my independence, my self. I'm annoyed that they are putting me back into that box I use to be in, the one were I would be quiet and inactive, where I wouldn't participate in things, where I was in my own world... I want to grow. Let me grow, please. Let me like what I like, let me be how I be... and maybe, do something for me. Not money - but ACT a certain way. BE SOCIABLE yourself, BE SUCCESSFUL yourself, and BE HEALTHY yourself. Or just be yourself and tell me to be myself - no hopes, no dreams, no "you should do it this way" crap.
My brother is a good brother. He has always helped me when I needed it. My mother is a great mother, she listens to me and hears me out... My father is great, and I admire him.
I should not be like this. I should not be so angry. Life is short and this is ugliness. It's no wonder I don't date. It's no wonder I'm such a loner, and it's no wonder why I feel like the world isn't all that hopeful as I sometimes like to make others believe... Because this ugliness taints me and my world is not as hopeful.
I am ugly - Outside... and In.