"I'm Acting!"
Ugg. Acting. What's with that? So recently we all had to do the same monologue and perform it for everyone, which was kind of cool to see how everyone did it, and I'll admit that I did do a pretty bangin' job. But this is what bothers me. Every time to do a monologue I get the same damn feedback from everybody and you know? Because I ALWAYS play it the same exact way, the way I'm good at, the way I know it will be very successful and everyone will love it. I'm good at strong characters, I never play vulnerable, never. With this monologue I totally could have played it as a vulnerable character and I saw that as a choice and I didn't take it. She was mad, she was funny, she was sarcastic. That's what I can do because that's me. Beth is that. I'm a funny kid, I'm sarcastic, I am blessed with great comedic timing and i know how to use it onstage and in real life. I hide behind anger, I know that. And I play all my pieces like this. For juries we need two contrasting monologues and it's fine to do one in the character I'm really good at but the other one needs to be different. I can't keep playing this stuff. I always talk about not wanting to be typed but I'm typing myself my not venturing my happy box. I was looking back over everything I've done this year and it's ALL like that. I haven't grown at all, or maybe I have and I've mastered and perfected this type, I mean I did do a really good job, I got a great response, lots of compliments, things I did everyone liked, made big choices, blah blah blah. I have got to get myself out of this place. This is like a Wicked thing. I'd like to think that I could play either Elphie or Glinda but I know that Glinda would be so hard for me. Elphie is just the character I'm awesome at. Strong woman, kinda funny, really intense. Glinda has so many more things going on. She's really not stupid. There are so many more emotional changes in Glinda, funny and silly, bitchy, humble, kind, loss, gain, and she does need to be strong but it's not the same strength. Elphaba's strength comes from her passion. Glinda's strength comes from having to prevail. I mean there were some times today where the angry thing slipped. It's "Whp's afraid of Virginia Wolff" Martha's Daddy White Mouse speech. And I do feel that I did well when I had to talk to daddy. Apperantly I have a very good "brown doe eyed puppy dog pitiful" face (thank you Tom). or the other nice moment was the part that goes "Hump the Hostess?! Fat chance. Fat chance." apparently my second fat chance was full of loss and pain and felt so real. Dunno, I can stick a lot of current emotions into this monologue. But. eh, I'm frustrated with myself and my lack of ability to change character. Do I not want to play vulnerability because I don't want to feel that? I don't know. I really have no idea. There needs to be some self exploration. I wish I was like a computer and came with a book of what I contain, it would be so much easier. I hate discovering things about myself. I think that's kind of weird to say but it's true, cause usually they're not pleasant. You know all the good things about yourself, usually what you figure out isn't the best stuff, or it's hard stuff. Which I don't like to deal with so if I just would have read my manual years ago I'd be having a much easier time. Gah, such is the nature of the theatre.