so lost in this great morbid confusion...is this really living??
i just cant figure myself out anymore. i have no idea wut im thinking, wut im feeling, i just dont know. i have shut out emotions for so fucken long, its really hard to feel anything anymore but a spare few things that have always fought their way in.
i really think ive bin doin better since ive started going out with rob...i have bin eating, and havnt bin cutting or really feeling the need to drink so much.
but then, every time i see him or am with him i just want to run far far away. and i dont know why, and i cant help it.
am i happy but just forgot wut happiness feels like?
am i too lost to be anything but depressed?
i just hate myself so fucking much i cant stand it.
everybody hates me too, even rob and issa are starting to hate me, and i cant say i blame them. ive probly bin treating rob like shit...he seems to feel like shit cause of me. and i hate myself even more for it...ive tried but i just hate lying, and the truth is have no fucken idea wut i want anymore... jax, well she doesnt care anymore...she has everything wether she knows it or not, she doesnt need me especially with harry, she hasnt needed me at all for a long time now. b4 harry too, so no matter wut our friendship is really over.
once u drift from sum1 when u were so close u can never go back. thats happened with everyone.
fucking. everyone.
but i cant blame them for trying to stay away from me emotionally, cause i know if i was a sane decent person i would run too.
whenever im in a good mood, everyone thinks im insane, i cant be myself around anyone anymore.
and when im quiet and depressed ppl just ignore me.
i cant stand it...i can never do anything right. ive bin trying to pay attention these first couple days in school, cause ive learned to try to be happy there cause its better than home and i have a good scheduale this year...and for the most part its bin working...but i have a feeling it will only be a matter of time b4 i get fed up with trying and only going backwards and getting grounded cause i can never fucking do well.
i cant do anything well. i have absolutely no future, and as the days go by i know the pressure of my future is growing and growing.
i wish i could feel. i wish i could just figure out wut i want, its wierd the last 2 guys ive actually cared about, its bin a love hate thing.
with allan, i hate the person he is...but i luv him, with rob, i luv the person he is, but cant luv him...
i think anyways...as i said b4 i cant figure out anything for sure.
allan could not give 2 shits about me, rob niether most likely, he could never understand me, but then nobody could so that shouldnt count agianst him its not his fault.
why the hell cant i stop thinking about allan? he just pisses me off so fucken much, hes obnoxious, loud, perverted, uses people, untrustworthy, cruel...
but is it even him i still have feelings for? or just miss the way things were when we started going out??
its probly that...
i cant stand cutting into those around me anymore. i know issa only hangs out with me cause most of the time she has no one better to hang out with, and rob, hes a really sweet guy, but i know im starting to cut into him too...and i hate hurting people. well at least i got a taste of happiness b4 i die. thats all i ever wished for. now, i will die complete. ((atreyu))
i can finally stop being a problem to everyone around me. my parents can stop worrying about wut a failure ill be, and i know they cant afford college and im not gonna be able to pay for it myself. im constantly bitchy, and cant help it i just need to be left alone. if im out of the picture they can start working on casey and raine and liam, and by then sean will be able to (willing is besides the point) help them out, since they are poor fucks. so at least my lil sis and bros will have a chance.
my friends, well they have better ppl to hang with and help them with stuff, so i can stop being burden for them too.
maybe a few people who thought they cared and cant see that i died to help them might be a lil upset i commited suicide, but u know wut, wut doesnt kill us will only make us stronger.((hatebreed))
so even if they think they are sad for a lil while in the end they will be stronger people with an insane, emotionally unstable timebomb out of their lives.
i hope one day they can see that i did this because i love them all, not because i am selfish or hated them. they deserve better than shit like my staining their lives.
i really think ive bin doin better since ive started going out with rob...i have bin eating, and havnt bin cutting or really feeling the need to drink so much.
but then, every time i see him or am with him i just want to run far far away. and i dont know why, and i cant help it.
am i happy but just forgot wut happiness feels like?
am i too lost to be anything but depressed?
i just hate myself so fucking much i cant stand it.
everybody hates me too, even rob and issa are starting to hate me, and i cant say i blame them. ive probly bin treating rob like shit...he seems to feel like shit cause of me. and i hate myself even more for it...ive tried but i just hate lying, and the truth is have no fucken idea wut i want anymore... jax, well she doesnt care anymore...she has everything wether she knows it or not, she doesnt need me especially with harry, she hasnt needed me at all for a long time now. b4 harry too, so no matter wut our friendship is really over.
once u drift from sum1 when u were so close u can never go back. thats happened with everyone.
fucking. everyone.
but i cant blame them for trying to stay away from me emotionally, cause i know if i was a sane decent person i would run too.
whenever im in a good mood, everyone thinks im insane, i cant be myself around anyone anymore.
and when im quiet and depressed ppl just ignore me.
i cant stand it...i can never do anything right. ive bin trying to pay attention these first couple days in school, cause ive learned to try to be happy there cause its better than home and i have a good scheduale this year...and for the most part its bin working...but i have a feeling it will only be a matter of time b4 i get fed up with trying and only going backwards and getting grounded cause i can never fucking do well.
i cant do anything well. i have absolutely no future, and as the days go by i know the pressure of my future is growing and growing.
i wish i could feel. i wish i could just figure out wut i want, its wierd the last 2 guys ive actually cared about, its bin a love hate thing.
with allan, i hate the person he is...but i luv him, with rob, i luv the person he is, but cant luv him...
i think anyways...as i said b4 i cant figure out anything for sure.
allan could not give 2 shits about me, rob niether most likely, he could never understand me, but then nobody could so that shouldnt count agianst him its not his fault.
why the hell cant i stop thinking about allan? he just pisses me off so fucken much, hes obnoxious, loud, perverted, uses people, untrustworthy, cruel...
but is it even him i still have feelings for? or just miss the way things were when we started going out??
its probly that...
i cant stand cutting into those around me anymore. i know issa only hangs out with me cause most of the time she has no one better to hang out with, and rob, hes a really sweet guy, but i know im starting to cut into him too...and i hate hurting people. well at least i got a taste of happiness b4 i die. thats all i ever wished for. now, i will die complete. ((atreyu))
i can finally stop being a problem to everyone around me. my parents can stop worrying about wut a failure ill be, and i know they cant afford college and im not gonna be able to pay for it myself. im constantly bitchy, and cant help it i just need to be left alone. if im out of the picture they can start working on casey and raine and liam, and by then sean will be able to (willing is besides the point) help them out, since they are poor fucks. so at least my lil sis and bros will have a chance.
my friends, well they have better ppl to hang with and help them with stuff, so i can stop being burden for them too.
maybe a few people who thought they cared and cant see that i died to help them might be a lil upset i commited suicide, but u know wut, wut doesnt kill us will only make us stronger.((hatebreed))
so even if they think they are sad for a lil while in the end they will be stronger people with an insane, emotionally unstable timebomb out of their lives.
i hope one day they can see that i did this because i love them all, not because i am selfish or hated them. they deserve better than shit like my staining their lives.