602660 patriot act

[lostcosmonaut]

List of presidential status

1. George Washington (1789-97, no party) is the first white president.
2. John Adams (1797-1801, Federalist) is the first president never to own slaves in his lifetime and the first of five presidents to be named John.
3. Thomas Jefferson (1801-09, Democratic-Republican) is the first atheistic president.
4. James Madison (1809-17, Democratic-Republican) is the principal author of the U.S. Constitution. Mmm hmm, so what have you done lately?
5. James Monroe (1817-25, Democratic-Republican) is of the opinion that the Europeans should stop meddling in our affairs. He is the fourth president thus far to own slaves while in office; cry him a river.
6. John Quincy Adams (1825-29, Democratic-Republican/ National Republican) is sure that if a civil war ever breaks out, the president can use his war powers to abolish slavery.
7. Andrew Jackson (1829-37, Democratic) hates John Quincy Adams. John Quincy Adams should have never said that thing about Andrew Jackson's wife.
8. Martin Van Buren (1837-41, Democratic) is the first President to have learned English as a second language.
9. William Henry Harrison (1841, Whig) is the first president to die in office, which explains why he isn't going to friend you back.
10. John Tyler (1841-45, Whig/ no party) is about to annex Texas.
11. James Knox Polk (1845-49, Democratic) hasn't been feeling well since starting this war with Mexico and is going to lie down for a minute.
12. Zachary Taylor (1849-50, Whig) is spending Independence Day sipping on iced milk and snacking on cherries.
13. Millard Fillmore (1850-53, Whig) is pretty sure he is the last Whig president ever. He has no idea what was in those cherries; why are you asking him?
14. Franklin Pierce (1853-57, Democratic) is the first alcoholic president. It's not his fault his wife and his country do not love him.
15. James Buchanan (1857-61, Democratic) is the first gay president. As such, Morrissey's lyrics lamenting the lack of presidential gayness both do and do not make sense to him.
16. Abraham Lincoln (1861-65, Republican/ National Union) is the first gay president to be assassinated. (Sorry to steal your thunder, Buchanan.) He is watching the rest of Act III ... in heaven.
17. Andrew Johnson (1865-69, Democratic/ National Union) cannot believe he's getting impeached again!
18. Ulysses Simpson Grant (1869-77, Republican) is the last president to have owned slaves in his lifetime.
19. Rutherford Birchard Hayes (1877-81, Republican) regrets withdrawing federal troops from the South. But what else could he do? Everybody was calling him a loser.
20. James Abram Garfield (1881, Republican) has a bullet in his spine. What do you think he's doing right now?
21. Chester Alan Arthur (1881-85, Republican) is liked by Mark Twain, and some days this is enough to take the pain away.
22. Grover Cleveland (1885-89, Democratic) is the first 49-year-old president to be in love with a 21-year-old woman.
23. Benjamin Harrison (1889-93, Republican) is sick and tired of people calling him the meat in a Grover Cleveland sandwich. They don't even know him. Get to know him. Who knows? You might like what you find.
24. Grover Cleveland (1893-97, Democratic) thinks math is math, and love is love.
      49 less 21 is 28.
      21 less 28 is -7.
      -7 goes into 49 -7 times.
      -7 goes into 21 -3 times.
      Grover goes into Frances.
      Now -3 and -7 can't get each other out of each other's minds. Frances Folsom, will you marry Grover Cleveland?
25. William McKinley (1897-1901, Republican) is certain that future medical technology would have rendered this injury non-fatal. He reckons he deserves it, though, for invading the Philippines and camouflaging it as liberation. Will the Filipinos forgive the Americans? They always do. What dupes!
26. Theodore Roosevelt (1901-09, Republican) had a lot of fun at a party over the week-end. It wasn't really a party, though. It was more like a war. He still can't believe the Filipinos declared war on us! Despite their faults, these people really know how to host.
27. William Howard Taft (1909-13, Republican) is sitting in his oversized tub letting the water rise and make a rosy beige continent of his belly. He visualizes himself on the beach on his continent's western shore reclining on a sturdy, ergonomic lounge chair under an umbrella made of banana leaves. Frank Santoro's Storeyville lies open on his lap to page 37, a giant picture of a ship sailing away into the gentlest yellow light ever seen. A young Filipino boy stands beside the chair attending to Governor-General Taft's comfort. The boy runs back and forth from a house-on-stilts bringing Taft halo-halo, kalamansi juice, and Sarsi in a plastic bag with a straw. He fans Taft's face with a banana leaf. "God damn," says Taft, "I miss this place."
28. Woodrow Wilson (1913-21, Democratic) has just returned from an appointment with his dentist, who told him that he found strong evidence that Wilson grinds his teeth in the middle of the night. "That's impossible," Wilson replied. "I'm always awake in the middle of the night checking my Google." It has occurred to Woodrow Wilson that negotiating postwar foreign policy might be stressing him out in ways that only his sleeping body knows.
29. Warren Gamaliel Harding (1921-23, Republican) is recovering from killing a squirrel with his automobile earlier today. In his head he tries himself for manslaughter.
    "Mr Foreman, the bailiff informs me that after a long walk in the valley of night of the soul, the jury have arrived at a verdict in this case. Is that right?"
    "We have, your honor."
    "All right, then we'll ask you to stand. How do you find as to the charge of aggravated manslaughter--not guilty or guilty?"
    "Not guilty."
    "How do you find as to the charge of reckless manslaughter?"
    "Sort of guilty."
    Judge Harding thanks all, calls for a return to normalcy, and dismisses court. Defendant Harding exhales. He still sees the victim in his rearview mirror flopping like a fish. Why the fuck can't these bastards wait a few seconds before crossing the street with a nut? It's not like it's a busy street. Warren G. Harding puts his car in reverse to finish the job.
30. Calvin Coolidge (1923-29, Republican) has always fallen for the Grace Anna Goodhues of this world. The utterly and effortlessly mental ones, the ones who can't stay mad and you can't stay mad at--who cut his seriousness with jokes for days, ass for weeks, and trouble--good and bad kinds--for months. When he walks down the street with Grace Anna Goodhue, he finds it easy to be in his skin and to stay still and to disappear. His skin turns a quick silver, and he is not moving. The whole sidewalk under him is moving as a mighty wave that swallows him one moment, cradles him the next, and the neighborhood goes silver. Sidewalks are silver. His skin is silver. Grace's hair is silver. His surfboard is silver. Parked cars are silver. Homeless people are silver. 7-11 is silver. He has tried dating Earth girls, but they haven't had this effect on him. They thought he was the strange one, and how can that be? Calvin Coolidge is the most normal president of all.
31. Herbert Clark Hoover (1929-33, Republican) allows that he might be Depressed.
32. Franklin Delano Roosevelt (1933-45, Democratic) sometimes feels as if his own body is against him. However, it is very, very, very, very important that nobody feel sorry for him ever. He, for instance, has never felt sorry for Christ. Whether or not Christ is a fairy tale--let's be real, he's Santa Claus and Wile E. Coyote--not feeling sorry for him is of utmost importance. We may root for him; we may worry about him; we may mock him; but if we feel sorry for him then his story is useless. Life, brothers and sisters, is a field of roses. We have to trust our brothers and sisters to navigate the field--to fall, to get up, to get lost, to stop and smell the roses, to cultivate a prizewinning garden, to destroy the roses using a flamethrower, to wear a crown of thorns, to fail, to die, and to wake up--all without our pity. To pity another human is to remove him from the center of his own story. Christ is no extra in the movie of the life of Christ. Nobody's a goddam fucking extra. Would you be a dear and hand President Roosevelt his cane, please?
33. Harry S Truman (1945-53, Democratic) sings,
      Shyness is nice, and
      shyness can stop you
      from doing all the things in life
      you'd like to.
      So if there's something you'd like to try--
      if there's something you'd like to try,
      ask me, I won't say no, how could I?
34. Dwight David Eisenhower (1953-61, Republican) insists that In God We Trust be added to all paper money but plans to veto a bill passed by Congress requiring that In Money We Trust be printed on God. He's not at all sure if he's going to heaven and doesn't quite understand how anybody could be sure.
35. John Fitzgerald Kennedy (1961-63, Democratic) is giving it to two ladies at the same time, and one of them knows about the other, but she is cool with it. High five, bro.
36. Lyndon Baines Johnson (1963-69, Democratic) is poor, grew up poor, and will always be poor. You wouldn't understand, but poor is in his blood.
37. Richard Milhous Nixon (1969-74, Republican) very much enjoyed Dark Knight and doesn't care that all the other presidents did, too. He loves that every president has a different answer when you ask, "What's it all about?" LBJ thinks it's all about game theory. Teddy's in it for the action. Lincoln finds the sweaty tension between its protagonist and antagonist interesting, to say the least. Truman says not liking Dark Knight is un-American. Dubya swears it's him, he's Batman. And Nixon, he likes to listen in on all the other guys. It's like a movie being projected onto another movie.
38. Gerald Rudolph Ford Jr (1974-77, Republican) is not sure if the girl he likes likes him back. I mean, yeah, it seems like maybe they are dating just by accident. She never voted him into office, after all, but that's OK. Gerald Ford is OK with being alone. He can see being alone for the rest of his life, but never to have love for somebody else is inconceivable.
39. James Earl Carter (1977-81, Democratic) apologizes for the past and for the future. He can go anywhere in history just by concentrating on it. Gettysburg, he's there. Jefferson giving it to Hemings on a stack of hay, he's there, too. Woo, hot stuff. They appear to have real feelings. Sinking of the Maine: Jimmy Carter is the only one who knows what really happened. Back to the present: watching Star Wars for the first time with Rosalynn and Amy. Lust in his heart for Carrie Fisher in a full-length robe and laughable hairdo. He unwittingly memorizes her facial expressions, which causes a lifelong iteration of déjà vu triggered by particular smiles, pouts, and glowers of ladies he meets.
40. Ronald Wilson Reagan (1981-89, Republican) is watching himself on Youtube, and it simply isn't the same.
41. George Herbert Walker Bush (1989-1993, Republican) loves Youtube, though. He loves to watch a loop of Clinton saying he did not have sexual relations with that woman, Miss Lewinsky, set to Pet Shop Boys' "To Speak Is a Sin". He pretends Clinton is playing the saxophone part, and laughs. How does it feel to be laughingstock of the world, golden boy?
42. William Jefferson Clinton (1993-2001, Democratic) is uploading a high-definition clip of Bush, Sr upchucking on the Prime Minister of Japan's lap.
43. George W. Bush (2001-2009, Republican) doesn't know how it all went wrong, but he is forbidden from telling anybody that he doesn't know how it all went wrong. In fact, he is not allowed to begin any sentence with the words I don't know. Is it really so bad? Presidents used to be able to brush it off when critics accused them of being the worst president ever, because everybody knew that James "Civil War" Buchanan was the worst president ever forever! Now they aren't so sure. He strips down to boxers and a t-shirt and crawls into bed. For the 2,000th consecutive night, sleep will come in spurts. He'll wake up to jot down scraps of a dream in his notebook. Tonight all the tanks, bombs, and fighter planes have a Hello Kitty insignia stenciled on their sides, and Congress is not one bit pleased. What's their problem, it's not funny? Dubya knows that life is not fair and that history will not remember him as a fun guy, even though he is. A genuine guy, a guy who has thought things through. It's too late, he's too old, no one's around. Well, then, he writes, I'll just have to remember myself that way.
44. John Sidney McCain III (2009-, Republican) just got back from a long road trip across America. There's no way that one dude can be president of all of this.

http://www.vimeo.com/1163685