I am Karma
So in these past 24 hours, I did something that I thought that I wouldn't do, and kept that person in mind, despite the fact that I am no longer, or nor do I want to be friends with for the rest of my life.
I've been talking to Chris a lot in these past couple of days, and we finally see eye to eye with everything that is going on between us. So me, being nice asking for him to come over and we can hang out. He said sure, if I am still awake, but keep in mind, that he's going to be high and asks me to promise him, that if he tries anything, that I should stop him. Seeing him brought a rush of feelings to me, and I did everything I could to not touch him, but found myself doing it, out of love and playfulness. Then I found him laying on my chest, and I couldn't help but hold on to the scent of him, which smelt of weed, and not what I remember of him, but tried hard to grasp the smell of what I could make out. Then he proceeds to finally gain some sort of consciousness and start to kiss my face. I let him, because it's not us kissing, but then I kept finding myself close to them...closer..and kiss. It felt like chocolate, gold, honey, the sweet richness of love that has bonded us together for these past 8 years..for life.
But then things got heavy, deeper passionate kissing, something that I've been yearning for, what I've missed. But I stopped, and said to him, "I know you don't want to go much further", keeping in mind that he trusted in me not to let anything go any further, but the feeling of it felt too good for it's own good. And touching and grabbing began to happen.
After it happened, he started to fall asleep, and all these thoughts started to cloud my mind.
-You mean the world to me, and I know that this happening is going to most likely destroy any chances of us being together in the future.
-Allahia is probably falling in love with you
-Allahia's mother..if you can hear my thoughts, I just wanted you to know that my intentions were not to try and hurt her, despite the fact that she has caused this unbearable pain to my heart, that I might end up passing to her.
-I am Karma. I am the reason that this major event that is going to ensue on us is about to happen, and I wish to not see my end.
I started to smell his skin, take it in, touch his hair, touch just anything on him so I can remember the feeling of the closeness I gotten so spoiled by. I open the window and let the cold breeze of the dewy night come in, cause I realized that he was sweating so much. Then I looked to the time, and started to freak out. I wanted him to go home, but then again, me being the way that I am, decided that I wanted him to go and sleep for a bit before hitting the road.
Mistake.
I finally get him to wake up, and we go inside, and he instantly fell asleep as soon as he hit the bed. I laid next to him, and he automatically wrapped his arm around me, like back when we were together as teenagers. And then I fell asleep. 7 am, tried to wake him up, never woke up. 7:30 finally came, and I woke up realizing I was holding his face, watching him sleep and seeing his porcelain skin so close to mine was intoxicating. No thoughts of Allahia came to my mind, for I know I don't owe her anything, and she is nothing to me in my life. He woke up, looked at me the way that he always used to, and stretched and started to kiss me, touching my skin so delicately, and I was instantly on fire. My fervor for him blinded my judgement and 3 words simply ignited the fire. Before I knew it, I was in these intense, passionate love making with him. Something that I forgot how much I've missed. I took in every second, moment, the look of his face, the feeling of his hands, everything.
Then when it was over, the bliss ended as soon as it was started. And what I forgot to mention, is that I got a Restricted Call, which I'm pretty sure, that if I had answered it, none of this would of happened. As soon as Chris was in his car, on the phone, I was automatically feeling this sense of him being torn in such a way, that I couldn't help but not call him. And as soon as I call him, he starts bawling his eyes out, and drove all the way to her house, to tell her. And I know, I know! that she doesn't deserve it, god knows she doesn't deserve it. But I think in this whole fucked up equation, I never deserved any of this myself. I should feel bad and horrible, but I don't. I wanted her to feel what I've felt for these past couple of months, but not in this way or manner. And this is how I know, that I was the cause of this all.
Right when I was about to leave to go and party for my friends birthday, he texts me saying. "I'm sorry, but I have to move on.I can't keep being the person I was before." To me, this 'change' that Chris keeps claiming never happened. He's still the old person that lies and hurts. And now he's hurt both me and Allahia. And for this, he doesn't deserve any happiness coming his way. I never go on Allahia's blog, but for that day, I actually went on there for the first time in 6 months, and I know she's upset. Of course, why shouldn't she be? But then I realized with my conversation with Chris, he said that he needs to move on. Chris has always chose the other person over me, for as long as I can remember with the whole Danis situation. I will never be this man's number one, excuse me, boy. He's a coward, and makes me look like I am the devil in disguise. Now I'm sort of hearing that Allahia doesn't want him to talk to me anymore. Excuse me, but who was with him for 8 years? Whose known him since they were both kids? Who has impacted his life for so long? You may be there now, but do you honestly think it will be like this forever? You put yourself in this situation, knowing that both Chris and I are fucked up people, with so much baggage. He should have never given himself to you, knowing the state that he was in. He wasn't ready for a relationship, because he is using you for his own selfish needs. And as I type this, my heart has melted a bit, because I am as cold as ice, and I am getting teary eyes as I type this, you should be stronger than this. Rise above this, despite the fact the way I feel about you, I had to rise. But I found myself knocked down a few steps back, but I know that I can get over it. You didn't deserve this kind of pain, nor did I deserve any of this either. At the end of the day, Chris should be alone for the rest of his life for the way he tags people along to feel such things. And I shouldn't have let him go, Jamel said if I love him so damn much, why did I let him go?
I don't know what is going to be happening for the rest of this month, or the months to come. But all I know is that neither Allahia and I deserve this. I really have realized that Chris is just not a good person, and I see why NOBODY likes him. He's a disgusting excuse for a human being. And I wasted 8 years of my life being the 3rd choice for him. No, not second either, 3rd. I've been trying to compete with everybody to show him that I exist. And when we all became a unit, and in some ways, Jamel pointed it out, we will always be that way. But I have fallen from that unit, because I am not connected to you both that way. I have slipped away, but a puff of smoke takes my place. This is probably either going to make us or break us. And despite the way I feel about her, some sick twisted way, I think this might bring us to some sort of grounding with each other. Who knows.
Time is getting away from me, but something has got to give. I called Chris, and was stern, because I really don't think this idiot knows what he's doing. And I know I said I hope she takes him back. She's so much better than that. Even though I really don't like her, I know any woman deserves more than this. And I went down to the lowest of lows of sleeping with him for my own selfish reasons. All 3 of us are selfish, but this is the time where we learn from our mistakes and go through the real shit in order to come to the surface and see what life really is.
And I will leave it at that..
I've been talking to Chris a lot in these past couple of days, and we finally see eye to eye with everything that is going on between us. So me, being nice asking for him to come over and we can hang out. He said sure, if I am still awake, but keep in mind, that he's going to be high and asks me to promise him, that if he tries anything, that I should stop him. Seeing him brought a rush of feelings to me, and I did everything I could to not touch him, but found myself doing it, out of love and playfulness. Then I found him laying on my chest, and I couldn't help but hold on to the scent of him, which smelt of weed, and not what I remember of him, but tried hard to grasp the smell of what I could make out. Then he proceeds to finally gain some sort of consciousness and start to kiss my face. I let him, because it's not us kissing, but then I kept finding myself close to them...closer..and kiss. It felt like chocolate, gold, honey, the sweet richness of love that has bonded us together for these past 8 years..for life.
But then things got heavy, deeper passionate kissing, something that I've been yearning for, what I've missed. But I stopped, and said to him, "I know you don't want to go much further", keeping in mind that he trusted in me not to let anything go any further, but the feeling of it felt too good for it's own good. And touching and grabbing began to happen.
After it happened, he started to fall asleep, and all these thoughts started to cloud my mind.
-You mean the world to me, and I know that this happening is going to most likely destroy any chances of us being together in the future.
-Allahia is probably falling in love with you
-Allahia's mother..if you can hear my thoughts, I just wanted you to know that my intentions were not to try and hurt her, despite the fact that she has caused this unbearable pain to my heart, that I might end up passing to her.
-I am Karma. I am the reason that this major event that is going to ensue on us is about to happen, and I wish to not see my end.
I started to smell his skin, take it in, touch his hair, touch just anything on him so I can remember the feeling of the closeness I gotten so spoiled by. I open the window and let the cold breeze of the dewy night come in, cause I realized that he was sweating so much. Then I looked to the time, and started to freak out. I wanted him to go home, but then again, me being the way that I am, decided that I wanted him to go and sleep for a bit before hitting the road.
Mistake.
I finally get him to wake up, and we go inside, and he instantly fell asleep as soon as he hit the bed. I laid next to him, and he automatically wrapped his arm around me, like back when we were together as teenagers. And then I fell asleep. 7 am, tried to wake him up, never woke up. 7:30 finally came, and I woke up realizing I was holding his face, watching him sleep and seeing his porcelain skin so close to mine was intoxicating. No thoughts of Allahia came to my mind, for I know I don't owe her anything, and she is nothing to me in my life. He woke up, looked at me the way that he always used to, and stretched and started to kiss me, touching my skin so delicately, and I was instantly on fire. My fervor for him blinded my judgement and 3 words simply ignited the fire. Before I knew it, I was in these intense, passionate love making with him. Something that I forgot how much I've missed. I took in every second, moment, the look of his face, the feeling of his hands, everything.
Then when it was over, the bliss ended as soon as it was started. And what I forgot to mention, is that I got a Restricted Call, which I'm pretty sure, that if I had answered it, none of this would of happened. As soon as Chris was in his car, on the phone, I was automatically feeling this sense of him being torn in such a way, that I couldn't help but not call him. And as soon as I call him, he starts bawling his eyes out, and drove all the way to her house, to tell her. And I know, I know! that she doesn't deserve it, god knows she doesn't deserve it. But I think in this whole fucked up equation, I never deserved any of this myself. I should feel bad and horrible, but I don't. I wanted her to feel what I've felt for these past couple of months, but not in this way or manner. And this is how I know, that I was the cause of this all.
Right when I was about to leave to go and party for my friends birthday, he texts me saying. "I'm sorry, but I have to move on.I can't keep being the person I was before." To me, this 'change' that Chris keeps claiming never happened. He's still the old person that lies and hurts. And now he's hurt both me and Allahia. And for this, he doesn't deserve any happiness coming his way. I never go on Allahia's blog, but for that day, I actually went on there for the first time in 6 months, and I know she's upset. Of course, why shouldn't she be? But then I realized with my conversation with Chris, he said that he needs to move on. Chris has always chose the other person over me, for as long as I can remember with the whole Danis situation. I will never be this man's number one, excuse me, boy. He's a coward, and makes me look like I am the devil in disguise. Now I'm sort of hearing that Allahia doesn't want him to talk to me anymore. Excuse me, but who was with him for 8 years? Whose known him since they were both kids? Who has impacted his life for so long? You may be there now, but do you honestly think it will be like this forever? You put yourself in this situation, knowing that both Chris and I are fucked up people, with so much baggage. He should have never given himself to you, knowing the state that he was in. He wasn't ready for a relationship, because he is using you for his own selfish needs. And as I type this, my heart has melted a bit, because I am as cold as ice, and I am getting teary eyes as I type this, you should be stronger than this. Rise above this, despite the fact the way I feel about you, I had to rise. But I found myself knocked down a few steps back, but I know that I can get over it. You didn't deserve this kind of pain, nor did I deserve any of this either. At the end of the day, Chris should be alone for the rest of his life for the way he tags people along to feel such things. And I shouldn't have let him go, Jamel said if I love him so damn much, why did I let him go?
I don't know what is going to be happening for the rest of this month, or the months to come. But all I know is that neither Allahia and I deserve this. I really have realized that Chris is just not a good person, and I see why NOBODY likes him. He's a disgusting excuse for a human being. And I wasted 8 years of my life being the 3rd choice for him. No, not second either, 3rd. I've been trying to compete with everybody to show him that I exist. And when we all became a unit, and in some ways, Jamel pointed it out, we will always be that way. But I have fallen from that unit, because I am not connected to you both that way. I have slipped away, but a puff of smoke takes my place. This is probably either going to make us or break us. And despite the way I feel about her, some sick twisted way, I think this might bring us to some sort of grounding with each other. Who knows.
Time is getting away from me, but something has got to give. I called Chris, and was stern, because I really don't think this idiot knows what he's doing. And I know I said I hope she takes him back. She's so much better than that. Even though I really don't like her, I know any woman deserves more than this. And I went down to the lowest of lows of sleeping with him for my own selfish reasons. All 3 of us are selfish, but this is the time where we learn from our mistakes and go through the real shit in order to come to the surface and see what life really is.
And I will leave it at that..