Angst.
I've been in a funk the past few days. I was hoping time with Ben would sort it out, but it was one of those irritating weekends where one of us would be in a good mood and the other one would be feeling melancholy/bored/cranky, and as soon as the cranky one started feeling better the first one would start getting down. We did manage to synch up a few times but it wasn't like our regular visits where it's all "Yay, each other." These ones happen sometimes and it's always severely lame, even if it's nobody's fault.
I had a long cry tonight. Well, maybe not objectively long, but long for me who is queen of the 30-second tear-up-with-recovery. It was also full-out crying, not just tearing up. Just so many things were bothering me at once, I guess.
- Not exercising even though I know I would feel great if I did
- Eating like crap even though I know it makes me feel terrible
- Ben going to California in August
- Being scared of failing biochem
- Being pissed at myself for not studying more
- Feeling too intimidated to study
- Being pissed that when I do try and study I fall asleep uncontrollably
- Being afraid I won't get into vet school
- Being afraid I will get into vet school and will do poorly, either because of my crap study habits or because my brain really isn't big enough
- REALLY not wanting to live at home anymore
- Being pissed that over a year later, I still haven't received my so-called "graduation car" and my parents keep saying they're going to try this plan or that plan to get one and it never working out... I wish they just wouldn't promise things at all because I know they'll never actually be able to afford anything
- Mold growing on my carpet from leaking water from the upstairs ceiling that my parents haven't fixed, 2 years after the problem started
- Feeling like a fucking spoiled brat for not being able to handle working part-time and going to school part-time when I have friends who do both full-time and don't wuss out
- Being mad at myself for having stupid lame moods this weekend when I should've been happy with my Ben
- Being annoyed with Ben for also having stupid lame moods, although it's not like I think it's his fault or anything like I do with mine... it was still lame, though
- Knowing I don't get enough sleep and still not doing anything about it
- Feeling weird about a loooong conversation carried on with a drunk!Ben
- Recognizing that I'll probably be down to 2 friends in this whole city after people go to school/travel
- Wanting to fucking get out of here.
...fuck. May just have to go cry again. 'scuse me. :-/
I had a long cry tonight. Well, maybe not objectively long, but long for me who is queen of the 30-second tear-up-with-recovery. It was also full-out crying, not just tearing up. Just so many things were bothering me at once, I guess.
- Not exercising even though I know I would feel great if I did
- Eating like crap even though I know it makes me feel terrible
- Ben going to California in August
- Being scared of failing biochem
- Being pissed at myself for not studying more
- Feeling too intimidated to study
- Being pissed that when I do try and study I fall asleep uncontrollably
- Being afraid I won't get into vet school
- Being afraid I will get into vet school and will do poorly, either because of my crap study habits or because my brain really isn't big enough
- REALLY not wanting to live at home anymore
- Being pissed that over a year later, I still haven't received my so-called "graduation car" and my parents keep saying they're going to try this plan or that plan to get one and it never working out... I wish they just wouldn't promise things at all because I know they'll never actually be able to afford anything
- Mold growing on my carpet from leaking water from the upstairs ceiling that my parents haven't fixed, 2 years after the problem started
- Feeling like a fucking spoiled brat for not being able to handle working part-time and going to school part-time when I have friends who do both full-time and don't wuss out
- Being mad at myself for having stupid lame moods this weekend when I should've been happy with my Ben
- Being annoyed with Ben for also having stupid lame moods, although it's not like I think it's his fault or anything like I do with mine... it was still lame, though
- Knowing I don't get enough sleep and still not doing anything about it
- Feeling weird about a loooong conversation carried on with a drunk!Ben
- Recognizing that I'll probably be down to 2 friends in this whole city after people go to school/travel
- Wanting to fucking get out of here.
...fuck. May just have to go cry again. 'scuse me. :-/