self-interested post
I'm starting to think that I really care way too much about what other people think.
But, I was thinking last night, that I sort of contradict myself. I recalled how I acted in the restaurant we ate at for dinner, and I realized that I don't really bother anymore with faking emotions, especially with strangers.
I used to be incredibly self-conscious about what everyone thought of me, including strangers.
Now I just don't really bother with trying to impress people... I guess unless I really would like the person to have a good opinion of me.
And even though I'm not really trying to impress people anymore, I still feel like I'm not really being myself all the time. I think I'm letting other people choose who I am, instead of me deciding who I am. Or maybe I just don't know what I want to decide on.
Maybe I'm afraid to actually do what I want... like dress how I want, act how I want, like what I want...
I don't want my family to be unhappy with how I am or want to be. I'm already the black sheep of the family, and I'm kind of hesitant to do what I want, because I don't think my family/friends would approve.
I don't know, I feel like I'm contradicting myself a lot with this. There's a lot of random thoughts about this that I have, but piecing it together into something that makes sense isn't really working.
I'm sorry, I don't usually like writing with so many forms of " I " in one post... and I'm sorry for being emo.
Also, I realized that a lot of the things that I like some how connect to Amanda Palmer. It's strange. Maybe I should listen to more of her music.
I think I will learn a lot this summer...
But, I was thinking last night, that I sort of contradict myself. I recalled how I acted in the restaurant we ate at for dinner, and I realized that I don't really bother anymore with faking emotions, especially with strangers.
I used to be incredibly self-conscious about what everyone thought of me, including strangers.
Now I just don't really bother with trying to impress people... I guess unless I really would like the person to have a good opinion of me.
And even though I'm not really trying to impress people anymore, I still feel like I'm not really being myself all the time. I think I'm letting other people choose who I am, instead of me deciding who I am. Or maybe I just don't know what I want to decide on.
Maybe I'm afraid to actually do what I want... like dress how I want, act how I want, like what I want...
I don't want my family to be unhappy with how I am or want to be. I'm already the black sheep of the family, and I'm kind of hesitant to do what I want, because I don't think my family/friends would approve.
I don't know, I feel like I'm contradicting myself a lot with this. There's a lot of random thoughts about this that I have, but piecing it together into something that makes sense isn't really working.
I'm sorry, I don't usually like writing with so many forms of " I " in one post... and I'm sorry for being emo.
Also, I realized that a lot of the things that I like some how connect to Amanda Palmer. It's strange. Maybe I should listen to more of her music.
I think I will learn a lot this summer...