Confusion Ridden Mind
Be true to yourself..... but, how do you be true to yourself if you don't even know who you are. Again I come to this. Self doubt. Lost. Confused. This is what I feel.
Memories of the past arise within me. As if life pitches another curve to see how I react. My choices are many; what do I choose, and why do I choose it? I feel the urge again to live as a mercenary. Selling my life to the highest bidder in a war to kill. Why do these memories come back, why now? How come my heart yearns for it and why do I feel this urge to grasp it? Is it truly who I am, a Destroyer?! To kill others for profit or is it that I wish to kill for fun. What or who am I?
People say follow your heart, but it's as if I have several minds and bodies within me. Each telling me that there heart is the way to head. Each heart a piece of my own. How do you choose a path among dozen's?
Hmmmmm..... again I sense that this is my life, to decide. Perhaps I have not really been living these years. I mean life. Can I honestly say that I have been living life to it's fullest. My un-willingness to take a stand in important decision, do to what I fear of the consequences of my actions. I should make a choice and maybe then I will live.
I am deeply confused in what I should do, my heart aches in pain and I smile. I am still not use to that feeling. As if someone where ripping it out. I hate this feeling and yet I do not know how to cure it.
This memorial weekend is a 4 day weekend for me. I plan to head to a home I have not been to in many years. Maryland. Where still a piece of me lives. A place filled with so much pain and regret, but hidden deep in this darkness.....happiness. Perhaps I can mend some wounds to my own heart and cauterize the others. Death, life, friends, enemies, and love exist there. Though all things change over time. I expect that only a few people call me friend and even more consider me an enemy. Those I cared for will have disappeared except those that have disappeared from this world.
::chuckles silently:: The beauty I had left behind remains tucked away in my soul. I don't think anyone knows of my love for nature. Even I must admit that I have forgotten it as well. ::closes his eyes tightly:: To run through the forests around Deerfield as fast as I could; hurdling, ducking, and weaving between trees and bushes. A day where I spent more time outside and lived to the fullest of my youth.
I still remember back in 98, it was a winter night. Snowing but not cold, I felt alone like I have often felt walking to my friends house, but this night; the trees and the ground were covered in a thick blanket of snow and the lights reflected from a building not to far away. It illuminated the forest I was next to making it look surreal. I cried softly then, cause again I was alone and I was overwhelmed at the beauty that was shown before me. At that moment, I wished someone to have been there with me. Needless to say I never made it to my friends house and continued walking for the next 4 hours by myself.
I wish for those times back then, I was alone and I hated it but I was strong then and accepted who I was. A loner. No one could understand me then. No one could see me. I hid from the eyes of the world so that I could show my weakness to the stars. To the one thing that could never betray me. To the one thing that was always there.
So much was left back there. I want to pick up what I was then. Not what I have become.
With this I part, for weakness tugs at my heart once more and I would wish to be alone again.
"To the celestial heavens above. I offer my heart and thoughts in your presance. You always listen and offer companionship to a lone traveler. Forever guide me in your light."
A prayer to the heavens. An action I use to do on my walks at night.
Aluve' to you all. A gift to you all, but go outside and embrace the night. Close your eyes and feel the wind strike at your soul. Open them and look around you. Gaze to the skies and then immerse yourself in the stars that shine down upon you. Beauty is everywhere, just take time to stop and look. Works great when you open your heart.
Memories of the past arise within me. As if life pitches another curve to see how I react. My choices are many; what do I choose, and why do I choose it? I feel the urge again to live as a mercenary. Selling my life to the highest bidder in a war to kill. Why do these memories come back, why now? How come my heart yearns for it and why do I feel this urge to grasp it? Is it truly who I am, a Destroyer?! To kill others for profit or is it that I wish to kill for fun. What or who am I?
People say follow your heart, but it's as if I have several minds and bodies within me. Each telling me that there heart is the way to head. Each heart a piece of my own. How do you choose a path among dozen's?
Hmmmmm..... again I sense that this is my life, to decide. Perhaps I have not really been living these years. I mean life. Can I honestly say that I have been living life to it's fullest. My un-willingness to take a stand in important decision, do to what I fear of the consequences of my actions. I should make a choice and maybe then I will live.
I am deeply confused in what I should do, my heart aches in pain and I smile. I am still not use to that feeling. As if someone where ripping it out. I hate this feeling and yet I do not know how to cure it.
This memorial weekend is a 4 day weekend for me. I plan to head to a home I have not been to in many years. Maryland. Where still a piece of me lives. A place filled with so much pain and regret, but hidden deep in this darkness.....happiness. Perhaps I can mend some wounds to my own heart and cauterize the others. Death, life, friends, enemies, and love exist there. Though all things change over time. I expect that only a few people call me friend and even more consider me an enemy. Those I cared for will have disappeared except those that have disappeared from this world.
::chuckles silently:: The beauty I had left behind remains tucked away in my soul. I don't think anyone knows of my love for nature. Even I must admit that I have forgotten it as well. ::closes his eyes tightly:: To run through the forests around Deerfield as fast as I could; hurdling, ducking, and weaving between trees and bushes. A day where I spent more time outside and lived to the fullest of my youth.
I still remember back in 98, it was a winter night. Snowing but not cold, I felt alone like I have often felt walking to my friends house, but this night; the trees and the ground were covered in a thick blanket of snow and the lights reflected from a building not to far away. It illuminated the forest I was next to making it look surreal. I cried softly then, cause again I was alone and I was overwhelmed at the beauty that was shown before me. At that moment, I wished someone to have been there with me. Needless to say I never made it to my friends house and continued walking for the next 4 hours by myself.
I wish for those times back then, I was alone and I hated it but I was strong then and accepted who I was. A loner. No one could understand me then. No one could see me. I hid from the eyes of the world so that I could show my weakness to the stars. To the one thing that could never betray me. To the one thing that was always there.
So much was left back there. I want to pick up what I was then. Not what I have become.
With this I part, for weakness tugs at my heart once more and I would wish to be alone again.
"To the celestial heavens above. I offer my heart and thoughts in your presance. You always listen and offer companionship to a lone traveler. Forever guide me in your light."
A prayer to the heavens. An action I use to do on my walks at night.
Aluve' to you all. A gift to you all, but go outside and embrace the night. Close your eyes and feel the wind strike at your soul. Open them and look around you. Gaze to the skies and then immerse yourself in the stars that shine down upon you. Beauty is everywhere, just take time to stop and look. Works great when you open your heart.