licenseartistic - And Darling (This Thing That Breaks My Heart) - October Prompt
Title: And Darling (This Thing That Breaks My Heart)
Prompt: 004. "Dream as if you'll live forever, live as if you'll die today." ~ James Dean.
Character: Logan Echolls
Fandom: Veronica Mars
Word Count: 1499
Rating: R (mostly for language)
Disclaimer: All belongs to Rob Thomas, Slave Rat Productions, Warner Bros., the CW, etc. I seriously don't own.
Author's Note: This prompt response is set within the world of wheredo_ibegin. The two Duncan lines in here were written by atomic_eyes and hopefully Court and Gin don't mind me using this world as inspiration for my prompt.
I'd like to think that living as if I'd die today didn't entirely fuck things over in my life, but the very fact that I fuck over the people who mean the most to me in my life goes to show one thing and one thing only: I'm not a nice guy. And even without this reaffirmation that no one needs to tell me because I already know times about a hundred and fifty, It's one of those things I can see reflected in everyone around me. Everyone I come into contact with. Like some mirror I can't get away from.
I don't change. I don't like to and personally I don't think it's needed. Accept me the way I am or what the fuck are you doing in my life. It's a cliche my way or the highway sort of deal - and I'm not sure I really care.
There's only two people in the world I would do anything for - even a third, if I could get past the whole 'she fucked my dad' bit (which is rather irrelevant when it comes to the dead) - and those people are Duncan Kane and Veronica Mars. And there's a huge part of me that knows Duncan is at the top of the list above Veronica because he's been best friends with me since we were both practically still wetting the bed in the middle of the night. It takes someone special to see you through all those fucked up years, a couple deaths and the fact that you two might just have the same taste in women.
He's put up with more of my shit than anyone else and that includes Veronica. Veronica doesn't even know the half of it. Veronica is the one of us with the complete ability to leave whenever she wants. She's not bound by anything and she certainly doesn't feel responsible if we mess ourselves over beyond belief. She doesn't have to clean up that mess. Duncan, I don't know, feels that sort of obligation - that gravitational pull that doesn't allow him to take off whenever the fuck he wants to.
And, seriously, neither do I. As much as I'd love to boast about the fact that I don't have those commitments or needs, for some fucking reason I just can't pull away. I can't get away from the two people in my life that I can love, hate, hurt and be hurt by in one breath. It doesn't work that way.
The no apologies policy I have doesn't fucking work either. And really if I was half the man I claimed to be it would - maybe.
This last summer when Duncan and me just getting the fuck out of Neptune and disappearing somewhere in the world - traveling, which was what we really needed to do after we graduated - was the best summer of my life. And I can say that because there's no competition for what happened this summer.
It was the two of us, best friends forever, and nothing standing in the way. There was no Veronica, no Lilly and no parents to fuck us over. We didn't have to worry about that crap. We were just us, which we haven't been for years. I was so relieved I could cry.
I didn't worry when I kissed him, because I just wanted to kiss him and that want was okay. There weren't expectations and there wasn't a scene to play like we had when we got back into the real world. It was just us, goddamn it, and I loved it that way.
But when we went to Stanford and when we started doing the school routine and sharing some two bedroom apartment, when we had to start lying to his parents like I didn't sleep in his bed and like I wasn't doing these things with their son, I don't know, it just drove me crazy. And maybe I don't have the right to blame him for that crap because for god sakes I didn't have to prove myself to Jake and Celeste Kane. I just had my dad in fucking prison for life hoping that he'd drop the soap a lot. I didn't have to prove a goddamn thing and I hated him for wanting to. Because why should they care? It was just us and only us - only it wasn't.
Fuck that.
And things just got worse when Veronica showed up second semester. Because I felt like I had to prove us to her. The more I tried, the more I fucked it up. And I just got paranoid like she was going to take him away or like he'd give up on me - and I'd be all alone like I was last year. So, I decided to go first. To be the one who wasn't alone. To be the one that catalyzed the inevitable.
One day, I don't know, something like a few weeks after Veronica moved into the extra bedroom in our apartment because of a shitty roommate she had and her complete lack of people skills and playing nice, I slept with her. She asked me if I loved her and I asked her if she even needed to question that - because there wasn't a time that I stopped loving her.
And the whole way through I was painfully aware that I was cheating on my best friend, that I was doing possibly the most harmful thing I could ever do to the two of us and to Veronica, and I took it out on her. I hated her and I hated him and mostly I hated myself for feeling anything for the two of them who were so fucking in love with each other that they were going to realize one day that they didn't need me.
I wished I could forget her and I fucked her, which after years of wanting to was more of a let down than not. After we finished, we exchanged insults as per usual and I told her that I did it simply because I knew I could.
For a couple weeks I held it in, the feeling of deep betrayal stirring in my gut every time Veronica would turn the other way and Duncan would give me one of those 'what did you do, you jackass' looks because it wasn't as if he was oblivious to the blatant hatred flowing between me and Veronica. It was hard not to notice and even harder to get away from.
So, one day, simply, as he was cooking some of that cheap mac and cheese on the stove, I said, "I kissed Veronica." Followed fairly quickly at his darkening look by "This is me trying to be honest." Which I'm fairly sure wasn't half as appreciated as I did.
"God, I can't believe you. Do you have this innate need to fuck up what you have? You trying to test me, see if maybe this time you pushed me too far and I'll just write you off? Fuck, Logan."
"I don't know, does it work?" I asked him bitterly.
"Which part? Fucking things up or pushing too far?"
And I was suddenly angrier than I had ever been before, "I know I fuck things up and you knew what I was asking!"
I packed up these clothes that looked vaguely too much alike to tell the difference anymore, bunching them into my hands, as Duncan left.
So, that's what you get for living like you'll die today and dreaming those goddamn useless dreams. James Dean is not my hero and I still do things just because I know I can - losing whatever I need to in the process.
Prompt: 004. "Dream as if you'll live forever, live as if you'll die today." ~ James Dean.
Character: Logan Echolls
Fandom: Veronica Mars
Word Count: 1499
Rating: R (mostly for language)
Disclaimer: All belongs to Rob Thomas, Slave Rat Productions, Warner Bros., the CW, etc. I seriously don't own.
Author's Note: This prompt response is set within the world of wheredo_ibegin. The two Duncan lines in here were written by atomic_eyes and hopefully Court and Gin don't mind me using this world as inspiration for my prompt.
I'd like to think that living as if I'd die today didn't entirely fuck things over in my life, but the very fact that I fuck over the people who mean the most to me in my life goes to show one thing and one thing only: I'm not a nice guy. And even without this reaffirmation that no one needs to tell me because I already know times about a hundred and fifty, It's one of those things I can see reflected in everyone around me. Everyone I come into contact with. Like some mirror I can't get away from.
I don't change. I don't like to and personally I don't think it's needed. Accept me the way I am or what the fuck are you doing in my life. It's a cliche my way or the highway sort of deal - and I'm not sure I really care.
There's only two people in the world I would do anything for - even a third, if I could get past the whole 'she fucked my dad' bit (which is rather irrelevant when it comes to the dead) - and those people are Duncan Kane and Veronica Mars. And there's a huge part of me that knows Duncan is at the top of the list above Veronica because he's been best friends with me since we were both practically still wetting the bed in the middle of the night. It takes someone special to see you through all those fucked up years, a couple deaths and the fact that you two might just have the same taste in women.
He's put up with more of my shit than anyone else and that includes Veronica. Veronica doesn't even know the half of it. Veronica is the one of us with the complete ability to leave whenever she wants. She's not bound by anything and she certainly doesn't feel responsible if we mess ourselves over beyond belief. She doesn't have to clean up that mess. Duncan, I don't know, feels that sort of obligation - that gravitational pull that doesn't allow him to take off whenever the fuck he wants to.
And, seriously, neither do I. As much as I'd love to boast about the fact that I don't have those commitments or needs, for some fucking reason I just can't pull away. I can't get away from the two people in my life that I can love, hate, hurt and be hurt by in one breath. It doesn't work that way.
The no apologies policy I have doesn't fucking work either. And really if I was half the man I claimed to be it would - maybe.
This last summer when Duncan and me just getting the fuck out of Neptune and disappearing somewhere in the world - traveling, which was what we really needed to do after we graduated - was the best summer of my life. And I can say that because there's no competition for what happened this summer.
It was the two of us, best friends forever, and nothing standing in the way. There was no Veronica, no Lilly and no parents to fuck us over. We didn't have to worry about that crap. We were just us, which we haven't been for years. I was so relieved I could cry.
I didn't worry when I kissed him, because I just wanted to kiss him and that want was okay. There weren't expectations and there wasn't a scene to play like we had when we got back into the real world. It was just us, goddamn it, and I loved it that way.
But when we went to Stanford and when we started doing the school routine and sharing some two bedroom apartment, when we had to start lying to his parents like I didn't sleep in his bed and like I wasn't doing these things with their son, I don't know, it just drove me crazy. And maybe I don't have the right to blame him for that crap because for god sakes I didn't have to prove myself to Jake and Celeste Kane. I just had my dad in fucking prison for life hoping that he'd drop the soap a lot. I didn't have to prove a goddamn thing and I hated him for wanting to. Because why should they care? It was just us and only us - only it wasn't.
Fuck that.
And things just got worse when Veronica showed up second semester. Because I felt like I had to prove us to her. The more I tried, the more I fucked it up. And I just got paranoid like she was going to take him away or like he'd give up on me - and I'd be all alone like I was last year. So, I decided to go first. To be the one who wasn't alone. To be the one that catalyzed the inevitable.
One day, I don't know, something like a few weeks after Veronica moved into the extra bedroom in our apartment because of a shitty roommate she had and her complete lack of people skills and playing nice, I slept with her. She asked me if I loved her and I asked her if she even needed to question that - because there wasn't a time that I stopped loving her.
And the whole way through I was painfully aware that I was cheating on my best friend, that I was doing possibly the most harmful thing I could ever do to the two of us and to Veronica, and I took it out on her. I hated her and I hated him and mostly I hated myself for feeling anything for the two of them who were so fucking in love with each other that they were going to realize one day that they didn't need me.
I wished I could forget her and I fucked her, which after years of wanting to was more of a let down than not. After we finished, we exchanged insults as per usual and I told her that I did it simply because I knew I could.
For a couple weeks I held it in, the feeling of deep betrayal stirring in my gut every time Veronica would turn the other way and Duncan would give me one of those 'what did you do, you jackass' looks because it wasn't as if he was oblivious to the blatant hatred flowing between me and Veronica. It was hard not to notice and even harder to get away from.
So, one day, simply, as he was cooking some of that cheap mac and cheese on the stove, I said, "I kissed Veronica." Followed fairly quickly at his darkening look by "This is me trying to be honest." Which I'm fairly sure wasn't half as appreciated as I did.
"God, I can't believe you. Do you have this innate need to fuck up what you have? You trying to test me, see if maybe this time you pushed me too far and I'll just write you off? Fuck, Logan."
"I don't know, does it work?" I asked him bitterly.
"Which part? Fucking things up or pushing too far?"
And I was suddenly angrier than I had ever been before, "I know I fuck things up and you knew what I was asking!"
I packed up these clothes that looked vaguely too much alike to tell the difference anymore, bunching them into my hands, as Duncan left.
So, that's what you get for living like you'll die today and dreaming those goddamn useless dreams. James Dean is not my hero and I still do things just because I know I can - losing whatever I need to in the process.