(no subject)
Been feeling despondent this week. Been having major insomnia due to hormone fluctuations most likely. Not to mention migraines are still on the table now and again. I just got a new migraine drug to test at least, going to pick up today at CVS. Eletriptan, I like the sound of that word. I've been on Naratriptan and it works well - as long as I've had ten advils along with it. Which is not the goal. The goal is to replace my dependence on an ever-rising number of advil pills. Not suicidal = last night I just wondering what the point of my life even is. It has no meaning and just is the same circular treadmill. I'm not loved (my mom loves me but thats about it) I would not impact anyone's life while living or gone. Theres not any real purpose to my existence. Thats not dramatic, its truly a fact. Anyone who says differently is a person who if I was gone, might be sad for a day or a week, and then seldom ever speak my name again. Whatever, this is what LiveJournal is for. To boo-hoo into the void that few if any even reads... which is fine. I have things to look forward to - Ren Fair tomorrow. RGC is coming up. Malibu beach June 1st. I just dont have all that great a time doing things I should enjoy. Its like... that wasn't bad but it wasn't noteworthy. Hopefully the trend will change and the ren fair will be super fun. Thats how it should be. It might be. My birthday celebration weekend with P didnt go well. He was not in the mood to have me around, so he grit his teeth through most of it. But he has his own extremely valid stress these days. Still, it was a pretty big disappointment. With the exception of pizza lol. My sister is leeching off my moms money because she doesnt want to get a job, and her husband has reached the end of his usefulness in LA. Of whom shes been taking advantage of for most of their marriage. Then my Moms health has been on a garbage journey to hades, still trying to find a DR/Surgeon who will do anything remotely helpful. About ten minutes ago Lane tells me Mom is on her way to HP Hospital in an ambulance. She usually does that when shes in so much pain she cant tolerate it. And here I am whining about my existence. I don't have health problems compared to so many ppl I know.... therefore I should just love everything in my life, even with all its dusty corners. Still dont have a RM and still have almost no jobs, even tho the year is HALF OVER. I feel like a failure. But at least I dont mooch hardcore off my elderly ailing mother like my shitty sister. Too bad I don't have any friends or associates who will refer me to people they hear are getting married etc. I suppose I'm not memorable as a photographer in that case.