so close to the new year, and yet.....
It's december 29th. this time last year, i was hating my job, but extremely relieved that i would not have to go home after all. I was single. I didn't really have a group of friends that I could 100% trust. I had a car that worked when it wanted to. And my health was so so due to stress.
One year later? I still hate my job. Still single, despite my best efforts. Still don't have that group of friends. Health still bad. LOVE the new car, but hate the medical bills that came with it.
JOB :
I did actually leave the company for a while. I swore i was done with having to work retail, holidays, 80 hour weeks for nothing. Then when i did leave, i couldn't get any other job. I have a good degree from a great university. what is the problem? either over-qualified, or not enough experience. Hi, I'm rock, you must be my new neighbor, hard place? I'm not one of those people that loves school. i love the social aspect of it, i hate the actual studying. or, let me rephrase, the testing of knowledge via standardized test. yet, i'm so tired of this company, i am again studying for the gmat. i've taken it once already, but scores not so hot. Math isn't my subject, what can i say. My main issue with work is not being recognized, or rewarded for the work that i do. I feel taken advantage of by my superiors and team mates, because i'm their go to person when something needs to get done...but no one is accountable for finishing their own crap. I have specific projects that i need to complete, i don't need to do john, jane's and harry's in addition. I hate that our cast is not empowered. i hate that they have no common sense. I am frustrated that i am stuck doing something the brings me no joy, yet i when i try to leave, this is the only thing that is available. I don't have a problem with working. I do have a problem with working so much that i am too tired to do what i believe would truly bring me happiness.
FRIENDS
If you look back a year to the people that i talked to on a regular basis...i speak to none of them now. When i left the studios, they moved onto the next management intern, and it was as if i never existed. and when i did see them later in the year, and brought it up, they didn't deny it. "we're bad a staying in touch." i didn't realize that maintaining a friendship was such a chore. when i left florida, meagan and ryan helped me move out of the apartment. laura and ship said goodbye. no one else really cared. granted, lately i havent wanted to go out. i like to be alone. people annoy me. i find it harder and harder to sympathize with people who complain that their boyfriend didn't get them a big enough ring, or "i got soo drunk last night that..." everyone seems to be getting married; having kids. "i'm in love!" it seems that life is on stand still for me, and fast forward for everyone else.
RELATIONSHIPS
what relationships? i have ship, who is still in love with his ex-girlfriend, and according to his roommate i'm "just a 'friend whom he occasionally kisses; an extra female that he can talk to and get comfort from; basically a rebound." nice. i find that i am very good at becoming attached to men that are already attached to someone else. I am an excellent place holder until someone better comes along. i find that everyone who sleeps around seems to eventually get to "the one" but still has fun along the way. i 100% admittedly have an issue with sleeping around. it wasn't how i was raised, and it makes me extremely uncomfortable. however, in this day and age, it just seems there's no reward for the one that waits...except scorn for being a "prude." I will never understand how a person can have someone spend the night one night, and say "i love you" to another person the next day. but clearly, if that person is getting what they (or in this case, what i) want, and I'm not, then ...? they keep saying, when you stop looking, that's when he'll appear. well, i have no time/am too tired/too stressed out about work to look, so where the hell is he. and i'm also admittedly picky. flings/flirting/other words that start with a f aren't worth it to me. why stay if you don't see it as a possibility for an emotional attachment? i'm not in college anymore.(not that i did that in college, i'm just saying). i want to have a meaningful relationship with someone who values me for me. i never had aspirations to be a top businesswoman or doctor, i want to fall in love and get married. everything else is just a minor detail. so do i feel like a failure that i can't even get someone to officially date me? yes. doesn't do much for one's self esteem or image.
HEALTH
repulsion of job, lack of outlet, tiredness, lack of nutrition, general exhaustion and depression = low resistance to germs. i swear, someone could sneeze in the next apartment over and i'd still get sick. but, on the upside, i don't currently have pneumonia. I do, on the other hand, have a constant feeling of tightness in my chest. it's hard to breathe, and at any given point, i feel like i could burst into tears. the slightest thing will piss me off, and i will stay mad for days. i haven't left my room in over 40 hours. i really, really, really, REALLY don't want to deal with anyone right now.
i'm not going to go out for new years. every year, whether i was with my family of stuck here at work, i started the new year out for aspirations of happiness and love. and have been disappointed every year. so this year, i'm going to go to bed early, make no resolutions, and just in general ignore all festivities. they mean nothing anyway. tired of getting my hopes up. better to prepare for the worst, right?
One year later? I still hate my job. Still single, despite my best efforts. Still don't have that group of friends. Health still bad. LOVE the new car, but hate the medical bills that came with it.
JOB :
I did actually leave the company for a while. I swore i was done with having to work retail, holidays, 80 hour weeks for nothing. Then when i did leave, i couldn't get any other job. I have a good degree from a great university. what is the problem? either over-qualified, or not enough experience. Hi, I'm rock, you must be my new neighbor, hard place? I'm not one of those people that loves school. i love the social aspect of it, i hate the actual studying. or, let me rephrase, the testing of knowledge via standardized test. yet, i'm so tired of this company, i am again studying for the gmat. i've taken it once already, but scores not so hot. Math isn't my subject, what can i say. My main issue with work is not being recognized, or rewarded for the work that i do. I feel taken advantage of by my superiors and team mates, because i'm their go to person when something needs to get done...but no one is accountable for finishing their own crap. I have specific projects that i need to complete, i don't need to do john, jane's and harry's in addition. I hate that our cast is not empowered. i hate that they have no common sense. I am frustrated that i am stuck doing something the brings me no joy, yet i when i try to leave, this is the only thing that is available. I don't have a problem with working. I do have a problem with working so much that i am too tired to do what i believe would truly bring me happiness.
FRIENDS
If you look back a year to the people that i talked to on a regular basis...i speak to none of them now. When i left the studios, they moved onto the next management intern, and it was as if i never existed. and when i did see them later in the year, and brought it up, they didn't deny it. "we're bad a staying in touch." i didn't realize that maintaining a friendship was such a chore. when i left florida, meagan and ryan helped me move out of the apartment. laura and ship said goodbye. no one else really cared. granted, lately i havent wanted to go out. i like to be alone. people annoy me. i find it harder and harder to sympathize with people who complain that their boyfriend didn't get them a big enough ring, or "i got soo drunk last night that..." everyone seems to be getting married; having kids. "i'm in love!" it seems that life is on stand still for me, and fast forward for everyone else.
RELATIONSHIPS
what relationships? i have ship, who is still in love with his ex-girlfriend, and according to his roommate i'm "just a 'friend whom he occasionally kisses; an extra female that he can talk to and get comfort from; basically a rebound." nice. i find that i am very good at becoming attached to men that are already attached to someone else. I am an excellent place holder until someone better comes along. i find that everyone who sleeps around seems to eventually get to "the one" but still has fun along the way. i 100% admittedly have an issue with sleeping around. it wasn't how i was raised, and it makes me extremely uncomfortable. however, in this day and age, it just seems there's no reward for the one that waits...except scorn for being a "prude." I will never understand how a person can have someone spend the night one night, and say "i love you" to another person the next day. but clearly, if that person is getting what they (or in this case, what i) want, and I'm not, then ...? they keep saying, when you stop looking, that's when he'll appear. well, i have no time/am too tired/too stressed out about work to look, so where the hell is he. and i'm also admittedly picky. flings/flirting/other words that start with a f aren't worth it to me. why stay if you don't see it as a possibility for an emotional attachment? i'm not in college anymore.(not that i did that in college, i'm just saying). i want to have a meaningful relationship with someone who values me for me. i never had aspirations to be a top businesswoman or doctor, i want to fall in love and get married. everything else is just a minor detail. so do i feel like a failure that i can't even get someone to officially date me? yes. doesn't do much for one's self esteem or image.
HEALTH
repulsion of job, lack of outlet, tiredness, lack of nutrition, general exhaustion and depression = low resistance to germs. i swear, someone could sneeze in the next apartment over and i'd still get sick. but, on the upside, i don't currently have pneumonia. I do, on the other hand, have a constant feeling of tightness in my chest. it's hard to breathe, and at any given point, i feel like i could burst into tears. the slightest thing will piss me off, and i will stay mad for days. i haven't left my room in over 40 hours. i really, really, really, REALLY don't want to deal with anyone right now.
i'm not going to go out for new years. every year, whether i was with my family of stuck here at work, i started the new year out for aspirations of happiness and love. and have been disappointed every year. so this year, i'm going to go to bed early, make no resolutions, and just in general ignore all festivities. they mean nothing anyway. tired of getting my hopes up. better to prepare for the worst, right?