can't sleep
Suzette asked me in our one-on-one if I thought work complemented my life. If at the end of the day, I felt that I accomplished something, and felt pleased with myself. I apparently looked at her like she smoked crack.
I don't feel like work complements my life; i feel it overwhelms it. I don't think i have a life. I wake up, go to work, come home, go to sleep to repeat the same cycle over and over. it could be worse. i could be at home with the parents. which i'm sure would also be miserable, in many different ways.
I have to admit, when i left orlando, i was sorry to leave for the wrong reasons. i felt my freedom would be curtailed...and 6 months later, not in the way i thought, but i still can't afford the luxury to be as free as i'd like. i feel locked into an existence that i jumped into without really thinking about the consequences. i wanted to see what would happen with the boy, and was afraid that when i left, that would be the end of him. i thought for the first time, maybe it was my turn to have someone. well, 6 months later, heart still got broken. not because i left; but because i came back, and put myself on the line and he probably didn't even know/care. and for the past 6 days especially, when it seems he's forgotten i'm alive, it makes me feel stupid for thinking it could work. for hoping it could. i was honest and up front, and still nothing i don't want to go through this cycle AGAIN. Three times is more than enough for one person. I give up. but that doesn't make it hurt any less. i don't know what my purpose here, in orlando, working at this job, interacting with these people is. i still don't feel like "me." I can't remember who "me" is. i often wonder why the outcome of the car accident wasn't diffrent.
i don't have that go-to friend that i had in the past. there are very few people that i trust and even fewer that i feel i can tell anything to, and have them still look at me the same. actually, i don't think there are any people i can do that with anymore. the idea of a friend isn't the same as it was 5 years ago. if i went by those standards, i don't think i have one at all. loneliness is a horrible feeling. i don't have a whole lot of incentive to get up in the morning, so on my days off, i don't. i got home from work monday at 5:30pm and didn't leave my room until 6 or 7pm the next day. i feel it's pointless to meet people; because i don't work a normal schedule which would allow me to cultivate new relationships. I don't feel i have anything to offer to current relationships, so i don't put any effort into them. i feel ostracized because I don't fit the mold of a "normal" 24 year old. I am insanely jealous of those that have already found their someone. My current sense of self worth isn't high. i don't feel attractive so can understand that others don't find me so. All the things i was scared of earlier in the year came true anyway. sort of a one step forward, two steps back kind of deal. i'm still in a job that brings no pleasure. i'm no closer to figuring out what i really want than i was then. i'm still unsure of what i have to offer anyone. I can't remember what it's like to feel like me. i'm used to disappointment. i still feel caged. i don't feel that i have a support system around me. i feel like everyone is ashamed of me. I feel that i'm not meeting up to expectations. i have self-esteem/worth issues. i don't trust anyone enough to let them be my go-to person. i still feel like a second choice, or that i'm a filler until something/someone better comes along
I hate the holidays. they're so much different now that i'm older. i work for a company that doesn't value family, which when you think about it, is terribly ironic. that alone makes them lose some of their magical quality. my family is spread all over the country. the only person i talk to one a regular basis is my mother. when we do get together, it's like a bunch of strangers who happen to have a resemblance and the same last name. i hate seeing all the happy couples buying each other gifts bc i know that will never be me. or the random guy and girl hooking up because for the moment, that is enough, because that will never be me either. i hate seeing the little kids all excited about the thought of santa claus or just the excitement in their faces...i'm jealous of their innocence. if only a shiny bicycle or a new doll could make it all better again. there's nothing special in them anymore.
sometimes i wonder if it's all really worth it. what's the real point
I don't feel like work complements my life; i feel it overwhelms it. I don't think i have a life. I wake up, go to work, come home, go to sleep to repeat the same cycle over and over. it could be worse. i could be at home with the parents. which i'm sure would also be miserable, in many different ways.
I have to admit, when i left orlando, i was sorry to leave for the wrong reasons. i felt my freedom would be curtailed...and 6 months later, not in the way i thought, but i still can't afford the luxury to be as free as i'd like. i feel locked into an existence that i jumped into without really thinking about the consequences. i wanted to see what would happen with the boy, and was afraid that when i left, that would be the end of him. i thought for the first time, maybe it was my turn to have someone. well, 6 months later, heart still got broken. not because i left; but because i came back, and put myself on the line and he probably didn't even know/care. and for the past 6 days especially, when it seems he's forgotten i'm alive, it makes me feel stupid for thinking it could work. for hoping it could. i was honest and up front, and still nothing i don't want to go through this cycle AGAIN. Three times is more than enough for one person. I give up. but that doesn't make it hurt any less. i don't know what my purpose here, in orlando, working at this job, interacting with these people is. i still don't feel like "me." I can't remember who "me" is. i often wonder why the outcome of the car accident wasn't diffrent.
i don't have that go-to friend that i had in the past. there are very few people that i trust and even fewer that i feel i can tell anything to, and have them still look at me the same. actually, i don't think there are any people i can do that with anymore. the idea of a friend isn't the same as it was 5 years ago. if i went by those standards, i don't think i have one at all. loneliness is a horrible feeling. i don't have a whole lot of incentive to get up in the morning, so on my days off, i don't. i got home from work monday at 5:30pm and didn't leave my room until 6 or 7pm the next day. i feel it's pointless to meet people; because i don't work a normal schedule which would allow me to cultivate new relationships. I don't feel i have anything to offer to current relationships, so i don't put any effort into them. i feel ostracized because I don't fit the mold of a "normal" 24 year old. I am insanely jealous of those that have already found their someone. My current sense of self worth isn't high. i don't feel attractive so can understand that others don't find me so. All the things i was scared of earlier in the year came true anyway. sort of a one step forward, two steps back kind of deal. i'm still in a job that brings no pleasure. i'm no closer to figuring out what i really want than i was then. i'm still unsure of what i have to offer anyone. I can't remember what it's like to feel like me. i'm used to disappointment. i still feel caged. i don't feel that i have a support system around me. i feel like everyone is ashamed of me. I feel that i'm not meeting up to expectations. i have self-esteem/worth issues. i don't trust anyone enough to let them be my go-to person. i still feel like a second choice, or that i'm a filler until something/someone better comes along
I hate the holidays. they're so much different now that i'm older. i work for a company that doesn't value family, which when you think about it, is terribly ironic. that alone makes them lose some of their magical quality. my family is spread all over the country. the only person i talk to one a regular basis is my mother. when we do get together, it's like a bunch of strangers who happen to have a resemblance and the same last name. i hate seeing all the happy couples buying each other gifts bc i know that will never be me. or the random guy and girl hooking up because for the moment, that is enough, because that will never be me either. i hate seeing the little kids all excited about the thought of santa claus or just the excitement in their faces...i'm jealous of their innocence. if only a shiny bicycle or a new doll could make it all better again. there's nothing special in them anymore.
sometimes i wonder if it's all really worth it. what's the real point