(no subject)
ok so this is really weird. i have a snake in my shirt. :P it's just sitting there wtching me type. this is absolutely hysterical to me! :P
so yeah. i've got the sinus infection from hell. i haven't been able to stop coughing in at least a month and a half. it sucks major monkey butt. the meds they put me on are making me really loopy. keys are kinda swiming. fun stuff. :P nothing really new is happening lately. my love is grounded so i dont get to see him that much. only when he manages to "sneak out" for a bit. i get to see him on saturday though so woot!
i think i may have figured out what the problem was with my riding. it started to go bad right around the smae time as when i quit dance. i think the fact that i dont do all the stretches anymore i'm stiffer than i used to be. i can feel that i am but i never made the connection until now. i rode shade the other day and he did amazing. i did all my old stretches befor ei got on him and i was actually bending with him. he picked up the correct lead every time. we were jumping courses of 2' jumps and he did them beautifully. he'll be leaving soon though. i'm going to miss that stubborn shit so much! he's up for sale too so either pauline is moving him up to atlanta to be with her or she's selling him. if he didn't crib shaun would probably buy him but then i still wouldnt be able to ride him as much as i do now because theres no way she would just let me ride him for free like pauline does. :( theres just no good way to go about it. i could buy him. i have the money to afford him and pauline would probably go down on the price a little bit if it was me buying him but i couldnt afford the board. i'm getting a job sure but i still have to pay for gas and things like that and i couldnt rely on that to be able to pay for everything he needs. when school starts again in the fall i'll have to cut back on my hours. less money. less time. wouldnt be able to afford it. :( we're just starting to get good too. pauline said i could come up there and stay with her whenever i want and ride him all the time still but atlanta is one hell of a drive and with my car.... i wouldnt be able to make the trip much and i cant afford a better car right now. i need a job. it all comes back to the fact that i need money. really bad. nothing i want to do is going to happen if i dont get things in order. i dont really want to go back to school in the fall. i know i need to. i've heard the lectures all the time i dont need to hear them again. but that doesnt mean i want to. i dont want to deal with professors that i dont like. i dont want to deal with midterms and late night cram sessions. i dont want to have to worry about all of that right now. i just want to get a job and focus on my riding. it's been falling into the background more lately. i miss it. so much. i feel my ability, my slight bt of talent starting to lack. it does that. if you dont hone a skill it tends to deteriorate. thats happening. i'm so worried about everything else that the one thing i know i want to do with my life is being pushed to the wayside. i'm messing up. i know it but i just can't help it. i dont mean to. i dont know how to fix it. :( i need help but no one can really help me with this. it's something i have to fix on my own.
ever since i was little i've known what i wanted to do. i want to compete in the rolex. since no one that reads this is going to have a clue what the hell that is except one person... it's a major three day event. i've always wanted to ride eventers. eitheer ride eventers or race and i'm already way too tall and heavy for that so it's out the window. i could drop to the weight but i'm still to tall. :( i finally saw my goal within my reach and then things started to get rough here. i let it get to me. i quit dance and didnt realize how much it would actually effect my riding. not only did i not think about it but i didnt even realize what the problem was untiol it might be too late. petey is an amazing horse. we could go grand prix. easily. i just have to get my act together. i let little things bother me. i'm too pessimistic. instead of paying attention to the fact that i did ok for a while i just think that it didnt last. instead of thinking "hey, he was slow for four strides! yay!" i just think "great only four strides. i suck" it gets in the way. someone please help me!
i'm just a general fuck up. in so many ways.
"forgive me my mistakes. i'm only human..."
so yeah. i've got the sinus infection from hell. i haven't been able to stop coughing in at least a month and a half. it sucks major monkey butt. the meds they put me on are making me really loopy. keys are kinda swiming. fun stuff. :P nothing really new is happening lately. my love is grounded so i dont get to see him that much. only when he manages to "sneak out" for a bit. i get to see him on saturday though so woot!
i think i may have figured out what the problem was with my riding. it started to go bad right around the smae time as when i quit dance. i think the fact that i dont do all the stretches anymore i'm stiffer than i used to be. i can feel that i am but i never made the connection until now. i rode shade the other day and he did amazing. i did all my old stretches befor ei got on him and i was actually bending with him. he picked up the correct lead every time. we were jumping courses of 2' jumps and he did them beautifully. he'll be leaving soon though. i'm going to miss that stubborn shit so much! he's up for sale too so either pauline is moving him up to atlanta to be with her or she's selling him. if he didn't crib shaun would probably buy him but then i still wouldnt be able to ride him as much as i do now because theres no way she would just let me ride him for free like pauline does. :( theres just no good way to go about it. i could buy him. i have the money to afford him and pauline would probably go down on the price a little bit if it was me buying him but i couldnt afford the board. i'm getting a job sure but i still have to pay for gas and things like that and i couldnt rely on that to be able to pay for everything he needs. when school starts again in the fall i'll have to cut back on my hours. less money. less time. wouldnt be able to afford it. :( we're just starting to get good too. pauline said i could come up there and stay with her whenever i want and ride him all the time still but atlanta is one hell of a drive and with my car.... i wouldnt be able to make the trip much and i cant afford a better car right now. i need a job. it all comes back to the fact that i need money. really bad. nothing i want to do is going to happen if i dont get things in order. i dont really want to go back to school in the fall. i know i need to. i've heard the lectures all the time i dont need to hear them again. but that doesnt mean i want to. i dont want to deal with professors that i dont like. i dont want to deal with midterms and late night cram sessions. i dont want to have to worry about all of that right now. i just want to get a job and focus on my riding. it's been falling into the background more lately. i miss it. so much. i feel my ability, my slight bt of talent starting to lack. it does that. if you dont hone a skill it tends to deteriorate. thats happening. i'm so worried about everything else that the one thing i know i want to do with my life is being pushed to the wayside. i'm messing up. i know it but i just can't help it. i dont mean to. i dont know how to fix it. :( i need help but no one can really help me with this. it's something i have to fix on my own.
ever since i was little i've known what i wanted to do. i want to compete in the rolex. since no one that reads this is going to have a clue what the hell that is except one person... it's a major three day event. i've always wanted to ride eventers. eitheer ride eventers or race and i'm already way too tall and heavy for that so it's out the window. i could drop to the weight but i'm still to tall. :( i finally saw my goal within my reach and then things started to get rough here. i let it get to me. i quit dance and didnt realize how much it would actually effect my riding. not only did i not think about it but i didnt even realize what the problem was untiol it might be too late. petey is an amazing horse. we could go grand prix. easily. i just have to get my act together. i let little things bother me. i'm too pessimistic. instead of paying attention to the fact that i did ok for a while i just think that it didnt last. instead of thinking "hey, he was slow for four strides! yay!" i just think "great only four strides. i suck" it gets in the way. someone please help me!
i'm just a general fuck up. in so many ways.
"forgive me my mistakes. i'm only human..."