All About Jason
There are a million other things I should be writing about tonight, but the topic I want to hit is Jason. Yeah, yeah I'm not much closer to my goal of winning him over in the way I'd prefer, but there is much that has happened between us. As I have said in all my journals about him, he truly makes me happy. He is the one man that can make the rest of the world melt away and I adore every moment I have with him.
It all started on Friday the 13th! A perfect day for Jasons' no? LOL! It was the night we saw Eddie Izard! The night was practically perfect. Jason looked wicked hot. He was in a black thick ribbed coorderoy shirt, black cargos, his trademark boots (all polished up), and he even geled up his hair! Forgive me for sounding all school girl, but he was totally dreamy! LOL! I wasn't looking half bad either... I wore my gree and black corset, flowy short black skirt, with black stockings and my seude black maryjane platforms. I left my hair down and did my eyes in green and black. I so wished I could have gotten a picture of the two of us. I think together we looked like a dark match made in oblivion! (Maybe the pirate is right... Maybe I am so goth I shit bats...) Anyway, Jason thouroughly enjoyed himself; we even made it there on time. He had a blasted seeing Eddie and then on our way home we stopped at Peter Pan's for dinner. It was nice to spend so much time with Jason. We were alone together and to have that kind of time with him and his undivided attention is rare. Then there was the rest of the ride home. I know I had swore up and down that I would tell him how I really feel. I gave it a try and did the best I could. I just get so tongued and nervous when I try to tell him. We are almost home and I bust out with, "Jason, I hate you." Yeah, that will work right? It's the same as saying I love you and you mean the world to me, isn't it? He turns to me and says why... (Don't you know why? Can't you see where I am going with this you stupid wonderful man?) We get into some other conversation and it goes on for a good minute, until Jason stops again to ask, "Why do you hate me?" "Because I'm still attracted to you; but you already knew that didn't you..." "Yeah." I then proceed to ask if he considered me an exgirlfriend or not. He didn't really answer, but to say that he doesn't really think in those terms. That he would like to think that with all his past girlfriends he could go back and have a cup of coffee and just be able to talk with them. Basically, he avoided the question, but he went on to say that he gets werd in relationships. That he likes his space and the minute he wants time to himself the girl freaks out thinking something is wrong and then the relationship gets fucked up. Then he tells me that I'm not like that. That things between us didn't get fucked up when he wanted his space. But my thoughts were, but we never really gave things a real chance and I voiced this to him. You ened things before they could begin because I was a virgin. And he proclaimed how he never goes back, and I protest again how can you go back to something you never started. The next thing I know were playing 20 questions. "sammy, what am I?" "A Taurus." "What are Taurus's?" "Bulls." "What are bulls?" "Stubborn..." And to me this conversation implied I just need to out stubborn him.
The next time we would spend a lengthy amount of time together would be at Respects. It was at the London After Midnight concert. To be honest, yes I went there to enjoy a good goth night, but more so because I knew Jason would be there. James, his roommate dragged him out to the show. Jason was falling alseep in one of the one seater chairs in the back. The chair being large enough, I beconed him to make me some room to sit with him. He was perched in the chair using the arms as a back and leg rest and I drapped myself over top of him cuddled into the side of him. We laid like that for a long time too; never did he seem like he minded my body pressed up against him. It felt so good to be in his arms again. I had been long for a position like this to arise with him. Although the club was crowded, it really did feel like it was just the two were there. The rest of the world did in fact melt away. We talked and played together all night long. At some point during the evening Jason thought it would be funny to play keep away with my phone. Something he likes to do every so often, and in my opinion is just an excuse to get a little more physical with me. He had me crawling all over him to get it back. it was massive silliness and fun too. At one point we were waltzing whilst I attempted to retrieve my phone from his grasp. Eventually, we landed on one of the long sofas together. He was lying down and I crawled right up next to him and rest myself in the crook of his right arm. He still played with my phone and then moved on to messing with my rings. He moved the ring on my middle finger of my left hand onto the ring finger. I wondered and still wonder if he realized where he out my ring when I told him to put my rings back on me in the right places. He played with them for a while too, even trying them on exclaiming I have small fingers. At some point he wondered away to go join James at a booth and I hit the dance floor. As the night drew to a close him and James walked me to my car. Jason thanked me for being his entertainment or at least making the night entertaining as the bands were not really doing it for either of us.
The most recent time I saw Jason was about a week ago now on July 4th. I was lonely and wondered by his house after speaking with him earlier. I didn't tell him I was coming, hell I didn't even know I would go there. I just landed there after deciding there was little else to do. We played lego star wars and then went to dinner at Flanigans. It was a nice dinner of burgers and good conversation. After dinner we went back to his place and played a few more games. Versus staying on the opposing couch, I moved my way over to his and laid myself against him whilst we played dead or alive and soul caliber. He didn't seem to mind me being close to him. It was nice to be so close to him again. We were sitting like that when Courtney came home too. It was cool that she didn't seem to mind us sitting together like that. Usually she is very protective of Jason even toward me. I left not too long after she came home to catch a nap at my place meet up with them later at Respects. It was a good time and I got to watch Jason dance. I love watching him dance. He is so fluid with his movements, yet still very commanding. I could watch him dance all night long and be content. At the end of the night, they walked me back to my car and Courtney said something to me that struck me as odd. I can't recall exactly, but she was heavily implying that I make a comment referring to Jason that was sexual. Like as if I like him or something... LOL. I found it odd that she was doing this, but blew it off and played ignorant. Then the next day I read a blog on myspace by Jason stating that was the best July 4th ever. It was definately up there for me too. To see him post something like that after I was the one who spent most of the day with him really meant a lot to me.
One thing that will never worry me, is my implact on Jason's world. I know that I mean a lot to him and it's all the little things he's done to show me that gives me that security, even though it's never been voiced. He goes out of his way to make sure I am okay, he protects me in his own way, he built me a computer, and just the way he holds me when we hug. Letting me hold him for as long as I want and not asking me to let go. And he listed me among his friends that are forever stuck with him. I know who everyone on that list is. I know what roles they play in Jason's life and I am among them. I knew I meant a lot to him, but I didn't know I meant that much. The things he does and the way he acts tells me he cares. My worry is that he fears loosing what we have to such a degree he will remain hesitant to start a relationship with me on romantic terms. Yet, I am positive that he loves me in his way on his terms. It's only been two years or so, I don't think he knows how relentless I can be. And my saving grace, he has yet to start a real relationship or even the real beginnings of one with anyone since me.
It all started on Friday the 13th! A perfect day for Jasons' no? LOL! It was the night we saw Eddie Izard! The night was practically perfect. Jason looked wicked hot. He was in a black thick ribbed coorderoy shirt, black cargos, his trademark boots (all polished up), and he even geled up his hair! Forgive me for sounding all school girl, but he was totally dreamy! LOL! I wasn't looking half bad either... I wore my gree and black corset, flowy short black skirt, with black stockings and my seude black maryjane platforms. I left my hair down and did my eyes in green and black. I so wished I could have gotten a picture of the two of us. I think together we looked like a dark match made in oblivion! (Maybe the pirate is right... Maybe I am so goth I shit bats...) Anyway, Jason thouroughly enjoyed himself; we even made it there on time. He had a blasted seeing Eddie and then on our way home we stopped at Peter Pan's for dinner. It was nice to spend so much time with Jason. We were alone together and to have that kind of time with him and his undivided attention is rare. Then there was the rest of the ride home. I know I had swore up and down that I would tell him how I really feel. I gave it a try and did the best I could. I just get so tongued and nervous when I try to tell him. We are almost home and I bust out with, "Jason, I hate you." Yeah, that will work right? It's the same as saying I love you and you mean the world to me, isn't it? He turns to me and says why... (Don't you know why? Can't you see where I am going with this you stupid wonderful man?) We get into some other conversation and it goes on for a good minute, until Jason stops again to ask, "Why do you hate me?" "Because I'm still attracted to you; but you already knew that didn't you..." "Yeah." I then proceed to ask if he considered me an exgirlfriend or not. He didn't really answer, but to say that he doesn't really think in those terms. That he would like to think that with all his past girlfriends he could go back and have a cup of coffee and just be able to talk with them. Basically, he avoided the question, but he went on to say that he gets werd in relationships. That he likes his space and the minute he wants time to himself the girl freaks out thinking something is wrong and then the relationship gets fucked up. Then he tells me that I'm not like that. That things between us didn't get fucked up when he wanted his space. But my thoughts were, but we never really gave things a real chance and I voiced this to him. You ened things before they could begin because I was a virgin. And he proclaimed how he never goes back, and I protest again how can you go back to something you never started. The next thing I know were playing 20 questions. "sammy, what am I?" "A Taurus." "What are Taurus's?" "Bulls." "What are bulls?" "Stubborn..." And to me this conversation implied I just need to out stubborn him.
The next time we would spend a lengthy amount of time together would be at Respects. It was at the London After Midnight concert. To be honest, yes I went there to enjoy a good goth night, but more so because I knew Jason would be there. James, his roommate dragged him out to the show. Jason was falling alseep in one of the one seater chairs in the back. The chair being large enough, I beconed him to make me some room to sit with him. He was perched in the chair using the arms as a back and leg rest and I drapped myself over top of him cuddled into the side of him. We laid like that for a long time too; never did he seem like he minded my body pressed up against him. It felt so good to be in his arms again. I had been long for a position like this to arise with him. Although the club was crowded, it really did feel like it was just the two were there. The rest of the world did in fact melt away. We talked and played together all night long. At some point during the evening Jason thought it would be funny to play keep away with my phone. Something he likes to do every so often, and in my opinion is just an excuse to get a little more physical with me. He had me crawling all over him to get it back. it was massive silliness and fun too. At one point we were waltzing whilst I attempted to retrieve my phone from his grasp. Eventually, we landed on one of the long sofas together. He was lying down and I crawled right up next to him and rest myself in the crook of his right arm. He still played with my phone and then moved on to messing with my rings. He moved the ring on my middle finger of my left hand onto the ring finger. I wondered and still wonder if he realized where he out my ring when I told him to put my rings back on me in the right places. He played with them for a while too, even trying them on exclaiming I have small fingers. At some point he wondered away to go join James at a booth and I hit the dance floor. As the night drew to a close him and James walked me to my car. Jason thanked me for being his entertainment or at least making the night entertaining as the bands were not really doing it for either of us.
The most recent time I saw Jason was about a week ago now on July 4th. I was lonely and wondered by his house after speaking with him earlier. I didn't tell him I was coming, hell I didn't even know I would go there. I just landed there after deciding there was little else to do. We played lego star wars and then went to dinner at Flanigans. It was a nice dinner of burgers and good conversation. After dinner we went back to his place and played a few more games. Versus staying on the opposing couch, I moved my way over to his and laid myself against him whilst we played dead or alive and soul caliber. He didn't seem to mind me being close to him. It was nice to be so close to him again. We were sitting like that when Courtney came home too. It was cool that she didn't seem to mind us sitting together like that. Usually she is very protective of Jason even toward me. I left not too long after she came home to catch a nap at my place meet up with them later at Respects. It was a good time and I got to watch Jason dance. I love watching him dance. He is so fluid with his movements, yet still very commanding. I could watch him dance all night long and be content. At the end of the night, they walked me back to my car and Courtney said something to me that struck me as odd. I can't recall exactly, but she was heavily implying that I make a comment referring to Jason that was sexual. Like as if I like him or something... LOL. I found it odd that she was doing this, but blew it off and played ignorant. Then the next day I read a blog on myspace by Jason stating that was the best July 4th ever. It was definately up there for me too. To see him post something like that after I was the one who spent most of the day with him really meant a lot to me.
One thing that will never worry me, is my implact on Jason's world. I know that I mean a lot to him and it's all the little things he's done to show me that gives me that security, even though it's never been voiced. He goes out of his way to make sure I am okay, he protects me in his own way, he built me a computer, and just the way he holds me when we hug. Letting me hold him for as long as I want and not asking me to let go. And he listed me among his friends that are forever stuck with him. I know who everyone on that list is. I know what roles they play in Jason's life and I am among them. I knew I meant a lot to him, but I didn't know I meant that much. The things he does and the way he acts tells me he cares. My worry is that he fears loosing what we have to such a degree he will remain hesitant to start a relationship with me on romantic terms. Yet, I am positive that he loves me in his way on his terms. It's only been two years or so, I don't think he knows how relentless I can be. And my saving grace, he has yet to start a real relationship or even the real beginnings of one with anyone since me.