So go and tell your friends that I'm obsessive and crazy
Behind the Scenes at Thrashers Prospect Camp, Vol. One
So, I found this video, hanging out on the Thrashers' site (see look, it is for the SUPERMIGHTY SOUTHEASTERN DIVISION CHAMPIONSHIP. I have not forgotten! Well, that, and stalking the prospects is good times.)
Behind the Scenes at Thrashers Prospect Camp, Vol. Two
I...I just can't believe that teenage boys actually listen to Taylor Swift. Having consulted and deliberated endlessly (with my brother. Sample sizes of one are still sample sizes.) I have concluded that it's not a sexy thing. She apparently, has got a "freaky face." And, according to my brother, "is probably weird." So I guess guys really like the drippy emotional stuff that she sings about? SCORE. My brother, at least, tolerates it.
HI BACK TAYLOR SWIFT.
So I care a lot about Taylor Swift ( to recap I care a lot about Taylor Swift) and I wish her every happiness. Especially in romance because that is how I roll.
I am not entirely sure if she is a real human being, though. Fine, fine, what else would she be, a sea lion? But, for real, she's just so fancy and weirdly perfect.
That's better. So, ever since her break-up with Joe Jonas, I have been very much attached to her. What, I have to do something with my time, living out strange revenge fantasies seems to be a way to do it. And it's age-appropriate, so whatever.
Click to viewSuck it, Joe Jonas.
What homegirl so clearly needs is someone with his own interests and career, and also capable of getting the hell out of town when required. Since I am a freak, I have a little programme for this end; What were you expecting, really.
SO! She once went to a Preds game, and let's start there.
Relatedly, several evenings ago, my Mother and I had a debate: Jason Arnott: Morally Questionable, or quite nice socially? It's easier to do these things when everyone is entirely fucking insane.
Not entirely unrelatedly, but kinda: Jason Arnott: Capable of Lifting Trains Off Their Tracks, to Save Small Children.
Or, just, um, hangin' out, bein' all sexy.
OKAY WE GOT A LITTLE OFF-TOPIC THERE. Sadly, he has been married for like, ever, and has a kid and stuff. There are, like, not that many players in Nashville who are hilarious? But I can try anyway. FORTITUDE AND PERSEVERANCE.
Shea Weber! (on the left.) Uh, he was pretty good this season: Puck Daddy chats with Nashville defenseman Shea Weber: 'Every year we seem to find a way to prove the doubters wrong.' Look at that, he can actually do defensive stuff, like get in fights, and sometimes even stop forwards! Which doesn't makes the Preds' power play any less abysmal, but, hell, the Red Wings had fairly abysmal numbers on it in the postseason and they, well, they got into the postseason in the first place! So clearly it's not a huge problem why am I actually analyzing this? Homeboy can look ~fierce~ when he wants to. (that's better.)
He was drafted in the fourth round. Okay, I guess, but this was in the EPIC AND AMAZING Draft of 2003, where, like, everyone went on to great things. (Except for Nikolai Zherdev, but he had a mental breakdown or whatever and now wants to go to the KHL. Please, note my restraint when commenting on the weird lives of these dudes; it will very much be in force later on.)
Let's look at his official bio. Hey, I immediately like him, he's from British Columbia, which is certainly one of my top-three provinces. I am not as much of a stoner as this makes me sound. Blah, blah, stats, blah numbers...If he didn’t play hockey, he says he would be going to school...Lists winning the Memorial Cup in 2004 as his favorite hockey moment...Enjoys Nashville for its small-town feel, friendly people and great hockey fans...Single.
JACKPOT. OR SLAPSHOT OR WHAT THE HELL EVER.
Oh Shea Weber I hope you like them hot, and kinda crazy like a fox, and also demanding about hair products. Because, really, would it kill you to try something cuter? Anyway, now I have worked myself up over this. I do hope that they daaaaaate at some point and then I can be weirdly proud and also a creeper. LIKE NOW, YEAH.
WINNNNN.
So I have nothing else to really say about the Preds, aside from this cool article in Sports Business Journal, about how horrifically corrupt their ownership used to be: Buying into Boots which is a good read, and really has nothing to do with the rest of this post, uh. I am just sparklingly out of my depth with that, or at least, with commenting on it. Heeeey, you know who else was there with Taylor Swift? Remember what we were talking about in the first place, no not really. Anyway, it was the incredibly fine Carrie Underwood.
Wow. faded-lilac probably finds this hilarious, and indicative of my encroaching lesbianism, but, wow.
You know who dates Carrie Underwood? Mike Fisher. Not like you would know, because they have literally never been photographed together, but, yeah!
Bye, lesbianism. Hel-lo, Mike Fisher.
He's on the Sens. I like them a lot! Also, they seem to have a fun sort of team personality. Like, entitled, like all teams but especially Canadian ones, yeah, but fun. Like they would maybe collectively watch Flashdance with you. This is an important metric for me, the plausibility of a team wearing off-the-shoulder sweatshirts, and using Aqua-Net. Or, at least, being encouraging in my practice of such. I am so serious. (Seriously weird.) Okay, like, the Oilers are goofy tools, the Leafs are insane like literally, the Canadiens are super-serious and hiiiiiigh, the Flames are who the hell even knowwwws, and the Sens are crazyfun. Yay crazyfun! I am just like, randomly inventing crap at this point. But when do I not, :D. Fun is still fun even if it is only in my head. And also crazy. LIKE A FOX.
Now, we may say many things about Carrie Underwood (chief among them homegirl is fine. and also a tiny bit crazy.) but she is probably a totally excellent wingwoman. And is really interested in hooking her friends up with dates, too, right?
Now, let's do some evaluating! Uh, science and stuff! In case Shea Weber can't make it, or something.
Thanks Carrie! Actually, I just remembered-slash-was trying to forget, Taylor Swift is younger than I am. Honey baby is gonna need to date a rookie if we don't want some funhouse creepy getting up here. Well, I hope there are nice young rookies for Carrie to introduce her to, on the Sens. I really hope, otherwise my dumb post idea is shot.
So, we know that Duffrie and Fisherwood are safely together; per here, and like, eight-thousand other news sources.
Hilary Duff + Mike Comrie = Duffrie, bee-tee-dubs.
Man they are cute. UH. There are other dudes on the roster, not like you would know it; Senators Acquire Hillary Duff From Islanders for First Round Pick
Ugh, do you know how hard it is to figure out which hockey players are singletons? Not who would get it on with someone, they're all slutty as hell, but dudes who are actually single. Like, I presume that they are, and then it turns out that they are always married (speaking of, really, Jarome Iginla. Really? Like, I guess, your choice, but man, Mrs Iggy is the LUCKIEST WOMAN EVER. Seriously, I would listen to Iggy read the phone book for the rest of time, if the choice was ever offered. Not that it will be, but okay I am getting off-topic.) Shit is not good enough for La TSwift. Most things aren't actually, as homegirl has made obvious *ahem* Joe Jonas. The official player bios don't note anything, and just when I was growing to love the NHL team mini-sites...
FALSE ALARM, STILL LOVE THEM. THE SPLASH PAGE IS A BLINGEE. AN HONEST-TO-GOODNESS BLINGEE.
They're clearly not professionals at this, though. And since I so am, I decided to offer my assistance. You're welcome.
You know what they don't need assistance in? BEING FINE AS ALL HELL.
Okay, okay, so a brief (!) digression onto someone who is not with the team anymore, but I really want to talk about him since, like, hello.
Hello, Antoine Vermette. Every team needs a fine, fine, fine, French dude to, well, periodically play really good hockey (remember 2007? He and Mike Fisher totally could have beat the Ducks single-handedly! Well, double-handedly. Totally! At, uhm, pond hockey where you can totes play one line of forwards, and make it work; but Fisher is really very defence-minded, and Vermette can freaking light up the ice. I can't quite deal with 2007 yet, guys.)
Come on, that face just says, "Please help, miss. I have this terrible allergy to shirts, and if it wouldn't bother you too much, could you please coat me in this melted, yet tasty, chocolate? It really does make everything better; I would not ask if I were not so indisposed." Except, like, in le French accent, and hotter.
Anyway, he now just moves like hell across the ice, and hangs out with the previously-discussed Mikey C and some other dudes on Columbus, who totally did not suck this year! Yay!
Also Steve Mason, who not only didn't suck, but blew everyone else out of the lake. Or whatever, my mixed metaphors are really problematic.
Uh, the Sens have undergone some reconstruction, in the interveneing years. Just a few lifts and tucks, I cannot believe I just wrote that. BELIEVE. So, they started this off-season with the hella flashy signing of Kovalev, who is a man like few others. A MAN.
HE KILLED THIS COAT AND ATE ITS STILL-BEATING HEART.
HE FIST-BUMPED THE AIR, AND THE AIR WAS SO FLATTERED, IT FIST-BUMPED BACK.
HE WAS THE INSPIRATION FOR THE NOSE-GUARD ON THE CENTURIONS' HELMETS. YES, HE WENT BACK IN TIME AND ARRANGED IT SO THAT HIS NOSE WOULD BE GLORIOUS IN THE FUTURE. ALSO, HE KILLED ALCIBIADES, DON'T BELIEVE THE REVISIONISTS.
HE DECIDED THAT FAKE EYELASHES (COME ON, NO WAY THOSE ARE REAL) WERE COOL, AND SO THEY WERE. NOT JUST ANYONE CAN DO THAT; IT TAKES SPECIAL POWERS. HE HAS THEM.
And that is only the beginning, but come on, I have a whole off-season to cover here. I am sure we will return to this theme; particularly since I have a ton of pictures of various heroic plays from Montreal.
Oh, hmm, I wonder what else the Senators have been up to, this off-season. Hmm. I am sure that there has been something, right? Someone, perhaps, who has a lucrative contract that suited this summer perfectly, yet got really bitchy about ice time late in the season, and had a few issues with that, and perhaps has some larger issues in his personal life that make just about everything really problematic, even if it wouldn't seem that way? And, additionally for the benefit of this post, has a freaky eye? See, fortevivace I keep my promises! (ahaha it is funny because no one on Earth will have got this far into this post. AHAHA.) (Also, speaking of: freakiest eye injury goes to Steve Yzerman, freakiest of the last few seasons over-all goes to Richard Zednik. Just so you know!)
O HAI DANY HEATLEY.
He's, um, really good at hockey. Now, okay, I know that most of you are not interested in this, at all, but really, you ought to watch at least a few of these. The rest of the post is totally an excuse to look at shirtless dudes, you can take a couple of minutes out of that time-consuming activity and look at some blurry dudes! Heatley is very very good at one thing, and it's something that highlights incredibly well (duh, that's the point of highlights, pretty much) and sure, that probably means that he's got a few other deficits, but oh my gosh, he can basically score at will and it is amazing, every single time I see it.
Here, he and (Scary) Joe Corvo head out of the penalty box, and just tear up the ice. It's incredible.
Yeah, yeah, so empty nets make me almost bite my fingers off in rage. WHAT THE HECK IS GOING ON, EVERYONE. Just stay in net, oh my gosh. But this has a few ugly passes, and then, ugh, Heatley, it's a very pretty thing.
Even uglier, and not actually about scoring, so indicative of the other thing that Heatley is good at; getting the heck out of the way. Okay, so the coaching that led to this particular face-off was some crazysauce, and the ensuing fights unfold as you'd think they would, particularly the Biron and Emery match of crazy, but, man, just try to see Heatley. He moves right quick out of anyone's reach.
I am honestly not sure how that went in, but watching the Heatley-Spezza-Alfredsson line is always fun. Even if I have to knee myself in the throat to do it, sometimes.
Let's break for a second. What a great line.
And from the front! Not in looks, no, maybe, but definitely in scoring, and personality.
Quite literally, scoring at will. This is during the lockout, which is why everything looks weird; turn down the volume if you don't want weird looks. Anyway, this is also when he broke his orbital bone, and got crazyeyes.
Exhibit A:
Before. Peripherally, ahahah, most hilarious prep-school photo eveeeeeerrrrrrrrr.
Exhibit B:
After. Okay, not fair, but this is a creepy-ass picture, and I wanted to share.
After a little while, the single, crooked-as-heck tooth seems really cute? I AM SORRY.
I do think he is objectively cute. There, I said it. Or, as charmingly put here, Squee-Off!: My Husbands: He was known for his unruly circa-1984 bush of curly hair, his refusal to have his dislodged front tooth replaced, and his Bowie-esque mismatched eyes...so many wrongs about his look that they added up into one big right. He was goofy and charming and all of his imperfections made him endearing and, dare I say, hot. But he has recently trimmed back the fro, revealing an oddly shaped head and a growing, monastic bald spot. And, most alarmingly, has had a new tooth put in, eliminating the most charming pirate smile in the NHL. Only the eyes remain, a faint reminder of the iconoclastic look that he once possessed
So, in researching this (yes, I do) I felt...iffy about reading too much on Dany Heatley. Like, it is perfectly obvious that he has a heap of personal issues, and sometimes it's nice to not delve too deeply, right? But then I remembered that I don't need to go that deep, I am a creep anyway, and, oh look, people do it professionally, off-line: Heatley seen, but not heard. And what do we get? Well, this awkward quote: "Not right now, man. Sorry, I‘m just about to take off, actually," which is, I am sure, not what we were hoping for. Although, really? What were we hoping for? That he'd come out with a detailed rationale for wanting to leave Ottawa beyond just, 'well, my ice time sucks.' That he'd say 'sorry, expended all of my ability to participate in normal human society in not knocking you on the head?' Perhaps 'sorry, I am really bad at talking about this; that's why you people all have orbital bones, you know, to store logical reactions to external stimuli in.' As far as I can tell, it was just a really poorly-delivered demand for a meeting with Clouston, and should, probably, you know, have stayed internal, and oh, please don't leave Ottawa, please please please. My researches bring me to this conclusion: Oh, sad and weird Heatley, you need a hug. I am the woman to give it; fine, so he's too old for La TSwift, which is the point of this post, but, oh man, please Dany Heatley please.
I have been doing a lot of begging in my head, this off-season when do I not? SHUT UP. Thus far, it has mostly been fruitful, but I will certainly cry if Heatley moves.
Certainly. I did find an old interview, A sit down with Dany Heatley from the beginning of last season, in 2008, and Heatley, further endearing himself to me, and just about every sports fan with any connection to the Midwest, expressed an interest in U of Wisconsin teams, and then this exchange took place:
Q: Where do you sit on the Brett Favre controversy?
A: I think you'll always think of him as a Packer, no question, but you can't fault the guy for wanting to continue to play. You can tell, obviously, he loves the game and just loves to play football, so you can't fault him for going somewhere else to play.
WHICH, NO. Ugh, please learn from Favre's mistakes, and DO NOT DO THAT. AT ALL. PLEASE OH I AM ACTUALLY BEGGING THIS IS GOING TO BE SHAMEFUL IN THE MORNING, BUT, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE NO ONE WILL BE ABLE TO DEAL AT ALL, AND THE RETURNS WILL BE SAD AND UGLY AND I HAVE HAD ENOUGH WITH THE WEIRDNESS BUT I REALLY HAVEN'T OH PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE STAY.
So that ended up mostly being a post about how much I like Dany Heatley the Ottawa Senators. Or, really, how much amusement I derive from their organisation, which is *almost* the same thing. I promise to talk about the actual rookies (Cowen!) or like, the other dudes on the team (Spezza! Oh my gosh Spezza!) in the future. Thanks, guys. And, sigh, I suppose that this brings me slightly closer to my goal of discussing the Southeastern Division. See, because I wrote a whole post about hockey without mentioning KCavs, or someone's sense of style-
DAMN IT, LA TSWIFT. Taylor Lautner, really? FINE IGNORE MY HARD WORK. Which wasn't really that hard, and was mostly silly pictures.
So, yeah! I am going to be gone for the weekend, but since I have posted more in the last two days than just about ever before, it's sort of whatever. Off to stalk my hot second cousin, and see if my new step-second cousins are at all suitable. What, it isn't like I will have anything else to do. Though I will probably be updating Twitter frequently, so c-c-check it.