(no subject)
It's Daniel's and my one year anniversary today. So we broke up in April, but it's still special. Today, a year ago, was when we first started going out. We hardly even knew eachother, but went for it anyway. Last night I sent Daniel a message asking if he wanted to spend time with me when he finished work, whether it be 12am or 3am. He never replied. So I don't know if he even cares that it's December 8. He would know what day it was though. *sigh* This has really made me realise.. if he doesn't care about something like this, he's not worth it. It means a lot to me, what day it is. If I go to bed tonight and he hasn't even contacted me, then fuck it. I am so sick of being emotionally screwed around by him. I am so sick of the fact he cares when he wants to, and every other time he doesn't give a flying fuck.
On Friday night when Daniel came over I made no attempt at all to be affectionate towards him. All the other times it's been me who made the move and I wanted to see whether he cared enough to do it himself. Being around him was difficult. At one point I said "Awww, Daniel.." and he didn't know why. It was because I love being with him, I love HIM, and I could feel it. So anyway, first he said "Where's my hug?" and we hugged, and then he picked me up and dropped me on the bed. I was lying on the carpet with him, and he put his arm around me and gave me a big long hug. He lay on top of me, kissed me on the neck, and then we lay there hugging. He said "You're a good friend, you know.." I replied "Aww thankyou, I try to be.." Then HE kissed ME. He hugged me again, and then kissed me again. And all this was none of my doing. I said "Are you OK? Are you confused?" He said "Yes, I really confused."
Yet I feel used, you know? I'm not even the one initiating it, and Daniel GOES to cheat on his girlfriend with me. If he loves being with me so much, and loves affection from me so much, why is he with her? It seems so stupid and crazy. He likes her as the girlfriend, me as just the friend, yet he does this. When he's around me his realisation that he cares for me naturally comes out, but at other times it's like he doesn't at all. It's so unfair, and it really hurts. ;( I see Daniel once a week, and when we're together it's special. But the other 6 days.. it's like I'm non-existant in his life. No contact, probably no thought. All that and more goes towards his girlfriend. I'm a fucking idiot, I've got to stop this.
On Friday night when Daniel came over I made no attempt at all to be affectionate towards him. All the other times it's been me who made the move and I wanted to see whether he cared enough to do it himself. Being around him was difficult. At one point I said "Awww, Daniel.." and he didn't know why. It was because I love being with him, I love HIM, and I could feel it. So anyway, first he said "Where's my hug?" and we hugged, and then he picked me up and dropped me on the bed. I was lying on the carpet with him, and he put his arm around me and gave me a big long hug. He lay on top of me, kissed me on the neck, and then we lay there hugging. He said "You're a good friend, you know.." I replied "Aww thankyou, I try to be.." Then HE kissed ME. He hugged me again, and then kissed me again. And all this was none of my doing. I said "Are you OK? Are you confused?" He said "Yes, I really confused."
Yet I feel used, you know? I'm not even the one initiating it, and Daniel GOES to cheat on his girlfriend with me. If he loves being with me so much, and loves affection from me so much, why is he with her? It seems so stupid and crazy. He likes her as the girlfriend, me as just the friend, yet he does this. When he's around me his realisation that he cares for me naturally comes out, but at other times it's like he doesn't at all. It's so unfair, and it really hurts. ;( I see Daniel once a week, and when we're together it's special. But the other 6 days.. it's like I'm non-existant in his life. No contact, probably no thought. All that and more goes towards his girlfriend. I'm a fucking idiot, I've got to stop this.