I can't tell...
Saw my green-haired darling again today. So confused by what happened.
The other day we were texting with each other and kind of having fun, when he out of nowhere asked if we could have a long, serious talk. It came out of nowhere. He was drunk at the time but seemed like he was kind of eager to have it, so I agreed. I knew the conversation wouldn't be an easy one and I knew it didn't mean we were going to magically get back together after one talk, but I'm still kind of spinning from the experience, and I almost feel like I have more question than I did when I started.
I picked him up after work and we went for lunch. The conversation was casual and light for most of eating and waiting for food. The only serious thing that came up was that he he said he noticed that I'd blocked him on Facebook a while ago, though he was quick to add that he didn't care about Facebook, and just that he noticed. I explained that it wasn't to do with me being mad at him, but so that I wouldn't get upset seeing how his life was so great without me in it. He said that he never said it was, so I guess that's kind of good. He also said that when it came to it, he was afraid of getting into the talk because he didn't want to make me sad because I seemed to be sad so often. I explained again about the hospital and my diagnosis and how it makes me think the way I think, and also called him out on a lot of the stuff that had been happening to make me get so down. He then wanted me to stop making assumptions about his feelings and just ask him outright for his thoughts. So I asked if this was the friend-zone speech, and he said that he didn't believe such a thing really existed, so no. He just wondered if it was healthy for us to see each other right now because he felt he needed to do a lot to focus on fixing himself and other things that weren't necessarily "us", going back to the baby steps thing he had mentioned last time and said I really ought to be doing the same. Which I agreed with, saying that we can't do what we did last time and just jump back into it without talking about it and figuring things out. In and out of the conversation, he made comments that were somewhat contradictory: one minute he'd be talking about how relationships don't shake out to be what you expect them to be, but then would turn around and say that I was still a very important person to him, or that I shouldn't worry that he's just run off to be with someone else.
To be fair, this was kind of the state we were in the last time we broke up, except that it was a lot less healthy. I know it's not something that'll probably be fixed for at least another month or two, but I guess it was a positive step. Obviously I want things to go back to the way we were, to have that closeness again, but I feel like we will become even closer than before if all this goes well. Already, even though this conversation we had today was confusing and not exactly the easiest one in the world, I felt like we talked about things in a way we never really have before. My one friend kind of freaked me out saying that she thought he had decided one way or the other already, but I already know he has changed his mind like three times since this goat rodeo started, so if anything, he is truly focusing on himself and figuring his shit out. And maybe waiting to see that I'm okay too.
The other day we were texting with each other and kind of having fun, when he out of nowhere asked if we could have a long, serious talk. It came out of nowhere. He was drunk at the time but seemed like he was kind of eager to have it, so I agreed. I knew the conversation wouldn't be an easy one and I knew it didn't mean we were going to magically get back together after one talk, but I'm still kind of spinning from the experience, and I almost feel like I have more question than I did when I started.
I picked him up after work and we went for lunch. The conversation was casual and light for most of eating and waiting for food. The only serious thing that came up was that he he said he noticed that I'd blocked him on Facebook a while ago, though he was quick to add that he didn't care about Facebook, and just that he noticed. I explained that it wasn't to do with me being mad at him, but so that I wouldn't get upset seeing how his life was so great without me in it. He said that he never said it was, so I guess that's kind of good. He also said that when it came to it, he was afraid of getting into the talk because he didn't want to make me sad because I seemed to be sad so often. I explained again about the hospital and my diagnosis and how it makes me think the way I think, and also called him out on a lot of the stuff that had been happening to make me get so down. He then wanted me to stop making assumptions about his feelings and just ask him outright for his thoughts. So I asked if this was the friend-zone speech, and he said that he didn't believe such a thing really existed, so no. He just wondered if it was healthy for us to see each other right now because he felt he needed to do a lot to focus on fixing himself and other things that weren't necessarily "us", going back to the baby steps thing he had mentioned last time and said I really ought to be doing the same. Which I agreed with, saying that we can't do what we did last time and just jump back into it without talking about it and figuring things out. In and out of the conversation, he made comments that were somewhat contradictory: one minute he'd be talking about how relationships don't shake out to be what you expect them to be, but then would turn around and say that I was still a very important person to him, or that I shouldn't worry that he's just run off to be with someone else.
To be fair, this was kind of the state we were in the last time we broke up, except that it was a lot less healthy. I know it's not something that'll probably be fixed for at least another month or two, but I guess it was a positive step. Obviously I want things to go back to the way we were, to have that closeness again, but I feel like we will become even closer than before if all this goes well. Already, even though this conversation we had today was confusing and not exactly the easiest one in the world, I felt like we talked about things in a way we never really have before. My one friend kind of freaked me out saying that she thought he had decided one way or the other already, but I already know he has changed his mind like three times since this goat rodeo started, so if anything, he is truly focusing on himself and figuring his shit out. And maybe waiting to see that I'm okay too.