Break My Excuses To Leave Over Your Bony Knees
Sorry to be annoying, annoying, annoying, but typing this stuff kind of helps me think!!
Last week, my green-haired darling invited me out to dinner with him. Considering he had just been telling me when I'd had lunch with him a few days earlier that he was super broke, it was kind of nice to hear he wanted to "dine" with me (his words, haha). When we met up, it almost felt like old times when we were just friends (and I was too stupid to realize he liked me). We walked around the city and ended up in one of our favourite comic book shops in Manhattan, which had just moved to a new location. So we had fun looking at books and I helped him choose a new comic to read. Small world, one of the girls who worked there turned out to be the photographer who had seen him at a local Staten Island show and taken his photograph because he has this local band's logo tattooed to his arm. Anyway, we then left and walked to the train. All the time, he's complimenting that the pants I was wearing (which were new) looked good on me, and when we got onto the train and were looking at the Hyrule Historia I bought (hell yeah), he decided the best way to situate himself next to me on the bench was to try the old stretch/arm-around-the-back move, which was almost hilariously obvious, even for a crowded train. Then we got to the restaurant and it was more of that kind of fun banter again, and I found I was much easier with it as I get better practice at sorting good thoughts from bad thoughts, and not worrying about every little thing like it's bad. During the conversation, he even took my hand and squeezed it for a few minutes while we talked and I said that I wished I'd brought him the clinical pamphlet I'd taken from the hospital about my diagnosis, as I felt I wasn't doing a very good job of explaining it, to which his response was that he was trying very hard to. Then the conversation somehow turned into one about our friend Dave, who was the one who had been with me the night we had argued. Though I didn't specifically cite that night, I told him that Dave had cemented himself as a real friend to me by coming through for me when I didn't even think we were friends like that. Twice. And I think that was the best way to say many things to him about how I feel about loyalty and what I need from people in terms of support without being accusatory. Anyway, after that we went back to joking about how the waitress had her tits way too much on display, and then we nerded about Laura Stevenson and I got ridiculously excited about her and did that music nerd thing that I do, and I think he liked hearing me do so over an artist he liked so much. It was nice that he could see we could have a serious conversation in the middle of normal conversation and go back to normal conversation, and no one died. When we left, we walked together until I had to leave for my train stop, but I waited at the corner with him for the light to change. We hugged for a long moment before parting ways, and just on impulse, I leaned up and kissed his cheek and then ran away. He called after me, "See you later, Shannons," using one of his nicknames for me, but I played it cool and didn't turn around. And even though I worried maybe that was a bad move, he settled my fears the next day by texting me about the comic I helped him pick. So whew.
I think it's positive and moving at a good place and I'm panicking less. I am also getting better at recognizing my negative thought patterns and it's helping me be more confident not just around him, but in general. (Today I told off someone I know for mansplaining my feelings about the whole thing and I didn't even feel guilty about it.) I think things will fall naturally into place, but there we go.
Last week, my green-haired darling invited me out to dinner with him. Considering he had just been telling me when I'd had lunch with him a few days earlier that he was super broke, it was kind of nice to hear he wanted to "dine" with me (his words, haha). When we met up, it almost felt like old times when we were just friends (and I was too stupid to realize he liked me). We walked around the city and ended up in one of our favourite comic book shops in Manhattan, which had just moved to a new location. So we had fun looking at books and I helped him choose a new comic to read. Small world, one of the girls who worked there turned out to be the photographer who had seen him at a local Staten Island show and taken his photograph because he has this local band's logo tattooed to his arm. Anyway, we then left and walked to the train. All the time, he's complimenting that the pants I was wearing (which were new) looked good on me, and when we got onto the train and were looking at the Hyrule Historia I bought (hell yeah), he decided the best way to situate himself next to me on the bench was to try the old stretch/arm-around-the-back move, which was almost hilariously obvious, even for a crowded train. Then we got to the restaurant and it was more of that kind of fun banter again, and I found I was much easier with it as I get better practice at sorting good thoughts from bad thoughts, and not worrying about every little thing like it's bad. During the conversation, he even took my hand and squeezed it for a few minutes while we talked and I said that I wished I'd brought him the clinical pamphlet I'd taken from the hospital about my diagnosis, as I felt I wasn't doing a very good job of explaining it, to which his response was that he was trying very hard to. Then the conversation somehow turned into one about our friend Dave, who was the one who had been with me the night we had argued. Though I didn't specifically cite that night, I told him that Dave had cemented himself as a real friend to me by coming through for me when I didn't even think we were friends like that. Twice. And I think that was the best way to say many things to him about how I feel about loyalty and what I need from people in terms of support without being accusatory. Anyway, after that we went back to joking about how the waitress had her tits way too much on display, and then we nerded about Laura Stevenson and I got ridiculously excited about her and did that music nerd thing that I do, and I think he liked hearing me do so over an artist he liked so much. It was nice that he could see we could have a serious conversation in the middle of normal conversation and go back to normal conversation, and no one died. When we left, we walked together until I had to leave for my train stop, but I waited at the corner with him for the light to change. We hugged for a long moment before parting ways, and just on impulse, I leaned up and kissed his cheek and then ran away. He called after me, "See you later, Shannons," using one of his nicknames for me, but I played it cool and didn't turn around. And even though I worried maybe that was a bad move, he settled my fears the next day by texting me about the comic I helped him pick. So whew.
I think it's positive and moving at a good place and I'm panicking less. I am also getting better at recognizing my negative thought patterns and it's helping me be more confident not just around him, but in general. (Today I told off someone I know for mansplaining my feelings about the whole thing and I didn't even feel guilty about it.) I think things will fall naturally into place, but there we go.