(no subject)
Today I observe the strange dichotomy between the exponential success I am seeing in my professional life and the slow degredation and/or stagnation of [SOME ASPECTS OF] my personal life.
I used to think that you had to win competitions and scholarships to be successful.
Really, I didn't even know about music competitions until I came to conservatory, which was when I was 21, going on 22. So, for the past four-ish years, that is what I thought.
I'm happy that a lot of great things are happening in my life. I can't really say yet what specifically, but professionally, and as a pianist, things are looking very wonderful for me right now and a lot of great opportunities are opening up. I didn't get here by having my parents push me through rigorous programs as a child and winning things. I've given my go at competitions in the recent past and nothing has really ever resulted from them. That's fine- I had a great time at at least one of them and I cherish that memory. I also try to cherish the memories of the not-so-good experiences as well.
I got to where I am right now by working hard. Every. Day. I failed a lot more than I succeeded. I often felt like I had so far to catch up that I shouldn't even try. I cried so many times because of performances I knew I could have done better at, things that I fucked up, things that I did wrong, and not "winning that scholarship". Even from all of that let down, hardly ever did I lapse for very long from practicing or working towards improving myself as a pianist. All I had to do was go back to being the musician I knew I was deep down, get up the next day, say "fuck the rest", and the everything would eventually come from all the hard work, practice, and dedication that I knew I could commit to. Really, what else did I have going on in my life, anyways? Seemed like the best option to me. Seemed like the only option. I am not getting any younger.
This was all a circle, a continuous movement towards something I somehow, even though the odds were stacked against me, knew I could achieve at some point. Even at my lowest points, I never fully lost my resilience. Something kept me going. Perhaps it was Nic, or my Dad. Perhaps it was some voice inside me that wouldn't shut the fuck up despite my negative berating and self harm. There was always some glowing, resilient part of me that knew I didn't need to please everyone to get where I wanted to be. If someone didn't like my playing, or my singing, or my ideas, then honestly, fuck them. Someone later will. Maybe I fucked up today, but tomorrow I'll be better. Or maybe I'm just not in the right setting for my talents.
As a [part] Native in the very white world [I say that in reference to Western societal structures and not in a racial way] that I exist and work in, I've taken a very Native approach to getting to where I am. If that is all that I ever have, then I will hang onto it forever. It makes me proud to know that. I didn't see that until after this summer.
Music will never be a competition to me, nor will my life ever function in a linear fashion as Western Society [sorry, but, white people] sets it up to be here. However, the field that I have chosen for my life has proven to be very centered around that. After so many years of tormenting myself over why I suck because I didn't get something, [maybe I was upset because I know I am a good musician, maybe one day I do deserve to "win something"], I honestly just want to play the damn piano. Every chance I have. I may not live until I'm 80. I might get cancer and die young, and I may not get to play piano for as long as so many other people. Or, who knows, maybe I'll live until 94 like my strong, resilient, Native Grandfather did, and I'll play for almost a century. I can't know though, so I have to play every. Chance. I. Have. And play like no one is watching, or judging. Play with my most VULNERABLE self because that is what makes music MUSIC. The expression of what it is to be HUMAN. The freedom, comfort, and understanding with your emotional self paired with the intelligent, rationalized and sophisticated interpretation is what makes great musicians great, but to me, the first will always be more important. I think the marriage of these is the ultimate goal of every musician, and if it isn't, it should be.
I used to think that you had to win competitions and scholarships to be successful.
Really, I didn't even know about music competitions until I came to conservatory, which was when I was 21, going on 22. So, for the past four-ish years, that is what I thought.
I'm happy that a lot of great things are happening in my life. I can't really say yet what specifically, but professionally, and as a pianist, things are looking very wonderful for me right now and a lot of great opportunities are opening up. I didn't get here by having my parents push me through rigorous programs as a child and winning things. I've given my go at competitions in the recent past and nothing has really ever resulted from them. That's fine- I had a great time at at least one of them and I cherish that memory. I also try to cherish the memories of the not-so-good experiences as well.
I got to where I am right now by working hard. Every. Day. I failed a lot more than I succeeded. I often felt like I had so far to catch up that I shouldn't even try. I cried so many times because of performances I knew I could have done better at, things that I fucked up, things that I did wrong, and not "winning that scholarship". Even from all of that let down, hardly ever did I lapse for very long from practicing or working towards improving myself as a pianist. All I had to do was go back to being the musician I knew I was deep down, get up the next day, say "fuck the rest", and the everything would eventually come from all the hard work, practice, and dedication that I knew I could commit to. Really, what else did I have going on in my life, anyways? Seemed like the best option to me. Seemed like the only option. I am not getting any younger.
This was all a circle, a continuous movement towards something I somehow, even though the odds were stacked against me, knew I could achieve at some point. Even at my lowest points, I never fully lost my resilience. Something kept me going. Perhaps it was Nic, or my Dad. Perhaps it was some voice inside me that wouldn't shut the fuck up despite my negative berating and self harm. There was always some glowing, resilient part of me that knew I didn't need to please everyone to get where I wanted to be. If someone didn't like my playing, or my singing, or my ideas, then honestly, fuck them. Someone later will. Maybe I fucked up today, but tomorrow I'll be better. Or maybe I'm just not in the right setting for my talents.
As a [part] Native in the very white world [I say that in reference to Western societal structures and not in a racial way] that I exist and work in, I've taken a very Native approach to getting to where I am. If that is all that I ever have, then I will hang onto it forever. It makes me proud to know that. I didn't see that until after this summer.
Music will never be a competition to me, nor will my life ever function in a linear fashion as Western Society [sorry, but, white people] sets it up to be here. However, the field that I have chosen for my life has proven to be very centered around that. After so many years of tormenting myself over why I suck because I didn't get something, [maybe I was upset because I know I am a good musician, maybe one day I do deserve to "win something"], I honestly just want to play the damn piano. Every chance I have. I may not live until I'm 80. I might get cancer and die young, and I may not get to play piano for as long as so many other people. Or, who knows, maybe I'll live until 94 like my strong, resilient, Native Grandfather did, and I'll play for almost a century. I can't know though, so I have to play every. Chance. I. Have. And play like no one is watching, or judging. Play with my most VULNERABLE self because that is what makes music MUSIC. The expression of what it is to be HUMAN. The freedom, comfort, and understanding with your emotional self paired with the intelligent, rationalized and sophisticated interpretation is what makes great musicians great, but to me, the first will always be more important. I think the marriage of these is the ultimate goal of every musician, and if it isn't, it should be.