The Way It May Had Been..
Ah, it's funny sitting here thinking about what could become of my future. What could become of Spencer and I or what may become of Michael and myself.. I know Spencer will never marry me for the simple fact, he's just not as mature as I am. No one is at this age. I was mature at 5. Half of the freshman are mature.. even half of the sophomores. It will amaze me if we even stay friends after high school. It hurts to even think about it so I will stop. As I sit here and think about me and Michael, sometimes a pain shoots through me. I get to ready to type a line, say "*Kisses him*". I look at it and push backspace, sighing. I know I just can't do it anymore but the fact that I can't hurts me the most and then, I am not suppose to get mad at him but.. I do so anyway when I don't get my way. I'll never really be faithful to him as long as he stays in Georgia. Maybe after highschool. Sophomore, Junior year, I want someone. Someone to keep me company you know.. He won't and can't be here for that. As I think about it, I miss those times. But I would have missed out on alot of things here. I had my first kiss, I had my first real life boyfriend, I know what it is like to hold hands, to feel.. free. However, I am so overprotective of everything I hold dear to me, especially Spencer. When Allie comes around, I put my guard up for one fact, she's the ex, for the second fact, I have a low self-esteem and don't believe I am as good as her. I never have. Never will. Sometimes that's when hate sets in. No one understands why I am protective. They never really will because.. no one understand me. They never want to. *Sighs and starts to cry* I wish someone could understand how I am. Maybe it would make me feel better. I wish I had that perfect friend who would be right here to listen to me and pat my shoulder when I cry or something. When I cried earlier, no one comforted me. Jessica just kept talking about something stupid, the others just watched, Spencer kept his eye on me, not really comforting me either. Ree has and always has been there for me. Here or there, she's always just a call away. *Sighs* Anyway, I wish some things were the same, some changed but this is life, this is how we live it.