Oh Happy...day...
Oh joy.. I spent my Sunday evening arguing and telling Kerry about the last 2 or so months that he has been gone and the mistake he made of breaking up with me and how he totally tore my world apart. Hm, at first he didn't give a shit and after I cried through the whole explanation of things he felt bad and got that depressed tone in his voice "I never knew." You never seem to know much of anything. Christina/Kristina/Cristina, however you spell her name has won his heart and.. there is nothing I can do about it. As for Mike, I don't even know anymore. It's like I'm fighting the worst battle of all time. One minute, he tells me not to give him playful kisses then turns around and kisses me himself. Then everytime I do, he acts stupid about it. So I totally give up on that aspect. He says he wants to marry me and all this other hoobaish stuff and hey, it left me with a happy thought for...the night. Now today I am back to thinking there is no way I can go out with him ever again. It just can't be possible. I can't do him right and that's it. There is nothing else to it. I am no good for him so he should just find someone else just like Kerry did. As for me, I'm to the point that I don't care if I die a virgin or never get married.. What's the point in thinking it anymore.. Thinking of marrying anyone I wanted to anymore is the dumbest thing possible. I try to think of me marrying Mike and lightning comes out of no where and strikes that dream and burns it away. Mike can think it all he wants to but I'm to the point that I am not foolish enough to believe it anymore. I am not even foolish enough to believe he's willing to wait.. say..10 years to marry me. I am not marrying at 18, so he better get over it. 10 years is even a rough estimate. I just don't know. I am to the point that I can't force him to do what I want. He won't do what I want. So, it doesn't matter. If he wants to wait 10-15 years to marry me, he's brave. If not, I can't help that. Why fall in love with me in the first place.. my love is a waste of time.. the love I give Spencer is like..the best any girlfriend can give and he wastes it.. as he will always do. I'm cuddly, I'm nice, I'm sweet, I give the best kisses, I'm playful, try to be supportative, believe this all or not. I am not the same in real life as online.. so yes, I use to be the pimpin' queen of the online society.. use to be. I may even seem mean or harsh or just humanly cruel online or even how I write but I am a very very very very very very very very very very loving person in real life. I'm upon one of the only girlfriends that does not cheat on a boyfriend and then is happy about it. Well, enough about me complaining.. so much on my mind that I wish I could get out but I can't. I have no one to listen to me, I have no one at all.. If I talk to someone about it, I'm bitching about more stuff then needed but if I keep it, it grows on my chest like a heavy ass rock. Bottom line is, I love Michael.. somewhat. But it's not as much as I use to for the simple fact that he's always pushing me away. I use to be obessed with him but each time he pushes me away, the more it fades. It did the same with Spencer. Michael will keep pushing me away until I never come around again and then he'll be sorry, but that's his choice, not mine. I don't try to manipulate him anymore, nor will I beg, plea, cry, or anything else to do what I want. To me, our relationship will never get anywhere by how he's building it. He's building it on the same shaky ass poles we did in the beginning. Write more, call some, send pictures, send cards, send gifts, I mean, if you want something out of this, you have to work. Sorry but reality is, relationships don't just grow on love, sorry. Never has, none that I have seeen.
Here's the point, I have lost my sense of believing that he'd marry me for one reason, I'm black. For another, it will take me 10-15 years to say yes. Black, eh, is not so much the problem except when it comes down to cooking food or.. other minor white stupidities like jumping off bridges and jumping from Niragra Falls like some black person is really going to mock someone and jump off Niragra Falls. <.< Right, we're that stupid. I mean I know blacks are arrogant, stupid, annoying, and other things sometimes but we have never been dumb enough to jump off a waterfall. Or even put our head in a lion's mouth or anything else! I wouldn't even go near a lion out of its cage. Enough about me trying to figure out the flaws of the white society. I know plenty flaws for blacks. Lazy, stubborn, big mouthed, short-tempered.. list goes on. But anyway, the point, which I will find soon is that.. I love Michael, a good deal, but there is no way in hell are we going to work out if we keep going this way. I feel it in my heart, my blood, my mind, and my soul that we won't. I wish he would just stop being stubborn and show how he really feels but that will never happen. He will leave me a comment or two after this so I will be waiting..
If you want me, you better work a lot harder.