Leaving...
Well, I don't even know how to start off this journal. You know, I sit here listening to Hoobastank's song "The Reason" and it only makes me feel worse. Once again, I had a talk with Mike and it didn't end well.. like it never does. I made a mistake in the past. I made.. alot of mistakes. I used people, I hurt people, and I did the total opposite of what I wanted to do. In the end, I was broken down to the point that I was mentally insane, suicidal, and totally cold. I almost had to be put in a mental institute because my mom claimed me crazy. No one knew this. Well anyway, now a days, Mike is believing that I don't love him as much as he loves me which can be true. He broke up with me.. like.. twice or something like that. He lives more than 500 miles from me. We are not the same. I am not the same stupid little girl and he.. he is the same basically. He says I don't trust him, which isn't true.. I hardly trust anyone anymore. I don't trust anyone with my money, my feelings, my heart, my mind, nothing that belongs to me. I am sorry that he can continue to be the way he is but each time I get hurt, I seal myself off more and more. I am like my mom unfortunately. WHY DO YOU KEEP LOVING ME, You fool.. *She starts to cry* I have never been any good to you and I doubt I ever will be. I don't want to be alone, do you not understand. Each time I see boys and girls hugging, kissing, I wanted it. I worked for it, I got it. I am 15 years old with 15 years ahead of me before I get married. I gave up that dream for now. Michael, I don't believe you can do it.. Ok, there. I don't believe it. Are you important enough for me to wait for.. maybe.. You broke up with me for that reason that you did. I was wrong. I have been wrong. I am always wrong ok.. I'll never be right and I will never know when I will be.. And now I am leaving online... I don't know when I will talk to you again. You'll probably change your name and forget about me but I am staying away from you for now. I am tired of hurting you all the time.. so it is just best for me to just leave. This is my sacrifice for you. Go out and be happy.. do something with your life instead of waiting for a stupid black girl like me...If you never talk to me, then I understand. It's best for you.. no amount of love should have to put you through the pain that I do. I am not worth waiting for.. I have never been. I am not even worth talking to. No, I don't say this so you can feel sorry for me but I am done putting you through this.. I just am.. and I won't... Maybe later, I'll come back and talk to you and be more.. I don't know the term but be different..Goodbye..