(no subject)

Nov 01, 2004 20:49

i dont know y im posting really,
guess itss a diary to me. like anyones gonna read it.
maybe if i had friends like i know i have friends but really i dont know. i see everybody with there friendship (big friendship)groups and its sucks to think of the thought of my birthday party. unless i want to invite skanks sleezy guys and fuckwits that leaves only a few people, like dont get me wrong im grateful for that because the ones left ova are my closest friends and i love them dearly i guess im jealous of everyone else around me. it hurts.
i want to move to queensland so bad and everything was good we were set to move up on like the 6th of december but then fucking arsehole mick and cock glenn had to call up like alcoholic bastards as usual and fuck everything up for me. fuck them. fuck i hate them they can go screw them selves. fuck you. and now everythime i speak to my sister i have to lie because she still thinks were moving up and i have to play happy cheery person and lie and say we still are.and for once in my life i thought it wouyld be the first time growing up with my nreices and watching them grow up, but no ill never really see them again. fuck i wish there was some way to fix it. fuck i cant stand this place anymore i cant stand skool people life, i cant handle it any more i just want out of this situation, fuck b4 it drives me insane or worse. it like eats at me.
what can i do it like draws me cack to my crossroads. i either turn left or right but which one is the write choice;
danni be her friend or not.
to fuck off and live up in queensland or not.
to stay on at skool (college) or not.
to tell karen or not.
to go off at mick and glenn or not.
to give up or try and stay on.
im so confused.
its funni u think back on ur whole life and you can make a new out come in your head. like when you were 5 yrs old to stand up to your father then back away scared. or when your 11yrs old pled to ur sister not to leave rather then sitting there cryin by urself doin nothing. or when ur in yr 9 experimenting with new things run away from home with ur friends rather then staying on. or rather then backing down all the time actually standing up for yourself for once. maybe if somehow i could rewind everything i could have a better life maybe i wouldnt be so stressed out and feel so sick but yet have to hide it from everyone and say everything is ok. i just dont know how much longer i can leep on i feel like im ready to burst at anytime. i spose i not the only one though. i always have been dirt though i wish i could just stay invisable for ever. or maybe be a bird and fly higher then everything else so no one can see me so im alone for at least 5 mis. i always have this dream im in a field of flowers and there is only one shady tree in sight and here i am by myself. all i know is right know i back to being in the middle of traffic and i cant get to the other side of the road because traffic is so bad, even though ppl pull over and see if im ok once in a while still in the end they drive off and leave me. like usual what i have been having to deal with all my life.
maybe one day ill decide just leap across traffic, but i wonder what the outcome will be.
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