Divided, we must pray for the broken
What I'm feeling is loneliness. I've very rarely recognized this feeling, because it hurts so much. Knowing people are "there" for you is never as effective as having someone to be THERE for you. I need people closer to me in my life. I'm turning out to be much weaker than I thought. People so easily forget about me, ignore me, push me off to the side, and I have to assume it's because I'm not doing something right. I just don't know what to fix anymore. Things that have worked in the past aren't good enough. It's frustrating, and I'm still incredibly lonely. I can go for days without physically speaking to people other than at work and possibly in class, without much effort. I need to try harder, I guess... it just hurts when my efforts go unnoticed. I need to try harder.
I came upon this feeling when trying to decide why it hurts so much that he doesn't call or seem to want to talk to me. He can say so many meaningful things, then just forget to act on them. He doesn't act like he cares, even though I beg him to show a bit more affection and give me things I truly need. I don't think I ask for much. Maybe he doesn't see how weak I am, or maybe he doesn't want to be my crutch. Whatever his reasoning is, his lack of presence in my life is so hard because it makes me feel so lonely. I want him to be there and to act like he's in love with me... but I can't. Nothing I do or say seems to matter. When he's talking to me, it's okay. When we're together, it's usually really good. But it's hard for me to know I'm even in the corner of his mind when he won't give me the time of day.
I'm just too needy.
But I recognize that now. I'm not as strong as I thought. I need other people. I need to not feel like I'm completely alone. But that isn't exactly going to happen, and I need to deal. I need to find a way to improve myself and be a stronger person.
Being in love is a terrible complement to loneliness.
I came upon this feeling when trying to decide why it hurts so much that he doesn't call or seem to want to talk to me. He can say so many meaningful things, then just forget to act on them. He doesn't act like he cares, even though I beg him to show a bit more affection and give me things I truly need. I don't think I ask for much. Maybe he doesn't see how weak I am, or maybe he doesn't want to be my crutch. Whatever his reasoning is, his lack of presence in my life is so hard because it makes me feel so lonely. I want him to be there and to act like he's in love with me... but I can't. Nothing I do or say seems to matter. When he's talking to me, it's okay. When we're together, it's usually really good. But it's hard for me to know I'm even in the corner of his mind when he won't give me the time of day.
I'm just too needy.
But I recognize that now. I'm not as strong as I thought. I need other people. I need to not feel like I'm completely alone. But that isn't exactly going to happen, and I need to deal. I need to find a way to improve myself and be a stronger person.
Being in love is a terrible complement to loneliness.