Restructuring
Yes, I know I promised a post weeks ago. I just didn't have it in me to make one. So much has happened now, I'm not truly sure where to even begin.
T and J have both made clear that they don't really want or need to read the posts I make here, so I'm going to go ahead and post something that won't be coming out to T until tomorrow. Mostly I'm posting because I'm nervous about making the announcement, not about whether it's the right thing to do or not.
At the end of October, I will be moving out of our shared home and into someplace of my own. I actually already know the apartment complex I'll be moving into. I've already made a call and found out that yes, a one bedroom will be free, possibly a two bedroom. Either will be very affordable, and are rented with utilities included. (Except cable, of course, and that will suck to get connected, but such is life.)
Things here never really did smooth out. They started to and then T became suddenly caught up on a roller coaster of being ok with things, and then being ready to break up with J. Honestly, I know J isn't ready to admit this, but she's ready to break up with him when he doesn't do what she wants. It's a bit heart-breaking to see. I don't think she's a bad person, I think she's just lacking severely in any other examples of how to act. Also, she tends to still be highly reactive to he and I spending time together and drawing close to one another again. it's just, uncomfortable all around. I admit that I also haven't been the icon of poly-perfection through this.
The problems that J and I had even before T was involved sort of did what problems do in a poly environment; they erupted and took over every interaction between he and I for weeks until we were able to get some resolutions going. That we did get things resolved, and celebrated our 3rd anniversary at the start of this month was wonderful. I realized though, as he and I worked to resolve things, that we needed time alone, both together and separately. Everything was "group time." I pushed for the time alone, for myself first, and then for the time with J. Tensions in the household increased. Tensions increased to the point that after J and I had spent a wonderful evening together, we came home and he ended up staying with T for the night because she was suddenly certain that she was going to have to break up with him because being left behind was too much for her to handle. My response when J told me this was to become very unhappy about the entire thing, myself, and to begin complaining about how he and I can't even have a conversation alone, without banishing ourselves to our room because she can't bear to just leave us alone for a moment.
It just went on and on and on ... and finally during one of our conversations, J told me that he is also feeling overly stressed and unhappy living here. He was ready to move out, himself, and go back to his place; happy that he'd maintained it. I hadn't, at the time, thought of it from J's point of view, but basically, T and I both were feeling the lack of one-on-one time, and both had been after him to arrange the time. Here's where the real issue arises. We have evenings after work, which go something like "Home, store if needed, dinner prep, eating, showers, bedtime." Then there are two weekend days. J had tried taking time for himself but when T started leaving work early and coming home when he was trying to get his time alone, so that was a problem. Then I told J one night when we were planning to be together that he could take that night for himself... and he proceeded to take the next 3 nights we had as well, every time saying that he had no choice because T wouldn't let him have his time alone. That ended when he and I woke one night in the very very early morning and I basically fell apart and was bawling my eyes out and telling him that it wasn't fair that he take away the little time he and I have because he won't stand up to T and tell her to stop invading his personal time and that if he wasn't willing to stand up to her, then he could give up the scheduled time with her but that I wasn't willing to continue this routine. (Again, I really haven't been that poly-perfect, I know it. *sigh*)
Anyway, I thought about things for a few days and made the decision that what I need to do, for myself, for my own sanity and well-being, is to move out. I thought about this long and hard, and tried to find reasons not to do it. T began making sudden and marked progress in handling the times that J and I were alone together, and even began speaking to me as if I were her friend instead of her adversary again. I decided to reserve judgement for a few more days and see how things went for my anniversary with J. I decided that the initial showing was promising, but I wasn't going to continue on with things as they'd been. I wanted to see if there was going to be ongoing respect or if T had picked up on the levels of discord and had decided to try to throw a bandaid on things. If, after her repeated invasions of the time J and I had, she persisted in that pattern for our anniversary, then I would be moving out. If the new pattern of her respecting our need for space and time continued, we'd all talk and see what more we could do to continue the new trend.
On the actual anniversary night, J and I were to eat dinner alone. T joined in and monopolized the conversation with J, so much so that I didn't even get to talk to him through the meal that I'd cooked him specifically at his request. She did give us a very thoughtful anniversary gift, which was wonderfully appreciated. Her card touched me the most. It was a beautiful card with a blank interior and in it she wrote that J and I had overcome many challenges and she hoped our anniversary was a true celebration for us both. On the facing side, she almost made me cry. After she and her ex separated, I shared my copy of Khalil Gibran's "The Prophet" with her. It was a book that has always helped me calm my mind and find peace, and as she'd said that was what she needed, I hoped it would help her. I also shared with her my favorite quote... and that was what she copied to the facing of the card. "Think not that you can direct the course of love, for love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course."
Afterwards though, was the dinner fiasco. I didn't, for the record, put all that on T. J could have said "Hey, this is a night I promised E we would share dinner alone." I tried to ask J if we were still going to have dinner alone and his response to me was that he looked at T, looked back to me and shrugged and sighed and mumbled an apology, saying that he couldn't do anything about her.
Once our anniversary meal together was utterly wrecked did she start to step back and let us have the rest of the evening together. I did note that when we left to go to our room, she smiled and kissed J lightly and excused herself. So, ok, I was willing to swallow that one. Change is hard, and whether it was a special night for us or not, she'd overcome her usual patterns (sitting in the middle of everything and demanding that J keep his focus on her, talking over me if I pushed to be a part of any conversation) when she did step back and left us alone without any stress for the remainder of the evening. Progress being progress, I was pleased with her attempts and decided to let go of the dinner being ruined, be happy that she thought of us enough that she got us a gift and to not overlook the value of the card and the obvious thought she'd put into it.
The following Saturday, J and I had planned a trip to go and do some photography together and spend the day out together and then follow it with dinner. I woke before T and J did, and when J woke he told T clearly that he needed to spend a couple of hours alone before he and I went out. (He'd spent the night before with her.) He went into our room and she began the usual pattern of invading every 15-20 minutes. Though this isn't the place to explain the why's and wherefore's, J needs a bit of time alone before going out for a full day. By the time T left for a dr appt, we were already at the time that we were to have been leaving and J was nowhere near being up to go out for the day. So, not thrilled, but accepting his needs, I waited. Then as we were about to get ready, T returns and again, knowing we were going out, starts drawing J into her room to talk to him. She's agitated and clearly unhappy, he's telling her over and over "I have to get ready to go." By the time we got out of the house, it was after 2. We had planned to leave at 10:30. We didn't have time to do the photography (and had missed the light for it anyway), no time to take the hike we'd wanted to take, nothing. We were both so frustrated at the morning that we sort of hung around, tried to cheer up, but by the time dinner came, it felt almost like wasted effort. We get home and she's right there as we came in the door, waiting for him.
I decided and the next day I told J that for now, this isn't working. We're not going to be able for all of us to live in the same house together right now. Given T's attempts, I can see it working out in the future, but not in the present, and I'm done feeling like I have to fend off T just to have time with J. I also recognized that T is probably also feeling my presence when she wants to have time with J. The reality is, living together like this means that neither of us ever gets an evening alone with him. Based on things she's said to me, and things he's told me she's said to him, this is a problem for her as well. But what to do? It's an apartment, not a house. We share meals. T doesn't know how to cook, I do, thus I am always present for meals. J and I share a room, which means that I don't really get any space for myself until he is in her room with her because if he's not with her, he's with me, or we're all together. We need more space, but I'm not willing to sign a lease on a larger/new place to live with things so unsteady for us all. The fact that J has expressed deep discontent in living here as well means I'm not seeing things. It really is tense and it's not truly improving in any lasting sense right now.
J's initial reaction was that he was going to break up with T if I moved out, that we'd have our own issues to resolve if I do, but that he was sure he and I would get through it, but he wasn't going to keep seeing her if we couldn't all live together. I told him a few days later that it wasn't fair of him to land the responsibility for their relationship continuing on me, that it was his choice, not mine, that would decide that. I reasserted that I don't mind that he's seeing T, but that this situation isn't working out and changes must be made. I also told him that if he didn't want to move with me, that was also fine. If he wants to return to his own place, or move in someplace else with T, that is also his decision to make and I'm not making choices for anyone but me right now. His response was, and still is, that he "can't possibly" live with T. It makes me want to smack him with a cast iron bat. If he "can't possibly" live with her, what's he doing here now!?? Right?
Anyway, he and I have talked much this week and he has calmed from the initial responses a great deal. He's recognizing that whether we like it or not, whether T will like it or not, this is not working. We need to make changes, individually, and as a group, and we're not going to do it here. J and I also need our space and time alone, and T just can't seem to let either of us have any time. Her invasion of J's time has expanded to invading the time I try to take for myself. (Example: it took me 5 hrs to get through MOST of a 1.5 hr movie last weekend. I finished watching it the next night that J was with her.)
As if I needed proof that this is the right choice, I ended up going to run an errand for J last week. The instant that it sunk in that I wasn't coming home right away, I felt this infusion of energy. I was excited about being out, excited about living, about where I was going, about things I was seeing... and all I was doing was visiting one of J's relatives who'd picked up a piece of mail that went to his house.
I came home so high on life that I stayed up almost two hours later than usual, and still didn't want to sleep. The next day at work, I was alert, calm, in complete control and feeling fully capable even though the day basically exploded on me 30 minutes in and didn't stop throwing more and more at me. A week ago, I'd have cracked. I'd have fallen apart and utterly lost any ability to accomplish anything. On that day though, I simply evaluated, prioritized and scheduled the work. Then I recruited the one client I knew would understand a hectic schedule and completed his project in stages while handling 2 TLC clients and 2 who were simply scheduled in the first place. The day ended and I had completed two projects, launched a 3rd, and finished the scheduled tasks for 2 without a single hitch. I felt strong, energetic and alive, even when I got home.
That's me with one evening to myself. That's me without having to wonder what the latest chaos at home will be. That's the me that my bosses hand special projects to because they know I'll get the job done. One evening.
So, I'm waiting until tomorrow to tell T that I'm moving out, and when. J asked for one peaceful day this weekend, and we neither one expect her to react well to the news. I'm rehearsing how to say this without a lot of placing blame and with a lot of reassurance that I do still want us to each be able to share a home in the future, that I'm going to live somewhere else, but I'm not leaving the family behind, and so on. It sounds so flimsy in my head, but all I can do is say it as clearly and gently as possible.
I'm torn. I don't truly *want* to do this, but I recognize the necessity of it. I don't want to hurt T, but I can't keep hurting myself by staying here when things are so painful for all of us. At the same time, I'm looking forward to it. I haven't had a place of my own in several years, and I'm looking forward to new dishes and cookware. I'm drooling over new sets of pots and pans and getting excited about cooking my first meal in them. I'm going to have space for my altar in the main part of my home again. I can bring my rats out of the bedroom and get them a larger cage without fear that T's dog will eat them while we're away. I can finally collect Betas again and have my wonderful wall of flashy fishies restored... without fear that T's cats will have a snack while we're away and I'll be left to clean up water. I can sing, dance, watch whatever movies I want to watch, and in general enjoy being alive again... without any concern that anyone else will be offended by my presence or my enjoyment of my life.
I just wish I didn't know that it was going to be hard for T to hear this. I wish that I didn't know that she's going to fall apart and I won't be able to give her the comfort of staying in the house. I know she calls J and I her family, and I hope she will be able to understand that we're still family, as long as she and J want to continue... and living apart won't change that for me at all.
Tomorrow will be a very stressful day. I think I'd better plan some time for myself at the end of it and take a walk or something.
T and J have both made clear that they don't really want or need to read the posts I make here, so I'm going to go ahead and post something that won't be coming out to T until tomorrow. Mostly I'm posting because I'm nervous about making the announcement, not about whether it's the right thing to do or not.
At the end of October, I will be moving out of our shared home and into someplace of my own. I actually already know the apartment complex I'll be moving into. I've already made a call and found out that yes, a one bedroom will be free, possibly a two bedroom. Either will be very affordable, and are rented with utilities included. (Except cable, of course, and that will suck to get connected, but such is life.)
Things here never really did smooth out. They started to and then T became suddenly caught up on a roller coaster of being ok with things, and then being ready to break up with J. Honestly, I know J isn't ready to admit this, but she's ready to break up with him when he doesn't do what she wants. It's a bit heart-breaking to see. I don't think she's a bad person, I think she's just lacking severely in any other examples of how to act. Also, she tends to still be highly reactive to he and I spending time together and drawing close to one another again. it's just, uncomfortable all around. I admit that I also haven't been the icon of poly-perfection through this.
The problems that J and I had even before T was involved sort of did what problems do in a poly environment; they erupted and took over every interaction between he and I for weeks until we were able to get some resolutions going. That we did get things resolved, and celebrated our 3rd anniversary at the start of this month was wonderful. I realized though, as he and I worked to resolve things, that we needed time alone, both together and separately. Everything was "group time." I pushed for the time alone, for myself first, and then for the time with J. Tensions in the household increased. Tensions increased to the point that after J and I had spent a wonderful evening together, we came home and he ended up staying with T for the night because she was suddenly certain that she was going to have to break up with him because being left behind was too much for her to handle. My response when J told me this was to become very unhappy about the entire thing, myself, and to begin complaining about how he and I can't even have a conversation alone, without banishing ourselves to our room because she can't bear to just leave us alone for a moment.
It just went on and on and on ... and finally during one of our conversations, J told me that he is also feeling overly stressed and unhappy living here. He was ready to move out, himself, and go back to his place; happy that he'd maintained it. I hadn't, at the time, thought of it from J's point of view, but basically, T and I both were feeling the lack of one-on-one time, and both had been after him to arrange the time. Here's where the real issue arises. We have evenings after work, which go something like "Home, store if needed, dinner prep, eating, showers, bedtime." Then there are two weekend days. J had tried taking time for himself but when T started leaving work early and coming home when he was trying to get his time alone, so that was a problem. Then I told J one night when we were planning to be together that he could take that night for himself... and he proceeded to take the next 3 nights we had as well, every time saying that he had no choice because T wouldn't let him have his time alone. That ended when he and I woke one night in the very very early morning and I basically fell apart and was bawling my eyes out and telling him that it wasn't fair that he take away the little time he and I have because he won't stand up to T and tell her to stop invading his personal time and that if he wasn't willing to stand up to her, then he could give up the scheduled time with her but that I wasn't willing to continue this routine. (Again, I really haven't been that poly-perfect, I know it. *sigh*)
Anyway, I thought about things for a few days and made the decision that what I need to do, for myself, for my own sanity and well-being, is to move out. I thought about this long and hard, and tried to find reasons not to do it. T began making sudden and marked progress in handling the times that J and I were alone together, and even began speaking to me as if I were her friend instead of her adversary again. I decided to reserve judgement for a few more days and see how things went for my anniversary with J. I decided that the initial showing was promising, but I wasn't going to continue on with things as they'd been. I wanted to see if there was going to be ongoing respect or if T had picked up on the levels of discord and had decided to try to throw a bandaid on things. If, after her repeated invasions of the time J and I had, she persisted in that pattern for our anniversary, then I would be moving out. If the new pattern of her respecting our need for space and time continued, we'd all talk and see what more we could do to continue the new trend.
On the actual anniversary night, J and I were to eat dinner alone. T joined in and monopolized the conversation with J, so much so that I didn't even get to talk to him through the meal that I'd cooked him specifically at his request. She did give us a very thoughtful anniversary gift, which was wonderfully appreciated. Her card touched me the most. It was a beautiful card with a blank interior and in it she wrote that J and I had overcome many challenges and she hoped our anniversary was a true celebration for us both. On the facing side, she almost made me cry. After she and her ex separated, I shared my copy of Khalil Gibran's "The Prophet" with her. It was a book that has always helped me calm my mind and find peace, and as she'd said that was what she needed, I hoped it would help her. I also shared with her my favorite quote... and that was what she copied to the facing of the card. "Think not that you can direct the course of love, for love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course."
Afterwards though, was the dinner fiasco. I didn't, for the record, put all that on T. J could have said "Hey, this is a night I promised E we would share dinner alone." I tried to ask J if we were still going to have dinner alone and his response to me was that he looked at T, looked back to me and shrugged and sighed and mumbled an apology, saying that he couldn't do anything about her.
Once our anniversary meal together was utterly wrecked did she start to step back and let us have the rest of the evening together. I did note that when we left to go to our room, she smiled and kissed J lightly and excused herself. So, ok, I was willing to swallow that one. Change is hard, and whether it was a special night for us or not, she'd overcome her usual patterns (sitting in the middle of everything and demanding that J keep his focus on her, talking over me if I pushed to be a part of any conversation) when she did step back and left us alone without any stress for the remainder of the evening. Progress being progress, I was pleased with her attempts and decided to let go of the dinner being ruined, be happy that she thought of us enough that she got us a gift and to not overlook the value of the card and the obvious thought she'd put into it.
The following Saturday, J and I had planned a trip to go and do some photography together and spend the day out together and then follow it with dinner. I woke before T and J did, and when J woke he told T clearly that he needed to spend a couple of hours alone before he and I went out. (He'd spent the night before with her.) He went into our room and she began the usual pattern of invading every 15-20 minutes. Though this isn't the place to explain the why's and wherefore's, J needs a bit of time alone before going out for a full day. By the time T left for a dr appt, we were already at the time that we were to have been leaving and J was nowhere near being up to go out for the day. So, not thrilled, but accepting his needs, I waited. Then as we were about to get ready, T returns and again, knowing we were going out, starts drawing J into her room to talk to him. She's agitated and clearly unhappy, he's telling her over and over "I have to get ready to go." By the time we got out of the house, it was after 2. We had planned to leave at 10:30. We didn't have time to do the photography (and had missed the light for it anyway), no time to take the hike we'd wanted to take, nothing. We were both so frustrated at the morning that we sort of hung around, tried to cheer up, but by the time dinner came, it felt almost like wasted effort. We get home and she's right there as we came in the door, waiting for him.
I decided and the next day I told J that for now, this isn't working. We're not going to be able for all of us to live in the same house together right now. Given T's attempts, I can see it working out in the future, but not in the present, and I'm done feeling like I have to fend off T just to have time with J. I also recognized that T is probably also feeling my presence when she wants to have time with J. The reality is, living together like this means that neither of us ever gets an evening alone with him. Based on things she's said to me, and things he's told me she's said to him, this is a problem for her as well. But what to do? It's an apartment, not a house. We share meals. T doesn't know how to cook, I do, thus I am always present for meals. J and I share a room, which means that I don't really get any space for myself until he is in her room with her because if he's not with her, he's with me, or we're all together. We need more space, but I'm not willing to sign a lease on a larger/new place to live with things so unsteady for us all. The fact that J has expressed deep discontent in living here as well means I'm not seeing things. It really is tense and it's not truly improving in any lasting sense right now.
J's initial reaction was that he was going to break up with T if I moved out, that we'd have our own issues to resolve if I do, but that he was sure he and I would get through it, but he wasn't going to keep seeing her if we couldn't all live together. I told him a few days later that it wasn't fair of him to land the responsibility for their relationship continuing on me, that it was his choice, not mine, that would decide that. I reasserted that I don't mind that he's seeing T, but that this situation isn't working out and changes must be made. I also told him that if he didn't want to move with me, that was also fine. If he wants to return to his own place, or move in someplace else with T, that is also his decision to make and I'm not making choices for anyone but me right now. His response was, and still is, that he "can't possibly" live with T. It makes me want to smack him with a cast iron bat. If he "can't possibly" live with her, what's he doing here now!?? Right?
Anyway, he and I have talked much this week and he has calmed from the initial responses a great deal. He's recognizing that whether we like it or not, whether T will like it or not, this is not working. We need to make changes, individually, and as a group, and we're not going to do it here. J and I also need our space and time alone, and T just can't seem to let either of us have any time. Her invasion of J's time has expanded to invading the time I try to take for myself. (Example: it took me 5 hrs to get through MOST of a 1.5 hr movie last weekend. I finished watching it the next night that J was with her.)
As if I needed proof that this is the right choice, I ended up going to run an errand for J last week. The instant that it sunk in that I wasn't coming home right away, I felt this infusion of energy. I was excited about being out, excited about living, about where I was going, about things I was seeing... and all I was doing was visiting one of J's relatives who'd picked up a piece of mail that went to his house.
I came home so high on life that I stayed up almost two hours later than usual, and still didn't want to sleep. The next day at work, I was alert, calm, in complete control and feeling fully capable even though the day basically exploded on me 30 minutes in and didn't stop throwing more and more at me. A week ago, I'd have cracked. I'd have fallen apart and utterly lost any ability to accomplish anything. On that day though, I simply evaluated, prioritized and scheduled the work. Then I recruited the one client I knew would understand a hectic schedule and completed his project in stages while handling 2 TLC clients and 2 who were simply scheduled in the first place. The day ended and I had completed two projects, launched a 3rd, and finished the scheduled tasks for 2 without a single hitch. I felt strong, energetic and alive, even when I got home.
That's me with one evening to myself. That's me without having to wonder what the latest chaos at home will be. That's the me that my bosses hand special projects to because they know I'll get the job done. One evening.
So, I'm waiting until tomorrow to tell T that I'm moving out, and when. J asked for one peaceful day this weekend, and we neither one expect her to react well to the news. I'm rehearsing how to say this without a lot of placing blame and with a lot of reassurance that I do still want us to each be able to share a home in the future, that I'm going to live somewhere else, but I'm not leaving the family behind, and so on. It sounds so flimsy in my head, but all I can do is say it as clearly and gently as possible.
I'm torn. I don't truly *want* to do this, but I recognize the necessity of it. I don't want to hurt T, but I can't keep hurting myself by staying here when things are so painful for all of us. At the same time, I'm looking forward to it. I haven't had a place of my own in several years, and I'm looking forward to new dishes and cookware. I'm drooling over new sets of pots and pans and getting excited about cooking my first meal in them. I'm going to have space for my altar in the main part of my home again. I can bring my rats out of the bedroom and get them a larger cage without fear that T's dog will eat them while we're away. I can finally collect Betas again and have my wonderful wall of flashy fishies restored... without fear that T's cats will have a snack while we're away and I'll be left to clean up water. I can sing, dance, watch whatever movies I want to watch, and in general enjoy being alive again... without any concern that anyone else will be offended by my presence or my enjoyment of my life.
I just wish I didn't know that it was going to be hard for T to hear this. I wish that I didn't know that she's going to fall apart and I won't be able to give her the comfort of staying in the house. I know she calls J and I her family, and I hope she will be able to understand that we're still family, as long as she and J want to continue... and living apart won't change that for me at all.
Tomorrow will be a very stressful day. I think I'd better plan some time for myself at the end of it and take a walk or something.