Sisterhood of the...
Traveling pants,right?
No, apparently not.
I was talking with Nw and K this morning and I was telling K about Cw's frustration with Nw last night. Cw was teasing me, quite mercilessly I might add, and Cw started helping me with the defense against tormenting. Cw says, "Babe! You're not supposed to help her!" It makes us giggle, he's so cute and looks so (playfully) betrayed. I commented that he often says he doesn't like this "sisterhood" thing between Nw and I.
Out of nowhere, Nw laughs and says, "Yeah, The Sisterhood of the Traveling Penis!"
I completely cracked up.
Yes, things are good at home. Cw isn't the only one commenting on how nice things are and how well everything is going anymore. Nw has begun to comment similarly. Last night she came home from visiting her sister and new nephew with her mother and said that her mother has been full of good things to say about how happy we all seem and how much calmer Cw is now. Nw said that it's very true, that Cw used to be a very tense and anxious person, and that since I came into their lives, he's had a change that I wouldn't notice, not having seen him before, but that he's a much calmer person now.
It's not the first time that I've been told I have a calming effect on people. I'm glad that I do. It's nice to hear it, too, and to be appreciated for it. I don't know what it is that I do, in particular, that calms people around me. I'm not always the calmest person myself, and internally things are usually pretty noisy unless I focus them into silence, so to me it's almost a contradiction to know that I calm others. It's a nice thing to know though, that I seem to have that calming influence. The world is full of chaos and if I can just be around and bring people to a calmer place, even for a little while, then I think that's a good thing.
The job hunt has been successful. I start my new job on the 28th. Cw and Nw have both been amazing through the entire process. I held it together through the wait for the background check, backed with their assurances that it'd be fine and that if I didn't get the job, I'd get another one.
Now I'm doing this thing of having a little voice in the back of my head that is trying desperately to warn me away from going through with it. Well, it's too late, I turned in my official notice and my last day is next Thursday, so what that voice hopes to accomplish is a bit beyond me. I hear it though. Whispering at times, screaming at others, that this is a mistake, I'm going to regret it terribly, that the new job won't work out and I'll be jobless.
It doesn't seem to have a lot of power, though hearing those things in my thoughts repeatedly does take a toll. Again, Cw and Nw are fantastic about it. They understand without me having to explain, these thoughts come from my past, from people who've spoken restriction to me, from experiences that left their marks. I can say "This is what this recording in my mind is saying and it's leaving me feeling a bit stressed." Their responses are just simple acknowledgement of the fact that having that happen sucks.
I'm not treated like I'm broken or need to be fixed or saved. I'm allowed to handle it on my own and to just know that they understand how those things can be.
When I say that I am treated like a genuine, whole person, this is exactly the sort of thing I mean. It's a fantastic feeling.
I'm excited about the new job. It's a call center again. I know I always say I'll never go back to them and I hate them, but I'm going in with a different outlook this time.
This time I'm not going because I have to. I chose this particular company and this particular position. I did it because when I look at my resume, I have a string of awards for performance and progress forward towards management every time I work in a call center. I did it because I checked the company out and the benefits are what I need, including tuition reimbursement, to put myself forward on a career track. I did it because I was tired of not being appreciated for what I do and because I don't want to be like others in my current office who work the same job for 7+ yrs with no chance or hope of advancement.
I have no question that I'll take a month or two to settle in and then be up and running and moving steadily towards management. I have no question that I'll not only excel but be rewarded with recognition for my achievements and with bonuses that come from my achievements. I have no question that I've made the right choice for myself.
I do still think of J pretty often. It's not as painful now. It's more of a state of knowing I still love him and miss him, and a sort of sad reminiscence. The aching and crying myself to sleep, or crying myself awake have almost stopped since I did the ritual with planting a seed. I did as was suggested and planted it and whispered over it that it should rest until the day that it is possible for he and I to be together and be happy, in whatever life or whatever world that occurs. Since then, I've felt so much more at peace about the whole thing. I still feel like I might cry sometimes when I first go to bed. I still wake sometimes and sigh sadly that I won't be talking to him that day. It's just getting easier and less brutally painful.
Oddly enough, I'm noticing that the process of changing jobs began right after that, almost as if leaving this job is the last part of leaving that stage of my life behind. Perhaps coincidence, but still, an odd one to be sure.
K is also doing well. She's just finished her first week in her new job. I ended up getting her a bike with nice bright lights to put on it and a good helmet because she's working this horrible late shift and gets out of work after the busses stop running. She seems to be enjoying herself and making friends, as I promised she would when she started working.
We're going to look at an apartment today. I've been consistently restating that she will be getting her own place. It has taken some doing, but she's finally taking over that process and has picked out one she is interested in moving into. She's asked me to go with her and look it over. I'll have to be pretty careful about what I say and do while we're there. If she feels I'm pushing her into it she'll rebel and we'll start all over again.
Yes, evil mommy that I am, I want her to move out. I love my daughter but omg she's a very large and very loud presence. At the risk of sounding like I need a walker, I'm too old to handle that much energy at that high a level all the time. If she takes this apartment, she'll be a few minutes away from me and closer to her job. It sounds, on the surface, like a decent place and a good choice of location.
It's almost odd to look at how happy my life is now. It's strange to see everything so good. Sometimes I'm a little nervous, waiting for the other shoe to drop. Sometimes I feel patently insecure in the face of all the security and peace, like anything could come and shatter it all for me. The fears are easier to face every day though, and far less powerful than they've been in the past. I think the worst way they surface is that sometimes when Cw teases me, it strikes exactly the wrong way and wakes all the insecurities to begin shouting at me again. I haven't said anything to him about it, though I think I should. I'm not sure how to bring it up. I know he sees the reaction, but I'd like him to be able to understand it, too. He has his own insecurities that pop up, though, and it's almost comedic that his insecurities and mine are exactly poised to trigger the same reaction in the other. We talked about it a little last night while we were out, that suddenly having all this security has brought up the old issues, as if they were waiting for us to be in a place where we could handle them. (sarcasm) Yay for the workings of the human brain! (/sarcasm)
Much to get done today. In addition to internal battles, preparing to change jobs, relationship maintenance, and so on... I have a house that is desperate for a serious cleaning. I'm completely embarrassed by it. I'm embarrassed to have ME see it! bleh. And so, off to scour and scrub and mop and vacuum.
No, apparently not.
I was talking with Nw and K this morning and I was telling K about Cw's frustration with Nw last night. Cw was teasing me, quite mercilessly I might add, and Cw started helping me with the defense against tormenting. Cw says, "Babe! You're not supposed to help her!" It makes us giggle, he's so cute and looks so (playfully) betrayed. I commented that he often says he doesn't like this "sisterhood" thing between Nw and I.
Out of nowhere, Nw laughs and says, "Yeah, The Sisterhood of the Traveling Penis!"
I completely cracked up.
Yes, things are good at home. Cw isn't the only one commenting on how nice things are and how well everything is going anymore. Nw has begun to comment similarly. Last night she came home from visiting her sister and new nephew with her mother and said that her mother has been full of good things to say about how happy we all seem and how much calmer Cw is now. Nw said that it's very true, that Cw used to be a very tense and anxious person, and that since I came into their lives, he's had a change that I wouldn't notice, not having seen him before, but that he's a much calmer person now.
It's not the first time that I've been told I have a calming effect on people. I'm glad that I do. It's nice to hear it, too, and to be appreciated for it. I don't know what it is that I do, in particular, that calms people around me. I'm not always the calmest person myself, and internally things are usually pretty noisy unless I focus them into silence, so to me it's almost a contradiction to know that I calm others. It's a nice thing to know though, that I seem to have that calming influence. The world is full of chaos and if I can just be around and bring people to a calmer place, even for a little while, then I think that's a good thing.
The job hunt has been successful. I start my new job on the 28th. Cw and Nw have both been amazing through the entire process. I held it together through the wait for the background check, backed with their assurances that it'd be fine and that if I didn't get the job, I'd get another one.
Now I'm doing this thing of having a little voice in the back of my head that is trying desperately to warn me away from going through with it. Well, it's too late, I turned in my official notice and my last day is next Thursday, so what that voice hopes to accomplish is a bit beyond me. I hear it though. Whispering at times, screaming at others, that this is a mistake, I'm going to regret it terribly, that the new job won't work out and I'll be jobless.
It doesn't seem to have a lot of power, though hearing those things in my thoughts repeatedly does take a toll. Again, Cw and Nw are fantastic about it. They understand without me having to explain, these thoughts come from my past, from people who've spoken restriction to me, from experiences that left their marks. I can say "This is what this recording in my mind is saying and it's leaving me feeling a bit stressed." Their responses are just simple acknowledgement of the fact that having that happen sucks.
I'm not treated like I'm broken or need to be fixed or saved. I'm allowed to handle it on my own and to just know that they understand how those things can be.
When I say that I am treated like a genuine, whole person, this is exactly the sort of thing I mean. It's a fantastic feeling.
I'm excited about the new job. It's a call center again. I know I always say I'll never go back to them and I hate them, but I'm going in with a different outlook this time.
This time I'm not going because I have to. I chose this particular company and this particular position. I did it because when I look at my resume, I have a string of awards for performance and progress forward towards management every time I work in a call center. I did it because I checked the company out and the benefits are what I need, including tuition reimbursement, to put myself forward on a career track. I did it because I was tired of not being appreciated for what I do and because I don't want to be like others in my current office who work the same job for 7+ yrs with no chance or hope of advancement.
I have no question that I'll take a month or two to settle in and then be up and running and moving steadily towards management. I have no question that I'll not only excel but be rewarded with recognition for my achievements and with bonuses that come from my achievements. I have no question that I've made the right choice for myself.
I do still think of J pretty often. It's not as painful now. It's more of a state of knowing I still love him and miss him, and a sort of sad reminiscence. The aching and crying myself to sleep, or crying myself awake have almost stopped since I did the ritual with planting a seed. I did as was suggested and planted it and whispered over it that it should rest until the day that it is possible for he and I to be together and be happy, in whatever life or whatever world that occurs. Since then, I've felt so much more at peace about the whole thing. I still feel like I might cry sometimes when I first go to bed. I still wake sometimes and sigh sadly that I won't be talking to him that day. It's just getting easier and less brutally painful.
Oddly enough, I'm noticing that the process of changing jobs began right after that, almost as if leaving this job is the last part of leaving that stage of my life behind. Perhaps coincidence, but still, an odd one to be sure.
K is also doing well. She's just finished her first week in her new job. I ended up getting her a bike with nice bright lights to put on it and a good helmet because she's working this horrible late shift and gets out of work after the busses stop running. She seems to be enjoying herself and making friends, as I promised she would when she started working.
We're going to look at an apartment today. I've been consistently restating that she will be getting her own place. It has taken some doing, but she's finally taking over that process and has picked out one she is interested in moving into. She's asked me to go with her and look it over. I'll have to be pretty careful about what I say and do while we're there. If she feels I'm pushing her into it she'll rebel and we'll start all over again.
Yes, evil mommy that I am, I want her to move out. I love my daughter but omg she's a very large and very loud presence. At the risk of sounding like I need a walker, I'm too old to handle that much energy at that high a level all the time. If she takes this apartment, she'll be a few minutes away from me and closer to her job. It sounds, on the surface, like a decent place and a good choice of location.
It's almost odd to look at how happy my life is now. It's strange to see everything so good. Sometimes I'm a little nervous, waiting for the other shoe to drop. Sometimes I feel patently insecure in the face of all the security and peace, like anything could come and shatter it all for me. The fears are easier to face every day though, and far less powerful than they've been in the past. I think the worst way they surface is that sometimes when Cw teases me, it strikes exactly the wrong way and wakes all the insecurities to begin shouting at me again. I haven't said anything to him about it, though I think I should. I'm not sure how to bring it up. I know he sees the reaction, but I'd like him to be able to understand it, too. He has his own insecurities that pop up, though, and it's almost comedic that his insecurities and mine are exactly poised to trigger the same reaction in the other. We talked about it a little last night while we were out, that suddenly having all this security has brought up the old issues, as if they were waiting for us to be in a place where we could handle them. (sarcasm) Yay for the workings of the human brain! (/sarcasm)
Much to get done today. In addition to internal battles, preparing to change jobs, relationship maintenance, and so on... I have a house that is desperate for a serious cleaning. I'm completely embarrassed by it. I'm embarrassed to have ME see it! bleh. And so, off to scour and scrub and mop and vacuum.