Another random update
So, I'm not fired. In fact, not one word has been mentioned to me. Interesting. It really is difficult to get fired from this place. Good to know. Not that I intend to test those limits!
In other fronts, I got sick, again. It's been about a year now, and I get sick every few weeks. I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired. So, as physically the doctors can't find anything wrong with me at all, it's time to look inward.
Keep in mind, I am a shaman. To deny the reality of the interaction of spirit, mind, heart and body, is to deny all. So, if my body is fine, and stresses of work aren't even affecting me enough to make my blood pressure rise, then the issue must rest in either spirit or heart, or a combination of the two. Time to get out the magic.
I have an advantage right now. I have people to work with.
Yes, yes, "physician heal thyself" and all that nonsense. The problem with healing yourself through energy or journey work is that you are carrying the energy that is causing the illness to manifest. Trying to work while keeping that energy isolated is difficult. Diagnosing that energy clearly is also difficult because no one can be truly impartial when looking at themselves.
So, I drafted my daughter, who in turn drafted my student, R. They began doing some research and scrying. They found two sources of the recurring illnesses. One source is J, the other is work.
Fair enough. I've felt for some time I wasn't fully "over" J. I've wondered if I ever will be. I still dream of him. There hasn't been a day passing that I haven't thought of him and missed him at some point. My life has moved on, and become wonderful in every way. Cw is a fantastic man, a gentle, kind, caring, generous spirit, an amazing lover, and a heart-melting totality. I have a family in my home, and I'm happy to have them all here, though I think a larger home would be better!
J and I are soulmates though. That is no degradation of what I've found with Cw, or of my life as it is now. It is a statement of fact. I could easily describe at great length all the things that demonstrate the truth of that bond with J though. I've done ritual after ritual, act after act, to try to sever that bond. The commonality is that when I try, I become ill. The more insistent the attempt, the more ill I become.
So there is a dilemma. How do I sever a tie that affects me that deeply without literally killing myself, or doing myself lasting harm?
The three of us started doing research this past few days. I kept finding lots of information about healing herbs and stones, information about recovering from loss, and about coping with grief. There was nothing about separating from a soulmate.
I spoke with a former student this morning though, and asked her for her feedback on the situation. Her thoughts have struck a chord in me and I think she may have had the right of it. With some research and thought, I'll make a decision whether we're going to work up a banishing or work on the idea she had.
Her idea was that as severing the bond is damaging my health and causing deeper issues for me, perhaps that's the wrong way to go. Obviously, J and I can't be together in this life. He has chosen paths that I will not walk down, not even for the immense love I still carry for him. So, rather than sever the bond, plant a seed with the clear intent that this is not a planted seed for this life, but a seed to grow in another life, where if and only when things are such that we can actually be together, will that seed bear fruit.
There's a wisdom in this approach, on many levels. There is an honoring and acceptance of the bond between he and I, which my attempts to sever that tie have not given. There is an acceptance that the bond is greater than I, and greater than time. There is an acceptance of the love I still feel for him. There is a space for the bond to thrive in another space and time, recognizing that this lifetime does not have the space for it to grow in a healthy way and not expecting, hoping, or wishing for it to do so. The bond remains, and I can continue on in this life, as can he, on our chosen paths.
I'll have much to think on as I continue the research on this. Gods know I've tried many other courses and had no success. I think the worst illness came on me after I dumped the box of things into the river. I was down for two full weeks and almost ended up in the hospital because the antibiotics weren't working. The healing has been dicey at best, seeming to heal briefly and then relapsing. The evidence is presented clearly that breaking or choking off that bond will lead to no good for me. The continued attempts, I am fairly concerned, could destroy my health, or perhaps have the power to end my life.
The soul is a strange beast, and the heart that is a part of that soul as well. People seek so fervently for their soulmate. I wonder if they would really seek that if they knew just how wrong that can go. I wonder if they knew that if you lose your soulmate, you may love again, but it won't ever really be the love you had, and that if you are honest, loves that come after that one don't go as deep and aren't as vivid? Yet, had I known, I'd have taken it anyway. The price of having that love is worth the world without it, it's an experience that cannot be compared to any other. Such things are treasures and rarities in this world of blandness.
I'll think on this much as I continue to do the research. I think that with a full practicing group, I could probably sever the tie and survive, and heal. Without that added power, without the healing energies of a group effort, I'm honestly a bit hesitant to try again. This other course may be the one that is meant for me in this life.
In other fronts, I got sick, again. It's been about a year now, and I get sick every few weeks. I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired. So, as physically the doctors can't find anything wrong with me at all, it's time to look inward.
Keep in mind, I am a shaman. To deny the reality of the interaction of spirit, mind, heart and body, is to deny all. So, if my body is fine, and stresses of work aren't even affecting me enough to make my blood pressure rise, then the issue must rest in either spirit or heart, or a combination of the two. Time to get out the magic.
I have an advantage right now. I have people to work with.
Yes, yes, "physician heal thyself" and all that nonsense. The problem with healing yourself through energy or journey work is that you are carrying the energy that is causing the illness to manifest. Trying to work while keeping that energy isolated is difficult. Diagnosing that energy clearly is also difficult because no one can be truly impartial when looking at themselves.
So, I drafted my daughter, who in turn drafted my student, R. They began doing some research and scrying. They found two sources of the recurring illnesses. One source is J, the other is work.
Fair enough. I've felt for some time I wasn't fully "over" J. I've wondered if I ever will be. I still dream of him. There hasn't been a day passing that I haven't thought of him and missed him at some point. My life has moved on, and become wonderful in every way. Cw is a fantastic man, a gentle, kind, caring, generous spirit, an amazing lover, and a heart-melting totality. I have a family in my home, and I'm happy to have them all here, though I think a larger home would be better!
J and I are soulmates though. That is no degradation of what I've found with Cw, or of my life as it is now. It is a statement of fact. I could easily describe at great length all the things that demonstrate the truth of that bond with J though. I've done ritual after ritual, act after act, to try to sever that bond. The commonality is that when I try, I become ill. The more insistent the attempt, the more ill I become.
So there is a dilemma. How do I sever a tie that affects me that deeply without literally killing myself, or doing myself lasting harm?
The three of us started doing research this past few days. I kept finding lots of information about healing herbs and stones, information about recovering from loss, and about coping with grief. There was nothing about separating from a soulmate.
I spoke with a former student this morning though, and asked her for her feedback on the situation. Her thoughts have struck a chord in me and I think she may have had the right of it. With some research and thought, I'll make a decision whether we're going to work up a banishing or work on the idea she had.
Her idea was that as severing the bond is damaging my health and causing deeper issues for me, perhaps that's the wrong way to go. Obviously, J and I can't be together in this life. He has chosen paths that I will not walk down, not even for the immense love I still carry for him. So, rather than sever the bond, plant a seed with the clear intent that this is not a planted seed for this life, but a seed to grow in another life, where if and only when things are such that we can actually be together, will that seed bear fruit.
There's a wisdom in this approach, on many levels. There is an honoring and acceptance of the bond between he and I, which my attempts to sever that tie have not given. There is an acceptance that the bond is greater than I, and greater than time. There is an acceptance of the love I still feel for him. There is a space for the bond to thrive in another space and time, recognizing that this lifetime does not have the space for it to grow in a healthy way and not expecting, hoping, or wishing for it to do so. The bond remains, and I can continue on in this life, as can he, on our chosen paths.
I'll have much to think on as I continue the research on this. Gods know I've tried many other courses and had no success. I think the worst illness came on me after I dumped the box of things into the river. I was down for two full weeks and almost ended up in the hospital because the antibiotics weren't working. The healing has been dicey at best, seeming to heal briefly and then relapsing. The evidence is presented clearly that breaking or choking off that bond will lead to no good for me. The continued attempts, I am fairly concerned, could destroy my health, or perhaps have the power to end my life.
The soul is a strange beast, and the heart that is a part of that soul as well. People seek so fervently for their soulmate. I wonder if they would really seek that if they knew just how wrong that can go. I wonder if they knew that if you lose your soulmate, you may love again, but it won't ever really be the love you had, and that if you are honest, loves that come after that one don't go as deep and aren't as vivid? Yet, had I known, I'd have taken it anyway. The price of having that love is worth the world without it, it's an experience that cannot be compared to any other. Such things are treasures and rarities in this world of blandness.
I'll think on this much as I continue to do the research. I think that with a full practicing group, I could probably sever the tie and survive, and heal. Without that added power, without the healing energies of a group effort, I'm honestly a bit hesitant to try again. This other course may be the one that is meant for me in this life.