How to handle the challenges of being a secondary
What a perfect followup, hm? Yes, well, if only it weren't based on current events?
Things with Cw and Nw living with me are going wonderfully, I think. Nw came out to her family and I met her parents over the weekend. (You know you're poly when you meet your boyfriend's in-laws?) They were very supportive and seem like sweet people.
A while back, I made a post and mentioned that I was experiencing some NRE. NRE for me tends to be a LOT of thinking about the other person. I think about their eyes, their hands, their hair, their voice, replay everything they said about 500 times a day in my head, and obsessively count down to when I'll see them again. I also have this hyper-romantic 13 yr old inside. Yes, this is the same one who engages in the embarrassing squee-fests. She likes to think of "someday." "Maybe someday we'll...." In this case the maybe somedays were all of us living together, permanently, Cw maybe someday wanting to collar me, me and Cw having some sort of ceremony for our relationship, and many many more things. That 13 yr old has been getting her head kicked in pretty thoroughly the past couple of weeks.
Nw stated, before they moved in, this was ONLY temporary and would not EVER be permanent. That has been harder and harder to face down because the more they're there, the more I want them there. To me, this feels like "Of course we're living together, they should have been here in the first place."
Saturday morning, Cw stated that Nw has told him that she will not accept him collaring me if we're living together.
Yesterday, while trying to tell me that he feels more for me than what he associates with the term "girlfriend" Cw popped off with a comment about how we are never going to have some fru-fru pagan wedding sort of thing.
The inner 13 yr old is handling all this by looking at it and saying "They're going to move out. They're never going to have a home where I can be. I will never have a lifetime commitment, or any commitment ceremony that means so much to me. I'm not going to be anything but the girl that was good enough to live with when there was no other option, and the one he makes time for when he can. I'm going to go back to going home to an empty house and waiting to know when or if I won't be alone. I won't have anything tangible in this relationship. Anything I could dream of or want is already denied so strongly there's no point in hoping for anything to change." Tears are optional, but have been present at those times.
Yep, feeling everything that is the reason why so many people say primary/secondary models fail. Feeling everything that people fear feeling when they say they will avoid secondary positions forever.
So why stay? And better yet, how the hells does someone stay and NOT feel like that?
Now, I admit, I'm still working through a lot of it. It really didn't hit until Saturday and then kinda got rubbed in last night. It's taking a little work to sort out the feelings and not feel that way.
So, first up, Let's engage some rational thought.
1) Quell the horror and the dramatic response and the desolation and all that. Those hyper-emotions are ever so very rarely tied to reality and speak way more of fears and old hurts.
2) Remember where things started, how far they've progressed already, without any plan to them.
3) Cw loves me. Nw just came out to her family. Feeling like I'm going to be left in a cold dark room all alone forever is a tad over-reactionary, hm? They just aren't going to do that. If they were the people who COULD do that, I wouldn't be here in the first place.
4) Someday is a couple of years away, so far as I was thinking. Stop acting like it has to be settled today. It doesn't. Leave things alone, let them grow as they will.
Next up, Start by remembering the things that were told and stated clearly at the outset.
1) Nw doesn't like living with other people.
2) Cw doesn't believe in making a "wife" of more than one other woman.
These are simple things, but parts of who they are as people. Accepting those ideas, along with a lot of other things about each of them, made this possible in the first place. Trying to act like those things never happened, now, isn't going to do anyone any good. Ignoring those things will lead to getting hurt.. and no one to blame but myself there. They've been honest, and my daydreams took off without paying respect to who I am with.
Third round, Let's get some positive thinking going about all this.
1) I am loved
2) I am accepted and welcome
3) I am not going to be abandoned
4) My wants and needs are important, even if the answer is no, or "no, not like that" or "no, not right now."
5) They each treat me with respect, caring and consideration.
6) I am happy, and have been happy, and will continue to be happy if I make sure not to let myself get all wrapped up in daydreams that don't fit with where I am. Wanting what is not is the first step to discontent. Wanting what you have is the first step to happiness and peace.
And this, ladies and gentlemen, is how you can be a secondary, and be happy and content in it. True, I'm still feeling the sting right now, but I'm working through it. That's a big part of any poly relationship, whether you believe in calling things primary and secondary or pumpkin and grape. You have to face down the inner demons. You have to own your own shit. It really sucks to own your own shit sometimes. Sometimes it hurts, alot. The rewards are worth it though. Facing down your demons and dealing with your own shit leads to personal growth... and that isn't a fun process always, but it's always worthwhile.
Things with Cw and Nw living with me are going wonderfully, I think. Nw came out to her family and I met her parents over the weekend. (You know you're poly when you meet your boyfriend's in-laws?) They were very supportive and seem like sweet people.
A while back, I made a post and mentioned that I was experiencing some NRE. NRE for me tends to be a LOT of thinking about the other person. I think about their eyes, their hands, their hair, their voice, replay everything they said about 500 times a day in my head, and obsessively count down to when I'll see them again. I also have this hyper-romantic 13 yr old inside. Yes, this is the same one who engages in the embarrassing squee-fests. She likes to think of "someday." "Maybe someday we'll...." In this case the maybe somedays were all of us living together, permanently, Cw maybe someday wanting to collar me, me and Cw having some sort of ceremony for our relationship, and many many more things. That 13 yr old has been getting her head kicked in pretty thoroughly the past couple of weeks.
Nw stated, before they moved in, this was ONLY temporary and would not EVER be permanent. That has been harder and harder to face down because the more they're there, the more I want them there. To me, this feels like "Of course we're living together, they should have been here in the first place."
Saturday morning, Cw stated that Nw has told him that she will not accept him collaring me if we're living together.
Yesterday, while trying to tell me that he feels more for me than what he associates with the term "girlfriend" Cw popped off with a comment about how we are never going to have some fru-fru pagan wedding sort of thing.
The inner 13 yr old is handling all this by looking at it and saying "They're going to move out. They're never going to have a home where I can be. I will never have a lifetime commitment, or any commitment ceremony that means so much to me. I'm not going to be anything but the girl that was good enough to live with when there was no other option, and the one he makes time for when he can. I'm going to go back to going home to an empty house and waiting to know when or if I won't be alone. I won't have anything tangible in this relationship. Anything I could dream of or want is already denied so strongly there's no point in hoping for anything to change." Tears are optional, but have been present at those times.
Yep, feeling everything that is the reason why so many people say primary/secondary models fail. Feeling everything that people fear feeling when they say they will avoid secondary positions forever.
So why stay? And better yet, how the hells does someone stay and NOT feel like that?
Now, I admit, I'm still working through a lot of it. It really didn't hit until Saturday and then kinda got rubbed in last night. It's taking a little work to sort out the feelings and not feel that way.
So, first up, Let's engage some rational thought.
1) Quell the horror and the dramatic response and the desolation and all that. Those hyper-emotions are ever so very rarely tied to reality and speak way more of fears and old hurts.
2) Remember where things started, how far they've progressed already, without any plan to them.
3) Cw loves me. Nw just came out to her family. Feeling like I'm going to be left in a cold dark room all alone forever is a tad over-reactionary, hm? They just aren't going to do that. If they were the people who COULD do that, I wouldn't be here in the first place.
4) Someday is a couple of years away, so far as I was thinking. Stop acting like it has to be settled today. It doesn't. Leave things alone, let them grow as they will.
Next up, Start by remembering the things that were told and stated clearly at the outset.
1) Nw doesn't like living with other people.
2) Cw doesn't believe in making a "wife" of more than one other woman.
These are simple things, but parts of who they are as people. Accepting those ideas, along with a lot of other things about each of them, made this possible in the first place. Trying to act like those things never happened, now, isn't going to do anyone any good. Ignoring those things will lead to getting hurt.. and no one to blame but myself there. They've been honest, and my daydreams took off without paying respect to who I am with.
Third round, Let's get some positive thinking going about all this.
1) I am loved
2) I am accepted and welcome
3) I am not going to be abandoned
4) My wants and needs are important, even if the answer is no, or "no, not like that" or "no, not right now."
5) They each treat me with respect, caring and consideration.
6) I am happy, and have been happy, and will continue to be happy if I make sure not to let myself get all wrapped up in daydreams that don't fit with where I am. Wanting what is not is the first step to discontent. Wanting what you have is the first step to happiness and peace.
And this, ladies and gentlemen, is how you can be a secondary, and be happy and content in it. True, I'm still feeling the sting right now, but I'm working through it. That's a big part of any poly relationship, whether you believe in calling things primary and secondary or pumpkin and grape. You have to face down the inner demons. You have to own your own shit. It really sucks to own your own shit sometimes. Sometimes it hurts, alot. The rewards are worth it though. Facing down your demons and dealing with your own shit leads to personal growth... and that isn't a fun process always, but it's always worthwhile.