(no subject)
"She must be so happy." My mum said with a nostalgic smile when I told her that Gully's sister had had a baby girl.
It was then that I realised.
My mum and I used to argue a lot. So thoughtlessly and selfishly, I blamed myself for ruining her life. I always thought that my birth had made the circumstances in her life that much more difficult. This gave me the ultimate excuse to be a victim, to make myself feel important, to justify my depression instead of trying to make it better.
I never thought, for once, that during a time when her life was harder than I will ever be able to imagine, I may have been her only friend. That my birth may have given her something to live for.
And for the first time now I see that every single argument we have had is not because, as I thought, she thinks that I am worthless, but because she thinks that I am worthwhile. More so than anybody else in the world could ever think.
I feel so ashamed of my stupidity, ignorance and selfishness.
It was then that I realised.
My mum and I used to argue a lot. So thoughtlessly and selfishly, I blamed myself for ruining her life. I always thought that my birth had made the circumstances in her life that much more difficult. This gave me the ultimate excuse to be a victim, to make myself feel important, to justify my depression instead of trying to make it better.
I never thought, for once, that during a time when her life was harder than I will ever be able to imagine, I may have been her only friend. That my birth may have given her something to live for.
And for the first time now I see that every single argument we have had is not because, as I thought, she thinks that I am worthless, but because she thinks that I am worthwhile. More so than anybody else in the world could ever think.
I feel so ashamed of my stupidity, ignorance and selfishness.