(no subject)
September 6th, 2004
Have you ever felt like you were doing something wrong? I mean, not terrible wrong, like murder, but just stupidly, blindly? But in a world that sees you as young and wants you to learn from your experiences, no one tells you so… that or they’re all laughing at you behind your back. They say how you have such potential, how smart you are… I think “bright” was the word I liked the best. It always seemed like two compliments in one; you’re intelligent and it emanates from you, making you beautiful. Because we all know that being good looking will get you far, if you’re truly willing to exploit it. Ever wonder why beautiful people never think they are? It’s the layer of metaphoric dirt that has been washed over their perspective of self-image. When you capitalize upon your beauty, knowingly (and eventually you will figure it out) suddenly you’re not as beautiful; tainted if you will. It may take years, or just one time. You may be a fashion model or just a sweet girl with a pretty face and a cute butt. That’s probably the mystery of it all… “You’ve got so much going for you.” “You’re so smart, so pretty, so bright.”
Well, you know what? Sometimes I don’t feel so bright. All the things I’ve washed over myself trying to get rid of my tint has been just that, a wash… for the public to view and for me to see through, cloudy as it may be. I’m not a leader, am I? Maybe I was at some time, part of my bravado, my persona out there, trying to maintain the balance of it all. I want to be all these things that people tell me I am or I was. It seems that only my faults are the traits that have truly stuck with me through all my “life transitions”. Ha, transitions; if you can call the past 22 years that. I hate to feel so cliché in this rant, but maybe its not. Maybe I’m the only one who has felt this way… maybe I’m the only one to have all my particular experiences and negating factors in this configuration that composes me. Which means that I’m the only one who can really sort it all out. I find myself saying “only if” far to often these days… “only if I hadn’t fucked around” “only if I wasn’t sluting around on my boyfriends” “only if I wasn’t a liar” “only if I could get my shit together” “only if I could pay off my debts” THEN I’D BE HAPPY…
And I know that I have the power to change all of this… well, not the past but perhaps my present a little… what the hell am I so scared of? I couldn’t possibly embarrass myself any more than I already have. I have managed to break down my nice little world around me. Its not a surprise really, I suppose I set myself into this motion. Anything built on lies has to come crashing down sometime, right? And I suppose its really a domino effect in my life right now. But where to begin picking up the pieces? I mean really… it’s almost at square one right now. I know I need to swallow my pride. That’s for damn sure… I am so conflicted with thinking that I’m better than people… or not (see the problem). Always thinking that I’m too good for something. And that’s true I suppose of certain things, like this job situation I’m in right now. Which is closely linked to the money thing (you’ll see a trend here). Friendship is a shaky issue… maybe it needs to stem from the job thing… or perhaps its linked to the school thing, which is so very closely associated with the sorority thing… which is sort of kind of indirectly linked to the boyfriend thing… which is a whole issue in itself. I mean they’re all factors of my life that are not in they’re greatest shape right now… although my family has its fucked up parts too… so if you really wanted to look at the whole pile of broken pieces that is my life right now… everything has its downs. Where to begin? Well, the job thing is simple…I need one… need to swallow my pride and just get that paycheck…its not permanent. That leads with the school thing… I can’t change what the situation is, its simple that way. So I need to make the best of it… work hard at the job to get the money aspect of school taken care of and begin to work to finish. Because in finishing so many other things get to start to get better. The job thing for one (see told you it wasn’t permanent). And some of the money things get to go away. I’m sure by then the friendship things may develop or at least evolve. And the sorority thing… well that’s pride and time… pride because I need to understand that that group evolves so fast that I’m really not as important as I’d like to think I am and time because in a semester, no one is even going to know my name. Which leads to the boyfriend thing. I wonder if he understands how much I want to make him proud of me… to impress him the way I did when we met, but to impress him with things that are truly me, and not just that wash over beauty. I want him to look at me the way he used to… I want him to want to be with me because he thinks I’m an amazing woman and he can’t imagine finding someone better than me… not just because he feels he needs to settle for someone with a pretty face and cute butt… because, honey, looks fade. I want to be so much for him. And part of that annoys me… because I should want to do it for myself… and I do… but I guess, well I’d like to think of me as part of an “us” and I’d like to be part of that “us” for the rest of my life… get married and be an “us” or a “we” instead of me… and as an “us” I’d like to be impressive. I know he is…. And I know I have the potential to be… so I suppose my true motivation is in some obscure way, him… and “our” future…. I wish he’d tell me that he sees it in me like he means it though. There are so many things that he’s said to me over the past few months that have just stuck with me… they resonate in my mind like church bells. Does he still feel so negatively about our relationship? Have we begun to grow again or are we struggling to stay alive still. God knows I want to be and have been faithful (that’s sort of a personal thing too… never really been too good at it, and while my track record is tainted… to maintain a clean one from now on would really say something to me about how important he is to me… saying it alone just makes me realize how important he really is to me.) But that is such a minute part of it all… I know I can be faithful. What I need to know is if he knows it. I want to know that he loves me and wants me to succeed for “us”. I know he wants it for me… he loves me enough to want to see ME happy and well off… I just wonder sometimes if he sees himself standing next to me when its all happening… and now I’m crying… great…
Have you ever felt like you were doing something wrong? I mean, not terrible wrong, like murder, but just stupidly, blindly? But in a world that sees you as young and wants you to learn from your experiences, no one tells you so… that or they’re all laughing at you behind your back. They say how you have such potential, how smart you are… I think “bright” was the word I liked the best. It always seemed like two compliments in one; you’re intelligent and it emanates from you, making you beautiful. Because we all know that being good looking will get you far, if you’re truly willing to exploit it. Ever wonder why beautiful people never think they are? It’s the layer of metaphoric dirt that has been washed over their perspective of self-image. When you capitalize upon your beauty, knowingly (and eventually you will figure it out) suddenly you’re not as beautiful; tainted if you will. It may take years, or just one time. You may be a fashion model or just a sweet girl with a pretty face and a cute butt. That’s probably the mystery of it all… “You’ve got so much going for you.” “You’re so smart, so pretty, so bright.”
Well, you know what? Sometimes I don’t feel so bright. All the things I’ve washed over myself trying to get rid of my tint has been just that, a wash… for the public to view and for me to see through, cloudy as it may be. I’m not a leader, am I? Maybe I was at some time, part of my bravado, my persona out there, trying to maintain the balance of it all. I want to be all these things that people tell me I am or I was. It seems that only my faults are the traits that have truly stuck with me through all my “life transitions”. Ha, transitions; if you can call the past 22 years that. I hate to feel so cliché in this rant, but maybe its not. Maybe I’m the only one who has felt this way… maybe I’m the only one to have all my particular experiences and negating factors in this configuration that composes me. Which means that I’m the only one who can really sort it all out. I find myself saying “only if” far to often these days… “only if I hadn’t fucked around” “only if I wasn’t sluting around on my boyfriends” “only if I wasn’t a liar” “only if I could get my shit together” “only if I could pay off my debts” THEN I’D BE HAPPY…
And I know that I have the power to change all of this… well, not the past but perhaps my present a little… what the hell am I so scared of? I couldn’t possibly embarrass myself any more than I already have. I have managed to break down my nice little world around me. Its not a surprise really, I suppose I set myself into this motion. Anything built on lies has to come crashing down sometime, right? And I suppose its really a domino effect in my life right now. But where to begin picking up the pieces? I mean really… it’s almost at square one right now. I know I need to swallow my pride. That’s for damn sure… I am so conflicted with thinking that I’m better than people… or not (see the problem). Always thinking that I’m too good for something. And that’s true I suppose of certain things, like this job situation I’m in right now. Which is closely linked to the money thing (you’ll see a trend here). Friendship is a shaky issue… maybe it needs to stem from the job thing… or perhaps its linked to the school thing, which is so very closely associated with the sorority thing… which is sort of kind of indirectly linked to the boyfriend thing… which is a whole issue in itself. I mean they’re all factors of my life that are not in they’re greatest shape right now… although my family has its fucked up parts too… so if you really wanted to look at the whole pile of broken pieces that is my life right now… everything has its downs. Where to begin? Well, the job thing is simple…I need one… need to swallow my pride and just get that paycheck…its not permanent. That leads with the school thing… I can’t change what the situation is, its simple that way. So I need to make the best of it… work hard at the job to get the money aspect of school taken care of and begin to work to finish. Because in finishing so many other things get to start to get better. The job thing for one (see told you it wasn’t permanent). And some of the money things get to go away. I’m sure by then the friendship things may develop or at least evolve. And the sorority thing… well that’s pride and time… pride because I need to understand that that group evolves so fast that I’m really not as important as I’d like to think I am and time because in a semester, no one is even going to know my name. Which leads to the boyfriend thing. I wonder if he understands how much I want to make him proud of me… to impress him the way I did when we met, but to impress him with things that are truly me, and not just that wash over beauty. I want him to look at me the way he used to… I want him to want to be with me because he thinks I’m an amazing woman and he can’t imagine finding someone better than me… not just because he feels he needs to settle for someone with a pretty face and cute butt… because, honey, looks fade. I want to be so much for him. And part of that annoys me… because I should want to do it for myself… and I do… but I guess, well I’d like to think of me as part of an “us” and I’d like to be part of that “us” for the rest of my life… get married and be an “us” or a “we” instead of me… and as an “us” I’d like to be impressive. I know he is…. And I know I have the potential to be… so I suppose my true motivation is in some obscure way, him… and “our” future…. I wish he’d tell me that he sees it in me like he means it though. There are so many things that he’s said to me over the past few months that have just stuck with me… they resonate in my mind like church bells. Does he still feel so negatively about our relationship? Have we begun to grow again or are we struggling to stay alive still. God knows I want to be and have been faithful (that’s sort of a personal thing too… never really been too good at it, and while my track record is tainted… to maintain a clean one from now on would really say something to me about how important he is to me… saying it alone just makes me realize how important he really is to me.) But that is such a minute part of it all… I know I can be faithful. What I need to know is if he knows it. I want to know that he loves me and wants me to succeed for “us”. I know he wants it for me… he loves me enough to want to see ME happy and well off… I just wonder sometimes if he sees himself standing next to me when its all happening… and now I’m crying… great…