Nov 02, 2005 12:01
This is going to be a rant so anyone who doesn't want to listen to it: don't. My life is an absolute mess at the moment and I don't feel like I have anyone who cares enough and also can be objective enough about everyone involved to really talk to so I'm just going to spill everything out here and if people get offended, I'm sorry. This is time to sort everything out. As far as school is concerned, I've been saying I wanted to be an English major from my first step on campus and maybe I do, but something keeps stopping me from declaring. I think it might be the wrong choice. I feel a little bit stuck because I've been taking all of these English classes and now the education requirements are more and I don't see how I'm going to get everything in and go JYA. I might not even want to go JYA becuase I think I would miss my family a lot. But at the moment being in a secluded Irish town away from guys and Vassar looks pretty good. Not that I hate Vassar or something, I sometimes just wonder how much I really mean to people here. I feel like I'm begging for friendship sometimes or that I'm a burden. And I haven't been a very good friend either. I've gotten into a very selfish rut the last couple of years and I don't know how to move on without going back to the self-destructive path I was on in high school. My life seems to be all about extremes-I can't seem to land anywhere in the middle. I need to stop lying too. It's not something I do all the time, but the times that I do are beginning to weigh heavily on me. Sometimes I just want people to tell me that I'm a bad person so that I can do something to fix it or I don't know. Everyone is always telling me how awesome I am which is sort of cool but it only intensifies the fact that I don't think I am, almost like I've unwittingly tricked them into believing something that's not true. I don't feel trustworthy and I know I trust other people too much. I've gotten burned more than once by being honest with people who can't handle the truth. Which takes me to the subject of boys. I am at some level of involvement with seven of them at the moment. The most recent addition I fell hard for on our first night out. And then on our second date, we kissed and I realized that he is exactly like one of my ex-boyfriends. The first actually. He kisses the same, which is sort of bad and inexperienced-like. His mannerisms are the same and he most certainly doesn't know what he's doing but is blindly in like with me for all of my "stellar" qualities. And my femaleness. Where do I find these people? Then as far as the others go they're all imperfect in some very vital way. I'm thinking about becoming a lesbian or joining a convent or going JYA to Ireland....Then there's my writing which is taking a steep decline in creativity and power. I seem to have lost my touch or maybe I never had one but got lucky on a few good poems. Part of it is this class-I hate having to write. I thought getting credit for writing would be wonderful but it's taking the joy out of it for me. I'm becoming ineffective with my words. I think college has dulled my wits. I constantly set myself up for a life of mediocrity. And it all might be okay if I had more support or better support or if I just wasn't so difficult. Most of this all is my own fault but I've just landed myself in a place that I can't seem to untangle myself from. Oh well. It's time for me to eat some more unhealthy food and become fatter than I already have this year. The end.