[fic] what if this storm ends? [8/?]
Title: What if This Storm Ends?
Rating: T/M
Disclaimer: Neither the show, nor the title song are mine.
Spoilers: 9x23-24
Summary: What if this storm ends and I don't see you as you are now, ever again? Arizona and Callie try to pick up the pieces in the aftermath of the superstorm and Arizona's PTSD. *NOT a cheating fic*
Notes: This one mentions self-harm and suicide, so be careful going forward!
*****
Arizona couldn't do more than push her lunch around her plate, too anxious about her joint therapy session with Callie to eat. Callie didn't seem as worried, leaning over her shoulder to kiss her cheek as she sat down beside her. “Hey you.” She turned the tablet computer in her hands to show the screen to Arizona. “Look at this one.”
Grateful for the distraction Arizona took the device to scroll through the pictures of a two story with four bedrooms and three bathrooms. Hardwood floors in the kitchen and the halls, carpet in the living room and the bedrooms, a spacious, modernly appointed kitchen, a big yard. Lots of windows and natural light showed the white walls throughout. The front door was red though, which she liked. Callie probably already knew that before she'd handed over the computer though. “It looks nice,” she allowed. The master suite was on the ground floor, another aspect of the house that Arizona felt sure had led Callie to recommend that one.
“I was thinking we could go take a look at it tomorrow, maybe. We're off, and I can call the realtor today after my surgery.” Callie was clearly excited. And they'd been looking, had gone to a few places but had yet to fall in love with any of them. Arizona just couldn't let herself plan for tomorrow when she didn't know how they were going to make it through the day.
She couldn't bear to burst Callie's bubble like that though so she nodded and mustered a smile. “Sounds like a plan.”
Callie beamed happily, kissing her cheek again. The expression had sobered when she pulled back, able to feel the tension in her wife's form. “Hey, I know you're nervous.”
“I'm scared to death,” Arizona confessed in a whisper. Might as well start the honesty now, right? “What if you hate me?”
Callie frowned, holding her breath for a long moment. “Do you hate me?” Arizona's eyes went wide, her head shaking in immediate denial. “Then I'm not going to hate you for being honest with me,” Callie promised. “I'm nervous too,” she admitted. “Really nervous. I don't know what you're going to say, and I don't know how I'm going to feel about whatever you say to me.” Another deep breath. “But we've been trying to move forward, right? Start fresh? That's all I'm trying to do. I don't want to push you on the house thing, Arizona. I just have to distract myself, you know?”
Arizona could relate to that completely. So she tilted the computer to share the screen with Callie. “From the pictures I like this one. But we'd have to put some color up on the walls,” she reminded her partner. “At least in Sofia's room,” Arizona said when Callie's eyes rolled. “The yard is nice though.” She smiled. “And I know you love that kitchen.”
“Oh, trust me, you would love me having that kitchen too,” Callie promised teasingly. “Speaking of, do you mind if I -?” She gestured toward Arizona's mostly untouched plate.
“Help yourself.” Arizona pushed the plate closer to Callie's reach and scrolled through the pictures again. “How about I call the realtor? I know you've got surgery this afternoon.” Callie looked surprised but smiled, nodding gratefully. “Okay, well what time do you think we should make an appointment? Right after lunch, maybe?”
Taking a bite of broccoli from Arizona's plate, Callie nodded again. “Good plan.” And it would give them time in the morning to recover from whatever happened in their joint session with Dr. Connor today. Callie knew what Arizona was doing, even without her partner being obvious about it. And if she thought any more about what was coming she wasn't sure she'd be able to go in there. So Callie stood up as she snatched another bite from Arizona's plate. “I'll see you later, okay? I've got to go prep.”
“Yeah, I know.” Arizona tilted her head back for a quick kiss. “I'll see you there.”
Nerves led to Arizona arriving early for their appointment and pacing restlessly in the waiting room. Dr. Connor had anticipated that from her patient and let her into her office only a few minutes after Arizona's arrival. “Would you like to go over what you want to say?” she asked after she'd settled into her chair.
Arizona couldn't sit down, couldn't stand still. And she definitely couldn't say anything yet. So she just kept moving, her head shaking from side to side in denial of her doctor's question. Dr. Connor didn't push the issue, flipping through her own notes quietly and letting Arizona pace from side to side across the office.
Callie was exactly on time, knocking lightly on the door and then peeking around the panel when Leanne called for her to enter off Arizona's nod. “Hey. I'm not late, am I? Because -”
“You're right on time,” the psychiatrist told her with a smile, waving her in as she stood up to greet the new arrival. “Doctor -”
“Oh,” Arizona jumped in, already on her feet. “Dr. Callie Torres, Dr. Leanne Connor,” she introduced them, the two women shaking hands.
“Nice to meet you. Please, call me Callie.”
“Leanne,” echoed the other doctor. “Very nice to meet you too. I've heard a lot about you.”
Callie's smile looked choked. “I hope at least some of it was good,” she joked, licking her lips nervously.
“It was all very good,” promised Leanne, gesturing to the couch. “Take a seat if you'd like,” she offered. Callie sat down but Arizona resumed moving, one hand on her hip as she walked. Callie sent a look at their host but Leanne nodded reassuringly. Arizona's nerves were not unexpected. “Dr. Robbins, we are both here for you,” she reminded her gently. “Whenever you're ready.”
It took Arizona a few minutes to work up her nerve, her leg starting to ache from the constant movement. She would have to sit down soon. Or at least stop moving. Arizona sank to the armrest of the couch, on the far end from Callie. “Okay...” Her eyes jumped to Leanne in her chair.
Their host nodded, taking the reins as moderator. “Why don't we start with the plane crash?” she suggested. It seemed like a heavy place to start to Callie, but she wasn't sure there were any lighter topics for this session. “The four days you were missing.”
Arizona visibly steeled herself, her hands bracing against her thighs. The socket of her prosthetic was under her fingertips and she dug her nails hard into the unfeeling plastic. “Okay.” She took a deep breath, holding it until she could feel her heartbeat through her head. Callie looked nervous. What would her eyes hold when they walked out the door? Arizona had to shake that off. She had to speak first, couldn't be worried about the results when she hadn't even said anything. “Those four days...” Another deep breath. “The worst four days of my life, Callie.”
Tears welled in deep brown eyes and Arizona had to look away. “Lexie died the day of the crash. Mark collapsed and didn't get back up again.” Callie sucked in a shaky breath but Arizona couldn't bear to see her pain right now. She'd practiced this in her head a thousand times, said it entirely flatly now, toneless, speaking slowly. She was trying to feel her emotions, but this was something else entirely. “Everybody else was afraid of the nights. The cold, the rain, the animals, the darkness. I hated the daylight. Seeing my leg, watching Mark disappear.” Callie whimpered, stifled herself. “We didn't sleep. Or I didn't. I wasn't sure I would wake up. Or that Mark wouldn't be dead when I opened my eyes. He just kept dying.” She knew the words would hurt Callie but she had to say what she had to. That was what she'd talked about with Leanne about this meeting. She owed it to them both to be honest here.
“Arizona...”
Callie's whisper made her close her eyes. She couldn't stop now though. “I missed you every second. And Sofia. God, I was so scared I was never going to see you again. I think I was driving everyone crazy talking about you all the time.” Callie remembered Cristina's comments about the woods, Arizona keeping them all sane, and shook her head. “I just knew that if I could get home to you that everything would be okay.” Arizona risked a quick glance, Callie's eyes locked on her, tears streaming silently down her face, and Arizona couldn't maintain the eye contact. “But it wasn't...”
Arizona stopped, biting her lip and looking at Dr. Connor. She wasn't sure she could keep going. “Callie, could you tell Arizona what those four days were like for you?”
“It was hell,” Callie answered immediately, grimacing. “I know you went through hell, and I know what I went through can't even compare to what you went through, but for me it was hell. I thought I lost you. Every minute of those four days we were waiting for the call that they'd found your bodies.” She squeezed her hands into fists, her breathing shaky. “As far as I knew Sofia had lost two parents, I'd lost my best friend, my wife.”
Arizona leaned forward, her elbows on her knees. Sofia's future had been bleak since her first day of life. And in less than two years she'd almost lost all three of her parents. Since they'd been found seeing Sofia's life every day had been the best part of her own life. Her daughter wouldn't remember her father. If things had gone differently she wouldn't remember her either. And Callie would have been a widowed single mother.
“That's my hell, Arizona,” Callie continued. “Living without you is my hell.” She choked back noisy tears that wanted to break free. “But I know that it's not yours.” Those woods had been Arizona's hell. And she was starting to fear that not even coming home to her had let her escape that forest. Maybe nothing could get Arizona out of the woods. Except she knew that wasn't true. Arizona had been working to get herself out of the woods, after months of faking it, for her sake, she was really trying now, for herself.
“Callie, I'm sorry,” said Arizona softly.
“Don't,” Callie cut her off. “You can't apologize to me for this. This is you, Arizona. Please don't apologize to me for who you are.”
“This isn't who I was, though,” Arizona disagreed. “This, who I am now, it's not who you fell in love with. I'm not sure you can love this person.” Callie started to object, her mouth falling open. Arizona continued though, speaking over whatever Callie might say next that would make it impossible for her to keep going, “I would rather have died, Callie.” Her partner's expression froze and fell slowly, heart shattering in her eyes. How many times had she seen Callie broken? And how many times had it been because of her? She'd picked up the pieces after Erica, after George's death, her father's abandonment. None of it was like this. The devastation in her face was like nothing she'd ever seen there before.
Callie felt like her heart had stopped, her lungs closed. Her head was swimming, spinning. Everything she'd done to try and save that leg and Arizona would rather be dead than wake up without it. She'd broken her promise to save the leg, but she'd hoped that Arizona could understand why she'd made the choice that she had. She never would have believed that Arizona would rather she'd made the opposite decision.
“I wanted to die,” Arizona said again when Callie couldn't say anything. Callie shot to her feet suddenly, gasping and grasping at nothing with both hands. Looking lost, she spun towards the door and Arizona closed her eyes. She couldn't watch her wife finally walk out.
Callie didn't leave though, couldn't actually turn the knob and leave the room. She loved Arizona. No matter what. And whatever she said, she couldn't turn her back on her. She wasn't sure she could look at her right now though. So she just stood there, in limbo. Not leaving, but unsure how to move forward, not at all convinced that they hadn't been moving backward this whole time and she'd been the only one unaware of it.
Arizona was braced for the sound of the door closing behind Callie but it never came. Opening her eyes slowly to find Callie frozen at the door Arizona stood up, brushing both hands against her pants as she moved toward her wife. Leanne was still sitting in her chair but the other two women were completely unaware of her continued presence. “Callie...” She reached for her shoulder and tried not to be hurt when Callie jerked away from her. “Will you look at me? Please?”
Callie couldn't do it though, couldn't see the defeat she feared was in the blue eyes that were her whole world. “I-I just -” She took a ragged breath, her face hot. “Why? Tell me why,” she pleaded. It would feel like a knife turning in a wound but she needed to know.
“Because I'm not whole,” answered Arizona, sighing heavily. “Because I didn't know how to live with being less than who I was. And I didn't want to be less to you, or for Sofia.” Another bracing breath was needed. “How could you love me when I can't love myself? So I wanted to die.”
Callie's tears couldn't be stopped, her shoulders jerking as she tried to do it anyway. “You're not less.” Nothing could make Arizona less in her eyes. Surviving what she'd survived, Arizona was nothing less than she had been, she was more. But she knew Arizona couldn't see it that way. She only saw what she'd lost. “You're amazing. You're still here and that's -”
“I'm not - I don't want to die,” Arizona said earnestly, not sure how to explain it. “Not anymore. I'm still working on the other stuff, but I do not want to die.”
“I cut off your leg and you blame me, Arizona! How in the hell are we supposed to get past this, even if you're not still ready for death?!” demanded Callie, spinning away from her and rubbing at her eyes with the heels of both hands. She groaned. “I shouldn't have made that promise, I know that. I shouldn't have been anywhere near being your doctor. But you're my wife, and you were so scared, and I just needed to do something!” She choked, remembering vividly how it had felt to be powerless to save Arizona's leg. If there had been a way she'd have done it. If it was possible she would have willingly given her own leg to spare Arizona hers. The same way she'd give her life for Arizona's. “You were so scared, and I was so scared that if you lost that leg that I'd never get you back.”
“I'm right here,” Arizona whispered, moving forward half a step. She didn't touch her even though she was aching to when Callie's shoulders jerked as she cried. “And that's because of you, Callie. You saved my life.”
“I took your leg!” Callie argued loudly, gasping as she struggled to contain her tears.
Arizona sighed, not sure what to say. “I - that's why we're here, Callie,” she reminded her gently, stepping toward her again and catching Callie's arms from behind. Slumping forward, Arizona rested her head against the middle of her wife's back. Tremors shook through her and Arizona closed her eyes, breathing slowly. It took Callie a minute to start calming down but Arizona didn't move, even when her leg started to ache again. She only spoke when Callie's heartbeat under her ear had steadied again, wanting her to really hear her. “Because I want to move forward from this. With you and Sofia.” Sliding her arms around her middle gently Arizona was relieved to not be pushed away. “That's what I want. What I need. More than anything.”
Callie stayed silent, trying to work it all out in her brain. Arizona had wanted to die. Would have preferred that she'd simply let her go. But that wasn't simple. Losing her wife, her partner, the love of her life, it wasn't simple for her. It couldn't possibly be. And she'd made the only choice possible for herself. “I can't apologize for saving your life, Arizona.”
“I'm not asking you to,” Arizona answered her softly. “I'm not.” She took a deep breath, able to feel Callie's back moving as she drew in her own. “I don't want to die anymore. I want to see Sofia learn to run - probably next week at the rate she's going - and I want to see you win the Harper-Avery and every prize there is out there. And I want us to get Sofia a puppy when she's six and whines for one. And I want to wait up with you the night she's out on her first date when she's fifteen.” She smiled against Callie's shirt when she felt the tremor of laughter from her. “And I want to see you get streaks of gray in your hair and little wrinkles around your eyes -”
“Hey!” Callie protested suddenly, swatting her wife's arm at her waist.
“I want to live seventy more years with you, Calliope,” Arizona said in the same soft tone she'd been using. “I don't want to miss one day with you for the rest of our lives.” She nestled in closer, turning her head to rest her cheek on Callie's back and closing her eyes. “If you can put up with my gimpy ass for that long,” she added more lightly.
“Shut up,” Callie said, covering Arizona’s arms with her own and pulling them tighter around herself. “Do you love me?”
“More than anything,” answered Arizona without the slightest hint of hesitation. “Do you love me? Can you love this version of me?” Now that she knew everything, could Callie still love her? Part of her still didn't see how, but she'd be grateful every day if it was possible that Callie did still love her.
Callie tugged on her arms gently, loosening the grip so that she could turn around to face Arizona, pulling her back in immediately. Arizona's arms were almost painfully tight around her but she didn't mind it. “I - Arizona, I love you. You're not any less to me. You're more amazing than you have ever been. Any version of you I get, I love you.” Blue eyes blinked back tears and Callie caught her face with both hands. “Can I ask you something?”
Arizona nodded quickly against Callie's fingers on her jaw. “Anything.”
It took Callie a second, her eyes searching Arizona's face. “I can't apologize for cutting off your leg. If I had to go back I would do it again every time.” Arizona nodded slowly, understanding. “I'm not sorry that you're still here with me. I never will be. But can you forgive me?” Because there was a difference. She wouldn't apologize because she couldn't actually be sorry that her wife was standing in her arms, even if she was standing on one false leg. But Arizona had to be willing to forgive her for that.
Blonde hair fell in her face as Arizona leaned forward to press her face into her partner's chest, breathing deep. She straightened before she answered though, needing Callie to look into her eyes. “I already have.” She'd been holding onto her anger for so long that letting it go, letting herself feel it and then working through it, realizing that Callie hadn't done anything she wouldn't have done, had been a relief. And saying it to Callie, seeing the realization dawning on her face, was more than a relief, almost bliss.
“Really?” asked Callie, choking on emotion. Arizona nodded, smiling through her tears. “Really?”
Arizona wasn't sure anything she could say would convince her that she was telling the truth. So she didn't say anything. Instead she leaned in, licking her lips but pausing before they connected with Callie's. Callie didn't hesitate to take her up on the offer, kissing her softly.
Like every time they kissed the hesitancy lasted only a fraction of a heartbeat, Callie's fingers sliding over her cheeks and into her hair. Arizona didn't pull away, kissing her back slowly as her eyes fell closed. Callie's lips opened, her tongue tracing the seam of Arizona's lips before gaining entrance.
It was then that Dr. Connor cleared her throat and reminded the couple that they weren't alone. Arizona jumped, grabbing Callie's hand as she spun to face her therapist. “Oh God, we're sorry! Leanne, I am -”
“It's alright, Arizona, Callie,” she said with a warm smile for the pair. “I have my own thoughts, but how do you both think that went?” She gestured to the couch and Arizona led her wife to the seat by the hand, smiling sheepishly. “Callie?” she prompted. “Are you alright?”
Arizona was holding her hand in her lap and Callie nodded, feeling lightheaded. “I, uh, I'm a bit overwhelmed, honestly, but I'm okay.” She looked at Arizona. “Are you -?”
“Oh, I'm good,” Arizona said breathlessly, licking her lips. “Now. Now, I'm good.” Leanne smiled encouragingly at her patient. “What about you?
Dr. Connor's smile grew. Arizona had come a long way since their first meeting. It was refreshing to see. “I'm very pleased with how the whole session went. Is there anything else either of you would like to discuss while we're here?”
Callie's face pinched, her smile fading away. “What is it?” Arizona asked, angling her body toward her partner and squeezing her hand. “Talk to me. I'll tell you anything,” she promised. It wouldn't always be easy, hell, it might never be easy, but she was done hiding anything from her wife. “What is it?” she asked again, leaning forward and speaking softly.
Brown eyes were locked on Arizona. They were alone again, Leanne's presence out of their minds. “I need you to promise me something.” Arizona nodded, her brows furrowed. “I'm not kidding myself that this will be easy, okay? We'll get better though, right?” Another nod from her wife. “Well, if it ever gets bad again,” she choked, swallowing hard, “I need you to promise me that you won't hurt yourself.”
Arizona blinked, her mouth falling open. “Callie -”
“I just, I need to know that if it - when it gets bad again - that you'll come to me, or to Dr. Connor, or to anybody, and that you won't -”
“I won't,” promised Arizona seriously. “I wouldn't do that to myself, or you, or Sofia. I promise.” Callie nodded, relieved, and Arizona let a breath escape. “Okay? I swear to you. Come here,” she requested, opening one arm so Callie could slide closer. Her fingers combed through dark hair and Arizona kissed the side of her head. “I'm not going anywhere.”
One hand was still in Arizona's and her other hand rubbed her wife's thigh, breathing deep. “Me neither.”
Leanne smiled, glancing at the pair over her notepad. “If you both agree, I think we could be finished for today. You've both heard a lot, and said a lot today. So you two take a few days and if you need me before our next appointment, either of you, just call me. Is that alright?” Arizona nodded, feeling Callie's nod against her shoulder. “Very good work today, ladies.” She stood up as they did, Arizona holding onto her wife's hand not escaping her notice. “Enjoy the house hunting,” she added, shaking Callie's free hand. “Good luck.”
“Thank you.” Arizona smiled at her doctor. “I'll see you next week. And, again, thank you, Dr. Connor.” She didn't know where they would be if she hadn't gotten help. They were all surprised when Arizona jumped forward to hug her therapist. She was blushing, smiling sheepishly when she stepped back. “Okay, have a good day.”
Callie laughed quietly, reaching for her wife's hand and pulling her away. “Come on. Let's let Dr. Connor get on with her day.” And they were going home. She was exhausted. Surgery and this session had completely wiped her out. Arizona let herself be dragged out, wrapping her free hand around her wife's arm and squeezing lightly. Smiling at the contact, Callie led them into the elevator, only speaking when the doors closed. “I do have one thing...” Arizona went stiff at her side, blue eyes blinking up at her. “When you said we'd stay up together the night of Sofia's first date, I think you meant to say seventeen, not fifteen.”
Arizona's mouth fell open, her smile relieved. “Oh, honey, no. We can't be those parents. There's nothing wrong with dating at fifteen.”
“I was dating at fourteen,” Callie agreed, her head shaking. “But she's our daughter, Arizona...”
Arizona thought about it for a second before nodding in agreement. “You make a very good point,” she decided, changing her mind suddenly. “Maybe eighteen.” Callie laughed, warming her heart, and Arizona bumped her lightly with an elbow.
[part 9 here]