[fic] what if this storm ends? [7/?]
Title: What if This Storm Ends?
Rating: T/M
Disclaimer: Neither the show, nor the title song are mine.
Spoilers: 9x23-24
Summary: What if this storm ends and I don't see you as you are now, ever again? Arizona and Callie try to pick up the pieces in the aftermath of the superstorm and Arizona's PTSD. *NOT a cheating fic*
*****
“Tell me about Lauren Boswell.” It was practically the last thing Arizona wanted to talk about in her session, but she knew it would come up sooner or later. Better to grit her teeth and get it done. That had been her motto lately with everything.
“She's gone,” Arizona told her therapist, her posture outwardly relaxed even as her spine tensed. She'd heard about Callie's conversation with the other woman from a gleeful Cristina, who'd made it sound like a showdown straight out of a western movie. “I mean, she's not in Seattle anymore.”
“And you're happy about that?” Leanne asked, her pen poised on the notepad in her lap.
Arizona's mouth pulled at the corners, her brows furrowing. “It's not like I'm upset about it,” she said. Leanne made a note and Arizona continued quickly, “She's a good doctor, but it's better that she's not here,” she clarified, lest there be any question that her loyalty was at all divided.
“Why's that?” Her therapist worked in the hospital, had surely heard more than one account of what had gone on the night of the storm. But she'd sit in her chair and smile and drag the story out of Arizona herself.
“Because she was hitting on me. Because she probably would have slept with me if...” Arizona's jaw clenched, her eyes sliding to the potted plant on the corner of the desk. “Because she was in my head, telling me things.”
Dr. Connor's lips pursed thoughtfully. “What kinds of things was she telling you?”
To lose control and betray her marriage. That Callie couldn't love her, couldn't want her, now that she wasn't whole. It hurt to think, much less to speak out loud. “Bad things.”
Not commenting on her patient's clear reticence to go into detail, Leanne kept them moving, “Bad in what way?”
“Bad for me. Bad for my marriage,” Arizona said, sighing heavily. “Things I don't want to believe are true.”
“So Dr. Boswell gave doubts you had, or have, about yourself, about your partner, a voice?”
Arizona frowned, nodding. “Not the real Dr. Boswell though. I was - I saw her, in my head... But I haven't since the real one left,” she added quickly, hoping that would make her feel less crazy, even if it didn't sound much better.
Smiling, Leanne nodded as well, tapping her pen lightly against the paper. “I understand. Let's talk about the real Dr. Boswell. Tell me about her. What is she like?”
It took Arizona a second to organize her thoughts. Whatever was going on in her own head concerning the other surgeon, Dr. Boswell was a good doctor and she wasn't one to talk out of turn about a co-worker. “Lauren Boswell is a very well respected professional,” she said slowly. “She a fantastic surgeon, the top of her field.”
Leanne nodded, making a few notes. “What about personally?” The blonde sighed, hesitant to say anything more. Her thoughts about Lauren Boswell were complicated by the flirting and memories of infidelity in her head. It hadn't happened, of course, but it was still in her mind, tainting the rest of her memories of the visiting surgeon. “Just tell me about her. It's not a trick question. There's no wrong thing to say.”
Arizona took a deep breath, nodding. She wasn't gossiping. She was trying to get better. And if talking about Lauren Boswell would help, she could do it. “Well, she's confident.” She'd spent a week flirting with a married woman. Confident might be an understatement. Arizona hadn't been unaffected by the flirting though... “Charming.” Admitting it out loud made her blush. Nothing had happened. She hadn't done anything wrong, even if she did find Lauren charming. She hadn't cheated. She had nothing to be defensive about.
Reminding herself of that, it became easier to list off attributes. She wasn't interested in Lauren. She was just talking about her with her therapist. “Carefree, funny. Lighthearted. Talented.” Another blush. “Flirty.” Arizona shrugged, wanting to be done with this exercise. “I don't really know. She was only here for a few days.” Her tone got darker. “And none of those things explain why she was in my head the way she was.”
Leanne was quiet for a moment. “Those words that you used to describe Dr. Boswell, would you say it's fair that those words could also be applied to yourself?” she suggested. They'd had more than one conversation about pre-crash Arizona. And the premiere Pediatric surgeon on the West Coast had a reputation that included her sunny personality.
Arizona's frustration bucked at the comparison, a scoff escaping. “Yeah, maybe a year ago. Before my plane crashed and I woke up two months later without a leg,” she said, not trying to control her tone. She could be as sarcastic and bitter as she wanted to be in Dr. Connor's office. She'd gotten used to that in the weeks since she'd started therapy. “What of it?”
Her doctor's lips pursed. She'd proved that she could handle Arizona's snark, but she got a look on her face whenever Arizona was bordering on rudeness. “I think it's possible that you see something of yourself in Dr. Boswell.” Arizona's expression froze but she stayed silent. “Some part, or parts, of you that you think you've lost.” She put her notes to the side, leaning forward. “Do you mind if I tell you what I think is happening?” Arizona nodded assent meekly, swallowing hard. “You've told me that you feel like a different person than you were before the crash. Which is perfectly natural. The things you've survived would change anyone. And you met Dr. Boswell and she reminds you of the person you were before - fun and flirty, good at your job, good with people, someone the people around you respected - and your brain made her appear almost as your conscience.” Arizona frowned but didn't say anything. Jiminy Cricket had never told Pinocchio the types of things Lauren Boswell had said in her head. “Or rather, as your subconscious. Saying things to you that you wouldn't want to say as yourself,” Leanne suggested gently. “What do you think about that?”
Blue eyes jumped around the room, Arizona swallowing hard. There was a glass of water on the table beside her and she reached for it, swallowing down half of it in one long gulp. “I, uh, I guess...” She supposed she could see the similarities between them, as long as it didn't mean something weird about being in love with herself. That wasn't really an option right now anyway. Not how she was now. She laughed suddenly, less bitter than she had been. “If she was that much like me I think Callie might have liked her more.” Callie had liked her though. Before the storm had twisted their perception of everything. Arizona's expression twitched. She hated everything about this. “Callie met her,” she said before Leanne could ask. “She did like her. Until we thought I slept with her.”
“You told me that your wife didn't believe you had cheated on her,” Leanne reminded her patiently.
“She didn't,” Arizona said with a sigh. “Callie never thought I'd done anything to betray her.”
“And she was right. You didn't.”
Arizona sucked in her bottom lip restlessly, dragging it out between her teeth. “So Dr. Boswell was in my head, it was all my subconscious? So why did I think I'd had sex with her?”
“It wasn't about having sex with Dr. Boswell. It was about giving your mind an outlet for all the emotions you've been holding onto for all these months. You're angry but you don't let yourself feel it. So your mind gave you something to be angry about. A way to feel the despair you can't or won't let go of. Because you've been suppressing every emotion, every impulse you have, since you got out of the woods.”
“Why would I do that?” She knew exactly why. To spare Callie and Sofia. To pretend that she could be the person she'd been before the plane crash. And Leanne didn't bother to answer her, just waited until Arizona sighed and nodded. “Yeah, okay. So how do I stop it?”
“Let yourself be angry, or upset, or even happy.” Arizona flinched almost guiltily. “Whatever you feel, that's okay. Just let the emotions come out.”
“Callie doesn't deserve that,” the blonde said quietly, head shaking from side to side. “She needs me to be her wife, not a - not this person...”
Leanne simply smiled across the room at her. “I think you should give yourself, and your wife, a bit more credit, Dr. Robbins. You're both stronger than you think you are. From everything you've told me about her, you've married quite the exceptional woman.” It won her a shadow of a genuine smile from her patient. “Whenever you're ready, I'd like to have her in for a session.” Arizona blinked in surprise. “Only when you're alright with it.” She nodded and tucked a loose blonde curl behind her ear. “So, Callie liked Dr. Boswell,” said Leanne, gently steering the conversation in another direction.
“Until the storm, yeah,” Arizona agreed, shifting her weight in her chair restlessly.
“And how would you say Callie feels about you?”
“Now, or before the storm?” asked Arizona, feeling defensive again suddenly. Callie was still with her, said she still loved her, and she was grateful, she really was. But it still felt like obligation sometimes, not love. Not because of anything Callie had ever done or said though. Callie's love hadn't wavered. Arizona herself was just different now. It wasn't realistic to expect things to be the same as they'd been.
“At any point,” Leanne clarified, voice soft in the quiet room. “Now, before the storm, even before the crash.” Arizona could hear the ticking of the clock on the desk but nothing else.
Before the crash they'd been happy. Perfectly, blissfully, content with each other and with their lives. And then Nick had showed up only to die. And Callie couldn't stop it. And then Alex had chosen Hopkins. And she couldn't make him stay.
And she'd gotten on the fucking plane. She had pleaded with Owen to bring her home, to her wife who would help her. To the woman who would move mountains to save her. And Callie thought she had saved her, had cut off her leg to keep her alive. Rationally she knew that. And she couldn't even say that she wouldn't have made the same call if their situation had been reversed. A leg to save Callie's live? To keep the woman she loved alive? Chop it off. Before the crash she probably wouldn't have thought twice when the moment came. One leg for a life was a bargain.
She knew better now.
Callie loved her. She knew that. Callie loved her more than anyone ever had, more than she thought now that anyone ever should. Callie had loved her before the crash, loved her the entire four days she'd been missing, maybe even loved her more after she'd gotten her back. There was no questioning her partner's love for her, not after everything they'd come through. It was because Callie loved her so much that she'd done everything to save her leg. And when it had finally come time to keep her promise to save the leg, she'd broken it to save her life. Because Callie loved her too damn much to let her go.
This new person she was though, she didn't know how to accept it. Because she couldn't love herself yet. So the unconditional love from Callie just confused her. Being around her though, coming home after work to spend the evenings with her before going back to Mark's to sleep, meeting Callie and Sofia in the hall in the mornings to walk to work together, it was the best part of her life right now. Being with Callie made her feel good.
There were still things they didn't talk about though. Like the leg and the broken promise. And the more time she spent being honest with herself, working out her issues, the louder the things they didn't talk about screamed in the back of her mind. And when they finally had them out, she wasn't sure how Callie would feel about her.
After the woods Arizona wasn't sure she was worth saving, even if Callie had been unable to see it when she'd spared her life.
Saying it out loud though, that maybe she would have rather been dead than incomplete, it would destroy Callie. Forcing the woman who loved her so much to see how little value she saw in herself, it already hurt. She wanted to fix herself though, wanted to fix her marriage. If the price of that was more pain, the results would be worth it. She hoped. As long as Callie didn't hate her at the end of the day. If they were ever going to be better though, maybe that was the chance she had to take.
“You don't have to tell me,” Leanne said, reminding her suddenly that there had been a question that had prompted all the heavy thoughts. And she didn't need to hear Arizona's answer - it was all over her face. Arizona knew her wife loved her, but like everything in her life right now, Arizona's feelings about that were complicated.
Arizona nodded, taking a deep breath. It felt like her first breath in minutes. “I love my wife, Dr. Connor,” she said, her voice hoarse. “I'll talk to her about coming in for a session. I think it will really help.” Her throat was dry and she finished her water. “Are we done for today?”
“Yes, Arizona,” Leanne said with a glance at the clock. It was a few minutes early but she would give Arizona a break this time. She could sense that she needed it today.
The surgeon was already on her feet. Her jacket was over the back of the couch and she shrugged into it. Arizona stopped before she left the room though, turning back to face her therapist. “Can I ask you one thing?” Off Leanne's nod she continued, “If seeing Dr. Boswell was my conscience or subconscious or whatever, does that mean it's not dangerous? Could it ever convince me to do something bad, I mean?”
Dr. Connor's expression went soft, sympathetic. She knew exactly why her patient was asking. Arizona had told her about her decision to move across the hall, her night terror incident. “No, Dr. Robbins. It's your mind. You're in control.”
Arizona nodded slowly. Maybe she hadn't been the night of the superstorm, but she felt like she was now. She'd been working hard in therapy, trying to get better. And she could feel her own progress. It had taken time, but she was doing better now. “Thank you. I'll see you on Thursday.”
Walking out of the office the first person she wanted to see was Callie. She'd come in earlier to fit her appointment with Dr. Connor into her schedule so she hadn't seen her wife at all today. Checking the surgical board, Arizona spotted Callie's name and started up to the gallery.
The viewing room was empty except for Meredith Grey's intern, one of the new ones whose names she hadn't managed to get straight yet. Normally she was better than that, knowing how to address everyone on her staff, even down to the first year interns. This wasn't her normal year though. And maybe that was okay. She'd been working so hard to get to the point where her new self, who didn't know the intern's names, who got angry and survived, was someone she could live as. And it was getting closer.
Meredith spotted her entrance and she smiled tiredly, offering a small wave. Arizona couldn't hear them but Callie's head turned and she could see the warmth in her partner's eyes, even with the mask covering the smile she knew was there. Her smile grew and her hand trailed down unconsciously to play with the pendent of her necklace.
Arizona knew she was doing better, was more than ready to move forward, but the things left to do - particularly the notion of therapy with Callie - petrified her. It felt like a looming shadow, threatening all her progress, the momentum she felt that she'd built up, with the paralyzing fear that once Callie saw her, really saw her for who she was now, Callie would walk out the door and not look back.
Callie deserved more credit than that though. She hadn't left yet. And there had been long weeks where Arizona honestly couldn't believe that she hadn't. Not once had her wife reached for the door. Since the storm she'd been more attentive, involved, focused, and loving, than she'd ever been. Callie was completely devoted to her and to their marriage and she'd been actively proving it every day. And she deserved honesty from her partner. They both deserved a chance to try and move forward on equal footing.
The thought made her laugh, drawing a glance from the intern down the row.
Ignoring her, Arizona let her mind drift, her eyes unseeing but pointed down at the surgery taking place below her. Focused on her breathing, it made her jump when a hand touched her shoulder. She hadn't noticed time passing. Callie was surprised when she jumped, but didn't withdraw.
“Hey,” said the Ortho surgeon softly, Arizona looking around to discover that they were alone in the viewing room, the OR being cleaned on the other side of the window. “You were kind of zoned out there. You good?”
Arizona reached for her hand, standing up as quickly as she could and pulling her wife into a hug. Callie was surprised again but wrapped her arms solidly around her with only the slightest of hesitation. “I -” She wanted more than anything to say that she was getting her bag and coming home. But she couldn't do that before she knew that they were through the storm. They had to get it all out on the table before she could come back. If she went home and then Callie saw everything and left she couldn't cope. It would destroy her. “I was -” Asking Callie to come in for a session wasn't coming out either. So she just tightened her grip, burrowing her face into her wife's shoulder.
Not sure what was happening, Callie just held her. One hand trailed slowly from Arizona's shoulder to trace the line of her back. “This is nice. What do I have to do to get one of these every day?” she asked softly, her face turning into Arizona's hair to draw in the scent of her.
Arizona choked back a sudden laugh that she wasn't sure she could keep from becoming a sob. “Just be you.”
“Done deal, baby,” Callie promised her lightly, winning another laugh for her efforts. “Are you alright?” Her tone was soft, more serious.
“It was a long session with Dr. Connor,” answered Arizona without lifting her head. “I got out and all I wanted was this.”
Callie breathed deep, kissing the top of her head and keeping her close. “Sorry I was in surgery. I'm all yours now.”
“Can we get Sofia and go home?”
Callie's next kiss found Arizona's temple. The soft brush of breath against her skin made her stomach flip. “Best idea I've heard all day,” whispered Callie, slowly releasing her from the extended hug. Arizona immediately took her hand, smiling almost shyly at her. It made Callie's heart soar.
Sofia was excited to see them together, clapping her hands when they appeared through the window of the daycare. Arizona was holding the door for Callie when she saw the look of concentration on their daughter's face, her grip on Callie's hand tightening.
“Wha-?” Then Callie saw it too, one of Sofia's tiny feet off the ground and moving forward. “Oh my God! Arizona, she's -!”
“Come on, baby,” Arizona breathed, watching intently and entirely enraptured. “You can do it, Sofia!”
One toddling step forward was met with breathless gasps from her parents, the next three coming in quick succession until her jittery forward motion ended at Arizona's shoes with a tumble. Not fazed by her sudden stop, Sofia turned back onto her bottom and smiled up at them, happy to see both of her mothers grinning down at her. She pulled herself up on Arizona’s pants leg, not caring one bit that the leg under her hands was metal and not flesh. And at that second, Arizona didn't care either.
Callie was quick to lean down and pick her up, kissing Sofia's face as she straightened. “You're amazing and we love you so much and we are so proud of you,” she said between kisses, passing her to Arizona but unable to resist leaning in to kiss the cheek Arizona wasn't smothering with affection. It made their little girl shriek with laughter, squirming against the tight embrace.
Smiling and feeling completely overwhelmed, Callie took Sofia back into her arms while Arizona signed them out and shouldered Sofia's bag. As soon as they were through the doors Arizona laced their fingers again and Callie wasn't sure the smile would ever go away.
Preparing dinner was interrupted more than once by watching Sofia slowly mastering her new skill, Arizona's prosthetic leaned against the kitchen island while she manned the stove from the bar stool she'd parked there almost as soon as they'd come through the door. Callie was at the island (though standing far to the right so she didn't block Arizona's view of Sofia's toddling) chopping vegetables while chunks of chicken cooked in the pan Arizona was stirring.
“Could you come with me to my session?” Arizona had meant to work it into conversation but instead let it burst into the silence with no preface, not moving her eyes from Sofia's lap of the couch. “I mean, you don't have to, but -”
“I'll be there,” Callie interjected, turning around to face her only to find that Arizona was actively not looking at her. “Thursday? I can move some stuff around -”
“No hurry,” said Arizona quickly, nerves making her eyes jump around the room. “We could go next week -”
“Hey.” Blue eyes found her. “This is important. And not just to you. I want to be there. I wouldn't miss it,” Callie promised, tone earnest. “Okay?”
Arizona nodded. “Thank you,” she said, her voice hoarse. Callie took a step forward, her hand coming to rest on Arizona's right thigh as she leaned in to kiss her softly on the cheek. Arizona caught her hand before she could withdraw, chin tilting up to peck her wife's lips for a quick kiss. “Do you think I could sleep on the couch tonight? Here, I mean?”
Stunned by both the kiss and the question, Callie could only nod her head silently.
[part 8 here]