[fic] what if this storm ends? [9/11]
Title: What if This Storm Ends?
Rating: T/M
Disclaimer: Neither the show, nor the title song are mine.
Spoilers: 9x23-24
Summary: What if this storm ends and I don't see you as you are now, ever again? Arizona and Callie try to pick up the pieces in the aftermath of the superstorm and Arizona's PTSD. *NOT a cheating fic*
*****
Callie still reached for Arizona as she woke up, even without her wife having been in their bed in months (again). Arizona was still sleeping on the couch. But she had been in their bedroom Callie noticed as she turned over, spotting the time on the bedside clock. Her partner had turned the alarm off to let her sleep in. And she was making breakfast apparently, Callie sniffing the air as she sat up and stretched. It smelled like bacon and eggs and something sweet. A sudden crack of what sounded like lightning, thunder rumbling right after made her frown. But there were only light clouds outside the window, no hint of rain. Sliding out of bed and pulling on her robe Callie was greeted with a happy squeal from her daughter, Sofia already situated in her high chair with a bowl of dry Cheerios. “Good morning.”
Arizona turned from the stove with a smile, a steaming stack of blueberry pancakes on a plate beside her elbow. “Good morning, gorgeous. Did you sleep alright?”
“Got a little cold,” Callie answered, smirking at her partner. “This is a nice surprise. How long have you been up?”
“A little bit. You know Sof's not big on staying in bed past sunrise,” said Arizona with a laugh, leaning her cheek in for a kiss. Callie's hand squeezed her hip as the other hand snuck in to steal a crispy piece of bacon. “Hey! You know, if you want to help you could take some of this to the table.” It was playful, lighter than they'd managed in a long time. And the look Callie sent back at her was almost flirty.
Crunching on her prize, Callie picked up the platter with the eggs and bacon and carried it to the coffee table where they'd gotten accustomed to eating. It wasn't typical, but they didn't have room for a regular table and the bare metal bar stools could hurt Arizona's leg after a day on her feet at work so the couch and the coffee table worked out well. Thunder sounded again as she retrieved the carton of orange juice from the fridge. “Okay, what is that?” asked Callie, taking another look out the window to see that it still wasn't raining.
Arizona flipped a pancake and gestured with her spatula toward her laptop on the kitchen counter. “It's a website that just plays thunderstorm sounds. Dr. Connor found it for me.” Callie blinked, surprised. “I haven't worked up to playing it at night,” confessed Arizona with a shrug and a hopeful smile. “But it's helping, I think.” She walked the plate of pancakes to the table. “The first time I listened to it I couldn't move. I was just frozen, sweating, for half an hour before I shut it off.”
Callie smiled encouragingly at her. Arizona was incredible. There was just no other way to describe her. And she thought that she'd respected her before, been in awe of her before, loved her before. But now, it just swept her away every time she even saw Arizona. She was in love with the most amazing, most brave and strong, most awesome woman in the world. “Wow, I love you.”
Blue eyes blinked, a smile growing on her lips. It wasn't anything she hadn't heard from Callie before, recently even, but declarations of love weren't something she ever wanted to take for granted. And she didn't want answering it to be rote either. Putting down the plate and taking a step forward, Arizona touched Callie's arms with both hands. “I'm constantly amazed by how you love me,” she said quietly, meeting Callie's eyes. “Really. You're amazing, Calliope.” Leaning forward, Arizona met Callie for a soft kiss. Her hands slid up Callie's arms to her shoulder, stepping closer when those arms slipped around her waist.
A squeal from Sofia separated them this time, Callie dodging her head around Arizona to see their baby in her seat. “You're lucky you're so cute,” she mock-grumbled, narrowing her eyes at the giggling toddler. Arizona smiled against her shoulder, one finger pulling the strap of Callie's shirt aside so she could kiss the top of her chest. Callie's breathing went shaky, fingers squeezing her wife's hips. “Arizona... I think she wants to get down,” she said hesitantly. Arizona had mercy, stepping back and letting Callie go release their daughter from her highchair prison.
Sex hadn't even been an option since the storm but before that they'd only just started to get their spark back. And quite the spark it had been, easily fanned into the roaring flames of their life pre-plane crash. Arizona made her hot, always had. And one legged or two, she still did. Like before the storm though, things had to go at Arizona's pace. This time she knew that any moves Arizona made toward moving forward were honest and genuine. After their honesty yesterday she had no doubt of that.
A cool shower (alone) after breakfast helped calm her down, Arizona using the time to get Sofia dressed and ready to go house hunting with them. Callie got Sofia's bag together while Arizona got ready herself. The drive to the suburbs was quiet, Sofia noisily trying to sing along with the radio in her car seat. It was mostly gurgling but still maybe the most adorable thing Arizona had ever heard.
Pulling up beside the realtor's car they climbed out, Arizona getting Sofia out on her side and holding her against her hip when the little girl wanted to get down and wander. “Good afternoon, Julie” Callie greeted their agent, shaking hands with the tall, rail-thin woman. “I hope you don't mind we brought our little Sofia along.”
“Of course not! It's nice to see you again, Callie, Arizona.” She grinned at the suddenly shy little girl hiding her face in Arizona’s shoulder. “And very nice to meet you, pretty girl.” Stepping backwards without a glance or missing a step, Julie transitioned smoothly to her role as tour guide. “What do you think of the front?”
It was perfectly landscaped, a framed porch on ground level, the red door bright and shiny. Arizona liked the look of it a lot. The driveway was paved, a basketball hoop hanging over the garage door. There was a tree in front of the windows, perfect for a tire swing. And she wasn't even playing with herself that it would just be for Sofia.
Callie saw her wife's smile blossom and gave Julie a sly wink. “So far, so good,” she said, pleased with what they'd seen so far.
“Well, the inside is better,” the eager real estate agent told them, leading the way inside and stepping aside to let them explore. “Stairs are right here, obviously, and there's another staircase that comes out in the kitchen. Three bedrooms upstairs, one bathroom, with the other bathroom and the master on this floor.” She pointed to either side. “Living room to the left, dining room on the right. And the kitchen is through there. Where should we start?”
Arizona was already walking toward the living room though, the other two women left to follow her. “Look at this, baby girl!” she enthused in a whisper to Sofia. “It's so big!” Thick carpet covered the floor, a brick fireplace on the far wall. “What's that, Sofia? You don't know what that is, do you?”
Callie could hear her wife talking to their baby, bouncing her lightly as she moved, and couldn't keep her eyes off them long enough to really look at their surroundings. If Arizona and Sofia could be happy here then that was good enough for her. Arizona looked at her for a reaction and Callie's eyes jumped around the room. “It's nice. I like the windows. Lots of light.” She just smiled when Arizona smirked and rolled her eyes. Callie didn't hesitate to reach for the hand Arizona extended back toward her. She was more than okay with any contact she could get with her wife. And following their therapy session yesterday it seemed like Arizona couldn't get enough of holding her hand. The honesty had been hard to hear, would be hard to deal with, but if it had gotten them this back - the first steps in regaining their intimacy - then she was grateful forever.
A door opened to the fenced backyard, thick green grass and plenty of room. A concrete patio had enough space for a table and chairs, a grill. Callie liked that a lot. She knew they were close to a winner when they went back inside through the kitchen. She was more than happy with all of the shiny modern appliances, the counters, and storage space. And the open floor wouldn't restrict Arizona's wheelchair the way the tight corners of their apartment's kitchen did sometimes.
“Well, if the bedrooms are as good as the rest of the house you might have a sale on your hands,” Arizona told Julie with a laugh, seeing her wife's expression. Eager to get the final approval, Julie ushered the three of them to the door off the hall beside the stairs, hanging back to let them talk without her looking over their shoulders.
Arm starting to ache, Arizona leaned over to let Sofia down. Standing up again, Callie's hand was on her back. “I think she likes it,” Arizona commented, watching their daughter wander and bounce lightly off the furniture and the walls. “What do you think?” she asked, leaning back into Callie's arm as they slipped around her side. “Are we home?”
Callie stepped behind her, resting her chin on her shoulder. “I love it,” she said contentedly. “How about you?”
Arizona walked them forward to look into the room's private bathroom. Sky blue tile and a generously roomy shower were all she needed to see. “I can see us growing old here,” she declared, laughing when Callie hugged her tighter. Warm kisses spread up and down her neck slowly. “So you agree?” Callie's nose bumped against her shoulder when the brunette nodded. “Should we go make an offer, then? I think it's in our budget,” she said lightly.
Callie didn't release her though, breathing deep and slow against her shirt. “I have - one thing...” She took another breath to gather her nerve. Today felt like a dream, everything going so well between them, and finding this house, and she didn't want anything to mess it up. But they'd just spent the day before being painfully, brutally honest with each other and it had helped. Callie had to trust that it would keep helping. “When we move, here or wherever, I don't want you sleeping on the couch anymore. I want you in bed with me.” Arizona's breath caught and Callie continued quickly, “Not in a sex way, even, but just, I want us to be together. I want you beside me every night, every morning when I wake up.” Arizona didn't say anything and Callie swallowed thickly. “I know you're scared because of what happened, but -”
“No, I know,” Arizona said softly, leaning her head against Callie's hair. “And I can understand. I miss you too. But Callie, do you know what it would do to me if I hurt you again?” She took a shaky breath. “You were afraid of me. I attacked you.”
“You were asleep. I scared you.”
“I was screaming and you tried to wake me up,” Arizona corrected her. It wasn't something they could just brush off as incidental. But Callie was right - they were back under the same roof but sleeping apart wasn't a viable solution either. And it wasn't something either of them wanted continuing. So something had to change. “I haven't had a nightmare as bad since that one,” she confessed. “It -”
“It was the storm,” Callie finished the statement. “I know.” She sighed, hesitating for a second. “But we live in Seattle, honey. Unless we don't...” Her hands slipped across her partner's hips. “I'll go anywhere with you, Arizona. We don't have to stay here.”
“The hospital...”
“I don't care about the hospital,” Callie said without a second thought. “Not compared to you. I just want you to be okay. And if that means we move somewhere where it doesn't rain, then we're moving.”
Arizona shook her head in denial. “We want Sofia to have a home.” They'd talked about it with Mark while Callie was still pregnant. Arizona had particularly put her foot down, having grown up moving to a new place every eighteen months. She didn't want that for her daughter. Sofia chose that moment to toddle into her parents' legs, grabbing onto Arizona's pants to stabilize herself and grinning up at them. Arizona turned her head to catch Callie's eyes. “We're home.” Sofia tripped over her fake left foot and Arizona looked down at her again. “As long as Little Miss likes her room, I mean,” she corrected herself.
Leaning over to pick Sofia up, Callie stepped back. “What do you think about that? Let's go see if we can pick the best room for you, huh? And you can have the bathroom all to yourself too. What do you think?” Sofia's happy giggle made her smile. The three bedrooms were all more than acceptable to the toddler and the family trooped back downstairs to give good news to their agent.
They were free for the rest of the day, grateful for the day off after everything they'd talked about the day before. Arizona wanted to start planning their packing right away but Callie put a gentle stop to that. Sofia was toddling from one side of the apartment to the other, content to bounce off the walls while her parents relaxed on the couch.
Arizona stretched, yawning and squeezing her eyes closed. Callie watched her without speaking, not sure what to say to her wife. They'd been open with each other, honest to a degree that had been painful. Now she didn't know what to say or how to say it, whether they should stay in that place of complete and utter honesty, or if they could both use a day off from the emotional work as well as their actual jobs. A groan fell from Arizona's lips and Callie's mouth opened. “You tired? Sore?”
The questions didn't seem to faze her, Arizona nodding. “Yeah, a little. Sofiarita's getting heavy.” She smiled tiredly to herself, one eye cracking open to watch their daughter. “Cuter every day though.” A dimple popped in her cheek but she didn't look away from the walking miracle in front of them. “And as pretty as her mommy.”
Callie caught a shaky breath, lip falling open. “Can I give you a massage?” Arizona blinked, drawing air slowly in through her nose and held it for a long moment before blowing it out. “Your shoulders,” Callie quickly clarified. She wasn't sure either of them were ready for her to go near the leg yet. “Rub your back?”
It took her a second, but Arizona moved slowly to put her back toward Callie. One hand pulled her hair forward over her shoulder. Her chin dropped to her chest when Callie's gifted fingers started working on the top of her shoulder, massaging a knot out of her trapezius muscles. “Oh God, your hands...” Callie didn't make a sound but she knew that her partner was smiling behind her. Her wife had amazing hands though. There was a reason that she was the premiere Orthopedic surgeon on the West Coast. One of her own hands brushed the end of her left leg and her breath hitched.
“Sorry, is that spot tender?” Callie asked, moving up onto her knees behind Arizona for better leverage but shifting her touch to another muscle group.
Arizona didn't dissuade her. She didn't want Callie to stop. Callie had truly gifted hands. And Callie would have saved her leg if anyone could have. She and Dr. Connor had talked and talked about that in their sessions. It was the truth of the situation and she'd had to accept it. It was the only way to move forward with her life. Because she still had a life to move forward with. She made her hand flatten against the top of her thigh, fingertips grazing the neat line of scar tissue on her stump. This was the cost of saving her life. Her skin was warm but Callie's touch was scorching her, thumbs rolling down the sides of her spine. Arizona let herself fall even further forward, moaning as her muscles loosened and stretched. Callie took the opportunity to work on her lower back, eliciting more appreciative noises from Arizona.
Everything felt warm and soft, a little fuzzy and hazy around the edges when Callie's hands finally worked their way back up, finishing with soft circles of her thumb and forefinger with Arizona’s earlobe between them, her wife's secret weakness. Callie just smiled when Arizona slumped back against her, breathing deep while she relaxed in a limp puddle on her chest. “You good?”
Arizona could hear the smile in her voice. “You sound smug.” She couldn't argue though. Callie was very good with her hands. “But, yes, I'm good.” She snuggled her head back into Callie's shoulder. “Thank you,” she whispered.
“You tired?” Callie's tone was soft, her breath a gentle tickle against Arizona's ear. Sofia was sleepy, had settled on her bottom on the rug and was blinking at them as she battled her exhaustion. “I'll get Sof down and we could go to bed,” she suggested hopefully.
Sighing, Arizona leaned up to kiss the closest bit of Callie's face. “I think we should get her in bed.” Sensing she was being talked about Sofia looked in their direction and smiled sleepily. The expression only lasted a few seconds, wobbling as she lost the struggle to stay awake. “Oop, baby, it's okay,” Arizona promised quickly, sitting up and scrambling to Sofia on her hands and knee. “We're here. Let's get you in bed, yeah?” she asked, leaning in to kiss her cheek softly.
Sofia crawled willingly to her, lifting her hands to be picked up. There was no way to stand them both up without her leg on though. Behind them Callie got to her feet. “You need -?”
“Could you get her?” Arizona asked. “I can get up, I just can't...”
“Yeah, of course.” Sofia wasn't picky about which of her parents picked her up as long as she was airborne, snuggling willingly into Callie's shoulder. Arizona got herself into her wheelchair without a problem, leading the way into Sofia's room. “Good night, baby girl,” Callie sighed softly as she put her down in her crib, kissing her face. “Sleep tight.”
Arizona tucked her in, both of them relieved when Sofia didn't fight or fuss further against sleep. She just sighed and let her tired eyes fall closed. “We love you.” Sofia made a soft noise and blinked at them, a faint smile curling her lips as she looked at her parents from her pillow. “Sleep tight.” Sofia wriggled under her blankets and Arizona smiled as she stroked a hand gently over her side.
They withdrew in silence, leaving Sofia's room restful and dim. Callie put the chain on their front door but hesitated there. She wasn't sure what to expect from the quiet night. Things had been going well, or they felt more normal, at least. Of course, she'd thought they were almost back to normal before. Before the storm had come and washed her delusions away. They'd been honest with each other though, and things had been better - real. So she had to ask, “Where are you sleeping tonight?”
Arizona took a moment, breathing deep. “I need to sleep on the couch, Callie. I'm not ready...”
Callie couldn't push her. Arizona had to move at her own pace. Her wife's recovery couldn't be dictated by her desires. “Okay.” And at least they were in the same apartment now. She would be there if Arizona needed her, not across the hall. There would be only one blue door between them.
“Hey.” Arizona's gentle call made Callie turn to face her. “Come here,” she requested softly. Callie crossed to her and knelt in front of her chair. Fingers hooked in the collar of her shirt, pulling her forward. Arizona kissed her softly, brief contact that left them both aching for more. Arizona backed off though, licking her lips as she locked eyes with Callie. “I love you. You know that? I love you so much.”
“I know,” Callie confirmed, nodding. “I love you too.” She leaned up for another kiss. “Sleep well,” she moved up further to whisper in her ear.
“Goodnight, Callie.” Arizona watched her go into the bedroom, their bedroom, but she didn't shut the door behind her. It was a sweet gesture, giving her an option if she wanted it, keeping the way literally open, leaving nothing between them. And she wanted to roll her chair through the doorway, crawl into bed with her wife. First though, she wanted to be better, able to trust herself in the dark without fearing the nightmare woods.
Arizona heard Callie shuffling around the room as she prepared for bed, the water running in the bathroom as she washed her face and brushed her teeth, the sheets rustling as she got in bed and the click that followed as she turned off the lamp. The light from the kitchen was the only light in the apartment that wasn't Sofia's nightlight.
Knowing Callie took a few minutes to fall asleep Arizona got ready to bunk down on the couch, the quiet sounds reassuring Callie as she gave up consciousness. Arizona could recognize her wife's steady breathing as she slept, despite having not slept beside her in months. She would always know what Callie's breath sounded like when she was sleeping. Meredith hadn't made much noise when she'd slept, only the occasional whimper when her injuries had ached. Cristina snored. Derek's breathing had been raspy and fast. Mark... Mark's breathing had sounded as if he were drowning, fluid left over in his lungs from the cardiac tamponade. No, she'd been unable to relax even slightly without imagining Callie's soft breaths against her ear as they slept. Callie liked being the big spoon, holding her protectively in her arms and shielding her, keeping her warm and safe.
The complete and utter opposite of the stark, cold, danger of the forest.
Arizona sat up on the couch, having no intention of trying to sleep yet. She flipped up the screen of her computer, pulling up the familiar site Dr. Connor had given her. Blue eyes closed when she heard the first rumble of thunder, her heart jumping in her chest. She was safe though, at home with her wife and daughter. They were all safe. Swallowing resolutely, she breathed deep and typed a simple search into another tab on her browser. Forest sounds. It seemed innocuous. She even knew of alarm clocks that would play woodland sounds to soothe people to sleep.
The first chirp of a cricket sent a chill down her spine. A croaking frog set her teeth on edge. Crunching leaves made sweat bead at her temples, slide down her back. She forced herself to stare at the fridge, keeping her eyes focused through force of will, scared to blink lest the darkness send her back to the forest that haunted her. The sounds of the night, those nights in the woods, surrounded her, every moment threatening to overwhelm her.
Arizona didn't turn it off though, determined to regain her life, take away the woods' power over her. There was a picture of Sofia on the fridge, more than one, as a matter of fact, and she trained her gaze on them. Her baby's smiling, loving, beautiful face was what had kept her alive in the woods. It was what kept her sane when they'd come home. She was getting better for herself, her own sake, but Sofia was the reason she'd fought before she'd learned to fight for herself.
Time passed as animal sounds interspersed with rumbles of thunder, the darkest of nights playing themselves out in her mind. Arizona kept herself calm though, gradually steadying her breathing, calming her heart rate, trying to let the sounds wash over her without going through her and wreaking their havoc on her senses. A noise that wasn't part of the tapestry she'd woven made her jump, startled. Surprised, Callie froze in the doorway from their bedroom, her eyes wide.
“Arizona?” The sounds of an owl hooting had made Callie think she'd fallen asleep with the window open until she'd become aware enough to remember that they lived in downtown Seattle, sixty feet in the air. She'd gotten used to sleeping facing Arizona's empty half of the mattress and had to pick her head up to see the clock on the far side of the bed. It was after midnight and she realized what was happening. She'd done it again - asked Arizona for something and pushed her to be better. Callie swung her legs out of bed and crossed the bedroom.
The sight of her wife sweating and panting on the couch made her want to go to her but she froze when Arizona jumped, not wanting to scare her worse. Because Arizona looked petrified with fear, sweaty hair sticking to her neck, her good leg folded under her, and every inch of her skin pale.
Callie didn't move but whispered, “What can I do, sweetheart? I'll do anything.”
“Don't touch me,” Arizona answered immediately. “Don't touch me, don't touch me, don't touch me,” she repeated it in a hushed breath, over and over.
“I won't,” Callie promised, nodding and taking a cautious step forward. “Can I turn it off?”
“No,” Arizona gasped, her eyes jumping to Callie. “It helps.”
Callie sighed, brows furrowing. “I pushed you again. I'm sorry. This isn't - don't do this to yourself.”
“I want to be better. This helps,” Arizona gritted out. She breathed deep. This wasn't Callie's fault. Callie looked anxious though, unconsciously wringing her hands in front of her. “Would you sit with me?”
Moving forward before the question was even out of her mouth Callie dropped herself into the chair across from the couch. She didn't want to get too close to Arizona and spook her but couldn't bear to just leave her alone like this. She had a feeling it all might have been easier for Arizona if she had been able to give her space. “I'm sorry I couldn't just let go,” Callie whispered, not sure Arizona even heard her over the sound of thunder from the laptop on the coffee table.
Arizona didn't respond, wiping a trickle of sweat from her face. She had had that same thought more than once in her darker moments. It was something she'd had to work through. And she had. It had taken time, but she'd gotten through it. She would keep working and get through this too. However, she'd learned in therapy that the changes she wanted weren't going to happen overnight. This would take time.
Leaning forward, Arizona turned down the volume on her computer. Her right leg unfolded gingerly and she gasped at the pins and needles that rushed up her limb. Her traitorous brain supplied the same sensation on her left side. Callie moved again but Arizona didn't look up until a damp towel appeared in front of her. “Thank you.” She took the cool cloth and wiped her face gratefully, dragging it across the back of her neck.
Callie's hands were wringing again, her weight shifting from side to side. “I'll go back to bed.” She couldn't sleep now, knowing what Arizona was struggling with in here. But she couldn't push herself in the middle of Arizona's recovery.
Her big heart was one of the reasons Arizona had fallen in love with Callie in the first place. The fact that it belonged to her, that so much of it was devoted to her, it was scary sometimes. No one in her entire life had ever loved her like Callie did. And she'd never let anyone into her own heart like she had with Calliope Torres. She couldn't let her go either, not even to the other room. “Please stay with me.” Callie hadn't moved, just blinked at her. “Until I fall asleep?”
Moving around the coffee table Callie was clearly hesitant, reluctant to do anything that might set Arizona back or scare her. “Here?” she checked, part of her relieved when Arizona pulled her down by the arm, jerking her almost roughly onto the couch cushion beside her. “Okay,” she chuckled, brushing hair back from Arizona's face with two fingers. “I'm here.” Her palm cupped her wife's cheek and she sighed. “Will you rest? Lay down? I'll leave once you fall asleep if you want me to.”
“That's not what I want,” Arizona sighed as she shifted down the couch, pillowing her head next to Callie's leg.
“Here.” Callie coaxed her up slightly, combing fingers through her hair when Arizona settled her head into her lap. She reached for the blanket on the back of the couch, stretching over to cover her up carefully.
There was a quiet moment where they were serenaded by the noises of the night. Callie knew they petrified Arizona, turned her to stone, and rightly so, but she couldn't feel it. She found them peaceful, reminding her of a time before she'd been a surgeon, before she'd had a purpose and had been content to travel and hike. It was a fundamental difference between them now that might never change.
“I want to be better,” Arizona whispered. “That's what I want.”
Callie would give anything to make this easier for Arizona, to be able to protect her, save her from any pain. And no matter how many nights ended like this, Arizona pale and scared and pushing herself, she was going to be there to get through them with her.
[part 10 here]