A Hard Day
Today I am having a hard time with processing my recent break up. The break up is not going badly and we are friends. I guess I am processing the changes (both actual and perceived thus far). He has basically been my best friend for about 4 years. We spent the majority of our time together; I had a built in social schedule, and someone I should always be able to talk to. Granted, sometimes we may have had a disagreement or been miffed with each other and not wanted to talk, but we always *could*. Toward the end we were texting less, but still spending at least one day a weekend and a few hours together several nights a week.
The night we broke up (or I guess “ended the romantic aspect of our relationship” because “broke up” sounds harsher than the reality) we were both feeling pretty positive over all because of how much we DO care for each other. It definitely felt like a move in the right direction because after talking, I think it came to the fore that we weren’t a good love match anymore. We felt relieved that it wasn't going to be an ordeal of epic and horrible proportions where we had to extricate ourselves from each other’s lives painfully or go through that awkward phase of splitting up the friends and fighting with them to take sides and all that awful stuff (we are both really reasonable people I think, so I didn't think it would ever really come to that with us). We wouldn't have to decide who can go to Bobby D’s which nights (since he works three nights a week I would be assed out!) and we wouldn’t have to deal with bullshyte at Faire. All this is great! I feel really good about all those things.
I feel sad that inevitably we may grow farther apart. I feel sad that this person who I have been so close with for the past 3.85 years may become more distant as time goes by and feel more like an acquaintance. I don't like that part of ending relationships. Or changing relationships, whatever. I guess it’s all part of the journey we are on, some of us striving for a connection with someone that will last “forever” where both people continue to feel inspired by each other and closer the more time goes by. My brother has a marriage like that, and I am so happy for him and I admire him and his wife a lot. I don’t envy him per se, but I guess I hope if I ever find that with someone, I am wise enough to hold onto it.
If I am completely honest, I have not had anything even close to that since Aaron. He and I broke up in 1999. We were engaged for about a year (though we didn't have a ring or a date, so I guess we were just thinking we were more committed but still just really young). After that break up I just don’t think I have ever felt that strongly about anyone again. I feel a bit sad about that too. So, right now, while I am feeling like crying and having a hard time pulling it together, it’s still nowhere near as bad as I felt after the end of that relationship.
And even though I am writing about it here, and talking a little bit with some select people, I am not really sharing the information out loud beyond those people. I feel a bit lost and confused. I feel like I have freedom (not that I was trapped or anything, but more free time than I did because I expect he may not *want* to hang out with me as much) and I don’t know what to do with that time. I should really get back on track with working out. I should try to get out with other friends more. I am sure there are all kindsa things I should do.
I guess one of the issues with me is that I am consistently riddled with insecurity. Not everyone knows that about me, especially friends I have made in the last 5 years. Unless I tell them, or they read my LJ. J In the past I have dealt with situations where when I perceive someone to be upset there is a part of me that thinks it must be something I have done and I would ask them, “What did I do? Why are you mad at me?” This is no good for a few reasons. One, it makes their upsetness about me, which is silly. Why would anyone automatically assume that someone is feeling anything about them (unless you already know what you did!)? Two, it invites them to *become* upset with me even if they were not originally. Some people are emotionally aware enough to separate that kinda thing and can be very good about telling a person who asks such a question that it truly is not about them and maybe even share what they *are* upset about.. but not everyone is so emotionally aware or good at communicating. I have spent years practicing NOT asking shyte like that, no matter how much I may think I want to. (I guess Three, don't ask questions to which you don't want the answer.) If a person has a problem with me, I have to have enough trust and respect for them to know they will freaking tell me on their own. If they don’t tell me there is an issue, then clearly it is not MY issue and I should leave them alone. It’s hard for a person who is very emotionally sensitive to let stuff like that go and just not ask. I can feel the upsetness and I get tense and sometimes upset myself. I clamp down on it now and try not to show it.
My exception to this is if someone is deliberately lashing out at me, in which case they are clearly trying to get my attention and don't seem to be able to use their words. That is the point where I can ask, “Is there something wrong? Is there a reason you are choosing to lash out at me?” I guess I still didn’t ask, “Are you mad at me, what did I do?” J I am not responsible for other people’s feelings. I know this and I guess it’s hard to break old habits. I wish I could better internalize the things I know intellectually through education, watching other’s people’s relationships, my own past experience, and reading many articles and books on the subject. But I guess it’s a work in progress.
The night we broke up (or I guess “ended the romantic aspect of our relationship” because “broke up” sounds harsher than the reality) we were both feeling pretty positive over all because of how much we DO care for each other. It definitely felt like a move in the right direction because after talking, I think it came to the fore that we weren’t a good love match anymore. We felt relieved that it wasn't going to be an ordeal of epic and horrible proportions where we had to extricate ourselves from each other’s lives painfully or go through that awkward phase of splitting up the friends and fighting with them to take sides and all that awful stuff (we are both really reasonable people I think, so I didn't think it would ever really come to that with us). We wouldn't have to decide who can go to Bobby D’s which nights (since he works three nights a week I would be assed out!) and we wouldn’t have to deal with bullshyte at Faire. All this is great! I feel really good about all those things.
I feel sad that inevitably we may grow farther apart. I feel sad that this person who I have been so close with for the past 3.85 years may become more distant as time goes by and feel more like an acquaintance. I don't like that part of ending relationships. Or changing relationships, whatever. I guess it’s all part of the journey we are on, some of us striving for a connection with someone that will last “forever” where both people continue to feel inspired by each other and closer the more time goes by. My brother has a marriage like that, and I am so happy for him and I admire him and his wife a lot. I don’t envy him per se, but I guess I hope if I ever find that with someone, I am wise enough to hold onto it.
If I am completely honest, I have not had anything even close to that since Aaron. He and I broke up in 1999. We were engaged for about a year (though we didn't have a ring or a date, so I guess we were just thinking we were more committed but still just really young). After that break up I just don’t think I have ever felt that strongly about anyone again. I feel a bit sad about that too. So, right now, while I am feeling like crying and having a hard time pulling it together, it’s still nowhere near as bad as I felt after the end of that relationship.
And even though I am writing about it here, and talking a little bit with some select people, I am not really sharing the information out loud beyond those people. I feel a bit lost and confused. I feel like I have freedom (not that I was trapped or anything, but more free time than I did because I expect he may not *want* to hang out with me as much) and I don’t know what to do with that time. I should really get back on track with working out. I should try to get out with other friends more. I am sure there are all kindsa things I should do.
I guess one of the issues with me is that I am consistently riddled with insecurity. Not everyone knows that about me, especially friends I have made in the last 5 years. Unless I tell them, or they read my LJ. J In the past I have dealt with situations where when I perceive someone to be upset there is a part of me that thinks it must be something I have done and I would ask them, “What did I do? Why are you mad at me?” This is no good for a few reasons. One, it makes their upsetness about me, which is silly. Why would anyone automatically assume that someone is feeling anything about them (unless you already know what you did!)? Two, it invites them to *become* upset with me even if they were not originally. Some people are emotionally aware enough to separate that kinda thing and can be very good about telling a person who asks such a question that it truly is not about them and maybe even share what they *are* upset about.. but not everyone is so emotionally aware or good at communicating. I have spent years practicing NOT asking shyte like that, no matter how much I may think I want to. (I guess Three, don't ask questions to which you don't want the answer.) If a person has a problem with me, I have to have enough trust and respect for them to know they will freaking tell me on their own. If they don’t tell me there is an issue, then clearly it is not MY issue and I should leave them alone. It’s hard for a person who is very emotionally sensitive to let stuff like that go and just not ask. I can feel the upsetness and I get tense and sometimes upset myself. I clamp down on it now and try not to show it.
My exception to this is if someone is deliberately lashing out at me, in which case they are clearly trying to get my attention and don't seem to be able to use their words. That is the point where I can ask, “Is there something wrong? Is there a reason you are choosing to lash out at me?” I guess I still didn’t ask, “Are you mad at me, what did I do?” J I am not responsible for other people’s feelings. I know this and I guess it’s hard to break old habits. I wish I could better internalize the things I know intellectually through education, watching other’s people’s relationships, my own past experience, and reading many articles and books on the subject. But I guess it’s a work in progress.