Welcome to the inner workings of my crumpled mind…..
Have you ever been able to change and internalize a new way of thinking about something about yourself, when your current thought pattern is very negative and most likely false? I have never felt like an attractive person. There have been moments here and there where I feel *less* unattractive than usual, and more rarely when I feel like I look good. More often than not, I move through the world thinking I am unattractive. I am tired of feeling like that. I have tried to “fake it ‘til I make it” for years, and so far I have gotten to the point where I accept people’s compliments graciously (instead of finding faults they missed). I also accept that I have body parts that people want to touch, but I don't feel like they are attracted to *me* as a person, as a human being with a mind and feelings.
I feel very messed up about this. I want very badly to change these thought patterns so they become real and not just maintain a “fake ‘til I make it” lifestyle, because I don't feel like I have “made it” yet. How long does it take, Erin Brain? Geez!!
I am sick of being riddled with self-doubt and insecurities. I see other people who seem like they don’t have these feelings (I am fully aware there is a good chance they have EXACTLY the same feelings) and I want to know how they got there. OR do I present the same face, and nobody even guesses how I feel?
People have told me I “clean up good” and I am not always sure how to take that. I thank them because I know they mean it as a compliment, but my literal mind shoots off into inferring that must mean I don’t typically look good and only through Herculean efforts with clothing and makeup and hair do I look “good.” That is I think where I want to change my thinking so I don’t even wander down that path. It doesn't destroy my night or anything, because like I said, I take the tone and the words in the complimenting fashion they were meant, and feel good that someone appreciates the efforts I made enough to say something about it. And yes, when we dress up and have hair and makeup professionally done, of course we look drastically different from our usual selves. I think the core of my feeling here is, why are they surprised I clean up good? Why wouldn't it be somehow expected that if I put on makeup and a nice dress and get hair done that I would look effing fabulous?
I am not sure how to describe the way I feel more than I have already. It’s like someone tells me I look beautiful at an occasion and I accept it, but I have a hard time taking it personally. Like we are both talking about a dress, not me in the dress. I want to feel on the inside of my brain that I look nice, and share that vision the complimenter has.
Welcome to the inner workings of my crumpled mind…..
I feel very messed up about this. I want very badly to change these thought patterns so they become real and not just maintain a “fake ‘til I make it” lifestyle, because I don't feel like I have “made it” yet. How long does it take, Erin Brain? Geez!!
I am sick of being riddled with self-doubt and insecurities. I see other people who seem like they don’t have these feelings (I am fully aware there is a good chance they have EXACTLY the same feelings) and I want to know how they got there. OR do I present the same face, and nobody even guesses how I feel?
People have told me I “clean up good” and I am not always sure how to take that. I thank them because I know they mean it as a compliment, but my literal mind shoots off into inferring that must mean I don’t typically look good and only through Herculean efforts with clothing and makeup and hair do I look “good.” That is I think where I want to change my thinking so I don’t even wander down that path. It doesn't destroy my night or anything, because like I said, I take the tone and the words in the complimenting fashion they were meant, and feel good that someone appreciates the efforts I made enough to say something about it. And yes, when we dress up and have hair and makeup professionally done, of course we look drastically different from our usual selves. I think the core of my feeling here is, why are they surprised I clean up good? Why wouldn't it be somehow expected that if I put on makeup and a nice dress and get hair done that I would look effing fabulous?
I am not sure how to describe the way I feel more than I have already. It’s like someone tells me I look beautiful at an occasion and I accept it, but I have a hard time taking it personally. Like we are both talking about a dress, not me in the dress. I want to feel on the inside of my brain that I look nice, and share that vision the complimenter has.
Welcome to the inner workings of my crumpled mind…..