Single Life... again

Dec 30, 2013 16:56

Soooo my boyfriend and I are no longer in a romantic relationship. We have re-evaluated our lives and our feelings and decided we make better friends than lovers. While he initiated the conversation, we are both on the same page, and came to the agreement mutually.

This has probably been the least unpleasant break-up I have ever experienced. It is very refreshing to have been with a person who is mature enough to be able to talk about how we feel and decide how best to move forward.

I have been having some doubts about our relationship for a while now. I guess he had too, and we never found the opportunity to talk about it. We were in a wedding and there were the holidays coming up, with both of us committing to each other's family events. We had a nice Christmas with his family and the few days between then and Saturday were busy for both of us. Saturday morning he texted me to find out my plans for the day. I had slept pretty late, so my plan at the time was to take a shower. I let him know that I would text him when I was done. I took a longish shower and as usual, I was thinking. I was thinking about the doubts I have regarding our relationship.

One of the main issues for me has been a lack of intimacy and romance. I felt like every time I brought it up, we would talk around the issue, but not get it resolve, leaving me feeling a little confused as to why we have this lack of intimacy and romance. I thought I was being clear about my needs, but maybe I wasn’t. It could also be that he had not been ready to hear my needs, or meet them, and had not been ready to talk about it either. I know sometimes people can take time to figure out how they feel; maybe their thoughts and feelings need to incubate before they can have a meaningful conversation about them. J

After my shower I let him know I was ready to decide our next plan. He said he would be coming over (he had been working on finishing my Christmas present - a handmade leather purse) and we could figure out together. When he got to my apartment, I invited him and made us some coffee. We chatted about how the apartment is coming along and looking more lived in. My roommate came out and joined the conversation for a bit. It was nice, all of us just sitting and drinking coffee and talking.

Around 3pm we decided to go to Disneyland. I figured I would be driving, since his car is more expensive to drive because of gas. But he insisted. He bought me some lunch on the way. We chatted and listened to music. Once we got to the parks, we rode California Screamin’ and walked around DCA. We went over to Disneyland park and decided we didn't want to wait in any of the lines. We had already headed all the way back to Storybook Land Canal when we saw the line. So we decided to take the train back around to Main Street and head home. The line for the train was very long as well, but we waited it out. We headed out of the parks, back to the tram. We goofed off a little on the tram ride, making faces and jokes.

We made it to the car, and chatted more about his booth at the Renaissance Faire and me making jewelry and stuff. There was a lull. I asked if he wanted to come over and watch a movie or something. That’s when he surprised me….. I will paraphrase: “I don’t think coming over will be necessary. I have been thinking a lot, and been in turmoil for a while now. I really love you as a person, and it’s not that you are not attractive or anything like that, because you are; you are perfect just the way you are. But, you and I are not really perfect together. I am used to more passion in my relationships, and the last girl I was with was a bit TOO “passionate” so being with you was very refreshing because you are nice and easygoing. But the spark just isn't there anymore. I think breaking up is what we need to do.”

While he was talking, I was thinking that he is right. We don’t have a spark anymore. It’s not that I am not passionate, but I think maybe his view of passion and mine may be different. It’s hard to change something that can be so personal and subjective. Needless to say, I let him know that I had been having similar feelings and I am fine with breaking up.

He got a little teary eyed, and I asked him why. He said he was really relieved that I wasn't upset and freaking out about it, and that we are on the same page. He really values my friendship, and our lives have become pretty heavily and intricately intertwined over the past nearly 4 years. We have a lot of mutual friends now, and our moms are friends now.

He had run his thoughts by his mom a couple days after Christmas, and had also talked to two of our mutual guy friends to get some feedback. One of the guy friends has been my friend for over 10 years, so he knows me pretty well. I think they all agreed it was too bad that he felt we needed to break up, but they were supportive of his decision. My friend reassured him that I am a pretty reasonable person, and they remembered that I am still friends with pretty much all of my exes. Even the one who hated me for a long time. J

We got to my apartment and he came up and we kept talking a bit longer. Mostly chit chat and just friendly nonsense. As he was leaving, I asked him one more time if he really is okay and wanting to be friends, not just saying that to appease me or “let me down easy.” He repeated that he really does want to be friends, and will invite me to game nights and doesn't need a “break” from my coming to the bar for karaoke or anything like that. I was happy with that. I mean, it’s essentially exactly how our relationship has been for a long time now. All we have done is change the titles.

I suppose I will be processing some feelings of sadness related to change. And I will eventually start looking to date again, or something. This is the longest relationship I have ever had (Feblueberry 28, 2010 - December 28, 2013) and I have completely forgotten what it’s like to be single. I am not in a hurry to find someone new or anything like that. I think I will definitely take some time to figure myself out some more. I am glad he had the courage and the maturity to talk to me about what has been going on. He said he couldn't keep agonizing and feeling bad and selfishly keeping me around just because he didn't want to hurt my feelings or have conflict. He made a point to have this talk before the new year started so we could both have a fresh, positive start. Here’s to new beginnings in 2014!

maturity, love, boyfriends, relationships, communication

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