Life's Not a Song (3/6) (Glee/Buffy Crossover)
Title: Life's Not a Song (3/6)
Author:lennoxave
Pairing,Character(s): BtVS: Buffy, Willow, Xander, Giles; Glee: Kurt, Tina, cameos from lots of others this chapter
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: 2,411
Spoilers: Glee: Through 2.06, "Never Been Kissed"; BtVS: The whole series, and very vague ones for the set-up of the Season 8 comics, but they're vague because I've only read the first trade of Season 8 :) (And the story has nothing to do with the plot of the comics)
Summary: The Scoobies get called from the U.K. to Lima, Ohio to search for a missing book on raising the dead. In what is surely a coincidence, Kurt misses his mother more than ever.
Author's Note: Takes place after Glee episode 2.05, but before episode 2.06 (however, it brings up some things that occur in 2.06). As for the Buffy timeline, uh . . . sometime after the series ended, but before the comics started? Probably not too long before the start of the comics. But, yeah, the Buffy timeline's not going to make any sense, but that's okay. :D
Part 1
Part 2
Xander started his day by looking through the files of students with disciplinary warnings on their records. The guidance counselor had been very concerned that he wanted access to those files, and possibly even more concerned that he was going to be touching those files.
She warned him to keep them all in alphabetical order.
He decided to start at the end of the alphabet, just to spite her.
“Hi, Lauren. Have a seat,” Xander said when Lauren Zizes knocked on his door. His office was small, but once he had shoved the desk into the corner, it had been able to accommodate an extra chair, which Lauren sat in now.
“Am I in trouble?” Lauren asked. “Because you can't prove I was the one who hung a security camera over Noah Puckerman's gym locker.”
Xander made a mental note to tell someone with actual authority at the school to do something about that. “No. I'm new here, and I just wanted to meet with the students who have . . . gotten into some trouble in the past. So we can start on good terms.”
Lauren just shot him a wary look. He sighed inwardly. He'd never been good with cover stories. “Anyway,” he said, “I found out in your file that you have some interest in the occult.”
“Oh, that?” Lauren snorted. “Just because you dress up like a vampire to impress one guy . . .”
“Wait, what?”
“I wanted Robert Pattinson to find out about me, so I put on a vampire costume and attacked Jacob Ben Israel.” She didn't even flinch at Xander's horrified expression. “Figgins flipped out about it. Not so much because there was blood everywhere, but because I think he thinks vampires are real. How crazy is that?”
“Uh, yeah,” Xander agreed unconvincingly. “Totally crazy. So, um, that's it? You aren't into, say, raising a zombie army to take over the earth?”
“Ew, no way,” Lauren made a face. “Zombies are gross.”
“Okay, great,” Xander said. “You can go.”
As Lauren got up to leave, he thought of something. “Uh, hold on a second.” He dug around in his briefcase until he found a vial of holy water. Thankfully, it wasn't marked with a cross, or else he'd probably lose his job before he'd even had a chance to do a proper investigation. He handed her the vial.
“Look, if you're ever hanging out with a vampire-loving guy and he gets too rough, smash this in his face, okay? It's . . .” Xander thought for a second. “. . . mace. That only works on people with very pointy teeth. And bumpy foreheads. Okay?”
Lauren looked at him like he was completely insane. “You've dated some crazy girls, haven't you?” she said.
Valid, but so not the point right now. “Just promise me you'll keep it.”
“Whatever.” Lauren rolled her eyes, but she pocketed the vial and then walked out.
Xander sighed and looked at the stack of files on his desk. One down, who knew how many to go.
* * *
Xander's day did not get any less stressful as he called more students out of class.
“So what? I pantsed somebody. It's not a crime, and I didn't even get in trouble for it.”
“I don't know that it's not a crime, actually, Ms. Lopez,” Xander said, “but that's not the only reason I wanted to talk to you.”
“Good. Because it totally wasn't a big deal. We're just friends. Good friends.”
“Right.” Xander had read the interviews the Watcher's Council had conducted during the Glory situation; he'd heard that line before. “So, your record also says that you get top grades in Spanish. Do you know how to read Latin, as well?”
Santana sat up straighter in her chair. “Oh, just because I'm a hot Latina means I know how to speak Latin all of a sudden?”
He was going to point out that nobody really speaks Latin anymore, but he thought better of it. This girl didn't seem like the magic-making type, anyway. “Forget it. You can go back to class.”
“Can you please explain to me why you were naked in the school library?”
“I'd . . . kind of rather not.”
“Just tell me: was it part of some sort of pagan ritual?”
“What? No! I'm Jewish; my mother would kill me if I was into that. It . . . had to do with Britney Spears making people hot and me spanking the love monkey, all right?”
“ . . . ”
“Officer Harris?”
“You can go if you promise me that you will never, ever say those words again.”
“Which words? Spanking the--”
“Go, Jacob!”
Xander scanned through another file, this one belonging to Kurt Hummel. Blah blah blah, personal history, blah blah blah. There was an incident about yelling at a teacher, and another one about public intoxication, but it wasn't anything out of the ordinary. He tossed the folder onto the pile that had all the other run-of-the-mill high school delinquents in it. If his first pass didn't come up with anything, he'd start on those in the afternoon.
Finn Hudson looked guiltily at Xander as he hunched awkwardly on the wooden chair.
“If this is about the pot Mr. Schue found in my locker that one time, I swear it wasn't mine!”
Xander did a mental face-palm. This kid was super-lucky he wasn't a real cop. “I'm just going to go ahead and pretend you didn't tell me that, all right?” When Finn nodded gratefully at him, he continued. “But you were written up for walking around school in your boxers. Is this true?”
“To be fair, I had on a pair of glasses, too.”
“Can you tell me why you did that?” All of the stuff about underaged naked people was started to make Xander feel like a perv, but there were just enough magical cults that practiced witchcraft in the nude that he had to cover his bases. Besides, it was kind of weird how much time these kids spent undressed. He didn't get nearly that much action in high school.
“We were doing a production of Rocky Horror, and I just wanted to show everyone how comfortable I could be with my body.”
“That's . . . good for you, I guess,” Xander said. “So, it wasn't part of any sort of pagan ritual?”
“Ritual?” Finn asked, furrowing his brow.
“Like, a religious thing?”
“Oh, no,” Finn said. “I don't do religion any more. Not after that time I worshipped Grilled Cheesus.”
Xander opened his mouth to speak, but he decided to let that one slide. “Okay, well, thank you for your time.”
“I'm on the honor roll, you know,” Quinn Fabray said.
“That's nice,” Xander replied.
“I've heard about you, calling students down to interrogate them. Like it's the Inquisition or something. Some sort of witch hunt.”
He couldn't really argue with that. “I'm just trying to get to know the students, is all. Start a rapport, y'know?”
“Well, it's creepy,” Quinn replied.
Xander considered it. That was probably true. Oh, well. He had to gather intel somehow, and it's not like he was going to be sticking around long enough for anyone to get really weirded-out by him. This Quinn chick was smart, though. He was going to have to change tactics.
“Look,” he said, “I really called you down here because you're the Head Cheerleader, and I want to know what's up with Sue Sylvester.” It was the truth; there hadn't been anything suspicious in her file, but he needed more information about Sue. She certainly seemed like the type to assemble an army of the undead.
“What, besides the fact that she's the living embodiment of pure evil?” Quinn asked.
“Do you mean that figuratively or literally?” Xander realized immediately that that was a stupid question. They'd already defeated the First Evil.
Quinn quirked an eyebrow at him, and he realized that his question was stupid for an entirely different reason. “. . . Figuratively?” she said.
“Of course. Just a little joke.” Xander gave a nervous laugh and plowed on, hoping Quinn wouldn't notice that there was clearly no joke there. “But why is she so heinous?”
Quinn gave a bitter laugh. “I have no idea. I get it in Cheerios: she wants to win, and she'll stop at nothing to make sure that happens. But I don't know why she's so terrible outside of practice.” She paused. “Oh, God. This isn't one of her sting operations, is it? Are you wearing a wire?”
“No,” Xander said, “you're fine. Now, when you say she'll stop at nothing to make sure she wins . . . do you know if she ever uses, say, supernatural means?”
“I . . . don't know what you mean by that.”
“The occult?”
Quinn looked vaguely horrified. “Coach is an atheist, but that doesn't mean she worships the devil. What kind of sicko are you?”
Xander looked over Quinn's shoulder to see Buffy standing in the doorway trying to suppress her laughter. “Nevermind,” he said. “You can go.”
Quinn picked up her bag and rushed out of the room. Buffy came in and took her seat. “Wow, look at Special Agent Xander, rockin' the stealth interrogations.”
“Shut it,” Xander said, rubbing his temples. “I thought we weren't meeting until lunch.”
“I walked by a classroom and the choir was singing REO Speedwagon, and I needed to leave as quickly as possible,” Buffy said. “This place is insane. It took me a good hour to scrub the spray-painted mural of Sue Sylvester's face off the wall, even with Slayer strength, and then I have to spend the first twenty minutes of every period mopping up slushies.”
“Why?”
“They throw them at each other, Xander. And it's gotta hurt like a bitch to catch ice and sugar in the eyes. Kids were douchey when we were in high school, but damn.”
“Truth,” he replied. “But douche-y doesn't equal hell-raise-y.”
The bell rang for lunch. “Well, you want to go hunt down Willow?” Buffy asked.
“Yeah.”
They walked through the school until they came up on Willow's classroom. Willow stood outside, surveying the students as they hurried to their lockers.
“Hey,” she waved as Buffy and Xander strode up. “Any breaks in the juvies?”
“None,” Xander said. “How about with the smart kids?”
Willow shook her head. “It's like nobody knows how to rebel anymore. Also, I did the demon spell again during my prep period, and Sue Sylvester is still not evil.”
“Well, not demonic,” Buffy corrected. “Hey, what about Anne Rice, over there?” she asked, pointing to an Asian girl in a maroon and black gothic gown who was shutting her locker.
“Her?” Willow asked. “That's Tina Cohen-Chang. She's in my third hour honors chemistry. She's, like, the sweetest person ever. No way is she a zombie-raiser. And I'm offended that you automatically assume that just because some dresses somewhat . . . gothically, they have to be a magic-user.”
“Amy,” Buffy simply said.
“Michael,” Xander added.
“Okay, me?” Willow pointed at the fuzzy green sweater she was wearing.
“Remember when you were all evil? You were all about the black then . . .” Buffy said.
“Guys? The point,” Xander cut in. “Is it stereotyping? Yes, but it's also the best lead we have so far. Let's just wait until the halls clear and check her locker.” Willow opened her mouth to protest, but he stopped her. “We're not the U.S. Government, here, Will. We're looking to stop a potential apocalypse, not uphold the Constitution.”
Willow looked like she had some things to say about that, but they were interrupted by the sound of a body smashing into the lockers just a few feet away from them.
“Hey!” Xander shouted. The kid in the letterman jacket who had done the slamming didn't even bother to turn around.
“Hey!” Xander shouted again, and he quickly caught up to the kid and grabbed him by the arm.
“What're you--” the kid said, but he stopped when he looked up and saw that Xander was a) in a cop uniform and b) wearing a wicked bad-ass eyepatch. Apparently, the jock hadn't seen him standing in the hallway.
“You're coming with me, buddy,” Xander said. He looked back at Buffy and Willow. “Is the other kid there?”
“No, he disappeared on us,” Buffy said. One minute, the delicate-looking boy in the dress shirt and scarf had been pressed against the lockers, but after a throng of students passed in front of him, he was gone.
“Well, I'm going to have a chat with Mr. Body Check, here,” Xander said. “You guys should . . .”
“We're on it,” Buffy replied.
Xander pulled the jock kid back toward his office, and Buffy and Willow waited a few minutes until the halls were empty.
“I've got the master right here,” Buffy said, unhooking the giant ring of keys she'd gotten as part of her custodial job.
“I still don't feel good about this,” Willow said as they approached Tina Cohen-Chang's locker.
“Relax,” Buffy said, picking a small gold key off the ring and putting it in the lock. “You're probably right, and me and Xander are just being jerks.” She turned the key and opened the locker door.
It seemed pretty innocuous. A sweatshirt hung on one of the hooks. A few books were stacked on the top shelf.
But there was also a spice rack shoved into the back of the locker. The jars were labeled with words like “incense” and “wolfsbane” and “Hecate's bramble.”
Buffy and Willow looked at each other.
“Well,” Willow said, “I guess we've found our witch.
Author:lennoxave
Pairing,Character(s): BtVS: Buffy, Willow, Xander, Giles; Glee: Kurt, Tina, cameos from lots of others this chapter
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: 2,411
Spoilers: Glee: Through 2.06, "Never Been Kissed"; BtVS: The whole series, and very vague ones for the set-up of the Season 8 comics, but they're vague because I've only read the first trade of Season 8 :) (And the story has nothing to do with the plot of the comics)
Summary: The Scoobies get called from the U.K. to Lima, Ohio to search for a missing book on raising the dead. In what is surely a coincidence, Kurt misses his mother more than ever.
Author's Note: Takes place after Glee episode 2.05, but before episode 2.06 (however, it brings up some things that occur in 2.06). As for the Buffy timeline, uh . . . sometime after the series ended, but before the comics started? Probably not too long before the start of the comics. But, yeah, the Buffy timeline's not going to make any sense, but that's okay. :D
Part 1
Part 2
Xander started his day by looking through the files of students with disciplinary warnings on their records. The guidance counselor had been very concerned that he wanted access to those files, and possibly even more concerned that he was going to be touching those files.
She warned him to keep them all in alphabetical order.
He decided to start at the end of the alphabet, just to spite her.
“Hi, Lauren. Have a seat,” Xander said when Lauren Zizes knocked on his door. His office was small, but once he had shoved the desk into the corner, it had been able to accommodate an extra chair, which Lauren sat in now.
“Am I in trouble?” Lauren asked. “Because you can't prove I was the one who hung a security camera over Noah Puckerman's gym locker.”
Xander made a mental note to tell someone with actual authority at the school to do something about that. “No. I'm new here, and I just wanted to meet with the students who have . . . gotten into some trouble in the past. So we can start on good terms.”
Lauren just shot him a wary look. He sighed inwardly. He'd never been good with cover stories. “Anyway,” he said, “I found out in your file that you have some interest in the occult.”
“Oh, that?” Lauren snorted. “Just because you dress up like a vampire to impress one guy . . .”
“Wait, what?”
“I wanted Robert Pattinson to find out about me, so I put on a vampire costume and attacked Jacob Ben Israel.” She didn't even flinch at Xander's horrified expression. “Figgins flipped out about it. Not so much because there was blood everywhere, but because I think he thinks vampires are real. How crazy is that?”
“Uh, yeah,” Xander agreed unconvincingly. “Totally crazy. So, um, that's it? You aren't into, say, raising a zombie army to take over the earth?”
“Ew, no way,” Lauren made a face. “Zombies are gross.”
“Okay, great,” Xander said. “You can go.”
As Lauren got up to leave, he thought of something. “Uh, hold on a second.” He dug around in his briefcase until he found a vial of holy water. Thankfully, it wasn't marked with a cross, or else he'd probably lose his job before he'd even had a chance to do a proper investigation. He handed her the vial.
“Look, if you're ever hanging out with a vampire-loving guy and he gets too rough, smash this in his face, okay? It's . . .” Xander thought for a second. “. . . mace. That only works on people with very pointy teeth. And bumpy foreheads. Okay?”
Lauren looked at him like he was completely insane. “You've dated some crazy girls, haven't you?” she said.
Valid, but so not the point right now. “Just promise me you'll keep it.”
“Whatever.” Lauren rolled her eyes, but she pocketed the vial and then walked out.
Xander sighed and looked at the stack of files on his desk. One down, who knew how many to go.
* * *
Xander's day did not get any less stressful as he called more students out of class.
“So what? I pantsed somebody. It's not a crime, and I didn't even get in trouble for it.”
“I don't know that it's not a crime, actually, Ms. Lopez,” Xander said, “but that's not the only reason I wanted to talk to you.”
“Good. Because it totally wasn't a big deal. We're just friends. Good friends.”
“Right.” Xander had read the interviews the Watcher's Council had conducted during the Glory situation; he'd heard that line before. “So, your record also says that you get top grades in Spanish. Do you know how to read Latin, as well?”
Santana sat up straighter in her chair. “Oh, just because I'm a hot Latina means I know how to speak Latin all of a sudden?”
He was going to point out that nobody really speaks Latin anymore, but he thought better of it. This girl didn't seem like the magic-making type, anyway. “Forget it. You can go back to class.”
“Can you please explain to me why you were naked in the school library?”
“I'd . . . kind of rather not.”
“Just tell me: was it part of some sort of pagan ritual?”
“What? No! I'm Jewish; my mother would kill me if I was into that. It . . . had to do with Britney Spears making people hot and me spanking the love monkey, all right?”
“ . . . ”
“Officer Harris?”
“You can go if you promise me that you will never, ever say those words again.”
“Which words? Spanking the--”
“Go, Jacob!”
Xander scanned through another file, this one belonging to Kurt Hummel. Blah blah blah, personal history, blah blah blah. There was an incident about yelling at a teacher, and another one about public intoxication, but it wasn't anything out of the ordinary. He tossed the folder onto the pile that had all the other run-of-the-mill high school delinquents in it. If his first pass didn't come up with anything, he'd start on those in the afternoon.
Finn Hudson looked guiltily at Xander as he hunched awkwardly on the wooden chair.
“If this is about the pot Mr. Schue found in my locker that one time, I swear it wasn't mine!”
Xander did a mental face-palm. This kid was super-lucky he wasn't a real cop. “I'm just going to go ahead and pretend you didn't tell me that, all right?” When Finn nodded gratefully at him, he continued. “But you were written up for walking around school in your boxers. Is this true?”
“To be fair, I had on a pair of glasses, too.”
“Can you tell me why you did that?” All of the stuff about underaged naked people was started to make Xander feel like a perv, but there were just enough magical cults that practiced witchcraft in the nude that he had to cover his bases. Besides, it was kind of weird how much time these kids spent undressed. He didn't get nearly that much action in high school.
“We were doing a production of Rocky Horror, and I just wanted to show everyone how comfortable I could be with my body.”
“That's . . . good for you, I guess,” Xander said. “So, it wasn't part of any sort of pagan ritual?”
“Ritual?” Finn asked, furrowing his brow.
“Like, a religious thing?”
“Oh, no,” Finn said. “I don't do religion any more. Not after that time I worshipped Grilled Cheesus.”
Xander opened his mouth to speak, but he decided to let that one slide. “Okay, well, thank you for your time.”
“I'm on the honor roll, you know,” Quinn Fabray said.
“That's nice,” Xander replied.
“I've heard about you, calling students down to interrogate them. Like it's the Inquisition or something. Some sort of witch hunt.”
He couldn't really argue with that. “I'm just trying to get to know the students, is all. Start a rapport, y'know?”
“Well, it's creepy,” Quinn replied.
Xander considered it. That was probably true. Oh, well. He had to gather intel somehow, and it's not like he was going to be sticking around long enough for anyone to get really weirded-out by him. This Quinn chick was smart, though. He was going to have to change tactics.
“Look,” he said, “I really called you down here because you're the Head Cheerleader, and I want to know what's up with Sue Sylvester.” It was the truth; there hadn't been anything suspicious in her file, but he needed more information about Sue. She certainly seemed like the type to assemble an army of the undead.
“What, besides the fact that she's the living embodiment of pure evil?” Quinn asked.
“Do you mean that figuratively or literally?” Xander realized immediately that that was a stupid question. They'd already defeated the First Evil.
Quinn quirked an eyebrow at him, and he realized that his question was stupid for an entirely different reason. “. . . Figuratively?” she said.
“Of course. Just a little joke.” Xander gave a nervous laugh and plowed on, hoping Quinn wouldn't notice that there was clearly no joke there. “But why is she so heinous?”
Quinn gave a bitter laugh. “I have no idea. I get it in Cheerios: she wants to win, and she'll stop at nothing to make sure that happens. But I don't know why she's so terrible outside of practice.” She paused. “Oh, God. This isn't one of her sting operations, is it? Are you wearing a wire?”
“No,” Xander said, “you're fine. Now, when you say she'll stop at nothing to make sure she wins . . . do you know if she ever uses, say, supernatural means?”
“I . . . don't know what you mean by that.”
“The occult?”
Quinn looked vaguely horrified. “Coach is an atheist, but that doesn't mean she worships the devil. What kind of sicko are you?”
Xander looked over Quinn's shoulder to see Buffy standing in the doorway trying to suppress her laughter. “Nevermind,” he said. “You can go.”
Quinn picked up her bag and rushed out of the room. Buffy came in and took her seat. “Wow, look at Special Agent Xander, rockin' the stealth interrogations.”
“Shut it,” Xander said, rubbing his temples. “I thought we weren't meeting until lunch.”
“I walked by a classroom and the choir was singing REO Speedwagon, and I needed to leave as quickly as possible,” Buffy said. “This place is insane. It took me a good hour to scrub the spray-painted mural of Sue Sylvester's face off the wall, even with Slayer strength, and then I have to spend the first twenty minutes of every period mopping up slushies.”
“Why?”
“They throw them at each other, Xander. And it's gotta hurt like a bitch to catch ice and sugar in the eyes. Kids were douchey when we were in high school, but damn.”
“Truth,” he replied. “But douche-y doesn't equal hell-raise-y.”
The bell rang for lunch. “Well, you want to go hunt down Willow?” Buffy asked.
“Yeah.”
They walked through the school until they came up on Willow's classroom. Willow stood outside, surveying the students as they hurried to their lockers.
“Hey,” she waved as Buffy and Xander strode up. “Any breaks in the juvies?”
“None,” Xander said. “How about with the smart kids?”
Willow shook her head. “It's like nobody knows how to rebel anymore. Also, I did the demon spell again during my prep period, and Sue Sylvester is still not evil.”
“Well, not demonic,” Buffy corrected. “Hey, what about Anne Rice, over there?” she asked, pointing to an Asian girl in a maroon and black gothic gown who was shutting her locker.
“Her?” Willow asked. “That's Tina Cohen-Chang. She's in my third hour honors chemistry. She's, like, the sweetest person ever. No way is she a zombie-raiser. And I'm offended that you automatically assume that just because some dresses somewhat . . . gothically, they have to be a magic-user.”
“Amy,” Buffy simply said.
“Michael,” Xander added.
“Okay, me?” Willow pointed at the fuzzy green sweater she was wearing.
“Remember when you were all evil? You were all about the black then . . .” Buffy said.
“Guys? The point,” Xander cut in. “Is it stereotyping? Yes, but it's also the best lead we have so far. Let's just wait until the halls clear and check her locker.” Willow opened her mouth to protest, but he stopped her. “We're not the U.S. Government, here, Will. We're looking to stop a potential apocalypse, not uphold the Constitution.”
Willow looked like she had some things to say about that, but they were interrupted by the sound of a body smashing into the lockers just a few feet away from them.
“Hey!” Xander shouted. The kid in the letterman jacket who had done the slamming didn't even bother to turn around.
“Hey!” Xander shouted again, and he quickly caught up to the kid and grabbed him by the arm.
“What're you--” the kid said, but he stopped when he looked up and saw that Xander was a) in a cop uniform and b) wearing a wicked bad-ass eyepatch. Apparently, the jock hadn't seen him standing in the hallway.
“You're coming with me, buddy,” Xander said. He looked back at Buffy and Willow. “Is the other kid there?”
“No, he disappeared on us,” Buffy said. One minute, the delicate-looking boy in the dress shirt and scarf had been pressed against the lockers, but after a throng of students passed in front of him, he was gone.
“Well, I'm going to have a chat with Mr. Body Check, here,” Xander said. “You guys should . . .”
“We're on it,” Buffy replied.
Xander pulled the jock kid back toward his office, and Buffy and Willow waited a few minutes until the halls were empty.
“I've got the master right here,” Buffy said, unhooking the giant ring of keys she'd gotten as part of her custodial job.
“I still don't feel good about this,” Willow said as they approached Tina Cohen-Chang's locker.
“Relax,” Buffy said, picking a small gold key off the ring and putting it in the lock. “You're probably right, and me and Xander are just being jerks.” She turned the key and opened the locker door.
It seemed pretty innocuous. A sweatshirt hung on one of the hooks. A few books were stacked on the top shelf.
But there was also a spice rack shoved into the back of the locker. The jars were labeled with words like “incense” and “wolfsbane” and “Hecate's bramble.”
Buffy and Willow looked at each other.
“Well,” Willow said, “I guess we've found our witch.