Goblin Queen
Title: Goblin Queen
Author: lennoxave
Pairing,Character(s): Santana, Puck, and Brittany, some Brittana
Rating: PG-13 (Santana and Puck curse like sailors, y'all)
Word Count: 3,371
Spoilers: Some minor stuff mentioned in 2.01 "Audition"
Summary: Written for this prompt at the glee_fluff_meme . Basically, Britt gets lost in the sewers over the summer because she was kidnapped by the Goblin King. Santana (with an assist from Puck) goes to save her.
Author's Note: I . . . don't write crack. And yet, I just wrote crack. That gets a little angsty in the middle. I don't even know, you guys.
Goblin Queen
"I cannot believe I’m actually doing this," Santana Lopez said as she walked down the street with a duffel bag slung over her shoulder and a metal baseball bat in her left hand. "Like, seriously? Who the fuck does this shit happen to?"
"Yeah, I don’t get it, either," Puck said, twirling his nunchucks in a way that made Santana suspect that he had no idea how to actually use them.
"Why exactly are you coming with me, again?" she asked.
"I dunno. I just feel like you probably shouldn’t be wandering around in the sewers all by yourself."
"Look, douchebag, I’m Santana Mother-fucking Lopez; I can handle myself. If you’re trying to push all your unresolved daddy-protectiveness issues on me, you’ve picked the wrong bitch, all right?"
Puck jutted out his chin sullenly in response. Santana gave an exasperated sigh. She didn’t need Puck with her, but it seemed like some seriously weird shit was about to go down, and it wouldn’t hurt to have someone else by her side.
"Whatever. Can you just tell me what Jew-fro said again?"
Puck smirked a little bit. "Y’know, if I ever grew my hair out, I’d have a Jew-fro. I bet I could make that shit look sexy as hell."
"Puck?"
"Admit it--I’d look hot with a Jew-fro."
"No one looks hot with a Jew-fro."
"Admit it," Puck commanded.
Santana rolled her eyes. "Fine. Yes. Like a goddamn Playgirl model. Can we get back to the situation at hand?"
Puck grinned at his triumph. "Well, Ben-Israel showed up at my house this morning, and my mom let him in because he goes to our Temple. And he told me all about the Goblin King. Apparently, they’re related."
"I’m not surprised," Santana replied. "But what did he tell you about the Goblin King?"
"That Brittany had been busting some moves in the middle of the street and caught the Goblin King’s eye. He decided that she should be his queen and kidnapped her and took her to his kingdom in the sewers."
"That is the dumbest fucking thing I’ve ever heard in my life."
"Yeah, I know. I thought he’d gotten into the Chronic Lady or something until he did this crazy magic thing where he started glowing and shit. Goblin magic, I guess. And you did say Britt has been missing for two days."
"Yeah, but her parents said she was going to spend the month with her grandma. She must have gotten distracted along the way. Assuming all of this true and not some elaborate prank you’re pulling on me," Santana glared at Puck. "You know not to fuck with me, right?"
A flash of terror crossed Puck’s face. "Jesus, yes. I value my junk."
"Then why did Jacob Ben-Israel tell you about all of this? And why did he tell you, and not me?"
Puck shrugged. "There was a bunch of backstory I didn’t pay attention to, but I guess he’s got kicked out of the clan for drawing attention to their existence with his blog or something? And when he heard about Brittany, he thought he could get revenge? I don’t really know. But the reason he told me and not you?" Puck smirked. "I think he was afraid you’d shoot the messenger. And by shoot the messenger, I mean cut off the messenger’s dick."
"I would never cut off Jew-fro’s dick," Santana said. She made a face. "Mostly because I’d have to touch his dick to do it."
"The point is," Puck said laughing, "the kid who throws him in dumpsters is apparently less scary than the head bitch Cheerio." He abruptly stopped laughing and frowned. "I should probably work on that."
"You do that, Puckzilla," Santana said derisively. "Wait, the cross-streets we were looking for were Main Street and Vine, right?"
"Yeah."
"Then we’re here." Santana surveyed the streets. There was a man-hole cover in the middle of the road. She cringed when she realized that that was how they were going to have to get into the sewers.
"All right. Let’s show some mother-fuckin’ Goblins who’s boss!" Puck said as he pounded his fists together.
"Hang on, Speed Racer. I need to put on some gear, first." Santana put down her duffel bag and pulled out a pair of hip waders. Puck burst out laughing.
"What the hell are those?"
"Hip waders. You think I’m walking down there in a skirt and heels? Other people’s shit is down there." As she stepped into her waders, Puck looked down at his jeans and sneakers. He looked distressed.
"Where did you get those things, anyway?"
"I broke into the enviro science room and stole them," she said. She threw the duffel bag into a nearby set of bushes.
"That’s my girl," Puck said proudly. "Do you think we could go back and get another pair?"
"Not on your life," Santana said. "We’re getting Britt out of there as soon as possible." Puck pouted. "I’ll buy you another pair of crappy Walmart jeans and twenty-dollar shoes. Can we just do this?"
"Fine." Puck stuck his tongue out at Santana. They looked around for traffic and, after waiting for a car to pass, dashed out into the middle of the intersection. Puck quickly pulled off the manhole cover and got in.
"Oh my god, this is so rank," he said with disgust.
"Dude, just climb before I get hit by a car," Santana replied. Puck hastened his descent, and Santana soon followed, pulling the manhole cover over her head.
* * *
"This is fucking stupid," Santana said as she and Puck rounded a corner to find yet another dead end. Whoever had designed the Lima sewer system must have been high at the time. There were tunnels branching diagonally off from other tunnels, multiple levels connected by slime-covered ladders, and paths would just randomly come to a stop, either because of a brick wall or a drop-off into another level. The hand-drawn map Jacob Ben-Israel had given Puck wasn’t much help, either. They’d been wandering around for two hours and hadn’t found a damn thing yet.
"You can keep saying that all you want; it’s not actually going to help," Puck said as they turned around.
"It helps keep me from drowning you in the county’s collective piss supply," Santana hissed at him.
"Uh, yeah. Totally fucking stupid. Couldn’t agree more."
They took a tunnel to their right and walked down it for a few minutes before they heard something.
"Wait, what is that?" Puck whispered as he put a hand on Santana’s shoulder to stop her. They listened for a moment.
"It sounds like music," Santana said. "Let’s keep down this one."
The music did indeed get louder the further they traveled through the tunnel. After a few more minutes, they could make out the song.
"Oh, for fuck’s sake, is that Madonna?" Puck asked.
"Yeah, c’mon!" Santana grabbed Puck’s wrist and dragged him along as she broke into a sprint. They soon came to the end of the tunnel.
It opened into a large space, what Santana probably would have called a room if it weren’t for the fact that they were in a fucking sewer. There were lit torches everywhere, but it was still pretty dark, and the floor was covered in water (or . . . something), although it wasn’t very deep. In the middle of a circle of torches was a campfire. A large man sat by it. Well, he was man-shaped, at any rate; he looked more like a lumpy potato creature or something. Next to him sat a boom box that was playing "Ray of Light." And on the other side of the campfire was Brittany, dancing like a maniac.
Santana let out a feral growl as she went to jump out of the tunnel, but Puck caught her around the waste.
"San," he whispered, "I know you want to go all Braveheart to get your girl back, but we have the advantage of surprise here. Maybe we come up with a plan?"
Santana turned around and looked Puck in the eye. "Our plan is to go in there, fuck that dude up, and get Brittany out of here. How does that sound to you?"
Puck sighed. "Yeah, great fuckin’ plan. Let’s just do this shit." With that, they leapt into the Goblin King’s lair, Puck running toward the Goblin King and Santana running for Brittany.
"Hey, Goblin King! It’s too bad I’ve got an ace up my sleeve, isn’t it?" Puck yelled as he reached the Goblin King and began beating the creature with his nunchucks. Santana took the time to roll her eyes at his lame attempt at punning. They were definitely going to have to watch some Buffy when this was over, if only so Puck could work on his banter.
"C’mon, Britt," she said when she reached Brittany. "Let’s get out of here."
"San!" Brittany stopped dancing and gave Santana a hug. "I’m so glad you’re here. The Goblin King makes me dance all the time, and I love dancing, but I’m getting really tired and it’s so dirty in here--"
"Sweetie, I love you, but if you don’t stop talking and start moving, I am going to dunk your head in sewer water, all right?" That got Brittany to stop talking, and the two were turning to leave when a bright white light flashed on the other side of the room.
"Auugh!" Puck yelled as he hit the wall and was trapped there by what appeared to be ropes made of light. The Goblin King, the source of the light, apparently had not been hurt by Puck’s blows. Santana knew he didn’t really know how to use those things. She should’ve talked to Kurt. She had seen him twirling a baton one time; maybe he knew how to throw swords or something.
"WHO DARES ENTER THE REALM OF THE GOBLIN KING?" the Goblin King bellowed.
"Don’t worry, G.K.," Brittany replied happily. "It’s just my friend Santana! She’s going to take me back home."
"NOT SO FAST," the Goblin King bellowed again.
"Dude, I can hear you. Can you tone it down a hundred decibels?" Santana asked.
"THE GOBLIN KING CANNOT CONTROL THE VOLUME OF HIS OWN VOICE AND GETS VERY DEPRESSED WHEN PEOPLE COMMENT ON IT TO HIM."
"Whatever," Santana said, rolling her eyes. "Look, I’m taking Brittany back home with me, okay? She’s not made for the sewers."
"YOU CANNOT TAKE HER BACK. I WON’T ALLOW IT. I MUST HAVE MY QUEEN. YOU HAVE SEEN MY MAGIC. YOU KNOW WHAT I CAN DO."
"Well, why does it have to be Brittany? Why can’t it just be some rando chick off the street?"
"THE GOBLIN PEOPLE ARE A PEOPLE WHO VALUE MUSIC AND DANCE ABOVE ALL ELSE. I MUST HAVE A BRIDE WHO IS SKILLED IN THOSE PURSUITS."
"Awesome. I know this girl named Rachel Berry, I can just--"
"THE GOBLIN KING DOES NOT WANT RACHEL BERRY." The Goblin King looked very distressed. "THE GOBLIN KING CANNOT STAND BARBRA STREISAND. THE GOBLIN KING WANTS BRITTANY."
Santana looked at Britt for a second. She was all slimy and gross from being down here, but she looked just as beautiful as ever. And Santana knew that she could never last in the sewer for very long. She needed people too much.
"I’ll be your queen," Santana said quietly. Both Brittany and Puck looked at her in horror. "I’m almost as good a dancer, and I’m probably a better singer, and we both like all the same music. If you want a queen like Brittany, I’m probably your best bet."
The Goblin King thought about this for a second and looked Santana up and down in a way that made her shiver with disgust.
"NO," he finally replied. "YOUR BOOBS ARE NOT LARGE ENOUGH."
"What?!?" Santana yelped, outraged. "Excuse you, but my rack is bigger than Brittany’s!"
"BUT SHE MAKES IT WORK FOR HER."
Santana let out a scream of frustration. "All right. What if . . . what if I come back in a week with that problem taken care of? Can she go back then?"
"YES. I CAN WAIT TO MARRY UNTIL THEN."
"All right." Santana took Brittany by the shoulders. "Stay safe until I come back, okay?"
"Okay," Brittany said, but Santana wasn’t sure how much she understood the situation. Santana gave her a kiss on the cheek and began to walk out of the room. She stopped at the opening of the tunnel.
"Can I have him back?" she asked, pointing to where Puck was still trapped on the wall. "I use him for when I can’t have sex with Brittany." Looking slightly intrigued, the Goblin King allowed the ropes of light to disappear, and Puck fell to the ground. As soon as he gained his footing, he ran over to the tunnel.
"I guess I’ll see you next week," Santana said as she and Puck walked into the tunnel.
They had just gotten out of earshot of the room when Puck said, "If it helps, I think your boobs look--"
"It doesn’t," Santana cut him off. She sighed. "Do you know anywhere that’ll give a minor plastic surgery for cheap?"
"Babe," he said, putting an arm around her shoulders, "we live in Lima. We’re like the shady doctor capital of the world."
* * *
And that was how, one week later, Santana found herself standing in the sewer once again, this time with a new rack.
"You don’t have to go through with this," Puck said. "We can try to figure something else out."
"Puck, I can’t let her be stuck with that . . . thing," Santana said. "I just can’t. So, I’m going to go in there, I’m going to be fierce as hell, and I’m going to save Brittany."
"And fuck yourself over."
"Yes."
Puck looked at her sadly. "There’s nothing I can say to change your mind, is there?"
"No."
Puck rubbed his face with his hands. "Then good luck, okay?" He pulled Santana into a hug and Santana, figuring this might be the last time she’d ever see him, hugged back. "I’ll be waiting here for Brittany."
"Okay. Can you . . . look out for her? Make sure she stays out of trouble?" Santana groaned internally at how pathetic she sounded. Puck got that smart-ass smirk of his on his face, but for once in his life decided to be a gentleman.
"Yeah, I will. Now go save your girl, San."
Santana nodded and stepped into the Goblin King’s lair.
"Um, hello?" she called. She wasn’t really sure of the protocol for this situation.
"WELCOME BACK, MY LOVE. YOUR ENHANCEMENTS ARE MUCH TO MY LIKING." Santana shuddered at the Goblin King’s words. He really was a skeevy son-of-a-bitch. No wonder he and Jew-fro were related.
"Hey!" Brittany called. She ran up to Santana and gave her a hug. "What are you doing here?" She had apparently forgotten what happened last week. That didn’t surprise Santana.
"I’m, uh . . ." Santana tried to think of a way to break the news gently to Brittany. She couldn’t. "I’m gonna take your place here, all right? You’re going to go with Puck now, he’s waiting in the tunnel, and you’re going to go back home."
"And you’re going to stay here?" Brittany’s eyes went wide.
"Yes." God, this was hard.
"For me?" Brittany asked quietly.
"For you," Santana said, biting her lip to keep from crying. She hoped she wouldn’t have to explain anymore. Thankfully, this seemed to be one of those things that Brittany was able to instinctively understand. She leaned over and kissed Santana sweetly.
"I love you, San," she said.
"I love you, too," Santana answered. Brittany gave her one final hug before slowly and sadly leaving the room.
"WELL, NOW THAT THAT’S OVER, WHO WANTS TO GET DOWN TO JAY-Z?" asked the Goblin King cheerfully, despite the bellowing of his voice.
"Do I have a choice?" asked Santana.
"TECHNICALLY, YES. OUR MARRIAGE WILL NOT TAKE PLACE UNTIL THE STROKE OF MIDNIGHT TONIGHT. UNTIL THEN, WE ARE MERELY BETROTHED, AND THE ONLY CONTROL I HAVE OVER YOU IS TO BIND YOU TO THIS PLACE."
"Then I’m not dancing to one damn thing until midnight," Santana snapped, and she sat down to stare at the fire.
* * *
Santana took out her phone. It didn’t get any reception, obviously, but she could check the time. It was a quarter to midnight. She sighed. Fifteen more minutes of relative freedom.
It was then that she heard a commotion coming from the tunnel leading into the Goblin King’s lair.
"WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?" the Goblin King asked angrily. Santana was wondering the same thing. The sound got louder until finally Puck and Brittany appeared at the opening of the tunnel, pushing someone in front of them who they had bound and gagged.
Santana couldn’t help but grin. Her boy and her girl had come through. Then she looked a little closer at the person they had shoved into the room.
"You didn’t," she said out loud. It was Jesse St. James, all tied up with what appeared to be two balloons shoved down the front of his shirt.
"Hi, San! Hi, G.K.!" Brittany said. "We found a replacement bride, so we’ll just take Santana and go now."
"WAIT!" the Goblin King commanded. "HOW WILL I KNOW THAT THIS WOMAN IS TO MY LIKING? I WANT TO HEAR HER SPEAK."
"Oh, shit," Santana said under her breath. Puck looked like he had realized they were royally fucked, too. Still, he removed the handkerchief from Jesse’s mouth.
"I’m not a woman!" Jesse shouted right away. "I’m a man, and I’m leaving for L.A. in a few weeks, where I will thrill new audiences with my awesome performing powers, and I can’t do that if I’m stuck here." He glared at Puck.
"YOU BROUGHT ME A MAN?" asked the Goblin King.
"Yeah, okay, but he’s practically a girl," Puck said. "Do you see his hair? How pretty it is?"
"THAT IS TRUE," the Goblin King conceded.
"And," Puck said, "he’s a pretty kick-ass singer. What song did you guys do at Regionals?"
"‘Bohemian Rhapsody,’" Jesse answered, in spite of his situation.
"Yeah! He can rock the hell out of ‘Bohemian Rhapsody.’"
"I LOVE ‘BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY!’ BUT . . . HIS BOOBS AREN’T REAL, ARE THEY?"
"No," Brittany admitted. "But we could take them out for you?"
"NO," said the Goblin King, licking his lips lasciviously. "I LIKE HIM LIKE THIS. YOUR DEAL IS AGREEABLE TO ME. NOT-BRITTANY," he said to Santana, "YOU MAY GO."
"What?" Jesse cried indignantly. "You can’t do this to me! I’ll--"
"Fuck you, St. James," Puck said. "You deserve this."
"I REALLY LOVE QUEEN. DO YOU KNOW ‘ANOTHER ONE BITES THE DUST’?"
"He so does," Brittany answered. "And he’s got some sexy moves to go with it, too. Bye, Jesse!"
"I don’t--" he started to say, but the Goblin King was running his fingers through his hair.
"You’ll have what you always wanted, Jesse. A captive audience! Bye, now!" Santana said, and she hooked pinkies with Brittany as the two of them and Puck left the Goblin King’s lair.
"How the hell did you guys pull this shit off?" Santana asked as soon as they were in the tunnel.
"Well, once Puck explained to me what was going on," Santana shot Puck an apologetic look at Brittany’s statement, "I decided that we should find the best singer and dancer we knew to replace you! But it had to be someone we didn’t like, because the sewer is gross. That’s how I thought of Jesse St. James!"
"And then we kidnapped him," Puck finished. In a low voice, he whispered in Santana’s ear, "I didn’t think it had a chance in hell of working, but she looked so sad. I had to give it a shot."
Santana looked up at him. "Thanks," she said, but upon seeing his triumphant face, she amended her statement. "And stuff. Or whatever. Fuck you, Puckerman."
"Fuck you, too, Santana," Puck replied with a grin.
Author: lennoxave
Pairing,Character(s): Santana, Puck, and Brittany, some Brittana
Rating: PG-13 (Santana and Puck curse like sailors, y'all)
Word Count: 3,371
Spoilers: Some minor stuff mentioned in 2.01 "Audition"
Summary: Written for this prompt at the glee_fluff_meme . Basically, Britt gets lost in the sewers over the summer because she was kidnapped by the Goblin King. Santana (with an assist from Puck) goes to save her.
Author's Note: I . . . don't write crack. And yet, I just wrote crack. That gets a little angsty in the middle. I don't even know, you guys.
Goblin Queen
"I cannot believe I’m actually doing this," Santana Lopez said as she walked down the street with a duffel bag slung over her shoulder and a metal baseball bat in her left hand. "Like, seriously? Who the fuck does this shit happen to?"
"Yeah, I don’t get it, either," Puck said, twirling his nunchucks in a way that made Santana suspect that he had no idea how to actually use them.
"Why exactly are you coming with me, again?" she asked.
"I dunno. I just feel like you probably shouldn’t be wandering around in the sewers all by yourself."
"Look, douchebag, I’m Santana Mother-fucking Lopez; I can handle myself. If you’re trying to push all your unresolved daddy-protectiveness issues on me, you’ve picked the wrong bitch, all right?"
Puck jutted out his chin sullenly in response. Santana gave an exasperated sigh. She didn’t need Puck with her, but it seemed like some seriously weird shit was about to go down, and it wouldn’t hurt to have someone else by her side.
"Whatever. Can you just tell me what Jew-fro said again?"
Puck smirked a little bit. "Y’know, if I ever grew my hair out, I’d have a Jew-fro. I bet I could make that shit look sexy as hell."
"Puck?"
"Admit it--I’d look hot with a Jew-fro."
"No one looks hot with a Jew-fro."
"Admit it," Puck commanded.
Santana rolled her eyes. "Fine. Yes. Like a goddamn Playgirl model. Can we get back to the situation at hand?"
Puck grinned at his triumph. "Well, Ben-Israel showed up at my house this morning, and my mom let him in because he goes to our Temple. And he told me all about the Goblin King. Apparently, they’re related."
"I’m not surprised," Santana replied. "But what did he tell you about the Goblin King?"
"That Brittany had been busting some moves in the middle of the street and caught the Goblin King’s eye. He decided that she should be his queen and kidnapped her and took her to his kingdom in the sewers."
"That is the dumbest fucking thing I’ve ever heard in my life."
"Yeah, I know. I thought he’d gotten into the Chronic Lady or something until he did this crazy magic thing where he started glowing and shit. Goblin magic, I guess. And you did say Britt has been missing for two days."
"Yeah, but her parents said she was going to spend the month with her grandma. She must have gotten distracted along the way. Assuming all of this true and not some elaborate prank you’re pulling on me," Santana glared at Puck. "You know not to fuck with me, right?"
A flash of terror crossed Puck’s face. "Jesus, yes. I value my junk."
"Then why did Jacob Ben-Israel tell you about all of this? And why did he tell you, and not me?"
Puck shrugged. "There was a bunch of backstory I didn’t pay attention to, but I guess he’s got kicked out of the clan for drawing attention to their existence with his blog or something? And when he heard about Brittany, he thought he could get revenge? I don’t really know. But the reason he told me and not you?" Puck smirked. "I think he was afraid you’d shoot the messenger. And by shoot the messenger, I mean cut off the messenger’s dick."
"I would never cut off Jew-fro’s dick," Santana said. She made a face. "Mostly because I’d have to touch his dick to do it."
"The point is," Puck said laughing, "the kid who throws him in dumpsters is apparently less scary than the head bitch Cheerio." He abruptly stopped laughing and frowned. "I should probably work on that."
"You do that, Puckzilla," Santana said derisively. "Wait, the cross-streets we were looking for were Main Street and Vine, right?"
"Yeah."
"Then we’re here." Santana surveyed the streets. There was a man-hole cover in the middle of the road. She cringed when she realized that that was how they were going to have to get into the sewers.
"All right. Let’s show some mother-fuckin’ Goblins who’s boss!" Puck said as he pounded his fists together.
"Hang on, Speed Racer. I need to put on some gear, first." Santana put down her duffel bag and pulled out a pair of hip waders. Puck burst out laughing.
"What the hell are those?"
"Hip waders. You think I’m walking down there in a skirt and heels? Other people’s shit is down there." As she stepped into her waders, Puck looked down at his jeans and sneakers. He looked distressed.
"Where did you get those things, anyway?"
"I broke into the enviro science room and stole them," she said. She threw the duffel bag into a nearby set of bushes.
"That’s my girl," Puck said proudly. "Do you think we could go back and get another pair?"
"Not on your life," Santana said. "We’re getting Britt out of there as soon as possible." Puck pouted. "I’ll buy you another pair of crappy Walmart jeans and twenty-dollar shoes. Can we just do this?"
"Fine." Puck stuck his tongue out at Santana. They looked around for traffic and, after waiting for a car to pass, dashed out into the middle of the intersection. Puck quickly pulled off the manhole cover and got in.
"Oh my god, this is so rank," he said with disgust.
"Dude, just climb before I get hit by a car," Santana replied. Puck hastened his descent, and Santana soon followed, pulling the manhole cover over her head.
* * *
"This is fucking stupid," Santana said as she and Puck rounded a corner to find yet another dead end. Whoever had designed the Lima sewer system must have been high at the time. There were tunnels branching diagonally off from other tunnels, multiple levels connected by slime-covered ladders, and paths would just randomly come to a stop, either because of a brick wall or a drop-off into another level. The hand-drawn map Jacob Ben-Israel had given Puck wasn’t much help, either. They’d been wandering around for two hours and hadn’t found a damn thing yet.
"You can keep saying that all you want; it’s not actually going to help," Puck said as they turned around.
"It helps keep me from drowning you in the county’s collective piss supply," Santana hissed at him.
"Uh, yeah. Totally fucking stupid. Couldn’t agree more."
They took a tunnel to their right and walked down it for a few minutes before they heard something.
"Wait, what is that?" Puck whispered as he put a hand on Santana’s shoulder to stop her. They listened for a moment.
"It sounds like music," Santana said. "Let’s keep down this one."
The music did indeed get louder the further they traveled through the tunnel. After a few more minutes, they could make out the song.
"Oh, for fuck’s sake, is that Madonna?" Puck asked.
"Yeah, c’mon!" Santana grabbed Puck’s wrist and dragged him along as she broke into a sprint. They soon came to the end of the tunnel.
It opened into a large space, what Santana probably would have called a room if it weren’t for the fact that they were in a fucking sewer. There were lit torches everywhere, but it was still pretty dark, and the floor was covered in water (or . . . something), although it wasn’t very deep. In the middle of a circle of torches was a campfire. A large man sat by it. Well, he was man-shaped, at any rate; he looked more like a lumpy potato creature or something. Next to him sat a boom box that was playing "Ray of Light." And on the other side of the campfire was Brittany, dancing like a maniac.
Santana let out a feral growl as she went to jump out of the tunnel, but Puck caught her around the waste.
"San," he whispered, "I know you want to go all Braveheart to get your girl back, but we have the advantage of surprise here. Maybe we come up with a plan?"
Santana turned around and looked Puck in the eye. "Our plan is to go in there, fuck that dude up, and get Brittany out of here. How does that sound to you?"
Puck sighed. "Yeah, great fuckin’ plan. Let’s just do this shit." With that, they leapt into the Goblin King’s lair, Puck running toward the Goblin King and Santana running for Brittany.
"Hey, Goblin King! It’s too bad I’ve got an ace up my sleeve, isn’t it?" Puck yelled as he reached the Goblin King and began beating the creature with his nunchucks. Santana took the time to roll her eyes at his lame attempt at punning. They were definitely going to have to watch some Buffy when this was over, if only so Puck could work on his banter.
"C’mon, Britt," she said when she reached Brittany. "Let’s get out of here."
"San!" Brittany stopped dancing and gave Santana a hug. "I’m so glad you’re here. The Goblin King makes me dance all the time, and I love dancing, but I’m getting really tired and it’s so dirty in here--"
"Sweetie, I love you, but if you don’t stop talking and start moving, I am going to dunk your head in sewer water, all right?" That got Brittany to stop talking, and the two were turning to leave when a bright white light flashed on the other side of the room.
"Auugh!" Puck yelled as he hit the wall and was trapped there by what appeared to be ropes made of light. The Goblin King, the source of the light, apparently had not been hurt by Puck’s blows. Santana knew he didn’t really know how to use those things. She should’ve talked to Kurt. She had seen him twirling a baton one time; maybe he knew how to throw swords or something.
"WHO DARES ENTER THE REALM OF THE GOBLIN KING?" the Goblin King bellowed.
"Don’t worry, G.K.," Brittany replied happily. "It’s just my friend Santana! She’s going to take me back home."
"NOT SO FAST," the Goblin King bellowed again.
"Dude, I can hear you. Can you tone it down a hundred decibels?" Santana asked.
"THE GOBLIN KING CANNOT CONTROL THE VOLUME OF HIS OWN VOICE AND GETS VERY DEPRESSED WHEN PEOPLE COMMENT ON IT TO HIM."
"Whatever," Santana said, rolling her eyes. "Look, I’m taking Brittany back home with me, okay? She’s not made for the sewers."
"YOU CANNOT TAKE HER BACK. I WON’T ALLOW IT. I MUST HAVE MY QUEEN. YOU HAVE SEEN MY MAGIC. YOU KNOW WHAT I CAN DO."
"Well, why does it have to be Brittany? Why can’t it just be some rando chick off the street?"
"THE GOBLIN PEOPLE ARE A PEOPLE WHO VALUE MUSIC AND DANCE ABOVE ALL ELSE. I MUST HAVE A BRIDE WHO IS SKILLED IN THOSE PURSUITS."
"Awesome. I know this girl named Rachel Berry, I can just--"
"THE GOBLIN KING DOES NOT WANT RACHEL BERRY." The Goblin King looked very distressed. "THE GOBLIN KING CANNOT STAND BARBRA STREISAND. THE GOBLIN KING WANTS BRITTANY."
Santana looked at Britt for a second. She was all slimy and gross from being down here, but she looked just as beautiful as ever. And Santana knew that she could never last in the sewer for very long. She needed people too much.
"I’ll be your queen," Santana said quietly. Both Brittany and Puck looked at her in horror. "I’m almost as good a dancer, and I’m probably a better singer, and we both like all the same music. If you want a queen like Brittany, I’m probably your best bet."
The Goblin King thought about this for a second and looked Santana up and down in a way that made her shiver with disgust.
"NO," he finally replied. "YOUR BOOBS ARE NOT LARGE ENOUGH."
"What?!?" Santana yelped, outraged. "Excuse you, but my rack is bigger than Brittany’s!"
"BUT SHE MAKES IT WORK FOR HER."
Santana let out a scream of frustration. "All right. What if . . . what if I come back in a week with that problem taken care of? Can she go back then?"
"YES. I CAN WAIT TO MARRY UNTIL THEN."
"All right." Santana took Brittany by the shoulders. "Stay safe until I come back, okay?"
"Okay," Brittany said, but Santana wasn’t sure how much she understood the situation. Santana gave her a kiss on the cheek and began to walk out of the room. She stopped at the opening of the tunnel.
"Can I have him back?" she asked, pointing to where Puck was still trapped on the wall. "I use him for when I can’t have sex with Brittany." Looking slightly intrigued, the Goblin King allowed the ropes of light to disappear, and Puck fell to the ground. As soon as he gained his footing, he ran over to the tunnel.
"I guess I’ll see you next week," Santana said as she and Puck walked into the tunnel.
They had just gotten out of earshot of the room when Puck said, "If it helps, I think your boobs look--"
"It doesn’t," Santana cut him off. She sighed. "Do you know anywhere that’ll give a minor plastic surgery for cheap?"
"Babe," he said, putting an arm around her shoulders, "we live in Lima. We’re like the shady doctor capital of the world."
* * *
And that was how, one week later, Santana found herself standing in the sewer once again, this time with a new rack.
"You don’t have to go through with this," Puck said. "We can try to figure something else out."
"Puck, I can’t let her be stuck with that . . . thing," Santana said. "I just can’t. So, I’m going to go in there, I’m going to be fierce as hell, and I’m going to save Brittany."
"And fuck yourself over."
"Yes."
Puck looked at her sadly. "There’s nothing I can say to change your mind, is there?"
"No."
Puck rubbed his face with his hands. "Then good luck, okay?" He pulled Santana into a hug and Santana, figuring this might be the last time she’d ever see him, hugged back. "I’ll be waiting here for Brittany."
"Okay. Can you . . . look out for her? Make sure she stays out of trouble?" Santana groaned internally at how pathetic she sounded. Puck got that smart-ass smirk of his on his face, but for once in his life decided to be a gentleman.
"Yeah, I will. Now go save your girl, San."
Santana nodded and stepped into the Goblin King’s lair.
"Um, hello?" she called. She wasn’t really sure of the protocol for this situation.
"WELCOME BACK, MY LOVE. YOUR ENHANCEMENTS ARE MUCH TO MY LIKING." Santana shuddered at the Goblin King’s words. He really was a skeevy son-of-a-bitch. No wonder he and Jew-fro were related.
"Hey!" Brittany called. She ran up to Santana and gave her a hug. "What are you doing here?" She had apparently forgotten what happened last week. That didn’t surprise Santana.
"I’m, uh . . ." Santana tried to think of a way to break the news gently to Brittany. She couldn’t. "I’m gonna take your place here, all right? You’re going to go with Puck now, he’s waiting in the tunnel, and you’re going to go back home."
"And you’re going to stay here?" Brittany’s eyes went wide.
"Yes." God, this was hard.
"For me?" Brittany asked quietly.
"For you," Santana said, biting her lip to keep from crying. She hoped she wouldn’t have to explain anymore. Thankfully, this seemed to be one of those things that Brittany was able to instinctively understand. She leaned over and kissed Santana sweetly.
"I love you, San," she said.
"I love you, too," Santana answered. Brittany gave her one final hug before slowly and sadly leaving the room.
"WELL, NOW THAT THAT’S OVER, WHO WANTS TO GET DOWN TO JAY-Z?" asked the Goblin King cheerfully, despite the bellowing of his voice.
"Do I have a choice?" asked Santana.
"TECHNICALLY, YES. OUR MARRIAGE WILL NOT TAKE PLACE UNTIL THE STROKE OF MIDNIGHT TONIGHT. UNTIL THEN, WE ARE MERELY BETROTHED, AND THE ONLY CONTROL I HAVE OVER YOU IS TO BIND YOU TO THIS PLACE."
"Then I’m not dancing to one damn thing until midnight," Santana snapped, and she sat down to stare at the fire.
* * *
Santana took out her phone. It didn’t get any reception, obviously, but she could check the time. It was a quarter to midnight. She sighed. Fifteen more minutes of relative freedom.
It was then that she heard a commotion coming from the tunnel leading into the Goblin King’s lair.
"WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?" the Goblin King asked angrily. Santana was wondering the same thing. The sound got louder until finally Puck and Brittany appeared at the opening of the tunnel, pushing someone in front of them who they had bound and gagged.
Santana couldn’t help but grin. Her boy and her girl had come through. Then she looked a little closer at the person they had shoved into the room.
"You didn’t," she said out loud. It was Jesse St. James, all tied up with what appeared to be two balloons shoved down the front of his shirt.
"Hi, San! Hi, G.K.!" Brittany said. "We found a replacement bride, so we’ll just take Santana and go now."
"WAIT!" the Goblin King commanded. "HOW WILL I KNOW THAT THIS WOMAN IS TO MY LIKING? I WANT TO HEAR HER SPEAK."
"Oh, shit," Santana said under her breath. Puck looked like he had realized they were royally fucked, too. Still, he removed the handkerchief from Jesse’s mouth.
"I’m not a woman!" Jesse shouted right away. "I’m a man, and I’m leaving for L.A. in a few weeks, where I will thrill new audiences with my awesome performing powers, and I can’t do that if I’m stuck here." He glared at Puck.
"YOU BROUGHT ME A MAN?" asked the Goblin King.
"Yeah, okay, but he’s practically a girl," Puck said. "Do you see his hair? How pretty it is?"
"THAT IS TRUE," the Goblin King conceded.
"And," Puck said, "he’s a pretty kick-ass singer. What song did you guys do at Regionals?"
"‘Bohemian Rhapsody,’" Jesse answered, in spite of his situation.
"Yeah! He can rock the hell out of ‘Bohemian Rhapsody.’"
"I LOVE ‘BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY!’ BUT . . . HIS BOOBS AREN’T REAL, ARE THEY?"
"No," Brittany admitted. "But we could take them out for you?"
"NO," said the Goblin King, licking his lips lasciviously. "I LIKE HIM LIKE THIS. YOUR DEAL IS AGREEABLE TO ME. NOT-BRITTANY," he said to Santana, "YOU MAY GO."
"What?" Jesse cried indignantly. "You can’t do this to me! I’ll--"
"Fuck you, St. James," Puck said. "You deserve this."
"I REALLY LOVE QUEEN. DO YOU KNOW ‘ANOTHER ONE BITES THE DUST’?"
"He so does," Brittany answered. "And he’s got some sexy moves to go with it, too. Bye, Jesse!"
"I don’t--" he started to say, but the Goblin King was running his fingers through his hair.
"You’ll have what you always wanted, Jesse. A captive audience! Bye, now!" Santana said, and she hooked pinkies with Brittany as the two of them and Puck left the Goblin King’s lair.
"How the hell did you guys pull this shit off?" Santana asked as soon as they were in the tunnel.
"Well, once Puck explained to me what was going on," Santana shot Puck an apologetic look at Brittany’s statement, "I decided that we should find the best singer and dancer we knew to replace you! But it had to be someone we didn’t like, because the sewer is gross. That’s how I thought of Jesse St. James!"
"And then we kidnapped him," Puck finished. In a low voice, he whispered in Santana’s ear, "I didn’t think it had a chance in hell of working, but she looked so sad. I had to give it a shot."
Santana looked up at him. "Thanks," she said, but upon seeing his triumphant face, she amended her statement. "And stuff. Or whatever. Fuck you, Puckerman."
"Fuck you, too, Santana," Puck replied with a grin.