On internet dating, and real life.
Whoa... I'm writing an entry... can you believe it? Well, I guess it's more of an essay... Anyhow, read on, won't you?
Until recently, I had been out of the internet-dating loop for many a year - having been encased in a world of sex, drugs, and rock 'n' roll with my (now) ex-boyfriend. After the practically-married era of my life ended, I resurrected my old accounts and began seeking partnership (and an escape from boredom) once more from the exciting world of online-dating.
As I began using the internet as a means to find people to pass the time with, I created for myself an internet-dating-persona that is not wholly unlike my real-life self, but not exactly the same as such. On the internet, I am only represented by a mere fraction of my multiple personalities, creating an identity that, while being entirely truthful, is not complete. At the time, this seemed perfectly normal; everyone does it. My photos are all fantastic. I say straight out that I am the perfect woman, and that I am good at everything (which may seem like it is not true, but is in fact my actual opinion of myself). On the internet I am perfect; beautiful, talented, brilliant, and looking for a date, whereas in real-life, I am not quite so one-dimensional.
Now this is all well and good in a world of anonymity. When you aren't going to run into someone you know, you can present yourself in a fashion that suits your needs, and not feel silly about it, and not worry what your friends will think about the strangely narcissistic attitude you have been restraining, to some degree, in their presence lo these many years. It's OK to be a corny cheese-ball when no one you know will ever find out, and I used that to my advantage to create a secret identity that is charming enough to attract interesting people (whom one can only assume would forget the silly profile after real-life meetings), but would generate no end of horrible jokes at my expense if my friends were to pick it apart (I mean honestly, even vaguely provocative photos can lead to years of teasing by adequately clever friends).
So anyway, my internet-dating persona works - I met a few people, went on some dates. You know how it goes. Then, I met someone who works for a site I was using. I started seeing him, and, after alienating numerous people in bars, parks, and various other public places with our lewd and licentious behavior, was introduced to some of his colleagues, and even attended a company happy hour. Thinking nothing of it, I continued to use the site as I had before, believing I had retained the anonymity I once possessed.
One day recently I uploaded a photo of myself in something that can scarcely be considered a dress. This is when things got weird. I noticed that some of the people looking at my profile were familiar, and then realized they also worked for the site.
All of a sudden my world is crashing down. My narcissistic internet persona is colliding with my real-life personality. This is not good. All of the things that people who know me in real life don't need to see, are being seen by people I only vaguely know in real life, and am not trying to sleep with. I start to wonder - is this really what I want people to think of me? Am I OK with people seeing the pictures, and reading the strange, blatantly vague profile that I have attached to my internet-dating-persona, and thus assuming that is the same girl the saw the day before? Can I bridge the gap? I'm feeling like George Costanza - I don't know what will happen to real-life Leah when confronted with internet-dating Leah. What's a girl to do?
Most people would probably assume that real-life Leah would win, and internet-dating Leah would fade away never to be seen again. Alas, I am not so confident. The real problem in all of this is that real-life Leah is extremely socially awkward. I'm not good at meeting several new people at once, and striking up meaningful conversations with all of them right away. Instead, I just watch from the background, and therefore come across as either a huge bitch, or just a silly little girl without a brain. With this particular guy, I have met more people (his friends and colleagues) than I can even begin to name, and, for the most part, have likely given the impression that I am simply arm candy, and have no real opinion, nor even capacity to think. This is unfortunate mostly because if you meet the socially inept version of myself, and see my profile, they sort of coincide. This is not something that would normally worry me (and other than for the purposes of this little essay, it doesn't honestly worry me) considering the fact that people who see my profile, that I do not want to sleep with generally never meet me in real life. This seems to be a precarious situation. Changing my profile, or taking down the more ridiculous photos (effectively killing internet-dating Leah) would be like admitting defeat. But defeat at the hands of what? I'm not even sure. Where does this leave me? Probably right where I started, and with no real place to go.
In the end, I am positive that I have given this far more thought than any other human being on the planet, and cannot even imagine that this has occurred to any of the people I have been acquainted with, or that they even read my profile. In reality, I am not of any consequence to any of them (although, given my narcissism, it's hard for me to truly believe that there are people in the world who aren't infatuated with me). I suppose I should look more closely into what I present myself as, and why, but I won't. I will continue to post photos of myself in fabulous outfits, and write only about my most flattering qualities in a glaringly egotistical fashion. I can only hope that those who don't fall in love with me immediately (which is a decidedly small percent of those who are given the chance), will see past the hype.
-kitten =^_^=
Until recently, I had been out of the internet-dating loop for many a year - having been encased in a world of sex, drugs, and rock 'n' roll with my (now) ex-boyfriend. After the practically-married era of my life ended, I resurrected my old accounts and began seeking partnership (and an escape from boredom) once more from the exciting world of online-dating.
As I began using the internet as a means to find people to pass the time with, I created for myself an internet-dating-persona that is not wholly unlike my real-life self, but not exactly the same as such. On the internet, I am only represented by a mere fraction of my multiple personalities, creating an identity that, while being entirely truthful, is not complete. At the time, this seemed perfectly normal; everyone does it. My photos are all fantastic. I say straight out that I am the perfect woman, and that I am good at everything (which may seem like it is not true, but is in fact my actual opinion of myself). On the internet I am perfect; beautiful, talented, brilliant, and looking for a date, whereas in real-life, I am not quite so one-dimensional.
Now this is all well and good in a world of anonymity. When you aren't going to run into someone you know, you can present yourself in a fashion that suits your needs, and not feel silly about it, and not worry what your friends will think about the strangely narcissistic attitude you have been restraining, to some degree, in their presence lo these many years. It's OK to be a corny cheese-ball when no one you know will ever find out, and I used that to my advantage to create a secret identity that is charming enough to attract interesting people (whom one can only assume would forget the silly profile after real-life meetings), but would generate no end of horrible jokes at my expense if my friends were to pick it apart (I mean honestly, even vaguely provocative photos can lead to years of teasing by adequately clever friends).
So anyway, my internet-dating persona works - I met a few people, went on some dates. You know how it goes. Then, I met someone who works for a site I was using. I started seeing him, and, after alienating numerous people in bars, parks, and various other public places with our lewd and licentious behavior, was introduced to some of his colleagues, and even attended a company happy hour. Thinking nothing of it, I continued to use the site as I had before, believing I had retained the anonymity I once possessed.
One day recently I uploaded a photo of myself in something that can scarcely be considered a dress. This is when things got weird. I noticed that some of the people looking at my profile were familiar, and then realized they also worked for the site.
All of a sudden my world is crashing down. My narcissistic internet persona is colliding with my real-life personality. This is not good. All of the things that people who know me in real life don't need to see, are being seen by people I only vaguely know in real life, and am not trying to sleep with. I start to wonder - is this really what I want people to think of me? Am I OK with people seeing the pictures, and reading the strange, blatantly vague profile that I have attached to my internet-dating-persona, and thus assuming that is the same girl the saw the day before? Can I bridge the gap? I'm feeling like George Costanza - I don't know what will happen to real-life Leah when confronted with internet-dating Leah. What's a girl to do?
Most people would probably assume that real-life Leah would win, and internet-dating Leah would fade away never to be seen again. Alas, I am not so confident. The real problem in all of this is that real-life Leah is extremely socially awkward. I'm not good at meeting several new people at once, and striking up meaningful conversations with all of them right away. Instead, I just watch from the background, and therefore come across as either a huge bitch, or just a silly little girl without a brain. With this particular guy, I have met more people (his friends and colleagues) than I can even begin to name, and, for the most part, have likely given the impression that I am simply arm candy, and have no real opinion, nor even capacity to think. This is unfortunate mostly because if you meet the socially inept version of myself, and see my profile, they sort of coincide. This is not something that would normally worry me (and other than for the purposes of this little essay, it doesn't honestly worry me) considering the fact that people who see my profile, that I do not want to sleep with generally never meet me in real life. This seems to be a precarious situation. Changing my profile, or taking down the more ridiculous photos (effectively killing internet-dating Leah) would be like admitting defeat. But defeat at the hands of what? I'm not even sure. Where does this leave me? Probably right where I started, and with no real place to go.
In the end, I am positive that I have given this far more thought than any other human being on the planet, and cannot even imagine that this has occurred to any of the people I have been acquainted with, or that they even read my profile. In reality, I am not of any consequence to any of them (although, given my narcissism, it's hard for me to truly believe that there are people in the world who aren't infatuated with me). I suppose I should look more closely into what I present myself as, and why, but I won't. I will continue to post photos of myself in fabulous outfits, and write only about my most flattering qualities in a glaringly egotistical fashion. I can only hope that those who don't fall in love with me immediately (which is a decidedly small percent of those who are given the chance), will see past the hype.
-kitten =^_^=