Lacking in Faith?
First, I am pms-ing on the verge of normal ms-ing which accounts for all the emo thoughts.
So, here is the depressing thought of today:
I told Joe I wanted a program for my birthday but everytime I ask him how it's going he goes "I don't know what you want."
I tell him every time "I want you to make me something that reflects on what you think or feel about me."
There is a month left until my birthday and deep in my heart I know he hasn't worked on anything or tried for anything. I told him I wasn't going to accept anything else from him but the program.
I'm fretting over a possible future, I know. But what can I say?
I gave him this assignment for two reasons:
1) To keep him programming so he doesn't lose any skills so he'll stay employable as well as have a sample project to show potential employers
2) Because I need something that says "I love you" or "I think about you as a human" because he can declare his affections all he wants but I want to know that he knows me. The last boy didn't 100% and I know Joe has only known me for a year but we talk every day, play online at least five days a week. And I'm 2k miles away...my emotional needs are greater right now than ever.
So do these depressing thoughts mean I don't have faith in him? That I don't think he understands that the effort he puts in will show me how he feels? If he makes it the night before and it's solitaire or something useless to me and showing no thought, does he understand that he'll have to do something really spectacular to keep me? If it showed he thought about me and was useful to me and said "Hey I think about your needs" then, even if it was made the night before, it would be wonderful.
I'm worried he doesn't understand. I like to hope that's unfounded but when I say "Joe have you thought of anything" and he says "Just tell me what you want"...
Anyways, sorry again for the emo entry. I'll try to post something happy once my moon has set.