Emails, condensed
I am having a bit of trouble harnessing my thoughts, there's a lot in my head. So I am putting, for posterity and future musing, emails again. But cut, and all together. :)
ps. if there seem to be "random Js" spread about, it's just that apparently when I copy over a smiley that's how it appears in text. I have tried to edit them out, but I may have missed a couple. :P
12-11 - Furthering my comment upon leaving…
I have SO much to say. Obviously, since I can’t even shut up long enough for you to get a word in today, eh? But I can never have the words ready when the opportunity to write presents. Either there are people around, or the amount of time I will have is too constricted and I can’t form the words fast enough.
OR
I have the words all ready, and the time and space to write, and I start self-editing. By which I mean I rethink putting said thought to paper, as perhaps they are… too… raw? No, that’s not the word, but it will do. Telling? Revealing? Closer. I fear my words and what they may say of me. Yah, there we go. I fear putting down words that to me seems innocuous enough on first read but truly are dangerous. No, that’s not quite the right one there. (see here is my brain processing without the backspace key… ) Dangerous as in not safe as in they say something more than I intend. Not that I wish to hide, especially in correspondence to you (what would be the point, eh?) but… erhm… (this is probably much what a transcript of my phone messages would look like too, right?)
Ok, trying from a different angle. We both know I think ever so highly of myself, my actions, my thoughts, feelings, intentions, etc., right? Okay, so when I get to really writing what’s really in my head not just the superficial trying to dig deeper but once the deeper is reached I feel BAD WRONG EVIL UNFIT WRONG WRONG WRONG. I know that your job isn’t to like me, but I personally think it helps, and I really truly feel (and it’s gonna take a lot of convincing because you know I ain’t listenin’) that if I say/write what’s deep there I am at my core UNLIKEABLE AND BAD and therefore that is what I wish to hide bury pretend doesn’t exist.
But that’s the stuff that I’m sure would be most useful to dredge up, eh?
So voila the more superficial crap I have to spout and the more time I have to spout it in, the greater volume of malarkey you get. And the more forwarded stuff. But the more superficial there is usually is a grand indicator of how much ugliness lies below.
And then there’s the (unduplicable on this computer thanks to spell check) no caps no punctuation run-on sentence from hell that looks and probably sounds like it was written by a precocious toddler because that’s all I can manage and get it out get it out purge the filth I’m going to whine boo hoo woe is me that you get. That’s desperation. I hate myself most when you get that. I have reached the point of such disillusion that I have gotten beyond the “gee I hope she likes me” filter on my brain and just DON’T CARE anymore. That’s the “gee don’t let LB get behind the wheel/near the sharp things because who knows if she has any self-preservation left” stage of destruction.
But hey, maybe those emails have merit, who knows? So I hit send and pretend I didn’t.
Case in point, referring back to a few line breaks ago - that last sentence with the pretty little “”? DANGEROUS. Because it’s half mouthing off, and half true. But not all true. I do (I think) always have enough self preservation to stay away from the sharp things, at least on a full ex-sanguination level. But to put that in print makes me nervous. One to admit it, and two for you to see it. Don’t want to worry you (hence this disclaimer bit) and also don’t want there to be any consequence of it (lock up, drugs, confrontation about it).
All right, enough of this. I’ve said my piece, and then some.
Just one more thing. Trying to wrap my brain around this. Can’t even remember the actual phrasing/words you used, which is half the issue (dang I wish I had better retention/memory skills). You said something to the effect of “I done real good” today, and… Why? What was so splendid from today? I feel awful! I feel I said some really off the wall WTF things (unicorns into tears!?) and I feel I maligned R even more than usual. Yet I am holding the words as a pup treasures being told “Good boy” because I hope it’s true even if I don’t’ understand why.
TTFN.
12-13
Today is the holiday party. Had I mentioned this fiasco? Well, I will now, and if I am repeating myself… J
The secretaries decided that we should have a staff holiday party, that we all chip in a few bucks and a dish (which was poorly phrased, it looked as is it was an either not a both options deal). At first it sounded pretty voluntary, but the pressure was on. I said I didn’t want to participate. Weeks ago I said this, and I said it nicely. Sweetly, kindly. Then they kept bugging me. So my responses got a bit more abrupt. My take? Respect should come from both sides, you ignore my wishes, I ignore the need to be nice to you. It came to a head on Monday, when D mentioned to me that neither R or I had turned in our sheets with what we were bringing. So I got fed up, wrote one out for both of us (I knew R was cooking his chicken) and put myself down for dates because it was the only thing I could think of. Then she asked for the money, and I snapped at her that she’d have to bother R for that, if he had it, because I sure as hell didn’t. Then on Tuesday, as I am trapped in a meeting with M , D walks by and says “I have Dew for you!” to which I perked up and said “where?” And she laughed and said she meant for today! So I turned to M and said “M , D is trying to bribe me to go to her stupid party” loud enough for D to hear it. Yah, maybe I shouldn’t have said it, but honestly! So D of course was hurt or angry or something and hasn’t spoken to me since. (except for two seconds bitterly when “I” got very excited about the musical stuffed dog in the front office and she said “Well I am glad something can make you happy.”)
L, my coworker, and I had had a couple conversations about social phobia/dislike/obligation issues, in which we discussed the “have to do it” factor of events, and I tried to explain to her that it’s more than “do not want” it’s “can not do but really wish I could” which she partially got but not entirely (probably because I can’t find the right words with her either! ;p). She didn’t want to go to this thing either, by the way. But we agreed we would both go.
So we get to today. I didn’t do the dates because R had dessert things he got from Elijah’s Promise and we decided that could be my contribution. L sees me and reminds me of our agreement. At a little after noon I go down to the designated room, where most everyone has already gotten there and has food. And it’s just too crowded. R tries to be helpful and tell me what is there that may be edible for me (he was wrong, by the way, but gets credit for trying), and L has saved me a seat (which wasn’t near R , so awkward). I get a couple of meatballs and a biscuit and a cup of the bribery Dew, and… Feel like I will burst in to tears if I am there one second longer. So I walk past L, tell her I can’t stay, and leave. Which R had expected and even suggested. But then he follows me out, which really bothered me because A. it calls attention to my leaving and B. I was near tears, why the fuck would I want him around?! I get to my office, have only time to set the plate down before R is knocking to find out if I’m ok (duh, what do you think? “Yes, I’m fine”)
RAWR!
But the good, it’s over now I think, no one else has come to bug me, and we get to go home soon because of the snow. If only we had brought the DVD for R to exchange so he would have something to do besides bug me when we get home. If only we had $$ in the bank so we could just buy him another right out. If only… If only I could shut up. J
WHINE WHINE WHINE
12-19
I either shake or cry. Or both, if shaking it off doesn’t work.
A local cat that sometimes visits us was in the middle of the road this morn. Not a good way to start my day off. And we didn’t even have time to move him out of the road. I should have made time. I can’t stop thinking about him. Please let him be gone or at least out of the road and not flat when we go home tonight.
I finally got around to calling the pharmacy to see if by off chance of luck they’d gotten permission to fill my ‘script. More of a double checking that I had to call the doctor myself and beg. But lo and behold they say it’s ready. And they were going to tell me this when!? Tomorrow when it would be too late to start it this month? I am just glad it’s there and hopefully I’ll remember we have to stop and get it. Oh, no problem there, R has a ‘script in so he won’t forget his. LOL
Small whine. I can’t help but get things for R when I see them, especially at this time of year. Assuage my guilt tangibly I suppose. So yesterday I had to swing by Wal-Mart to try to find tights (yes, imperative), and since he’s been complaining of needing new pants since September (semi-valid, he had dress pants but wants more comfortable ones that can be work/play versatile) I looked to see if any were on clearance/sale. They also had a superhero t-shirt for cheap, so I picked it up, figuring I could give it to him in FL for Xmas and he’d be happy. Oh, and for the record, did not get any of the way neat-o happy bunny and/or grumpy holiday shirts for myself, as I was chastised against frivolous purchases (I agree, and I’d like to think I would have refrained from purchase even without an inner censor). So I get home with the bag of stuff, and meant to pull out the pants, but of course the shirt becomes visible too, and R sees it. So I hand it over, with the joking comment that he’s not going to get anything under the tree. Not one word about anything for me. Which is probably a good thing, because you know how I like gifts (ha-ha), and money’s kind of tight, but not even an apology? Or his prior holiday complaint of he never gets the car so he could get me something? When we were at Build-A-Bear making gifts, he didn’t even suggest I make one for me (which I would have naysayed anyway, but…) as he has in the past. I think I have completely dropped of his radar as anything but a servant and caretaker (including special duties of course). Sad but true. And no, I will not mention this whine to him. I think he may have dropped of my radar as anything but a husband. *sigh*
My frustration level just increased exponentially, which is frustrating in and of itself. Stupid fire drill, making me lose my thoughts. Because I had already moved off the previous words to something new, but I don’t know what.
I am in whiny mode today, aren’t I? I am thinking there is no way we’ll be ready to leave after R speaks to K (by phone to save time, his choice) on Friday. But we’ll leave anyway. LOL
I am going to (try to) shut up now, as I feel nothing I have to say is useful or productive.
12-20
Trying to filter down, but this particular subject may force me back to stepping around “real” words. But I am going to try.
Ok, had a mini-chat the other day with L about what you had said last Friday (I think that’s when it was? Had to have been?), about how you usually try to let folks figure themselves out, but that I needed a push?
(am I being vague enough for you, ‘cause if I’m not I can try harder… )
Well, she had an interesting slant on it. What if the only reason I am balking is because I’m married? Because if I wasn’t married it could just be a fact one way or the other, for me to act on or choose to keep to myself. So what if I can’t admit to anything because my brain is already moving onto the consequences. Like I had said, is it an excuse or real? And even if it’s just an excuse, there are consequences that I am too cowardly to face.
(oh shite, I just distracted myself with remembering that I was supposed to be pondering my next five years and reporting it to you! Later maybe, let’s see if I can get through this one… J)
Admitting things:
If I surf celebrities, it ain’t Brad Pitt’s site.
I have lived on afterellen many a slow evening, and even got caught up in the BS drama of Tila Tequila through recaps (be glad if you don’t know what I’m talking about!).
I broached the subject to R about expanding our cable ($20 more per month) when we are more financially stable, using the excuse of him having movie channels, CMT, more music channels. But my impetus is purely selfish. I want Showtime and Logo. Not that I could really ever watch them though. But that’s where my mind was.
I just played “mentor” to an online friend who just posted that she’s struggling with an attraction to a girl friend of hers (who happens to be bi and open to things). She is trying to figure out if she’s attracted to just this girl, or others, and if it’s real attraction or “I haven’t gotten laid recently” frustration. Except for that last part, it sounds all to familiar. So I replied to her to check out a book called The Straight Girl’s Guide to Sleeping With Chicks (no, I’ve never read it , I saw it posted online somewhere a while back, and researched it as a “joke” gift for Rl, E’s woman, for her bridal shower because she was really fascinated by S and “her lifestyle”. I didn’t get it for her because I was afraid of E’s response, not hers.), and that maybe sexuality is fluid and she should just be comfortable with whoever she is. And then I sent her a private message telling her how familiar it sounded to me. And she replied to the first, saying she was going to look for the book, and to the second she also replied, but I don’t know what she said because I can’t get on LJ from here, so I am SO freaking out right now. But like I said, she’s an online friend, she’s in ChiTown, and she doesn’t know anyone I know, so… *gulp*
I am enjoying the book(s) you loaned me. I am actually reading them simultaneously now, because I wasn’t comfortable whipping out the Sewing Circle while waiting with R at his appointment, since he is nosy (and sure enough he did ask what I was reading, and was glad it was the Seven Daughters instead. I am sneaking the other one while he’s in the bathroom, the shower, asleep. Guilty. I feel marginally ashamed at being so fascinated by the culture back then. I am trying to justify it as “historical,” and if “caught” reading it, I have my excuse lined up - I borrowed it from you, what other kinds of books would you have to loan!? ;p (Hey, it might just be logical enough to him!) Oh, and L wouldn’t mind reading them, may I loan them to her when I am done? She’s responsible.
Hearing from A or S does more than brighten my day. It turns my day around. But I feel I can’t speak to them, or even acknowledge speaking to them (especially S) around R because I am afraid he will read too much (or the truth?) in my face when I speak. Somehow my stoicism fails me at the wrong times, and I choose to hide it. But for the record I also don’t mention speaking to them and/or answer the phone when they call because he gets “bothered” by the interruption of the phone call in the same room where he is trying to watch TV. And no, I am not supposed to leave the room, hello, that would be abandoning him and choosing my friends over him.
Ok, I’m done confessing. Did I make it less vague? You still won’t get a direct confirmation out of me, because fear of the next step is paralyzing. I don’t even want to send this! And I trust you and you aren’t even allowed to tell anyone!
Next up, the dream I had last night. But it’s lunch time now, and R will be coming in to collect me shortly and I don’t want to be in the middle of something when he gets here, both because he is too curious and I will look too guilty if I am closing out a window when he turns the corner, and because I don’t want to derail my thoughts once they (hopefully) flow.
And next after that, or perhaps at the same time/consecutively in one email, my next five years. You said it could be fantastical, right? How grounded in reality does it have to be?
“peace”
ps. if there seem to be "random Js" spread about, it's just that apparently when I copy over a smiley that's how it appears in text. I have tried to edit them out, but I may have missed a couple. :P
12-11 - Furthering my comment upon leaving…
I have SO much to say. Obviously, since I can’t even shut up long enough for you to get a word in today, eh? But I can never have the words ready when the opportunity to write presents. Either there are people around, or the amount of time I will have is too constricted and I can’t form the words fast enough.
OR
I have the words all ready, and the time and space to write, and I start self-editing. By which I mean I rethink putting said thought to paper, as perhaps they are… too… raw? No, that’s not the word, but it will do. Telling? Revealing? Closer. I fear my words and what they may say of me. Yah, there we go. I fear putting down words that to me seems innocuous enough on first read but truly are dangerous. No, that’s not quite the right one there. (see here is my brain processing without the backspace key… ) Dangerous as in not safe as in they say something more than I intend. Not that I wish to hide, especially in correspondence to you (what would be the point, eh?) but… erhm… (this is probably much what a transcript of my phone messages would look like too, right?)
Ok, trying from a different angle. We both know I think ever so highly of myself, my actions, my thoughts, feelings, intentions, etc., right? Okay, so when I get to really writing what’s really in my head not just the superficial trying to dig deeper but once the deeper is reached I feel BAD WRONG EVIL UNFIT WRONG WRONG WRONG. I know that your job isn’t to like me, but I personally think it helps, and I really truly feel (and it’s gonna take a lot of convincing because you know I ain’t listenin’) that if I say/write what’s deep there I am at my core UNLIKEABLE AND BAD and therefore that is what I wish to hide bury pretend doesn’t exist.
But that’s the stuff that I’m sure would be most useful to dredge up, eh?
So voila the more superficial crap I have to spout and the more time I have to spout it in, the greater volume of malarkey you get. And the more forwarded stuff. But the more superficial there is usually is a grand indicator of how much ugliness lies below.
And then there’s the (unduplicable on this computer thanks to spell check) no caps no punctuation run-on sentence from hell that looks and probably sounds like it was written by a precocious toddler because that’s all I can manage and get it out get it out purge the filth I’m going to whine boo hoo woe is me that you get. That’s desperation. I hate myself most when you get that. I have reached the point of such disillusion that I have gotten beyond the “gee I hope she likes me” filter on my brain and just DON’T CARE anymore. That’s the “gee don’t let LB get behind the wheel/near the sharp things because who knows if she has any self-preservation left” stage of destruction.
But hey, maybe those emails have merit, who knows? So I hit send and pretend I didn’t.
Case in point, referring back to a few line breaks ago - that last sentence with the pretty little “”? DANGEROUS. Because it’s half mouthing off, and half true. But not all true. I do (I think) always have enough self preservation to stay away from the sharp things, at least on a full ex-sanguination level. But to put that in print makes me nervous. One to admit it, and two for you to see it. Don’t want to worry you (hence this disclaimer bit) and also don’t want there to be any consequence of it (lock up, drugs, confrontation about it).
All right, enough of this. I’ve said my piece, and then some.
Just one more thing. Trying to wrap my brain around this. Can’t even remember the actual phrasing/words you used, which is half the issue (dang I wish I had better retention/memory skills). You said something to the effect of “I done real good” today, and… Why? What was so splendid from today? I feel awful! I feel I said some really off the wall WTF things (unicorns into tears!?) and I feel I maligned R even more than usual. Yet I am holding the words as a pup treasures being told “Good boy” because I hope it’s true even if I don’t’ understand why.
TTFN.
12-13
Today is the holiday party. Had I mentioned this fiasco? Well, I will now, and if I am repeating myself… J
The secretaries decided that we should have a staff holiday party, that we all chip in a few bucks and a dish (which was poorly phrased, it looked as is it was an either not a both options deal). At first it sounded pretty voluntary, but the pressure was on. I said I didn’t want to participate. Weeks ago I said this, and I said it nicely. Sweetly, kindly. Then they kept bugging me. So my responses got a bit more abrupt. My take? Respect should come from both sides, you ignore my wishes, I ignore the need to be nice to you. It came to a head on Monday, when D mentioned to me that neither R or I had turned in our sheets with what we were bringing. So I got fed up, wrote one out for both of us (I knew R was cooking his chicken) and put myself down for dates because it was the only thing I could think of. Then she asked for the money, and I snapped at her that she’d have to bother R for that, if he had it, because I sure as hell didn’t. Then on Tuesday, as I am trapped in a meeting with M , D walks by and says “I have Dew for you!” to which I perked up and said “where?” And she laughed and said she meant for today! So I turned to M and said “M , D is trying to bribe me to go to her stupid party” loud enough for D to hear it. Yah, maybe I shouldn’t have said it, but honestly! So D of course was hurt or angry or something and hasn’t spoken to me since. (except for two seconds bitterly when “I” got very excited about the musical stuffed dog in the front office and she said “Well I am glad something can make you happy.”)
L, my coworker, and I had had a couple conversations about social phobia/dislike/obligation issues, in which we discussed the “have to do it” factor of events, and I tried to explain to her that it’s more than “do not want” it’s “can not do but really wish I could” which she partially got but not entirely (probably because I can’t find the right words with her either! ;p). She didn’t want to go to this thing either, by the way. But we agreed we would both go.
So we get to today. I didn’t do the dates because R had dessert things he got from Elijah’s Promise and we decided that could be my contribution. L sees me and reminds me of our agreement. At a little after noon I go down to the designated room, where most everyone has already gotten there and has food. And it’s just too crowded. R tries to be helpful and tell me what is there that may be edible for me (he was wrong, by the way, but gets credit for trying), and L has saved me a seat (which wasn’t near R , so awkward). I get a couple of meatballs and a biscuit and a cup of the bribery Dew, and… Feel like I will burst in to tears if I am there one second longer. So I walk past L, tell her I can’t stay, and leave. Which R had expected and even suggested. But then he follows me out, which really bothered me because A. it calls attention to my leaving and B. I was near tears, why the fuck would I want him around?! I get to my office, have only time to set the plate down before R is knocking to find out if I’m ok (duh, what do you think? “Yes, I’m fine”)
RAWR!
But the good, it’s over now I think, no one else has come to bug me, and we get to go home soon because of the snow. If only we had brought the DVD for R to exchange so he would have something to do besides bug me when we get home. If only we had $$ in the bank so we could just buy him another right out. If only… If only I could shut up. J
WHINE WHINE WHINE
12-19
I either shake or cry. Or both, if shaking it off doesn’t work.
A local cat that sometimes visits us was in the middle of the road this morn. Not a good way to start my day off. And we didn’t even have time to move him out of the road. I should have made time. I can’t stop thinking about him. Please let him be gone or at least out of the road and not flat when we go home tonight.
I finally got around to calling the pharmacy to see if by off chance of luck they’d gotten permission to fill my ‘script. More of a double checking that I had to call the doctor myself and beg. But lo and behold they say it’s ready. And they were going to tell me this when!? Tomorrow when it would be too late to start it this month? I am just glad it’s there and hopefully I’ll remember we have to stop and get it. Oh, no problem there, R has a ‘script in so he won’t forget his. LOL
Small whine. I can’t help but get things for R when I see them, especially at this time of year. Assuage my guilt tangibly I suppose. So yesterday I had to swing by Wal-Mart to try to find tights (yes, imperative), and since he’s been complaining of needing new pants since September (semi-valid, he had dress pants but wants more comfortable ones that can be work/play versatile) I looked to see if any were on clearance/sale. They also had a superhero t-shirt for cheap, so I picked it up, figuring I could give it to him in FL for Xmas and he’d be happy. Oh, and for the record, did not get any of the way neat-o happy bunny and/or grumpy holiday shirts for myself, as I was chastised against frivolous purchases (I agree, and I’d like to think I would have refrained from purchase even without an inner censor). So I get home with the bag of stuff, and meant to pull out the pants, but of course the shirt becomes visible too, and R sees it. So I hand it over, with the joking comment that he’s not going to get anything under the tree. Not one word about anything for me. Which is probably a good thing, because you know how I like gifts (ha-ha), and money’s kind of tight, but not even an apology? Or his prior holiday complaint of he never gets the car so he could get me something? When we were at Build-A-Bear making gifts, he didn’t even suggest I make one for me (which I would have naysayed anyway, but…) as he has in the past. I think I have completely dropped of his radar as anything but a servant and caretaker (including special duties of course). Sad but true. And no, I will not mention this whine to him. I think he may have dropped of my radar as anything but a husband. *sigh*
My frustration level just increased exponentially, which is frustrating in and of itself. Stupid fire drill, making me lose my thoughts. Because I had already moved off the previous words to something new, but I don’t know what.
I am in whiny mode today, aren’t I? I am thinking there is no way we’ll be ready to leave after R speaks to K (by phone to save time, his choice) on Friday. But we’ll leave anyway. LOL
I am going to (try to) shut up now, as I feel nothing I have to say is useful or productive.
12-20
Trying to filter down, but this particular subject may force me back to stepping around “real” words. But I am going to try.
Ok, had a mini-chat the other day with L about what you had said last Friday (I think that’s when it was? Had to have been?), about how you usually try to let folks figure themselves out, but that I needed a push?
(am I being vague enough for you, ‘cause if I’m not I can try harder… )
Well, she had an interesting slant on it. What if the only reason I am balking is because I’m married? Because if I wasn’t married it could just be a fact one way or the other, for me to act on or choose to keep to myself. So what if I can’t admit to anything because my brain is already moving onto the consequences. Like I had said, is it an excuse or real? And even if it’s just an excuse, there are consequences that I am too cowardly to face.
(oh shite, I just distracted myself with remembering that I was supposed to be pondering my next five years and reporting it to you! Later maybe, let’s see if I can get through this one… J)
Admitting things:
If I surf celebrities, it ain’t Brad Pitt’s site.
I have lived on afterellen many a slow evening, and even got caught up in the BS drama of Tila Tequila through recaps (be glad if you don’t know what I’m talking about!).
I broached the subject to R about expanding our cable ($20 more per month) when we are more financially stable, using the excuse of him having movie channels, CMT, more music channels. But my impetus is purely selfish. I want Showtime and Logo. Not that I could really ever watch them though. But that’s where my mind was.
I just played “mentor” to an online friend who just posted that she’s struggling with an attraction to a girl friend of hers (who happens to be bi and open to things). She is trying to figure out if she’s attracted to just this girl, or others, and if it’s real attraction or “I haven’t gotten laid recently” frustration. Except for that last part, it sounds all to familiar. So I replied to her to check out a book called The Straight Girl’s Guide to Sleeping With Chicks (no, I’ve never read it , I saw it posted online somewhere a while back, and researched it as a “joke” gift for Rl, E’s woman, for her bridal shower because she was really fascinated by S and “her lifestyle”. I didn’t get it for her because I was afraid of E’s response, not hers.), and that maybe sexuality is fluid and she should just be comfortable with whoever she is. And then I sent her a private message telling her how familiar it sounded to me. And she replied to the first, saying she was going to look for the book, and to the second she also replied, but I don’t know what she said because I can’t get on LJ from here, so I am SO freaking out right now. But like I said, she’s an online friend, she’s in ChiTown, and she doesn’t know anyone I know, so… *gulp*
I am enjoying the book(s) you loaned me. I am actually reading them simultaneously now, because I wasn’t comfortable whipping out the Sewing Circle while waiting with R at his appointment, since he is nosy (and sure enough he did ask what I was reading, and was glad it was the Seven Daughters instead. I am sneaking the other one while he’s in the bathroom, the shower, asleep. Guilty. I feel marginally ashamed at being so fascinated by the culture back then. I am trying to justify it as “historical,” and if “caught” reading it, I have my excuse lined up - I borrowed it from you, what other kinds of books would you have to loan!? ;p (Hey, it might just be logical enough to him!) Oh, and L wouldn’t mind reading them, may I loan them to her when I am done? She’s responsible.
Hearing from A or S does more than brighten my day. It turns my day around. But I feel I can’t speak to them, or even acknowledge speaking to them (especially S) around R because I am afraid he will read too much (or the truth?) in my face when I speak. Somehow my stoicism fails me at the wrong times, and I choose to hide it. But for the record I also don’t mention speaking to them and/or answer the phone when they call because he gets “bothered” by the interruption of the phone call in the same room where he is trying to watch TV. And no, I am not supposed to leave the room, hello, that would be abandoning him and choosing my friends over him.
Ok, I’m done confessing. Did I make it less vague? You still won’t get a direct confirmation out of me, because fear of the next step is paralyzing. I don’t even want to send this! And I trust you and you aren’t even allowed to tell anyone!
Next up, the dream I had last night. But it’s lunch time now, and R will be coming in to collect me shortly and I don’t want to be in the middle of something when he gets here, both because he is too curious and I will look too guilty if I am closing out a window when he turns the corner, and because I don’t want to derail my thoughts once they (hopefully) flow.
And next after that, or perhaps at the same time/consecutively in one email, my next five years. You said it could be fantastical, right? How grounded in reality does it have to be?
“peace”