Too in Love to Let it Go, Chapter 21
HUUUUUUUUUUUGE Thank you to lokicorey on Tumblr for the gorgeous Cover Art!!!! I love it so much!!!
Author: gingerandfair/lavender_love00
Genre: AU/Married!Klaine/future-fic
Rating: NC-17
Word count: 7400/200,000
Spoilers: none
Chapter summary: In which a night out with Jeff and Nick is fraught with tension, a shocking confession is revealed, and Kurt and Blaine realize how lucky they are to have the friends that they do.
Prologue (LJ/AO3/Tumblr/S&C) - Chapter 1 (LJ/AO3/Tumblr/S&C) - Chapter 2 (LJ/AO3/Tumblr/S&C) - Chapter 3 ( LJ/AO3/Tumblr/S&C) - Chapter 4 ( LJ/AO3/Tumblr/S&C) - Chapter 5 ( LJ/AO3/Tumblr/S&C) - Chapter 6 ( LJ/AO3/Tumblr/S&C) - Chapter 7 ( LJ/AO3/Tumblr/S&C) - Chapter 8 (LJ/AO3/Tumblr/S&C) Chapter 9 (LJ/AO3/Tumblr/S&C) - Chapter 10 (LJ/AO3/Tumblr/S&C) - Chapter 11 ( LJ/AO3/Tumblr/S&C) - Chapter 12 ( LJ/AO3/Tumblr/S&C) - Chapter 13 ( LJ/AO3/Tumblr/S&C) - Chapter 14 ( LJ/AO3/Tumblr/S&C) - Chapter 15 on (LJ/AO3/Tumblr/S&C) - Chapter 16 on ( LJ/AO3/Tumblr/S&C) - Chapter 17 on ( LJ/AO3/Tumblr/S&C) - Chapter 18 on (LJ/AO3/Tumblr/S&C) - Chapter 19 on ( LJ/AO3/Tumblr/S&C) - Chapter 20 on ( LJ/AO3/Tumblr/S&C
Read Chapter 21 on AO3/Tumblr/S&C
Chapter 21
Saturday, September 9th, 2023
Squeak, squeak, went Kurt's rubber glove against his yellow mixing bowl, and he smiled, content at another clean dish. He'd just submerged his covered hands into the soap suds again when a knock came at the door.
"I'll get it!" Rachel called from the living room, and he heard her bare feet smack across the floor. "Jeff Warbler!" she squealed, welcoming their guest, and Kurt closed his eyes and counted to ten, trying to steel himself for being companionable. God, what an exhausting word.
"Hey, Rachel," Jeff said with a laugh. "Good to see you. Where's Kurt?"
"Oh, he'll be here in a second - he's just finishing up the breakfast dishes," Rachel told him, and Kurt breathed a sigh of relief.
Rachel had been a dear all morning, coaxing him into coiffing his hair, picking an outfit for him just so he could tell her everything that was wrong with it and choose a better one himself, making breakfast for the both of them and leaving a mess in the kitchen so he'd have something to be preoccupied with until Jeff came.
And now she was stalling for him, giving him a few extra minutes to prepare.
Rachel could be a lot of things, grating and overbearing and perfectionistic to a fault, but god, he couldn't ever deny that she loved him.
Two dishes and several careful swipes of a sponge to the kitchen counter, and Kurt was done. He stood in the clean kitchen, letting its zen soak into his pores, then walked carefully out to where Jeff and Rachel were amicably chatting on the couch.
"It's good to see you!" Jeff exclaimed, getting up and tugging Kurt into a tight hug that he wasn't quite prepared for. "God, have you lost -"
"Let's talk itinerary!" Rachel piped up before he could say anything else. "How long has it been since you've been to New York?"
"Not since Vi-"
"Don't answer that!" she exclaimed, and Kurt rolled his eyes.
"Look, let's just stop pretending there's not a gigantic elephant in the room already," Kurt said with a weary sigh. He turned to Jeff. "I'm assuming Nick told you what happened, since you're here and not there, and god that's awkward, but … it is what it is, I guess."
"Yeah, he, uh, he told me …"
"I - I'm not handling it very well, with Blaine being gone. Obviously."
"Oh, Kurt …" Rachel sighed, but he shook his head.
"And I know it's not fair to you, Jeff, because I know you're here to see Nick, not me. So I don’t want you hanging around here out of some sense of pity or obligation, and I don't need a babysitter, despite what everyone else seems to think."
"Kurt, seriously, it's not a big deal, staying here - I like you, so …"
"I know. I appreciate that, I do. But I also know you haven't seen Nick yet, so why don't you call him? Maybe you guys go to lunch or something?"
Jeff blinked at him. "If you're sure you don't mind …"
"I don't. Please, it'll make me feel better, not like some weird sort of invalid."
"Okay …" And Jeff pulled out his phone.
"Kurt," Rachel said quietly while Jeff was making his phone call, "I've been wondering - just since Jeff will be here this weekend - do you mind if I go home for a couple days? Just while he's here? I'm starting to get behind on laundry, and -"
"Go," he said, trying to put all the gratitude in the universe into a single word. "You've done more than I could've ever asked for."
"I'll come back Monday, I promise. I just -"
"You don't need to explain anything," he said, pulling her into a hug. "Thank you." He kissed the top of her head and pulled back. "I think I'm going to lie down for a while. I'm starting to get a headache."
"Take care of yourself," she told him, rising up on her tiptoes to kiss him on the cheek. "And you have fun this weekend!" she told Jeff. "You and Nick should try to see a show, if you have time! There's a Sunday matinee …"
"Maybe next time, Rach," he said. "It's a really short trip - I fly back tomorrow afternoon."
Kurt left them in the living room to chat and slunk back to his bed with Romeo at his heels, not wanting either of them to know exactly how exhausted he was. It was just - people, he couldn't handle people and cleaning the kitchen had left him fatigued, in need of a nap. He needed a nap and he needed solitude and he really just needed Blaine but Blaine wasn't coming, not until forced, not to their home, and maybe that was the most exhausting thing of all.
He left the door open a crack, and as soon as his light was off and he'd reclined on the bed, his puppy dog in his lap, he dozed off into a restless sleep.
* * *
"I think I miss him more than I should," Nick said, pacing back and forth across his small living room as he waited for Jeff's arrival that afternoon. His stomach had been in knots all day, and he kept straightening things on his bookshelves and swiping crumbs off the kitchen counter that weren't really there.
He'd realized earlier, as he was scrubbing the toilet bowl for the first time in a month, that he'd never cleaned his home in anticipation of a girl's arrival before. It just means you care what he thinks, he'd told himself, scrubbing harder. But he couldn't help but question exactly what that meant as he finished the toilet and moved onto the shower.
"Should there be a should there?" Blaine's question pulled him from his thoughts.
"Was that a tongue-twister?"
"I'm just saying - how much should you miss him?" Blaine asked, setting his book upside-down on the coffee table to mark his place. "You've been best friends for like fifteen years, Nick. You went to college together, and then you moved to Chicago together after you graduated. I think you're allowed to miss the guy. Haven't we had this conversation already?"
"It's just - I don't know, it doesn't seem normal," Nick said, leaning against the wall.
"Normal?" Blaine laughed. "Of course it's normal. What's normal, anyway? It's overrated."
Nick cracked a smile. "I guess you're right," he said. "You're sure you're gonna be okay here by yourself? You can come with us, if you want."
Blaine rolled his eyes. "For the hundredth time, Nick, I'm fine. You guys need to catch up -"
The buzzer to Nick's apartment cut him off. "Jeff?" Nick said into the intercom. "Is that you?"
"Yep! You gonna let me up, or what?"
Nick beamed as he pressed the button to let Jeff in, and he waited impatiently by the door until Jeff burst through it. All the air left his lungs as Jeff's arms flew around him, squeezing like a vice, and all the questions and uncertainties he'd been having flew from his mind as he squeezed his best friend back. It came down to the fact, he realized, that wherever Jeff was felt like home. They'd been together for so long that he'd become like a fifth limb, and when Nick moved to New York, he'd effectively cut one of his body parts off.
It was phantom pain he'd been feeling. That was all.
"Oh my god, I missed you," Jeff said, squeezing him tightly one last time before letting him go. "But I'm also starving. Have you got lunch under control?"
"I think the question should be more like, 'are you ready to have the best falafel of your life?'" Nick asked happily, then turned to face the couch. "You sure you're okay, Blaine? You want us to bring you back something?"
Blaine shook his head, waving them away, but Nick could see pain in his eyes that hadn't been there a few minutes prior. Before he could ask what was wrong, however, Jeff was dragging him toward the door. He left with a wave and the promise to ask what was going on as soon as they returned.
* * *
The door banged shut, and Blaine slumped back to the couch and let the tears come. Watching Nick and Jeff's reunion had hurt more than he'd anticipated. Oh,how it ached when Jeff burst through the door and nearly knocked Nick over with the force of his hug. He could almost feel Kurt in his arms as he watched them - one of Blaine's favorite things about his husband was how, when he was surprised or just extraordinarily happy, Kurt would catapult himself at him, throwing his arms around Blaine's neck with abandon.
He worried a little that he'd never feel Kurt's arms around his neck again.
* * *
Kurt was idly sketching in bed under the blaze of the late-afternoon sun, dreaming up dresses to put Rachel in for the next Tony awards. More feathers, he thought as he lightly shaded the short train. Think Swan Lake, Kurt, more feathers … Rachel would look gorgeous in this dress, striking and unique and dramatic, and he wondered what look she'd be going for - he wanted to make her look perfect, especially since she'd more than likely be nominated.
He was just starting on the skeleton of a birdcage veil when a knock on his door made him jump.
"Hey Kurt?"
"Yeah, Jeff, come on in," he said, setting his sketchpad and pencils aside. "I didn't realize you were back."
"I didn't wake you, did I?" Jeff asked, creeping into the bedroom.
"No, no, I was just sketching."
Jeff perched awkwardly on the edge of the bed, leaning with one hand against the bottom of the bedframe. "So, Nick and I kind of made plans for tonight - we're meeting him and Blaine at the Sidewalk Café at eight."
Kurt kept his voice neutral. "Alright."
"Listen," Jeff said, running a finger over the soft linen duvet cover, "if you don't feel up for it … I didn't know what was going on with you guys when I told Nick I wanted to get together last week. If you or Blaine either one want to back out -"
"We've known each other for thirteen years. We've been married for six. I think we can handle one night together," Kurt said with a sigh.
"Okay, just checking. I just don't want to make you uncomfortable, you know?"
Kurt raised an eyebrow. "Tell me, Jeff - what part of my life isn't uncomfortable right now?"
Jeff wouldn't meet his eyes. "Yeah - I'm really sorry about everything, Kurt. I can't imagine -"
"If you don't mind," Kurt interrupted, "I think I'd rather not talk about it anymore. I'm sorry."
"No, I'm sorry. I just - I don't know what to say -"
Kurt smiled at Jeff's hunched, nervous shoulders and thought, in wonder, none of us know what we're doing at all, do we?
"Why don't you tell me about what it's like to be an architect?" he suggested. "I can't imagine that it'd be that different from designing clothes, except for a lot more calculus …"
* * *
"Jeff! Kurt!" Nick called, waving his arm high in the air as he saw the two men approaching from a block away. It had only been a few hours since he'd seen Jeff last, but his heart leapt in his chest at the sight of his best friend walking toward him with a huge grin on his face. Phantom pain.
Jeff waved back and jogged up to meet him. "Hey! Did you guys have a good afternoon?"
Nick leaned willingly into Jeff's open arms, clapping him on the back. "It was relaxing. Blaine took a nap," Nick said.
"Yeah, so did Kurt." Jeff gestured behind him as Kurt slowly ambled toward them, his slim figure more otherworldly-looking than usual. Something in his eyes, in his exposed collarbones, in his sallow skin reminded Nick of an apparition, and he wondered if Kurt wouldn't just disappear in front of their eyes before the night was over.
"Hi, Blaine." Kurt's quiet voice, more like a whisper in the wind, barely registered in Nick's ears, and he glanced sideways, startled to see Blaine standing right at his shoulder.
"Hey."
They looked at each other, then back to the ground. The air around their whole party flickered with the tension, and the hair on the back of Nick's neck were just starting to prickle when Blaine spoke up.
"We should probably try to find a seat - I think the next act starts in a few minutes," Blaine said, shuffling his feet toward the crowded bar. Kurt followed him, his shoulders hunched, his head hung, looking like a ghost of the man he used to be.
"Did you see Kurt's face?" Jeff murmured in Nick's ear as they entered the bar behind their friends, suddenly enveloped in a cacophony of chattered conversations. Nick tried to ignore the way the hair on the back of his neck tried to stand up again, told himself it was remnants of the tension left over from outside.
"I did, and I think Blaine's worse than he was when he first showed up at Dalton," he said back, raising his voice to a stage whisper to be heard above the noise. "I wish there was something we could do."
But there wasn't. Kurt still looked too thin, and big, dark circles were appearing in half-moons under his eyes. When the waitress came to take their orders, he only asked for a diet ginger ale. Blaine's face turned stormy upon hearing his meager order, and Kurt stared him down, daring him to say something about it. He didn't.
Nick thought if he reached out, he'd probably be electrocuted with all the negative energy in the air between them. "So, how's Rachel?" he asked, attempting to alleviate some of the tension.
Blaine slumped back in his chair and looked at the ceiling when Kurt answered.
"She's fine. Better than fine, really. Her first headlining role had tohave been Fannie, but really, she deserves all the bragging rights. She's good. Her head is bigger than ever, but … I'll be the first to admit, it's for good reason," he said, playing with his straw. "She's also been kind of a lifesaver the last several days."
Another long, awkward silence came over the table.
"Soooo," Jeff drawled out eventually, "how's the designing going, Kurt? Are you working on your own line yet?"
"I'm taking a break, of sorts," Kurt answered. "To rest."
"Oh," Jeff said, sounding as awkward as Nick was sure he felt. "I'm sorry. I didn't realize. I thought when you were sketching this afternoon …"
"Oh. That was just an idea for a dress for Rach," Kurt shrugged.
Nick was trying to think of something bland and banal to talk about when they were saved by the most god-awful songstress he had ever heard. She was flat throughout her entire first song, and the amps were turned up too loud, squeaking and squawking in everyone's ears. He was grateful for the distraction from the awkward, stilted conversation, but exchanged a worried look with Jeff when he saw Blaine and Kurt both sunken down in their seats, looking utterly defeated.
When the girl finally finished and the overhead speakers took over, Blaine tossed a twenty-dollar bill on the table and rose from his seat. "I'm really tired," he said without any further explanation. "I think I'll just catch a cab, go home. Or - you know what I mean, back to your place, Nick, if that's still cool."
Kurt stiffened, brittle and friable, as Nick nodded. "Yeah, sure. I may be in late, though."
Blaine shrugged. "I'm told I sleep like the dead. I doubt you'll wake me up," he said, and turned to leave.
Kurt pressed his lips together as he watched Blaine's back retreat from the bar. "You okay, man?" Jeff asked, placing a hand on Kurt's shoulder.
"Yeah, I - yeah."
"You want something to eat?" Nick asked. "Soup or a sandwich or something?"
"No. I'm not hungry." Kurt's voice sounded hollow. "I'm sorry."
Nick just shrugged. "I didn't eat hardly anything for a week after Caroline left, either. It's okay."
"I - how is he?" Kurt asked, clearly on the verge of breaking, just as the speakers started blaring the opening notes of My Life Would Suck Without You. He laughed, and Nick thought it was more to keep himself from crying than anything. "You know what?" he said over the music. "Don’t even bother answering that. I'm going to be absolutely horrible company tonight. I think I'll go, too."
"Kurt, no -" Nick said, but Kurt held up a hand.
"Seriously. You guys have a lot of catching up to do. I'm just gonna -" He scooted his chair back and, like Blaine, threw a twenty on the table.
"Kurt -" Jeff tried as well, but it was no use. He was already making his way toward the door.
"Well," Nick said.
"Well." Jeff paused. "They're worse than I thought."
"Tell me about it. I think I need another beer, after seeing that. That's worse than those chick flicks Caroline always made me watch."
"Beer's on me," Jeff said, flagging down the waitress. "Another IPA for me, and - what'd you have? A nut brown lager?"
Nick nodded, and the waitress went away with their orders. "Thanks."
Jeff shrugged. "No problem. So how are you holding up? Are you and Blaine just helping each other wallow in your misery, or what?"
"No, actually I'm okay. Surprisingly okay," he said, and meant it, too. "The more I think about it, and the longer I'm away from her - I don't think I loved Caroline as much as I thought I did. Or as much as I wanted to, maybe. And she obviously didn't love me, so …"
"Makes sense," Jeff said with a little shrug. "You want something so bad, you convince yourself it's there. It's better that you got out of it before you made a more permanent mistake."
Nick cocked his head, raised his eyebrows. "It sounds like you speak from experience. Something I should know about?"
"Oh, no, nothing important - it was just this guy, a while ago," Jeff said, looking down into his empty glass. "Wasn't serious. Nothing ever panned out."
"I'm sorry to hear that."
Jeff chuckled. "Yeah, me too." He paused as the waitress came back with their drinks, taking a long draw from his glass. "So anyway, how's life in the Big Apple?"
"It's good. Really good. I like my job." And he was good; the city made him feel alive in ways that Chicago hadn't quite accomplished, there was just something about New York, and his co-workers were great and he was settling in well, was well liked. But… "But - it hasn't started to feel like home yet, you know? And I miss you."
Jeff's eyes darted up from his glass. "I miss you, too. I never - it's harder than I thought it'd be, actually," he said.
"Really? How?"
"Well yeah - stupid things, like nobody else I know likes that Chinese place down the street from my apartment - Foo Mu Shoo or Mu Shoo Foo or whatever it was called. It's kind of ruined for me now, because eating there just makes me lonely."
"Oh," Nick said, and fell quiet for a moment, remembering the times they'd sat on Jeff's floor, eating out of take-out containers, watching movies. "I'm sorry."
"Hey, it's not your fault. I'm really glad for you," Jeff said, smiling at him.
"Yeah, I'm glad for me, too. And who knows - maybe you can move here, too. We can be roommates. Unless - you haven't met somebody since I've been gone, have you?"
Jeff laughed. "No. Definitively, no."
"Are you looking?" Nick asked. "Or do you just not want -"
"I haven't found anyone who's measured up."
"Measured up to what?"
"My extraordinarily high standards," Jeff said easily. "What about you - are you dating any?"
Nick drummed his fingers against the table. "I'm skeptical," he said, though he wasn't sure if that was the correct word to use for it. "I don't know if I can ever trust another girl again -"
"There are reasons why I don't touch them with a ten-foot pole."
Nick raised his eyebrows, a rush of boldness flowing through him. "Mainly because you like dick, though, right? Not so much because of their level of trustworthiness?" he said, and Jeff nearly snorted beer up his nose.
"Yeah," he laughed, "you've got me pegged."
"Oh really?" Nick said, then broke into a fit of laughter with Jeff that had them gripping their beer glasses.
"Wow, really bad choice of words, there," Jeff said when he'd finally recovered. "Pegging - not my kink. Although, you picked up on that one pretty quickly …"
Nick's cheeks burned. "Yeah, not really mine, either." The lie came out thick as molasses - he'd never done it, never tried, but the amount of time he'd spent looking at strap-ons, trying to find a way to ask … "Um, can we talk about something besides pegging, please?"
"Sure," Jeff grinned, as Nick tried not to stare at his ruddy cheeks. "You into bondage?"
"Oh my god," Nick groaned, his cheeks brighter than ever. "I'm gonna need another beer."
* * *
Kurt knew that Jeff wouldn't ever expect him to wait up until he got home from the bar, but with the chronic insomnia that the loss of Violet had brought, he didn't have much of a choice. He was reading Blaine's first novel when the door swung open and a very buzzed, clumsy Jeff stumbled in.
"What're you still doing up?" he asked.
"I can't ever sleep anymore," Kurt said. "Too many nightmares."
"About Blaine?"
Alcohol clearly dissolved Jeff's filter.
"About Blaine, yes. And Violet. And losing both of them at the same time. Kind of what's happened now, actually," Kurt said with a heavy sigh.
"Wow. Aren't you so sad?" Jeff's eyes were wide as a puppy's, his voice surprisingly tender.
Kurt looked Jeff straight in the eye. "I really, really am," he said, too exhausted with it to even shed a tear.
"I'm sad, too. Not as sad as you are, but - can I tell you something that I've never told anyone before?"
"Are you sure that's a good idea? I think you're a little drunk."
"I'm glad I'm a little drunk, or I'd never be able to say it out loud," Jeff admitted, flopping down on the couch beside Kurt.
"Well, by all means - maybe it will distract me from my own misery," Kurt said.
Jeff leaned close, a very serious look in his eye. "I'm in love with Nick."
"What?" It came as such a shock that Kurt dropped his book on the floor.
"I've been in love with him since we met, our freshman year at Dalton. I wasn't even out yet, and I fell so hard and so fast …"
"Well," Kurt said, blinking. "You hide it rather well."
"Really?"
"I never knew." He really, really didn't. All those Warbler practices and late pizza-and-study-group nights and the few parties he'd attended, and then the get-togethers in college, and he never knew. How could Jeff be so discreet? When Kurt had a crush, it was like a blaring neon sign above his head. And Jeff wasn't even an actor!
"Huh," Jeff said, leaning back again. "I don't know if that's good or bad."
"Well, considering that he's straight -"
"Mostly straight," Jeff corrected.
Kurt raised his eyebrows. "Really."
"You remember how it was at Dalton, right? All boys, no girls, lots of hormones? I know he experimented, and I know he said it wasn't awful. There were a few things in college - I don't think he's ever gone farther than kissing, but … there it is. It's nice, actually - he can appreciate good-looking men without getting freaked out over it. But he's only ever dated women."
"So …" Kurt hardly knew what to say. This was groundbreaking gossip. This was the kind of gossip that would've made high school-Kurt and part of college-Kurt tingle with excitement. He was tingling now, if he was being honest with himself. He had to call Blaine and see if he knew -
Kurt's train of thought stopped in its tracks. You can't call Blaine, you idiot, he reminded himself. "So," he said again, redirecting, "if you don't mind my asking … did any of those experiments happen to involve you?"
Jeff sighed. "Almost. There was this party we had with some girls from Crawford County Day once - we were playing Seven Minutes in Heaven, and somehow Nick and I got put together. I'd just come out, and the girls were teasing Nick, saying they'd take my place if he wanted, but he was so smooth about it. He just grabbed my hand and marched us both into that closet."
"Did anything happen?"
"Almost," Jeff repeated. "I - he offered. He asked if I'd ever kissed a guy, and I said no. He said he wasn't afraid of kissing me, and Kurt, I almost did - but I told him I didn't want him to feel obligated just because he was my friend. I told him he shouldn't waste a good seven-minute opportunity, and I walked out and got this girl he thought was really pretty at the time to go in instead. I never asked him if they did anything, and he never told me."
"Wow." Kurt sat back on the couch, sobering a little. As wonderful gossip as this made, his heart went out to Jeff. He couldn't imagine pining after Blaine for that long, trying to hide his affections, dying inside when he was with someone else. It was bad enough the week Blaine dated Rachel - he couldn't fathom doing that for years. "Well - are you gonna do anything about it?"
"I don't know," Jeff groaned miserably. "He's my best friend, Kurt. He's been gone three weeks, and it's like somebody took all my air away."
Kurt could certainly appreciate that sentiment, and told him so.
"I just can't -" Jeff sighed. "I'm afraid that if I do anything, I'll lose him forever."
"He's why you don't date much, then. Why you've never been in a serious relationship," Kurt deduced, the pieces finally beginning to come together, like a puzzle that's taken literally years to figure out.
Jeff just laughed. "Every other guy I've ever met just looks stupid next to him. I think I'd rather be single forever and have him as my best friend than be with some guy who's never going to be as good as he is."
Kurt whistled. "That's pretty serious. But - wouldn't you rather be with him?"
"Oh, yeah right. If that were going to happen, it would've happened a long time ago. I've been fine with what we have for so long - I really have a lot more than most guys could hope for. He's so affectionate with me; we kiss each other hello on the cheek, he hugs me, he honestly doesn't care that I'm gay. He just - doesn't date guys."
"Have you ever asked him if would?" Kurt countered.
"No."
"Then you don't know, do you?"
"But I -"
"I think you're going to be miserable for the rest of your life if you don't do something about this, Jeff. If you've really loved him for fifteen years - that's a long time. Have you ever thought about telling him how you feel?"
"So many times. But - I just can't. I'm so afraid he'd turn around and run in the opposite direction …"
Kurt nodded. "Well what about this - could you try coming on just a little stronger, and try to read his reaction? If he goes with it, you might feel a little safer talking to him, and if he doesn't, or if he backs off, then that might be a pretty good indication that he's not feeling what you're feeling. And, to be honest, Jeff, if that happens - I'd try to get over him if I were you."
Jeff gave him a skeptical look. "Get over him? Do you think you could ever get over Blaine, if he decided not to come back?"
It was like Jeff had dropped a boulder into Kurt's stomach. Trying to get over Blaine would be like trying to climb Mount Everest in his current state, slightly malnourished with no training whatsoever. It would kill him if he tried. "No," he said softly. "No, I don't think I could."
Jeff nodded. "Thought so," he said, yawning. "It's getting late. Thanks for listening to me ramble about all this - you gave me some good things to think about."
Kurt nodded. "You can have the bed tonight. I doubt I'll be getting much sleep."
"Are you sure?"
"Positive. I'm just going to stay out here and read."
"Okay, man, if you say so," Jeff said, trudging back to the bedroom. "Thanks."
Kurt sat back and heaved a huge sigh - he wished more than anything that he had his usual confidant to talk this over with, to help him process, but Blaine was off-limits in so many ways, and Kurt didn't think he'd appreciate a late-night phone call just for gossip purposes.
God, his missed late-night gossipy phone calls - he hadn't thought about them in years, having lived with Blaine for so long, but back in high school they'd talk till the wee hours of the morning, laughing and critiquing their friends' outfits - Rachel wore that reindeer sweater again, I can't even - and dissecting the numerous love triangles of the Glee club.
He picked his book back up, turning dog-eared page after dog-eared page until he found his place, transporting himself back to a time when things were easier, when Kurt was himself and Blaine was Blaine and they were them. They weren't them anymore, and he worried that he'd never get them back ever again.
* * *
Sunday, September 10th, 2023
"Is it stupid that I don't want you to go?" Nick asked, scuffing his shoe on the floor.
He'd taken Jeff to the airport, and they were standing in front of security after checking Jeff's bag. Neither one of them seemed to want to move.
"No. I don't want to go, either."
"I just miss my best friend. Having Blaine and Kurt here is great, but -"
"They're not exactly the best company right now, I know," Jeff said with a little grin. "I'm much more fun."
"You really are." Nick looked down at the ground. Phantom pain. Could he feel it before Jeff had even left?
"Hey," Jeff said, his voice soft and gentle. Nick felt his finger under his chin, lifting it until he was staring into Jeff's eyes. "It's not forever, right?"
"No," Nick said softly, then his breath left him. Jeff's finger moved away, and Nick found his face cupped carefully between both of Jeff's hands. They were softer than he would've expected, dry and warm on his cheeks, and he could feel his pulse pounding in his temple under Jeff's ring finger. A tingling sensation buzzed down his arms and through his chest as he looked up into Jeff's gray-green eyes from an entirely new angle, his eyelashes fanned out underneath his shaggy blonde hair. He was so close that Nick could almost feel Jeff's breath on his face. Phantom pain, phantom pain, phantom pain. …Fuck.
"I promise I'll come back soon," Jeff said softly, gazing with an intense sincerity into Nick's eyes. And then the moment passed, Jeff's hands dropping back to his sides. Nick could only describe the feeling that filled his chest as lonely. "Hey, maybe we can Skype?" Jeff suggested as Nick tried to internally put himself back together again. "Instead of just talking on the phone? I know it's still not the same, but …"
Nick smiled, his breath still coming at uneven intervals. "Yeah, sure, that sounds good. Just text me and let me know when."
Jeff nodded and gathered his things, digging in his back pocket for his driver's license.
"Keep me posted about how things are up here, with Kurt and Blaine," he said. "I'm worried about them."
"Will do," Nick promised. "I'll miss you."
"I'll miss you, too," Jeff said, stepping in and giving Nick a tight hug, license in hand. "Don't get in any trouble without me."
"I would never," Nick said as Jeff slung his bag over his shoulder and walked toward the roped-off security lines. "Oh, and text me when you get home - I want to make sure you get back okay!"
Jeff waved his reply, and Nick felt his heart sinking as his friend queued up. He'd never missed anyone like he missed Jeff - not his parents, not his sister, not Caroline, not any other girl he'd ever dated. And for the first time since he came to stay on his couch, Nick selfishly wished that Blaine was a little less broken and a little more whole. Blaine was always the one all the guys had gone to for advice in high school - he was less black-and-white than Wes, less preachy than David, more serious than Jeff and Thad. He was solid and caring and a good friend. And Nick really, really needed that, because what the fuck was that about?
* * *
"You want Thai for dinner?" Nick asked Blaine several hours later. Since he'd gotten back from the airport, they'd both been sitting on the couch, blowing things up on Nick's XBOX. It was much, much easier than talking about the pain that hung in the room like a heavy drape.
"Thai makes me think of Kurt," Blaine said flatly.
"Well, I guess that's out," Nick said sarcastically as he threw a grenade and a car burst into flames on the screen. "It'd be awful for you to think of your husband …"
"Hey, what's your problem?" Blaine snapped, popping a round of bullets into a zombie rounding the corner. "You've been pissy all afternoon."
Nick sighed, letting his head fall to his controller, and heard his avatar die with a loud grunt. "I don't know what the hell is going on. Was Jeff acting weird to you this weekend?"
"Honestly, Nick, I was a little preoccupied - I didn't really notice how Jeff was acting."
"Oh, right - you and Kurt were too busy making each other miserable. I almost forgot."
Blaine gaped at him, throwing his controller down. "Are you tired of me staying here or something? Because I can leave, but you don't have to be an ass -"
"No, no, I - it's been a weird day," Nick tried to offer. "I'm sorry. He's just acting weird."
"Who, Jeff?"
"Yeah."
"How so?" Blaine asked.
"He just - I don't know, he seemed more physical than normal, or something?"
"What are you talking about? You guys have always been pretty tactile - I didn't notice anything more than you always have been."
Nick shrugged, thinking of the airport, of Jeff's soft hands on his face. His cheeks still felt like they'd been branded with Jeff's handprints.
"Does it bother you?" Blaine asked. "Like - you think he's hitting on you or something?"
Nick rolled his eyes. "No, of course it doesn't bother me. And he's not hitting on me."
"Then what's the problem?"
"I don’t know," Nick said. "Maybe it's me. Maybe I'm reading things wrong. Maybe it's just getting to me that I miss him so much, or something - I really didn't want him to leave."
"I keep telling you, there's nothing abnormal about that. It's like - being homesick, but for a person. It would be weirder if you didn't care that he was going back to Chicago."
"Yeah, I guess." Nick looked up at Blaine, curiosity in his eyes. "Are you homesick for Kurt?"
Blaine's eyes darkened. "No, Nick, I actually really enjoy watching the man I've loved for thirteen years disappearing in front of me. I love living out of a suitcase on your couch. Couldn't you tell how happy I was last night?"
"Okay, okay, I'm sorry."
"Look, I just -" Blaine sighed heavily, pushing his fingers into his loose curls. "You have this amazing friendship. I see it, I see how much you guys care about each other, and I just don't understand why you're freaking out so badly over something so insignificant. You miss him. You're supposed to miss people you care about, Nick. He's practically your family."
"I never thought about it that way," Nick said softly. "I'm sorry - I guess it wasn't easy last night, was it? Watching us, while Kurt was sitting right across the table?"
"Nothing's easy anymore."
Nick nodded. "So, no Thai tonight."
"No Thai," Blaine agreed.
"Pizza?"
Blaine made a face.
"Okay …" Nick said, searching. "What about that Greek place a couple blocks down?"
Blaine perked up at that suggestion. "Yeah, I could go for a gyro."
"Sounds awesome." Nick paused. "Oh, hey Blaine?" he said, fiddling with his cell phone.
"Mmhmm?"
"Thanks for … you know, being cool about things. With Jeff visiting."
"Being cool about things - Nick, I'm sleeping on your couch. I'm living at your apartment, and I'm not paying you any rent, and - you have nothing to thank me for. I am, like, never going to be able to pay you back for this. And I don't know what things you're talking about. It's not like you're fucking or something. Not that I'd care if you were."
Nick flushed. "No - ahh, no, we're definitely not doing that," he said. "Let's just call it even? It's not like I'm gonna make you sleep on the street, you know."
* * *
Monday, September 11th, 2023
Kurt had slept all of three hours when, as promised, Rachel showed up at his door, ingredients for a protein shake in tow.
"I know you didn't drink these while Jeff was here, did you?" she asked.
Kurt shook his head, locks of sleep-rumpled hair falling into his eyes, and stepped aside to let her in.
"I should've stayed, but I didn't want to make it more awkward than it was," she said, laying things out on his counter. "I like Jeff, but I knew he couldn't take care of you like I can."
Kurt stayed quiet as she chattered and dallied around in his kitchen, content to sit and stare at the table until its wood grain started to blur under his eyes.
The blender was going full-force when he realized what day it was.
"Oh my god, Rach - stop a minute. I need to call Blaine."
She looked up at him. "Can't it wait until your shake is done?"
"No," he said firmly. "It can't."
He went back to the bedroom where his phone lay on the nightstand and shut the door. He hit Blaine's name on his contact list and closed his eyes, hoping.
Just when he thought he'd have to leave a voicemail, Blaine answered.
"H'llo?" came his sleep-thick voice through the speakers, and Kurt thought his heart might burst.
"Blaine? Did I wake you?"
"Mmmhmmm."
"I'm sorry. I - I don't even know if I'm allowed to call you. I don't know - you never told me what the rules are for this thing we're doing. But it's September eleventh, and I had to talk to you."
He heard rustling on Blaine's end of the line. Kurt could picture what he was doing, a fuzzy 8mm in his head, Blaine bleary-eyed on Nick's couch, his hair messy and frizzy, propped on one arm with the phone to his ear.
"Kurt, there aren't any rules," Blaine finally said, barely awake.
"Oh." Kurt paused. He almost wished there were rules. Rules made things easier. "Do you remember when we went to that 9/11 memorial service senior year in college?"
"Mmmhmm."
"And then when we went two years ago, at the twentieth anniversary?"
"Mmmhmm."
"And do you remember that both times, I looked up and saw where the towers used to be, and started to cry?"
"'Course I remember."
"I cried," Kurt said, his eyes stinging with tears even as he said it, "because I pictured you in those towers, collapsing to the ground with them. I pictured me sitting at home, getting a phone call from you because your plane was crashing. I - Blaine -" He broke off, pressing his fist firmly to his mouth.
"Kurt?"
"I just - I had to call you. I had to tell you I love you." Kurt choked back a sob. "I don't care if we're fighting or miserable or whatever this hell is that we're in the middle of right now - I love you, Blaine. And I'm just so glad that we were eight, that we were in Ohio when it happened, and that neither one of us were in one of those towers or on one of those planes."
"Hey, hey," Blaine said, his voice soft but gruff with sleep. "What brought all this on?"
"I don't know," Kurt whimpered. "I just realized, and -" He stopped himself before he blurted out everything he'd been wanting to say since Blaine left. I miss you. I need you. Please come home.
"Okay, hey, shhh."
Kurt wanted nothing more than for those words to be whispered in his ear while he was cradled in Blaine's strong arms, but he managed to pull himself together before he fell apart completely.
"God, I'm sorry," he said, swiping at his eyes with his fingers. "I don't know what's wrong with me. I'll let you do - well, whatever you're doing over there."
"Nothing's wrong with you," Blaine said, the gentlest he'd spoken to Kurt since he left. "I love you, too. I'm - glad you called."
"Am I allowed to say I miss you?" Kurt whispered, his heart trembling like a frightened doe's.
"Kurt -" Blaine breathed, half frustration and half pain in his voice, and Kurt just wasn't sure how to take it. "God, of course you are, you think I don't miss you too?"
"Then why -"
"Just - give me a little more time. Her room, Kurt, I just - and I'm still mad, and -"
"Her room's not going anywhere, Blaine," Kurt said carefully.
"I know, I know it's not. I just can't - my baby -" Blaine's voice seemed to shatter for a moment. "Just give me a little more time? Please? "
"Okay." Blaine's words almost broke Kurt anew and he shook his head, determined to stop the flow of tears. "Okay, Rachel's trying to feed me a protein shake. I need to go."
"Oh." Blaine sounded surprised. "Protein - oh, why didn't I think of that?" he mumbled under his breath. Louder then, "How's that going?"
"She's as persistent as I am stubborn, if that tells you anything. It's not worth the fight, so I choke it down."
"Well. Good." Kurt could hear the failure in Blaine's voice, the guilt, wanted to reassure him that there was no possible way he could've made it better, no way he could've forced anything down Kurt's throat, but he didn't know how to make the words come out of his mouth.
"Yeah. I'm not - I've gained five pounds."
"Oh. Good," Blaine said, and Kurt thought he could hear a little shake in his voice.
"So - I'm gonna go drink that now, I guess."
"Okay. Yeah. Go do that. Tell Rachel -" Blaine paused. "Nevermind. Um, I'll talk to you later?"
"Right," Kurt said. "I lo- Bye, Blaine."
Kurt hugged a pillow to his chest after he hung up the phone, burying his face in it to stave off a fresh set of tears before taking a deep breath and pulling himself completely back together.
"Kurt?" he heard Rachel call from the kitchen. "Your shake is ready! Are you okay?"
I have no idea. He didn't know what to make of that phone call, pain and hope and worry all rolled up in a ball, but the thing about hope was that it could fail you, make you believe in something that wouldn't ever happen, and -
"Kurt, do I need to come check on you?" Rachel called again, louder this time.
"I'm fine, I'm fine. I'm coming, Rach!" he answered, squaring his shoulders and opening the door.
Chapter 22