Too in Love to Let it Go, Chapter 20
Author: gingerandfair/lavender_love00
Genre: AU/Married!Klaine/future-fic
Rating: NC-17
Word count: 7300/200,000
Spoilers: none
Chapter summary: In which Kurt absolutely does not have the slightest idea of how to handle life without Blaine, Blaine absolutely does not have the slightest idea of how to handle life without Violet, and their friends absolutely do not have the slightest idea of how to handle them without each other.
Prologue (LJ/AO3/Tumblr/S&C) - Chapter 1 (LJ/AO3/Tumblr/S&C) - Chapter 2 (LJ/AO3/Tumblr/S&C) - Chapter 3 ( LJ/AO3/Tumblr/S&C) - Chapter 4 ( LJ/AO3/Tumblr/S&C) - Chapter 5 ( LJ/AO3/Tumblr/S&C) - Chapter 6 ( LJ/AO3/Tumblr/S&C) - Chapter 7 ( LJ/AO3/Tumblr/S&C) - Chapter 8 (LJ/AO3/Tumblr/S&C) Chapter 9 (LJ/AO3/Tumblr/S&C) - Chapter 10 (LJ/AO3/Tumblr/S&C) - Chapter 11 ( LJ/AO3/Tumblr/S&C) - Chapter 12 ( LJ/AO3/Tumblr/S&C) - Chapter 13 ( LJ/AO3/Tumblr/S&C) - Chapter 14 ( LJ/AO3/Tumblr/S&C) - Chapter 15 on (LJ/AO3/Tumblr/S&C) - Chapter 16 on ( LJ/AO3/Tumblr/S&C) - Chapter 17 on ( LJ/AO3/Tumblr/S&C) - Chapter 18 on (LJ/AO3/Tumblr/S&C) - Chapter 19 on ( LJ/AO3/Tumblr/S&C)
Read Chapter 20 on AO3/Tumblr/S&C
Chapter 20
Friday, September 1st, 2023
Kurt was still sitting in the bedroom, leaning against the bed and crying uncontrollably when he heard Blaine's suitcase bump over the threshold and the door shut with a determined click. The sound turned his stomach, and he managed to crawl into the bathroom before heaving his small breakfast up onto the tile floor, crying and cursing and gasping for breath.
He made himself toss a towel over the little puddle of sick, afraid Romeo would try to lick it up, before dragging himself back to the bed, yanking the covers over him as he hugged Blaine's pillow close to his chest.
It was his worst nightmare, Blaine leaving him. He could handle most everything flung his way as long as Blaine was there to bear it with him, rejections and changes in direction and his dad's second heart attack and even their failed adoption. But this? This was the one thing he couldn't bear, the thing he'd always feared he'd never be able to come back from.
His eye caught the wedding picture hung above their dresser, a black and white of them at their wedding reception, printed on canvas. Kurt could remember the moment like it was yesterday - he'd been talking to his dad when Blaine had come up behind him, threw his arms around Kurt's waist, and placed a big, wet, smacking kiss on his cheek. Kurt remembered smiling so hard he felt his face would split in half, he was so happy.
He stared at the picture and clung to Blaine's pillow, crying until his tears had dried out and his body was racked with dry, heaving sobs. When Blaine walked out the door, he took everything - Kurt's heart, his happiness, and his strength to keep carrying on.
"I give up," he whispered softly into the pillow. "I'm done fighting."
* * *
Blaine had been sitting on Nick's couch in the dark for half an hour, his suitcase a small sentinel standing guard next to him. Barely even blinking, he stared straight ahead at the wall in front of him. His mind was blank, his limbs were lead, his heart was - what? Ice? Stone?Had Kurt left him with any heart left at all?
This is what it feels like to give up.
"Blaine, what happened?"
He jumped like he'd been shot as Nick banged open the door and rushed in, dropping his messenger bag on the table and coming to sit close to him on the couch.
"I -" Blaine stammered. He'd forgotten how to speak. "I didn't mean for you to come home early. You just got this job - if you get fired because of me -"
"What did you think, that I was just going to ignore a call like that? What's going on, man?"
Blaine looked down at his hands, his heartbeat thundering in his ears. "I left." He could hardly believe the words after he'd said them out loud.
Nick peered at him. "You left … Kurt? Like, at your house?"
He nodded. "I -" His voice broke, and he rubbed his hand over his forehead. "Can I stay with you for a while?"
"Of course you can stay," Nick said, slinging an arm around Blaine's shoulders. "What the hell happened to make you leave?"
He shook his head. To repeat what happened would feel like a betrayal, even though Blaine knew that Nick wouldn't hate Kurt for taking apart Violet's nursery like he did. In fact, Blaine figured that he was probably the only person on earth to ever get as upset as he did by a broken-down crib. Which was another reason that he didn't feel like talking about it - Nick wouldn't ever understand.
"Okay," Nick finally said, apparently accepting Blaine's silence for the moment. "Do you care if I turn some lights on?"
Blaine shrugged.
Nick moved to get up, then stopped and sat back down. "You really left him. Like, you left him-left him?"
"No." He paused. "I don't know. Why?"
"It's just - I don't know, if you and Kurt can't make it, the rest of us are doomed, aren't we?"
Blaine rested his cheek on his hand as his strong front crumbled and his face contorted into what had to be an ugly expression. "Do you really think we aren't going to make it?" he asked miserably.
"I don't know, man. I don't know what's going on. Maybe if you'd just talk to me -"
"He cleaned out her nursery," Blaine blurted out, barely holding the floodgates at bay. "He packed up everything - he just left one box, and then he made me look at it, and -" He leaned forward, burying his head in between his knees.
Nick's hand was warm on his back. "And you couldn't stay," Nick said, his voice soft and understanding. "He really hurt you, and you're really mad."
Blaine nodded. "But I think - Nick, I think I broke his heart," he said, his voice breaking again. He pressed his fingers to the bridge of his nose, then took a breath. "Sorry. I'm kind of a mess."
"No apologies necessary," Nick assured him. "You want me to stay, or you want to be by yourself?"
Blaine shrugged again. "You’ve got work. And I don't think I'll be very good company right now, anyway. This whole moping in the dark thing …"
Nick sighed and sat on the coffee table, facing Blaine. "Listen, seriously. I can stay with you, if you need me to. Or if you need me to go, I'll go. Just tell me what would be best for you."
He breathed a sigh of what felt like relief - even after all those years, Nick hadn't forgotten how to read between the lines of his bullshit. "I -" he started, then looked at Nick, feeling very small. "Stay, please?"
Nick nodded, and surprised Blaine as he pulled him up off the couch into a tight hug. "It's gonna be okay, man," he murmured close to Blaine's ear. "Now," he said, pulling back, "I got this new book a couple weeks ago - you'd love it; it's beautiful the way it's written. You've got to read it. Want me to go get it?"
Blaine had no desire to read any sort of book, good or no, but he'd just barged into Nick's apartment with a full suitcase and no warning, and he felt an intense need to be polite. "Sure."
Nick turned to walk toward his bedroom, but Blaine caught his arm before he could. "Hey," he said. "Thank you."
This time Nick shrugged. "Don't worry about it. This is what friends do, right? You can stay as long as you need to. It'll be nice to have a roommate."
* * *
Saturday, September 2nd, 2023
Kurt slept fitfully without Blaine in the bed with him. He dreamed of Violet crying loudly in her crib, surrounded by four tall, impenetrable glass walls. No matter what he hacked at them with, no matter how many times he tried to scale the walls, he couldn't get to her. He woke himself up thrashing in the bed, only to drift back into a nightmare about Blaine leaving him again.
When morning finally came, bringing skies as stormy as his roiling emotions, he felt worse than he did before he went to sleep.
He didn't even try to eat breakfast, flopping on the couch after he'd fed Romeo. He stared at his desk, still scattered with sketches and papers, but couldn't bring himself to get up and do anything with them. He tried to read for a while, but every book he picked up made him think of Blaine on bright Sunday mornings, warm and sleepy in the sun with a book in hand.
Finally, after nearly breaking his cell phone several times out of nerves and frustration, he called Blaine, not really expecting him to answer.
Much to his surprise, he did.
"Kurt?"
Blaine sounded as bad as Kurt felt.
"Hi." He tried to keep the quaver from his voice, and he thought he was doing a halfway decent job so far. One syllable at a time.
"I don't really know what -" Blaine started, but Kurt cut him off.
"Do you want a divorce?" he asked, shocking himself with his bluntness.
"I -"
"Because if you do," Kurt said, covering his face with his free hand, "can we be civilized about it, and not drag it out? I don't think I can handle another -"
"Kurt, I don't want a divorce," Blaine said softly, interrupting him.
"Oh." Kurt stared at the ceiling. "Then why did you leave?"
"Because I had to. Because I'm mad. Because - because."
"Because-because? You pack a bag and leave me and make me think you're not coming back and all I get is because-because, Blaine?"
"I - yes. I think - there are things I need to sort out. With me. I don't know how long - I'm coming back. I really am. I just don't know when."
Kurt bit his lip as the room began to swim with the tears filling his eyes anew.
"Where are you?"
"Nick's," Blaine said.
Kurt paused for a long time, trying to steel himself for what he was about to say. "You know, maybe it's better this way."
"What's better?" Blaine asked.
"Being apart. We - I - it'll give me some space, and -"
"Space?"
"Yes."
Blaine was quiet on the other end of the line. "Right. Well. I guess that's settled, then."
"I guess it is."
"Good," Blaine said, sounding miserable, and Kurt's heart broke anew. "I - I'll call and check on you. In a while. Or sometime."
Kurt squeezed his eyes shut. Was this what it felt like to break up with someone? No wonder Rachel always cried so hard. "Right. Just - leave a message if I'm working or something."
"Yeah, no problem." The line was quiet for several moments. "Well, um, I guess I'll just talk to you later, then."
"Yeah."
"Okay. Bye, Kurt," Blaine said, and Kurt thought he could hear the slightest hint of tears in Blaine's voice.
"Bye." Kurt lay back against a throw pillow and whistled for Romeo. The puppy jumped up onto the couch with him and licked his face, and Kurt began to cry. He wasn't sure if which side of his heart they were coming from - half of it was so relieved that divorce papers weren't going to end up in his mailbox he could squeal, the other half ground to hamburger meat because Blaine is gone oh god oh god.
* * *
Monday, September 4th, 2023
"Blaine?"
"Mmmph," he grumbled, pulling his blanket over his head.
"Blaine, hey - it's Nick," the gentle voice repeated, withdrawing the blanket slowly.
He blinked his eyes open, squinting at the sun streaming through the cracks in the curtains his friend had drawn the night before.
"Oh, hi," he said, propping up on an elbow, rubbing the back of his hand across his face.
"Are you sure you'll be okay today while I'm gone?" Nick asked, a concerned look clouding his eyes.
"Yeah, yeah, I'm golden," Blaine said with a huge yawn. It had been a very long weekend, in which he'd spent every waking moment moping on the couch, and Nick had spent every waking moment trying to get him off the couch. Nick's efforts had been futile, but now Blaine wondered if he should have tried a little harder for his friend's sake. He didn't want Nick worrying about him all day.
"There's leftover pizza in the fridge if you get hungry, and if you need anything -"
"Look, I'll be fine," Blaine repeated. "I'm not letting you lose your new job because of me. You've already left early once."
"Still - my work number is on the fridge, if you can't catch me on my cell."
"Thanks, man. I -" There weren't words to say how much it meant that he had a safe place to go, that Nick cared, saw him … "Thank you."
Nick patted his shoulder and hurried out the door, his messenger bag swinging at his hip. It made Blaine think of Kurt, and a sharp pain shot through his chest. Was he doing the right thing? And if he was doing the right thing, why did it feel like his heart was breaking inside his chest?
But he couldn't go back home, not with all his dreams lying broken on their floor with Violet's disassembled crib. Before, even when he knew she wasn't coming back, the nursery felt like his safety net. It was the one untouched thing that held his heart together, the one place that felt like Violet,even though he couldn't stand to be in the room when she wasn't. But now, even if Kurt put it back together, put all her clothes back in her closet, it was tainted, ruined. The crib sheet would no longer have that tiny spot of spit-up from the night before they lost her. The changing table wouldn't have a fresh diaper sitting on top of it, waiting to be used. There would be no point in keeping Violet's Sleep Sheep in the crib, because there was no baby to soothe.
Kurt had effectively removed all evidence that there was ever actually a baby in their house, and part of Blaine wanted to hate him for it.
Shaking his head, Blaine stretched out on the couch and opened Nick's Netflix account. He scrolled through, looking for movies with action, explosions, sex, gore, a social agenda, subtitles - but absolutely no children.
* * *
Tuesday, September 5th, 2023
"What in the hell …"
"Kurt!"
"Oh my god."
Kurt walked into the Marc Jacobs studio to the tune of whispers and gasps, his chin tucked down to his chest and his portfolio held close to his chest. He wore an old pair of jeans, a tattered pair of Converse sneakers harkening back to his Glee Club days, and Blaine's Dalton hoodie. And, perhaps most shocking of all, his hair, product-free and messy, fell limply into his downcast eyes.
Normally impervious to everyone's thoughts and opinions but Blaine's and sometimes Rachel's, he was too exhausted and too heartbroken to care about looking haughty. He felt every eye in the room on him, and he wanted more than anything to disappear.
"Is Marc here yet?" he mumbled to Tori, who'd rushed over, a frown wrinkling her forehead.
"He's in his office - Kurt, are you alright?"
"Yeah, I'm fantastic," he snapped. "Can't you tell?"
She stared at him for a moment, then sighed. "Come on," she said, taking his hand and dragging him toward Marc's office and away from all the peering eyes.
"Marc?" Tori called as she knocked on the door. "Kurt needs to see you."
"Kurt!" he called. "Come in - I noticed you weren't here yesterday -" He cut himself off as Kurt walked in. "Oh, my. Have a seat."
Kurt plopped into the chair across from the large desk, sliding the portfolio to Marc. "I brought you my sketches and the list of all the models' measurements and what they're wearing. I'm sorry. I - I'm not sure if I'll be able to do Fashion Week after all …" He couldn't believe the words that had just come out of his mouth. But he could barely believe the words that had come out of Blaine's on Saturday, either. Maybe he'd been transported to an alternate universe. Maybe none of this was real. Maybe he was in the middle of a very long nightmare. Maybe -
"We'll be fine at Fashion Week, Kurt," Marc said, interrupting his thoughts. "All I'm concerned about right now is you. What happened?"
"I don't want to talk about it," Kurt said, blinking rapidly.
"Is it your father?"
Kurt shook his head silently.
"Is it Blaine?"
He looked at the floor.
"Alright," Marc said, nodding. "Is there someone I can call for you?"
Kurt shrugged.
"What about Rachel Berry? She introduced herself one day, and I know she's come to bring you lunch several times."
Kurt wordlessly fished his phone out of his back pocket and handed it over to his boss. "Call whoever you want," he said, his tone flat.
Marc scrolled through his contact list. "I'm going to put her on speakerphone," he said as Rachel's phone began to ring, "so you can hear everything we're saying, okay? I don't want you to feel like I'm going behind your back."
Kurt shrugged his shoulders again as Rachel answered. He could have cared less who Marc called and what he said. He just wanted to crawl back into his bed and never come out again.
"Kurt!" Rachel's voice lilted through the phone speakers. "Oh my god, I'm so glad you're calling - you will not believe what happened at the show last night -"
"Rachel? Hi, this is actually Marc Jacobs speaking. I believe we've met a few times."
"Marc - oh. Oh. Well. Hello, Mr. Jacobs." She paused. "Um -"
"I need you to come to the studio, please."
"Is Kurt there? Is he alright? Did he pass out or something?" she asked, her voice growing higher and more frantic with each question.
Marc sighed. "I think something happened with Blaine. He - he isn't quite himself. I think he needs to go home …"
Kurt stared at his lap as they talked, wondering when the tears would start up again, wondering if he had any tears left. He'd never felt so apathetic, so dead inside, not when he was being harassed and assaulted at McKinley, not when his dad was lying unresponsive in a hospital bed. He wore his anger and defiance like a shield at McKinley, and at Lima Memorial he clung to every shred of hope he could wrap his fingers around. But this was different. This felt like every good thing in his life - and oh, how good it had been for five short days - had been ripped from his hands, leaving him with shards for a heart and a shell for a body.
Marc must've finished talking with Rachel, because suddenly he was talking to Kurt, his eyes full of concern. "She's on her way, in case you didn't hear that last part. I'm sorry if you feel undermined, but I don't think you need to be alone."
Kurt nodded, but what Marc didn't understand was that this brand of emptiness wasn't going to go away just because Rachel was there.
"Have you talked to her? Does she know what's going on?" Marc asked.
Kurt shook his head.
"I have to say, Kurt - in all the years you've worked for me, I've never seen you like this. I wish you'd tell me what happened."
Kurt pulled the sleeves of the over-sized hoodie over his hands and buried his face in the soft material. It still smelled faintly of Blaine, and he inhaled deeply, letting the scent momentarily knit him together before he fell apart again.
"Okay," Marc said softly as Kurt began to cry. He came around to the other side of his desk to sit in the chair next to Kurt. "Alright, it's okay," he soothed, rubbing Kurt's back.
Kurt shook his head vehemently into the cotton - there were a lot of things this was, but okay was absolutely not one of them.
"I want you to take off all the time you need," Marc said, close to Kurt's ear. "I don't want you to even think about us here, unless you need us. Just get better, so you can come back to us, okay?"
Kurt sniffled into his sleeves, still not speaking, but he couldn't help but wonder - get better from what, exactly? He wasn't sick. There wasn't anything wrong with him. He was just broken, in a way that he'd never been broken before.
He sat, letting Marc try to comfort him, until Rachel stormed into Marc's office and immediately gathered him up into a hug. She could so easily be too much, too bright, too loud, too smothering, but at that moment, when he felt so small, she was just enough for both of them.
"Come on," she murmured in his ear. "I'm taking you home and getting you into your pj's, and you're going to tell me all about it, okay?"
"Rachel -" he croaked, letting his head fall onto her shoulder.
"Shhhh," she whispered, petting his hair. "Shhhh, it's going to be okay. I've got you."
* * *
An hour later, they were cuddled together under Kurt's covers, and his head was pillowed in Rachel's lap. They could hear Romeo from across the condo, whining at the door. He'd done it half the night, and Kurt had cried even harder when he'd realized that the dog was looking for Blaine.
"So he's gone? He just left you?" Rachel asked.
Kurt nodded miserably, sniffling.
"Do you know where he is?" She ran her fingernails over his product-free scalp, and he was reminded of his mother who used to do the same when he was sick.
"At Nick's."
"Is he coming back?"
"I don't know." Kurt looked out the bedroom door listlessly, aching as Romeo darted into the hall, then back toward the door, as if asking Kurt to come help him look for Blaine. He understood his dog's pain - Blaine had left a gaping hole in their home, turning their lives upside-down. Kurt wanted to go look for him, too. "He says he is. I just don't know when." He sighed heavily. "I don't think I've ever lost it like I'm losing it now."
"But you've never loved somebody like you love him, either." she pointed out, then paused. "Not even Violet, right?"
Kurt rolled to his back, his head still in Rachel's lap. "I don't think so. I would've, if we'd had her longer. And no doubt, I loved her. But - it's Blaine, Rach."
"I know."
His face crumbled for what seemed to be the hundredth time since Friday afternoon. "Do you think he's really coming back?"
"He said he would, didn't he? And he's always been so loyal to you - I think he will."
He wrapped his arms around her waist and pressed his face into her stomach. "Why is this happening to me?" he cried as she stroked her fingers down his back. "I don't understand - I was just trying to help -"
"Shhh," Rachel whispered, bending to kiss the top of his head, and then began to sing very softly. "When you're weary, feelin' small - when tears are in your eyes, I will dry them all…"
Kurt sobbed even harder, remembering when Mercedes sang that song for him in her church when he was so afraid his dad would leave him an orphan. Rachel rocked him slowly back and forth, singing to him all the while, and he clung to her like she was the only thing keeping him afloat. By the end of the song, she was crying with him.
"He'll come back, Kurt," she said confidently when she'd finished singing. "I know he will. You don't just throw away six years of marriage over something like this."
"I don't know … you didn't see him. I've never seen him so mad," Kurt said sadly. "I should've asked him, I should've -"
"You can't think like that," Rachel said, swiping a tear off his cheek with her thumb. "You can't go back and change things, sweetie. What's done is done. But just wait - he'll miss you so much, he'll be back in no time."
"I hope so," Kurt mumbled, hugging around her waist. "Thanks for coming to take care of me."
"Well, that's what best friends are for, right?" Kurt nodded as Rachel scooted back against the headboard of the bed. "Want me to stay till he comes back? We can be pretend-roommates, if you want," she said.
Kurt sniffled. "You'd do that? But what about the show? It's a longer commute from here, and -"
"Details, details," she said with a wave of her hand. "Come on. It'll be like our first year in New York together, only with more walls."
"But one less bed," Kurt pointed out.
"Psshhh," Rachel scoffed. "It wouldn't be the first time we slept together, and I'm sure it won't be the last." She placed her hand on his cheek, and he turned to look up at her. Her eyes grew dark and serious. "You're worrying me. It'd make me feel better if I could keep an eye on you. Please, just let me do this for you?"
Kurt looked up at the ceiling, thinking of how it might be to not have to face another day alone in an empty home. "Okay," he finally said. "You can stay. But the second you feel put out -"
"I'll let you know," Rachel finished for him. "I'm sure it won't be more than a few days, Kurt. But until then - my first order of business is getting you into a shower. How many days has it been?"
Kurt flushed. "I'd rather not say," he said, embarrassed. "I didn't exactly have anyone to look nice for, did I?"
She smiled sadly. "I remember a time when you didn't need anyone except yourself. Come on, sweetie, time for some tough love. You stink."
* * *
Thursday, September 7th, 2023
"So, I need to talk with you about something," Nick said as he and Blaine were having dinner.
"This sounds ominous …" Blaine said warily.
"Oh, no, not really. Jeff just wants to come visit this weekend."
"Oh, that's great!"
"I know," Nick agreed. "I've really missed him. But …"
"Oh," Blaine said as it dawned on him. "I'm on your couch."
"Which is great, and I totally don't mind, don't get me wrong," Nick said. "But one of you will have to sleep in the floor, or you'll have to go back to your place, which from what you've said isn't much of an option …"
"…Or Jeff will have to stay with Kurt," Blaine finished for him. He chuckled. "This is so weird."
"No kidding. So what do you think?"
"Well, normally I'd say I'd just sleep on the floor, but I'd actually feel better if somebody was there with Kurt. I hate the thought of him being at home alone."
"You should call him tonight and ask," Nick suggested. "You haven't talked to him since Saturday, right?"
"No," Blaine admitted. "But I don't think he wants to talk to me. I wouldn't want to talk to me …"
"You won't really know until you try though, will you?" Blaine arched an eyebrow, and Nick sighed. "I'm just saying, man," he said, "if this isn't a real split, and if you still want to be together when all this is done - you should talk to him. Or try, at least."
Blaine heaved a heavy sigh, planting his face on the table next to his Chinese takeout container. The wood was cool under his forehead, and it made him shiver. "You're probably right," he mumbled.
"Of course I'm right. But - there's one other thing."
"What's that?" Blaine asked, turning his head to rest his cheek on the table so he could see Nick's face.
Nick propped his chin on his hand. "Jeff mentioned something about all four of us going out, and I didn't have the heart to explain what was going on with you guys. I know it might be awkward -"
"Nick," Blaine groaned, "you didn't."
"I kind of did. I mean, you can still back out -"
Blaine sighed again, dragging himself upright again. "No, I think we can probably manage one night out together. It's not - we're not fighting. I mean, we were, but that's not why I - god, this is complicated."
"I'm sorry. This sucks."
"Understatement," Blaine said flatly, slurping a lo mein noodle into his mouth.
"Do you miss him?" Nick asked.
"I don't know." The words felt heavy in Blaine's mouth, like a piece of lead was weighing his tongue down. "I think - I love him. I'll always love him. But I don't know if I miss him yet or not."
"You're still mad."
"Wouldn't you be?"
"I don’t know," Nick answered honestly. "Probably? I have no idea how I'd react to what you've been through. And I also have no idea what it's like to love someone like you and Kurt love each other."
"Do you think I'm wrong to be mad?" Blaine asked, twisting his chopsticks through the noodles. For the last week he'd been an emotional roller coaster, his brain or heart or soul or something in him dragging him through the awful cycle of crying-angry-guilty-repeat. He felt a little like he was going crazy. He wondered if Nick thought so, too.
"I don't think you're wrong to feel anything that you're feeling. But I also don't think you should shut him out, or things might not work out like either of you want them to."
Blaine sighed. "I don't really know how Kurt wants things to work out, to be honest. I said some really awful things to him. I don't know if he'll ever forgive me."
"Didn't you tell me that he begged you to stay?" Nick questioned gently. "And he's the one who called you on Saturday, right?"
Blaine tugged a hand through his hair. It was true, what Nick said, but if the tables were turned and Kurt was the one who'd left him …
But he couldn't think about that, Kurt leaving him. Mostly because he didn't think Kurt would ever be that rash. He was so much better at talking about things than Blaine was; Kurt never buried his feelings until they all exploded on a heavy bag like Blaine did.
"Fine, you're right. I'll call him tonight." He paused, chewing on the end of one of his chopsticks. "I hope he's okay. Mad or not, I'm really worried about him - he wasn't doing very well before I left. I bet he's not eating."
Nick's eyes grew somber. "Was that why he almost passed out that day you moved me in?"
"Yeah." Blaine ran his hand through his hair again. "It's like his body sort of shuts down when he's stressed - he can't eat, and he feels sick all the time. Sometimes he actually throws up. We've been through it before, with exams in school, and when Burt had his second heart attack, but never for this long. He's lost a bunch of weight, and it's starting to scare me."
"I bet."
"I think it scares him too, more than he'll admit. I think Jeff staying with him is a really good idea."
"You know, nobody ever said you can't go over there and check on him," Nick said carefully.
"I know it sounds crazy, but I can't. I can't explain it very well, but I just - I don't want to be there right now. I have these nightmares -"
"I know. I can hear you at night sometimes."
Blaine stopped, stunned. He had no idea that he'd been crying out in his sleep, and it made him feel about five inches tall to know that he'd been keeping Nick up at night. "I'm sorry."
"I'm just worried about you," Nick told him. "I - when I say this, I'm not trying to be pushy, but - Blaine, have you ever thought about seeing somebody?"
"Seeing somebody?"
"Like seeing a counselor? Or therapist? Or whatever?"
Blaine blinked at him. "You sound like Kurt during our freshman year."
"What happened your freshman year?"
"Nothing in particular. Just - it was the first time I was out of the house, away from my parents. I kind of had a lot of baggage from so many years of trying to make them happy."
"Did you see somebody then?"
"No."
"Why not?"
"I just - I didn't, Nick. It's complicated. I did fine without it then, and I'm fine now. I'll get over it eventually, okay?" Blaine snapped, throwing his chopsticks into his take-out container. "I think I'll just go call Kurt, okay?"
Nick sighed. "Okay. Tell him I said hi."
Blaine didn't acknowledge Nick at all before walking out onto his tiny balcony, letting the cool autumn air wash over his face. Nick's words rang too loud as he replayed a conversation with his father in the back of his head.
"Dad - I was thinking, and I thought - if you and Mom didn't mind, of course - I was thinking -"
"Let's spit it out, Blaine, come on."
"I was thinking about seeing a therapist. When we get back to school, after break."
His dad's bespectacled eyes slowly appeared above the top of his newspaper. "You want to see a shrink?"
"Well, I was thinking -"
"Yeah, you've said that. Why? I thought you had this whole gay thing figured out."
"I do - it's not that -"
"Blaine, listen to me," his dad said, leaning forward to rest his elbows on his knees, his hands clasped between them. "Shrinks are for weak people who can't deal with life themselves. Schizophrenics. Those bipolar crazies. People like that."
"But Rachel's been seeing one since -"
"Haven't you figured out that 'women' and 'bipolar crazies' are synonymous, son?" Blaine's dad asked with a laugh, sobering when Blaine didn't react. "Oh, I'm sorry. I forgot you've never slept with one before."
Blaine glared at him. "That doesn’t mean I don't have female friends. Are you saying that mom is bipolar, too?"
His father rolled his eyes. "Of course not, Blaine, I was kidding."
"And what if she was? What if she needed to go to therapy?"
"Blaine, she isn't. She wouldn't," he said firmly. "And besides all that, shrinks will make you crazy when you're not. They'll analyze things that have no business being analyzed, and they'll want to put you on all sorts of medications that you don't need. You can't trust them."
"But Dad -"
"Look, are you suicidal?"
"No!"
"Are you hallucinating? Do you hear voices that aren't there?"
"No, but -"
"Then you aren't crazy, and you don't need to see a shrink. What on earth would you talk to one about, anyway?"
Blaine blinked at his dad. "Nothing," he said after a long pause. "You're right."
"Of course I am. Now, I don't want to hear another word about it, are we clear?"
"Yes sir."
He closed his eyes and leaned against the railing, trying to make his father's voice disappear as well. It wasn't working - all the awful things his dad has said still bounced around the inside of his skull, his voice echoing between Blaine's ears. Eventually he gave up trying, and called the only person who could make it go away, the only person whose clear, ringing voice could replace his father's booming baritone.
* * *
"Kurt, you have to drink this now," Rachel said, pushing half of a protein shake across the table toward him.
"He's not back." Kurt stared listlessly at the door. "It's been six days. He's not coming back, Rach."
"He is coming back, and I'm not letting him see you walking around on bird legs when he does," she said, nudging the shake closer to him. "Ribs are not sexy, Kurt. Drink."
"I don't think we have to worry about that, since Blaine doesn't seem to care if he ever sees my ribs again," he grumbled, but sipped on the straw anyway.
After seeing how much weight he'd really lost, Rachel had made it her mission to push calories and nutrition on him. Too tired and weak to protest, Kurt had done exactly what she'd been telling him, and after three days of better nourishment than he'd had in a long time, he was starting to feel a little bit stronger, if no less heartsick.
"Good," she said, sounding satisfied. "Now, are you doing yoga with me in the morning? I really think doing the sun salutation would help -" she started, but was interrupted by Kurt's cell.
Sweet pea, apple of my eye…
Kurt dove for the phone, recognizing the sweet lyrics of Blaine's ringtone from anywhere.
"Hello?" he said, trying not to sound too desperate.
"Hi, Kurt."
Kurt's heart fluttered on hummingbird wings at the sound of his husband's voice. "Hey." He looked up at Rachel. "It's Blaine!" he mouthed emphatically.
They paused, and Kurt felt like an idiot. There were so many things he wanted to blurt out - "I love you," "I miss you," "I think I've forgotten how to breathe without you," but he was terrified to say any of it. What if Blaine rejected him again? Where would that leave him?
"What've you been doing?" he finally asked.
"Nothing," Blaine said simply. "You? How's Fashion Week prep?"
"Oh, um …" Kurt trailed off. "I'm taking a little time off."
"Oh," Blaine said. "Well … good."
"Yeah."
A long, awkward silence hung over the phone, making Kurt's skin prickle.
"So - I have a favor to ask," Blaine blurted out.
Anything, if it means you'll come back to me. "What is it?"
"Jeff wants to come visit this weekend, and Nick only has one couch. I was gonna see if you didn't mind him staying with you …"
Kurt felt like a ton of bricks had just dropped into his stomach. Why can't you just come home where you belong? he wanted to demand. But clearly that wasn't what Blaine wanted. "Oh, um, sure. Rachel's been staying over here the last couple days, too, if that's okay with him." Because she's the only thing keeping me going right now.
"Oh, okay." Blaine's voice sounded stilted. "When, uh, when did Rachel start staying over there?"
When I had a nervous breakdown. "On Tuesday."
"Oh. Um. How is she?"
"Helpful. And here," Kurt said before he could stop himself. He heard Blaine sigh on the other end of the line. "She's good, Blaine - typical Rachel, but I'm glad she's staying with me."
"Uh - why is she there?"
Don’t make me say it, Kurt begged silently.
"Kurt?"
"I -" Kurt bit his lip to keep from crying. "I needed my best friend."
"Oh." Blaine sounded a little crestfallen. "Of course. Well, thanks for this weekend. With Jeff."
"You're welcome."
"Well - I guess I'll let you go. It's starting to get late, and Nick wants to watch the first Giants game of the season …"
Already? Kurt wanted to scream. You'd rather watch football than talk to me? "Okay," he said instead. "Well - I guess I'll see you sometime this weekend? When Jeff is here?"
"Oh, yeah, about that - he wanted to do something with all four of us. Would - are you opposed to that idea? I can tell Nick to ask him -"
"It's fine, Blaine. I'm not - it's not like I don't want to see you."
"Oh." Blaine sounded surprised. "Okay."
"Okay," Kurt repeated, gripping the countertop tightly, trying to rein in his voice so Blaine wouldn't hear how thick it was. "I'll see you this weekend, sometime?"
"Yeah, sounds good. Night."
"Goodnight, Blaine."
Tears were threatening to spill from Kurt's eyes as he looked up at Rachel, who was waiting for details expectantly. "I think I need a Julie Andrews marathon."
She nodded resolutely. "Sound of Music?" she asked.
"No, I think I want to start with Mary Poppins, actually," he said. "Although, be prepared - I'm going to cry through the entire 'Stay Awake' song, for reasons I don't really want to talk about."
"Oh, Kurt," she sighed. "It was on your lullaby CD, wasn't it?"
He nodded, biting his lip hard, and she took his arm and curled next to him on the couch.
"Maybe Blaine was right," he said as the overture for the movie began to play. "Maybe I should never have suggested we have a baby in the first place."
* * *
Friday, September 8th, 2023
"Go long, go long, go long," Nick chanted as the player he was controlling on his XBOX threw the football and … "Yes!! Go, go, go - come on, Je-" The name faltered on his lips as Blaine, with his mop of dark curls, threw his hands in the air and gave Nick a high-five.
"Touchdown!" Blaine exclaimed, and Nick grinned at him, but it didn't feel quite genuine. Apparently Blaine could tell, because a concerned look crossed his face. "What's wrong?"
"I didn't mean to almost call you Jeff just then," he said. "I just -"
"You miss him, and you're thinking about him, and you can't wait for him to come tomorrow," Blaine said. "I know - it's okay, man. No worries. I'm not judging."
Blaine might not have been judging, but Nick sure was. It didn't feel normal, getting as excited as he was about seeing his best friend. Did other guys get insomnia from simply anticipating a flight that wouldn't arrive for another three days? Did they spend hours planning and obsessing over exactly what parts of New York to show their friends when they only had a short time with them? It seemed more like something you'd do for a girlfriend. And Jeff was definitely not his girlfriend.
That being said, he missed him more than he'd ever missed Caroline the whole time they dated.
"It's just - we played this game together in Chicago all the time, and -"
"Nick," Blaine said, setting his game controller down and placing a steady hand on Nick's arm. "Take a deep breath, man. I'm seriously not offended. That was far from the worst thing anyone's ever called me …"
"I know," Nick sighed. "I just - I'm getting all antsy. I just want him here."
"I know you do. I see you shiver with antici-" Blaine stopped and grinned, looking at Nick expectantly.
Nick raised his eyebrows, a little unsure of what he wanted, and Blaine's face fell.
"Sorry," he said, casting his eyes down. "In-joke." He coughed out an awkward laugh and rubbed his eyes. "Jesus, this sucks …" he mumbled to himself, then took a deep, steadying breath and looked up at Nick again. "So, you were saying …"
"I just - I'm excited to see him. That's all."
"Do you think I have a problem with that, Nick? Because I don't. I have a much bigger problem that because my ass is on your couch, I'm screwing up your whole weekend, actually. What's going on with you? You've been friends for years."
"I know. I just - I don't know. Let's just forget about it, okay? Start a new game?"
Blaine shrugged. "Whatever you say, man. But can we switch to Call of Duty? I kind of feel like shooting things all of a sudden …"
Chapter 21