Too in Love to Let it Go, Chapter 11
Title: Too in Love to Let it Go
Author: gingerandfair/lavender_love00
Genre: AU/Married!Klaine/future-fic
Rating: NC-17
Word count: 3700/200,000
Spoilers: none
Chapter summary: You remember those tissues I was talking about in the last chapter? You should probably buy stock in those tissues. You will NEED those tissues.
So I don't really love posting spoilery stuff before a chapter, but I'm going to this time because this isn't an easy chapter to read. If you are triggered by loss of any sort, if you are triggered by extreme angst or heartache, or if you're a mom and have lots of feels about losing a child, you can email me or message me and I'll be more than happy to give a short synopsis of this chapter. My poor betas were subjected to this, and neither one of them got through it very easily, so I wanted to warn for that before we got started.
Prologue (LJ/AO3/Tumblr/S&C) - Chapter 1 (LJ/AO3/Tumblr/S&C) - Chapter 2 (LJ/AO3/Tumblr/S&C) - Chapter 3 ( LJ/AO3/Tumblr/S&C) - Chapter 4 ( LJ/AO3/Tumblr/S&C) - Chapter 5 ( LJ/AO3/Tumblr/S&C) - Chapter 6 ( LJ/AO3/Tumblr/S&C) - Chapter 7 ( LJ/AO3/Tumblr/S&C) - Chapter 8 on (LJ/AO3/Tumblr/S&C) Chapter 9 (LJ/AO3/Tumblr/S&C) - Chapter 10 (LJ/AO3/Tumblr/S&C)
Read Chapter 11 on AO3/Tumblr/S&C
Chapter 11
Tuesday, June 27th, 2023
"Kurt, honey, is that strawberry-rhubarb pie?" Carole asked as she walked into the kitchen.
"It is," Blaine answered for him, pulling his hand back as Kurt swatted at it for stealing a handful of toasted pine nuts from the bowl on the counter.
"Oh, that's my favorite!" she exclaimed.
"I know," Kurt smiled, craning his neck so he could look at her. "We wanted to thank you guys for everything you've done this week - you have no idea how much it's helped. And Blaine - you know I love you dearly, but I swear, if you eat any more of those pine nuts …"
"How did you even see me? I'm in your blind spot!"
"Haven't you heard? Eyes grow on the back of your head as soon as you become a parent. Are yours not in yet?" Kurt asked, his eyes twinkling.
"Apparently not," Blaine grumbled. "I'm gonna go find something useful to do. Want me to see if Vi needs a diaper change before dinner?"
"Got that covered already!" they heard Burt holler out, and Carole smiled fondly.
"He's been talking about being a grandpa for months. Please tell me you'll come visit us more than once a year, because if not, I think he'll drive me crazy. Or, even worse, he'll go crazy and sell the shop and move to the city," she said with a grin.
"He would never," Kurt said haughtily.
"He might. He loves that baby, Kurt."
"So do we," Blaine grinned.
"Blaine, is that your phone?" Kurt asked, tipping his head to the side. Blaine stopped to listen.
"Yeah, I'll go grab it - I think you've got all this under control," he said, gesturing to the kitchen in general.
He hurried back to the bedroom, barely catching the phone before it stopped ringing.
"Hello?"
"Blaine? It's Karen. I'm so sorry - I have bad news."
* * *
Blaine clutched the porcelain sides of the pedestal sink in the bathroom, taking deep breaths as the faucet ran loud. He looked up into the mirror, saw wet, red-rimmed eyes. He couldn't remember when he'd started to cry.
He needed to leave, go to the kitchen, tell Kurt. He couldn't hide in the bathroom forever.
Hide. That could work - they could take Violet, build some futuristic underground high-tech cave, untraceable with GPS, and hide out for the rest of their days. They'd be fine as long as they had a piano.
He coughed out an angry laugh. "Don't be ridiculous, Blaine," he scoffed at his reflection, eyes dark with rage and disbelief, still completely shocked with what Karen had just told him. His hands shook as he gulped down a wave of nausea, all the hair on his body standing on end.
How was he going to tell Kurt? He was about to break his husband's heart, just as his own heart was breaking - and there was Burt to think about, and Carole - what if he sent his father-in-law to the hospital with an actual heart attack?
Why was this happening?
His stomach rolled and he shook harder, his bones trembling deep beneath his skin. He sank to the floor, head in his hands, and let the tears come.
He had no idea how many minutes had passed before the knock came, but he heard Kurt's soft voice on the other side of the door saying, "Blaine? Are you sick?"
He almost laughed at the question - yes. Sick just about covered it.
Kurt waited a few moments, then creaked open the door.
"Blaine, honey, dinner's getting cold - what's wrong? God, you're pale, and - Blaine, are you crying?"
Kurt busied himself in the bathroom, pulling a washcloth out of the cabinet they'd hung neatly on the wall when they moved in, wetting it under the faucet that Blaine never had turned off.
"Kurt, come here," Blaine croaked out.
"Shhh," Kurt whispered, turning off the faucet and kneeling on the hard bathroom floor, "Here, sweetheart, this will make you feel better." He draped the wet cloth across Blaine's neck, and a cold chill ran like electricity through Blaine's skin.
"Kurt, I have to tell you something," Blaine tried again.
"You think you're pregnant?" Kurt quipped, winking at him. "Because that would be an interesting turn of events."
"No, no, listen - this is serious," Blaine said, cupping Kurt's face in his hands. Kurt stilled and his expression turned somber. "That was Karen on the phone."
"Karen? What did she want?"
"She - Abby met with her. And the lawyer." Blaine swallowed hard against the bile that burned his throat. The room spun and his entire body quaked, his heels bouncing up and down on the floor, his knees knocking together like bobblehead dolls.
"And?" Kurt asked, perfectly still, his eyes wide.
"And - Kurt, I don't know how to tell you this, god -"
"Blaine. Blaine - just - what happened, honey?" Kurt's voice took on a frantic tone as he wiped Blaine's tears away with the washcloth.
Blaine removed Kurt's hands from his face, taking them in both of his own.
"Abby has decided -" he started, then paused, taking a gasping breath. "She said - Violet - Kurt, we have to give her back."
Kurt stared.
"Did - do you understand?"
"Give her back?" Kurt asked, gaping at him. "What do you mean, give her back?"
"Abby's taken back parental custody. Legally. She terminated the adoption," Blaine said, trying to keep his voice steady, closing his eyes against the dizziness that made the room tip and tilt.
"She did what?" Kurt's whisper was fierce and angry. "She - why?"
"Kurt, I don't know, I just -" Blaine said, too dizzy and too shocked still to reach out, to ask for what he needed.
"Did you tell her that was not acceptable, Blaine?" Kurt asked, his voice sharp as ice. "Did you tell her that we need to meet with her first, to discuss why this absolutely cannot happen?"
"Kurt, it's -"
"Because if you cannot protect our child, then I most certainly will. Where's your phone? I'm calling Karen myself."
"No, Kurt, I -"
"Your phone, Blaine."
Blaine's stomach lurched, and he pushed Kurt out of the way and fell forward onto his knees, grabbing the cold sides of the toilet and emptying the contents his stomach into the bowl.
He coughed and gagged until he could barely breathe, and when he finally resurfaced, he fell against the tub shaking harder than ever, swiping his mouth with the back of his hand. "Can I have that washcloth, now?" he asked, his throat raw and burning.
Kurt stared at him again, this time with tears in his eyes. "Blaine, I'm sorry, I didn't mean -"
"No, it's okay. I know - I'm sorry, I didn't want to - Kurt, I can't -" he stumbled, his face screwing up into what he knew was an ugly expression as he tried to speak around his tears.
"I know," Kurt said, bending over him, gently wiping his face again, "that you must have done everything, asked every question -" He cut himself off as tears started rolling down his cheeks as well.
"She said that we can't meet with Abby. That - it's a legal thing, Kurt, we have no rights, we're still in the thirty-day period before anything is binding. There's nothing we can do."
Kurt sank to his knees and pulled Blaine up into a tight hug, precisely what Blaine had needed the entire time. They gripped each other, their tears leaving wet spots on cheeks and necks and collars.
Blaine let himself get lost in Kurt's embrace for a moment, still shaking but his nausea momentarily calmed.
"Our baby -" Kurt whispered brokenly into Blaine's shoulder, and Blaine clutched him tighter and let out a deep sob. Kurt pulled back, wet eyes searching Blaine's. "There's really nothing we can do?"
Blaine shook his head sadly.
"When do they take her?" Blaine didn't want to say it. "When, Blaine?" Kurt demanded.
"Tonight."
* * *
"They sure are taking a long time," Finn's voice rang down the hallway as Kurt and Blaine staggered out of the bathroom. "The food's getting cold. You think they're okay?"
"I don't know, honey," Carole answered him.
"I'm sure they're fine, aren't they sweetie? Your daddies will be right back," they heard Burt coo to the baby, and Kurt turned into Blaine's chest again.
"I can't do this," he muttered against the soft cotton. "I can't. How - my dad - his heart -"
"Shhh," Blaine breathed, gripping the back of his head protectively. "Shhh."
Kurt allowed himself to be held for a moment - there was no safer place than Blaine's arms, and he let his cheek rest against his husband's, basking in the comfort that only Blaine could give him. Finally, he took a shaky breath. "Okay. Let's go."
They walked out of the bedroom into the open living-dining room, the dimming evening light still streaming through the windows.
"See?" Burt said as they approached, walking clumsily, still clinging to each other. "There are your daddies now!" He had the baby curled against his chest, and she was awake, gazing up at him.
Kurt's breath caught in his chest.
"Man, I thought you guys would never come back - hey, what's wrong?" Finn asked, the first to notice their tears.
"Um," Kurt said, knowing he was squeezing the life out of Blaine's hand, "um - I don't know how to say this …"
"Well just spit it out, Kurt, what happened?" Burt asked, his eyes full of concern.
"They - they, um -" The words wouldn't leave Kurt's mouth. He looked over to Blaine, silently begging him to take this burden from him.
"Karen called," Blaine said tiredly for the second time that evening. "Our social worker? It - uh, it seems that the adoption has fallen through. Abby signed papers to take back her parental rights this morning. They - they're coming to get her tonight."
If Kurt's heart wasn't already shattered to pieces, it fell apart completely as he watched his dad's face crumble.
"How can she -"
"There's a thirty-day waiting period …" Blaine tried to explain, his voice thin. "Please, Burt - please don't make me go through it all again."
Carole nearly knocked her chair over in her rush to get to them. "Oh, my boys," she said, tugging them both into one tight hug. Her tears came easily, and she cried openly as she petted their hair. "Oh, boys, I'm so, so sorry, oh -"
"They're taking her?" Burt asked, bewildered. He looked down at the baby in his arms. "They're taking her? From you?"
Kurt looked over Carole's shoulder and nodded at him, tears filling his eyes again.
Burt was next to Carole in a flash, shoving the baby at Finn, who'd followed him, as he tugged Kurt from his wife's arms into his own. "Kurt, oh son -" Kurt felt like he'd been ripped open as he heard his father's voice break and quiet, gasping sobs escape his mouth. "Kurt -"
"I know, Dad, it's not fair -" The words died on his lips, his thoughts unfinished as he cried into his dad's t-shirt.
* * *
"Life was supposed to get easier for you boys, not harder," Burt said, pacing the floor after the initial shock, his grief turned to anger.
Blaine and Kurt were coiled together on the couch as Violet slept soundly in their laps. Finn sat on the floor beside them, idly petting Romeo as he whined, too aware of the tension in the room, and Carole sat in the recliner, her knees pulled up to her chest.
"It's not fair," Burt growled. "You get knocked down and beat down and held down every step of the way, and you manage to fight through it, and the one time that anything good happens to you other than each other, somebody has to take it away!"
"Burt," Carole warned, but there was no fight in her voice.
"I just - I wish there was something I could do," he said, his hands falling helplessly to his sides. "I hate seeing you like this. And I - I was looking forward to her so much -" Burt trailed off and turned his back to them, head bent, hands on his hips.
"I'm going to read her a story," Kurt said decisively, moving Violet to Blaine's arms as he walked into the living room. "Dad, sit down. I can't concentrate with you pacing like that."
With a heavy sigh, Burt pulled Carole up from her spot in the recliner, sat, and pulled her back down in his lap. "I need you close," he murmured in her ear, and Blaine gave them a wan smile.
Kurt returned with a book in one hand and a full box of tissues in the other.
"Kurt - no, not that one, I won't make it through that one -" Blaine said, his eyes widening as he saw which book Kurt carried.
"Blaine, if there is one message I want to leave with our daughter, this is it," he said firmly, and sat down. He took a deep breath and Blaine squeezed his hand tightly, moving Violet to a more comfortable position.
"Vi, listen to Papa really close, okay?" Blaine murmured to the baby. "We mean every word."
Kurt cracked open the book and began to read. "I wanted you more than you ever will know, so I sent love to follow wherever you go …" His voice broke before he got through the first line, and he dabbed at the corners of his eyes with a tissue.
"Maybe this wasn't the best idea," he muttered, sniffling, but shook his head and continued. "It's high as you wish it, it's quick as an elf - you'll never outgrow it; it stretches itself!"
He read until the tears were too much, and Blaine kissed his temple and took the book from him.
"And if someday you're lonely, or someday you're sad, or you strike out at baseball or think you've been bad," Blaine read, his voice shaking, "just lift up your face, feel the wind in your hair - that's me, my sweet baby, my love is right there."
Kurt rested his head on Blaine's, gazing into Violet's face. When Blaine's voice became too thick with tears, Kurt took back over. "So hold your head high," he read with a watery smile, "and don't be afraid to march at the front of your own parade. If you're still my small babe or you're all the way grown, my promise to you is you're never alone." He paused, squeezing his eyes shut, biting down hard on his lip, holding back the tears until the book was done. "You're my angel, my darling, my star, and my love will find you wherever you are."
They looked up to see Carole softly crying into Burt's shoulder, and Finn had his head laid sideways on his knees, a sad, wistful expression on his face.
"I still can't believe this," Burt said, fire in his eyes. "Who does she think she is? Does she think Violet will have a better life with her or something? It's not true - don't ever let anybody tell you that it was better this way. You boys are the best examples of parent-material I know -"
"Burt, shhh," Carole whispered, her hand grasping the back of his head.
"I think," Blaine said, his eyes closed, "that I'd like to be alone with her and Kurt for a few minutes - is that okay with you?" He turned to Kurt, eyes opening wide. "Or do you need to be with your family right now?"
Kurt's heart ached at his husband's words. "Blaine, you are my family. Come on, let's go to the nursery."
Carole reached out and squeezed both their hands as they walked by.
"I don't know how to do this," Blaine whispered brokenly, once the door had clicked shut behind them.
"Nobody should know how to do this, honey," Kurt said, settling in their lavender glider and pulling Blaine into his lap, nestling Violet close to both of them. "God - this is such a nightmare."
"Except we don't get to wake up from this," Blaine said sadly, shifting in Kurt's lap. He curled his body around Violet and Kurt held them both, stroking Blaine's back, running his fingers through his hair.
They sat in silence until she began to get fussy, and Blaine wordlessly uncurled himself and went to get a bottle. He slammed cabinet doors as he found the formula and her bottles, and mixed the last bottle they'd ever feed her.
"Fuck," he whispered, holding the counter hard as the room began to spin again. Seconds later, he felt a strong hand grasp his shoulder.
"Just hold it together for a little bit longer," Burt said gently in his ear. "You can fall apart after she's gone."
Blaine spun around to face him. "But how -"
"You do what you have to for your kids, Blaine, even when it feels impossible," Burt told him.
"Yeah, well, she's not my kid anymore, is she?" Blaine asked bitterly.
Burt raised his eyebrows. "In here," he said, placing his index finger on Blaine's chest, over his heart, "she'll always be yours."
* * *
They'd managed to find their voices enough to sing to Violet when they heard a loud rap at the door.
"Can't you give them just a few more minutes?" they heard Carole ask tearfully. "Please - are you a mother? Do you have children?"
They couldn't hear Karen's answer. Blaine prayed to everything he never believed in that she would just go away.
She didn't.
"Kurt? Blaine?" Karen asked softly, knocking on the nursery door.
They didn't answer, and the door opened a crack.
"I'm so sorry," Karen said, her eyes looking watery. "I - our adoptions don't usually end like this. I don't want to take her from you. This - well - this is hard for me, too. I want you to know that."
Kurt's anger flared. "Hard for you?" he hissed. "Really? Hard for you? You get to go home tonight to an intact family. You don't have to stare at a crib that your baby won't ever get to sleep in again. You don't have to figure out how you and your husband are supposed to pick up the pieces of your broken hearts and keep on living in a world where your child isn't anymore. I'd love to hear how this is hard for you …"
Karen looked up at him. "I'm sorry, Kurt."
"Damn right you're sorry," he muttered.
She held up an envelope. "Abby sent this. Read it whenever you feel comfortable - I know you're angry with her right now. I'll just leave it here on the table, alright?"
Kurt nodded, staring her down.
"Have you said your goodbyes yet?"
Blaine barked out a broken laugh. "Our goodbyes? How are we supposed to say goodbye to our baby, exactly? I don't - I can't -"
"Just take her." Kurt's voice was fierce as he held the baby close one last time, whispering a firm 'I love you' in her ear, and held her out for Blaine, who clutched her to his chest.
"Blaine, I don't want to have to take her from you," Karen prodded gently when he kept holding her.
"I never - we wanted to take her to the zoo," he said helplessly. "We wanted to take her to Broadway, Kurt was going to make her clothes. We just got her - we've never had a Christmas or a birthday or -"
He stopped, unable to say anymore, and Kurt's hand came to rest on the small of his back.
"I need you to give her to me, okay?" Karen said.
He shook his head. "I can't," he croaked. "How am I supposed to -"
Karen sighed. "I'm sorry," she said, stepping closer and lifting her carefully from Blaine's arms.
He folded into Kurt, whose arms clamped around his back like a vice, and tried to breathe.
"Karen, wait …" Kurt begged as she reached the door. She stopped and turned around. "She needs her blanket. And - oh god, her bottles, and she takes a special kind of formula because she spits up - oh, why didn't I pack her a bag - oh my god -"
"Can't you wait long enough for us to get her things?" Blaine asked, looking up from Kurt's shoulder.
Karen looked at them sympathetically. "Of course I can."
"Okay - um - what do we need, honey? Her blanket," Kurt said, grabbing the soft Minky Dot blanket from the crib. Blaine pulled a flowered shoulder bag, originally intended to be her beach bag, from the shelf on her closet and began stuffing things in it.
"She needs her books - she can't go without bedtime stories, I want her to love books," Blaine babbled, sweeping the five they'd read the night before into the bag. "And - I'll go get her bottles and her formula and stuff, you pack stuff in here, okay?"
Kurt nodded, rifling through her closet for the clothes he wanted to send.
Blaine ran to the kitchen, pulling formula out of the cabinets and stacking it in his arms.
"What do you think you're doing?" Burt asked, his hands on his hips.
"Getting her formula together - god, we were about to send her away with nothing - Burt, tell me this isn't happening …"
"You're sending it to Abby? Blaine, she's taking your kid away - you don't owe her anything."
Blaine stared at him, flabbergasted, as Kurt ran into the kitchen with the already-full bag.
"Blaine, it's full already - is there anything else we can pack her bottles in?"
He turned to Kurt. "What about one of those huge gift bags from the shower?"
"Oh, no. You are not sending shit to that girl in a fucking gift bag," Burt growled.
"Dad? We will send what we want to who we want in what we want," Kurt snapped. "This stopped being about us the second that we walked Violet through that door, and we are not sending her out of it with nothing. She needs her things and we will give them to her. I don't want her screaming all night in pain because of an upset stomach and a mother who doesn't know her baby well enough to know what kind of formula she takes. Give me the bottles, Blaine."
Blaine gave Burt a pointed look as he walked out of the kitchen behind Kurt with an armful of cans of Similac Sensitive.
Chapter 12