Let's be mild and say I'm feeling slightly frustrated

[lauand]

Actually I'm in a horrible mood today for unrelated things (unrelated to what? Just unrelated, in general) and I was browsing through an artist's Tumblr and got the powerful itch to draw something myself. Fanart, because that's what I enjoy drawing the most. And then I thought that LJ is dead and realized: "what for?", or rather "for whom, if

Comments

[chomiji]

I'll see it! *pleading Gojyo-chan eyes*

[lauand]

Arrrgh!! Not the Gojyo-chan eyes!! That's cheating!!!!

[viridian5]

I enjoy looking at your work, even when it's in fandoms I'm not really familiar with. I've been having problems writing more installments of my "Glass Houses" from lack of the fan interaction that helped light a creative fire under me.

[lauand]

Thank you, I do appreciate your kind words. Greatly.

Yes, that's exactly my problem. Fandom is (has been?) such a hugh part of my life, that I'm feeling a bit at a loss now that there's nearly no interaction in it. My old, trusted fandoms are rather dead and my new ones are Tumblr and AO3 based and 95% of the authors I enjoy are not replying comments anymore. That means that the discussion and the sense of community is gone, and that was the part that sparked and fanned the will to create and contribute. I miss it so fucking much, you have no idea. Only, yes, you have. But other people probably don't and that's also affecting me, because in fandom I didn't feel so weird and alone, and now fandom is just for reading and viewing and not for belonging and I find myself out of sorts and weird and alone again.

[viridian5]

I really miss having an interactive community. I'm so glad it still existed right after my brain surgery and the first few years of my disability after it, since it's very easy to feel isolated when you're no longer working and can't physically go out as much. Creating stuff for people gives me a feeling of purpose for still being around. Still disabled, my no longer having those links to other people online has been contributing to my recent feelings of isolation and depression, though I know part of my problem is me still deeply mourning my grandmother who died a few week ago. The fandoms I write in don't often get comments on AO3.

[lauand]

YES. That's it. Only, in my case I've always been an introvert and felt different to other people, so finding an online community in which I could pace interaction and write my thoughts instead of speaking them aloud in real time was deeply satisfying, most especially because we had something in common, a passion that other people might not understand. I can't imagine how it must be for you, with all the problems a disability adds to social interaction and life in general, and I'm also aware that your family situation is not ideal, either. But omg, I understand so much what you're saying...

Also, I'm deeply sorry for your loss.

[indelicateink]

Oh man, I feel I could've written this word. for. word. TOTALLY FEEL YOU ON THESE FEELINGS. I've been feeling so lousy for so long because of that sense of loss... it was great belonging to fandoms, but they dissipated... and getting involved in new ones is nigh impossible with current social media platforms (to me, anyway).

Just the other day I was like, fuck it, I am going to draw some fanart of some story. But then I realized... why? D: It's horrible being in this kind of mood.

[lauand]

I thought I was aware and grateful for it before, but I don't think I totally realized how important fandom was for me, how big an impact it had on my personal social system. Now that it's missing there's a huge hole there and it's imbalacing me, which added to the mess of my RL presents quite the problem for my emotional stability. Who would have thought that something so apparently shallow as gay porn could affect so much my mental health.

The worst thing is that I don't know what we can do to fix this. Dammit.

[indelicateink]

Exactly, exactly. I mean, our RL situations are unique/different of course, but I also just really feel that loss of fandom in my life. It really made me feel good, and like I was a part of something. Going without, I've become desperately depressed.

Who would have thought that something so apparently shallow as gay porn could affect so much my mental health.*nods, nods* I don't quite have the chutzpah to bring this up with my doctors. "My life had meaning until I no longer had my community of people who enjoyed creating stuff about imaginary gay dudes

[lauand]

Yes, of course it isn't about "gay porn" (although I still find it funny, when simplified that way), it's about belonging, mostly, and about how deeply satisfying it was to have a network of like-minded people who wrote and draw and for whom you wrote and draw in return, and how their personal traits also seeped in the interaction and their sense of humor connected with yours and it was a core of people who shared that extremely weird passion you couldn't make other people in your circles understand because, well, simplifying it again, it's "gay porn" and most people can't compute that a heterosexual cis woman (in my case, but any other combination of sexuality and gender also applies) can be interested (much less so passionate) about that

[enismirdal]

Yeah, LJ is quiet these days. For what its worth, I read pretty much every 1-2 days, I just don't comment all that much.

[lauand]

This situation I'm going through with fandom is spurring me into commenting a bit more (instead of a bit less) than I usually did, but sometimes it's just hard. I check my friends' page everyday, but there's not much in there anymore. I can't understand how fandom in general has switched to platforms that virtually abolish the possibility to interact. I thought it was all about the community. I don't know.

[lauand]

THANK YOU. But that's not the general impression LJ has been giving me for the last months/years.

Ha, ha, YOU'RE SO KIND AND AMAZING!! It's an honour, really, to have my pictures on your wall. Thank you.

Precisely on Sunday I listened to three albums of Metallica. I only listen to Metallica when I'm angry. You can measure my level of fury with that (needing three whole albums to start to calm down a little is a fucking lot) (And I didn't calm down as much, I'm still fucking angry, but that's not here not there. Just that, well, your mentioning Metallica now is funny because it had been quite a long time since I had last listened to them).

I started weeping for the past days at age eight. But well, I was a pretty weird child. So I wouldn't feel particularly old, were I you, just for a little bout of nostalgy.

[lauand]

NO, YOU!! DAMMIT, TAKATORIIIII!!!!!11!1!1!!!!!!!1!1!!

Hmmm, I'm with the masses there, I'm not overly fond of the "No Prayer for the Dying" myself. "Powerslave" or "Fear of the Dark" on the other hand...

Strangely enough, customer have been the best part of my work these past days. All the assholes apparently went to Germany this week.