Let's be mild and say I'm feeling slightly frustrated

[lauand]

Actually I'm in a horrible mood today for unrelated things (unrelated to what? Just unrelated, in general) and I was browsing through an artist's Tumblr and got the powerful itch to draw something myself. Fanart, because that's what I enjoy drawing the most. And then I thought that LJ is dead and realized: "what for?", or rather "for whom, if

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[indelicateink]

Oh man, I feel I could've written this word. for. word. TOTALLY FEEL YOU ON THESE FEELINGS. I've been feeling so lousy for so long because of that sense of loss... it was great belonging to fandoms, but they dissipated... and getting involved in new ones is nigh impossible with current social media platforms (to me, anyway).

Just the other day I was like, fuck it, I am going to draw some fanart of some story. But then I realized... why? D: It's horrible being in this kind of mood.

[lauand]

I thought I was aware and grateful for it before, but I don't think I totally realized how important fandom was for me, how big an impact it had on my personal social system. Now that it's missing there's a huge hole there and it's imbalacing me, which added to the mess of my RL presents quite the problem for my emotional stability. Who would have thought that something so apparently shallow as gay porn could affect so much my mental health.

The worst thing is that I don't know what we can do to fix this. Dammit.

[indelicateink]

Exactly, exactly. I mean, our RL situations are unique/different of course, but I also just really feel that loss of fandom in my life. It really made me feel good, and like I was a part of something. Going without, I've become desperately depressed.

Who would have thought that something so apparently shallow as gay porn could affect so much my mental health.*nods, nods* I don't quite have the chutzpah to bring this up with my doctors. "My life had meaning until I no longer had my community of people who enjoyed creating stuff about imaginary gay dudes

[lauand]

Yes, of course it isn't about "gay porn" (although I still find it funny, when simplified that way), it's about belonging, mostly, and about how deeply satisfying it was to have a network of like-minded people who wrote and draw and for whom you wrote and draw in return, and how their personal traits also seeped in the interaction and their sense of humor connected with yours and it was a core of people who shared that extremely weird passion you couldn't make other people in your circles understand because, well, simplifying it again, it's "gay porn" and most people can't compute that a heterosexual cis woman (in my case, but any other combination of sexuality and gender also applies) can be interested (much less so passionate) about that

[lauand]

Thus proving my point, dammit.

[abd_alscience]

Yes, I had this revelation a couple yrs ago while reading some fanfic. I made the joke that I was fantasizing about gay porn (since that is sometimes what some slash fic is).

[lauand]

Oh, with the amount of PWPs and Kink Memes around, slash is definitely also "gay porn". But yeah, it's more than that. It's a social phenomenon that involves creativity and community and the expression of female desire through male gay relationships. If only for that, it's bound to be complex.