the tears of the stars.. are sad...
about a two hours ago.. i ranted. and i thought all was said and done. but i guess not. Why one asks? well to begin with.. its females. that all. i walk into a room where there are guys talking about there wifes leaving them. and i used to say. ' man im glad thats not me." i saw it last time and i see it again. why is that women leave their husband after he left for duty? i have no answer. and i dont want one.
now to continue.
i ask not of forgives. i ask not of love.
i ask not of hope..... i ask not of light
but i ask for pain, for hurt
and i ask for dull sadness...
its it my life to suffer at my own hands? to 'reap what you sow' it looks that way. yes indeed it does. why. ones past has nothing to do with ones self. but it does make your future. and my past is wrong. very wrong. and the man i am now is that the man i thought i would be when i was ten. i thought i would be better at this game called life. only to find out that i have to 'reload my game' twice. it seems that my life will always end in pain and i fear that will be my last thought before i die. Why all the pain?
i can tell you why the pain. cause for those who hate me. for all those of you who think im an ass, jerk, dick and everything else under the sun. i am. i know i am. i can be too at times.
but i am still caring, loving, devoted, kindheart. and a few people can tell you that. i think its cause i still dont trust. why. am i afriad of myself. or maybe who i am?
i sit at my bed now.. thinking about what was happened to my life. what happend to the 'good' peter. what happened to me when i trusted God. Where did i just stray.. .. and turn my back.
am i still good at heart? i think so. i dont know anymore. i have many sins that i must forgive myself. not others forgive me. i hold on to those. why.. cause of the pain they bring to me when i think about them. im sick.. i know that. but why?
i want to know why?
i want to where?
can i be cleaned? i think so. i would hope i could clean my soul. but i think that will take a while. and i know i cant do it myself. i need help of people who love me.
my brother said today that i beat myself up cause if what i did with mindy and leane. he can tell why.. i dont know he know me. he also said that im still trying to repent. but he also said that one reason rachel brings it up is cause she hasnt.
i can understand all that. but i ask why.
i hurt too...
maybe people forgot.. that im still human.. and i still bleed.
maybe my blood is needed for my sins, like that of jesus. maybe i need time alone on a mountain top for guidness..
but maybe.. i just to go back to the beging...
with largo
without sin...
with blood
now to continue.
i ask not of forgives. i ask not of love.
i ask not of hope..... i ask not of light
but i ask for pain, for hurt
and i ask for dull sadness...
its it my life to suffer at my own hands? to 'reap what you sow' it looks that way. yes indeed it does. why. ones past has nothing to do with ones self. but it does make your future. and my past is wrong. very wrong. and the man i am now is that the man i thought i would be when i was ten. i thought i would be better at this game called life. only to find out that i have to 'reload my game' twice. it seems that my life will always end in pain and i fear that will be my last thought before i die. Why all the pain?
i can tell you why the pain. cause for those who hate me. for all those of you who think im an ass, jerk, dick and everything else under the sun. i am. i know i am. i can be too at times.
but i am still caring, loving, devoted, kindheart. and a few people can tell you that. i think its cause i still dont trust. why. am i afriad of myself. or maybe who i am?
i sit at my bed now.. thinking about what was happened to my life. what happend to the 'good' peter. what happened to me when i trusted God. Where did i just stray.. .. and turn my back.
am i still good at heart? i think so. i dont know anymore. i have many sins that i must forgive myself. not others forgive me. i hold on to those. why.. cause of the pain they bring to me when i think about them. im sick.. i know that. but why?
i want to know why?
i want to where?
can i be cleaned? i think so. i would hope i could clean my soul. but i think that will take a while. and i know i cant do it myself. i need help of people who love me.
my brother said today that i beat myself up cause if what i did with mindy and leane. he can tell why.. i dont know he know me. he also said that im still trying to repent. but he also said that one reason rachel brings it up is cause she hasnt.
i can understand all that. but i ask why.
i hurt too...
maybe people forgot.. that im still human.. and i still bleed.
maybe my blood is needed for my sins, like that of jesus. maybe i need time alone on a mountain top for guidness..
but maybe.. i just to go back to the beging...
with largo
without sin...
with blood