笑ないで、my life. 忘れないで、my love. 鳴きないで、my heart. part six.
"It's over now. It's all over."
Part Six
I was a bit hung over but the first thing I did was to go to dress and go to 2MD. Before I got out of the house I ran into Teneal, and she exclaimed, “Casey! I just got a text message from Elizabeth -- you won’t believe what happened to Global House last night. SAO sent out an email to all the members of the dorm.”
What a way to start the morning.
I skipped lunch and breakfast, and went to 2MD - and went straight to Jonas’ room. It turned out that he hadn’t told anyone that I was in on it - except that Ken Kumagai, newly elected vice president, and the dorm president, Takeshi, had figured it out and got it out of him. I felt that I had to tell the truth, and take the blame for my part too. Jonas had had to go to the Student Affairs Office and tell them the whole story, and he was worried that he’d lose his scholarship (which has the stipulation of ‘good behavior’. He had to write a letter of apology. And Ken Kumagai and Takeshi had to go with him, apologizing - though it had nothing to do with 2MD.
Jonas’ room was right next to Kenny’s. I sat there on his floor and found out that Kenny had gone off that weekend, that morning, on a ski trip -- with global house. He would hate me forever, now. He hadn’t been talking to me before, but now -- now there was no hope.
Teddy followed along behind us. He actually came out of the back door of the dorm to meet us at Global House. At the entrance, Takeshi pulled him aside to ask him why he was there, but he said that ‘Ken Kumagai told me I could come’. Yeah, right, whatever.
So Jonas and I spoke with the dorm president of Global House. Ken Kumagai and Takeshi were using keigo - the highest humble form of Japanese; self-deprecating -- and they were doing it because of what I had done.
It was awful to hear and watch. And finally Jonas and I had to explain ourselves to the guy; but what could we say? None of our actions were meant to be hurtful. We hadn’t realized that - since 2MD had lost the Okada cup to Global House on Wednesday - our actions would seem directly related. That wasn’t true at all, though, but I don’t think he believed us.
When I got home I had an email in my inbox from the Student Affairs Office, asking me to meet with them on Monday. I was scared.
That night I sat in the shower and just cried out to God. I was bawling about everything. My stupid choices. The drinking. Kenny. Everything. It was like a weight was lifted off of my shoulders as I realized that I was never in control at all - and that was okay, because I wasn’t supposed to be.
After the shower, I changed. I put on makeup and set my shoulders and went out. See, there was a KGK retreat at a church in Nakano. It had started at 4pm but obviously I’d had other things to do. Natto, Laura, Matt and I all were meeting up at Gut’s Soul for dinner. I of course lamented about my stupid behavior from the night before, and Matt told me it wasn’t that big of a deal and kind of laughed at it. We talked about all sorts of things and I almost felt like things were going to be okay.
As I was walking down the street, looking for Rachel (who was going to meet me), I kept thinking to myself, Kenny’s church is in Nakano. But it was good to have gone. All of my friends in KGK always seem so real, because they are. They are true friends, who genuinely love me and like me both.
Odie was there. And he asked me about how I was doing, and I told him, “Oh Odie. Odie, I think everything’s going to get better.”
We talked for at least an hour - and then I got a text message.
It was from Natto. It read something along the lines of “You are not going to believe this. We have to talk ASAP meet me tomorrow morning.”
I was horrified; what could have possibly happened more?
So the next morning, I found myself with Natto and Laura, sitting in the Freshness Burger of Nakano, facing the window of the street.
Natto diverted me (a little) by telling me about what she had actually been doing with Matt on Thursday night. Well, they had been talking for a while, of course... But then they went back to Matt and Kenny’s room. And then Natto had made out with Matt again, but this time Matt had barely been drinking anything (and Natto wasn’t drunk).
“It was a test,” she said. “To see if he was gay.”
“And?” Laura and I asked. On my part I was skeptical.
“Well, maybe he is but I don’t know,” Natto declared. “It was so awkward for me. Then after like fifteen minutes I told him that you all were downstairs probably expecting me. So he said “Goodnight” and fell asleep just like that!”
I stared at her cluelessly.
“So?” I asked.
“Come on. Hormonal male? And then he just falls asleep?” asked Natto.
I laughed. “Well, maybe Kenny and Matt are secretly just gay for each other,” I suggested.
Ha!
But they told me the reason they had demanded a meeting (even after we had fully discussed the actions and consequences of Thursday night at dinner the night before). While Laura and Natto had been hanging out at Natto’s apartment, Natto got into a facebook chat with Teddy. And Teddy was going crazy.
He was talking about how everyone was upset and basically that he hated me and that “everyone knew about me liking Kenny, and the only reason I went to 2MD anyway was because of him”.
That hurt. Teddy thought he knew so much but he didn’t have a clue! Yes I had started going to 2MD because of Kenny, because he invited me. And I hung out with other people from 2MD without Kenny all the time, and my friendships with them were real - at least on my part. And if he was going around saying something like that, wouldn’t it hurt my friends’ feelings? It’s a cruel thing to say. And it made me more upset than anything.
But then that night I was talking to Laura and Natto again on skype, when I got a message from Ken Kumagai on facebook. I read it and was silent for a bit.
Then Natto asked, “Casey? Casey?”
“I got an email... from 2MD.” And I just began to cry. I don’t cry in front of people but even though they were on the other side of the line I couldn’t help sobbing.
If my life was Fruits Basket, then now I was Kyo, the monster in the rain.
It was all over.
The mail read as follows:
Dear Casey,
As promised, I'm going to tell you about the meeting.
I'm sorry to tell you this, but it appears a large number of guys at 2nd Men's are frustrated and disappointed in your recent actions. If you can`t control yourself when drunk, perhaps it is a better idea not to drink -or at least when you are in 2md. Unfortunately、this is not an isolated incident of your drinking being a problem. Our members believe that you initiated the whole thing, and Jonas was a mere accomplice. What happened on Friday morning was so unlike Jonas's character that we have a hard time believing that he is the main culprit. Despite this, we had to take the blame as 2md, which includes apologizing to the Student's Admission's Office at 8 in the morning and making a report and apology letter on this matter.
As a result of what has happened, there has been a very uncomfortable atmoshphere.
President & Vice President
Takeshi, Ken K
“They didn’t say that you weren’t welcome there, Casey,” Laura and Natto consoled.
“It’s what they implied,” I told her bitterly. “‘....If you can’t control yourself when drinking, then maybe it’s best if you didn’t come at all.’ How is that anything but a rejection?”
On Sunday night I had to go to Global House with Jonas and Ken K and Takeshi and apologize in front of the whole group. There were over 40 people in the room. People I respected and liked and looked up to, even. It was mortifying and terrible, and I just stood there, my only punishment my shame. Nate, Aaron, Carolina, Elizabeth... they were all there.
It was the worst discipline I’d ever gotten.
On Monday I couldn’t even talk to my classmates. Nate finally convinced me that everything was okay and he’d only gone to the meeting because he had to, being on the dorm committee, but it really wasn’t a big deal. He sure was doing a lot of cheering me up around that time. But sure enough no one seemed to be really upset at all, or treating me any differently.
After class I went to SAO. That was shocking. I had stayed up the previous night writing and printing 40 letters of apology for the members of 2MD and letters of apology to the SAO, as well. I arrived with this letter and my head down and slow steps -- but Mizuho-san, the SAO representative, just clapped me on the shoulder and laughed. She laughed!
“Naruhodo, Keishi. Bunkateki no mondai deshita ne!”
She understood that it was just a cultural misunderstanding, and was anything but mad. It was amazing, to me... As if it were blatant favoritism. I had become convinced of my own guilt. Was what I did so bad? I really don’t know.
After the mail I had received, I wasn’t surprised that no one was going to go on the hot springs trip -- the one that we had been planning for that Tuesday. In fact, it ended up being just Matt, Natto, Laura, and I - but with a surprise addition. Matt drove the rental car up to us, with Jonas in the front seat.
This Hot Springs Trip wasn’t like Atami. It wasn’t at a beach, but in the snowy mountains. There was no perfect ratio, but there was something else about it that was just special. The location was amazing, a slice of real, traditional Japan.
On the way up, only an hour and a half from Tokyo, we passed a volcano! An active volcano; smoke and ash was spewing from the top and rolling across the plains. It made me think really seriously about the dangers of things we don’t see. It’s said that from one volcano, the ash can travel across the entire earth. But a volcano... isn’t really that big. It’s just one pimple on the earth - with infinite, endlessness within.
At Shibu, we stayed in a wonderful ryokan. We went hopping from hot spring to hot spring - - if we were to go to all 9 in our trip it was supposed to bring us good luck. For three dollars we bought towels, and stamped them with each bath house we visited. It is still hanging on my wall. A fond memory.
Those baths were very small and simple. But our ryokan also had two hot springs; one split for the genders, inside, and an outdoor one that was co-ed. We of course wouldn’t go to the co-ed one. And in fact, we didn’t even go to our ryokan’s baths until we had had a bit of alcohol. It was hilarious -- we ran out of alcohol too quickly, around 9:30 I would think. But I insisted that we get some, and we find it.
This resulted in a walk in 40 degree weather, in yukata (I was the only one who remembered the second layer, I think) and geta shoes, up and down hills in search of a convenient store that was open and could serve us some booze. We were so helplessly lost. And then suddenly Natto saw a sign in Thai. A Thai restaurant -- in this tiny town!? She walked in and spoke to the owners in Thai, and they were more than a little bit willing to help us out. Even Jonas smiled toothily at the greatness of it.
We of course got back to our rooms after over an hour and a half of walking, and broke into the alcohol. After only a couple of drinks we decided to hit up another bath, the one in the hotel.
I was sitting on the bath stool shaving and washing off while Laura and Natto were heating up in one of the baths. An outjutting part of the wall stood between us. And one part of that wall had a barrier set up at least 10 feet in height; on the other side were the boys. We could hear them talking and complaining about the heat of the water. And then suddenly, Matt’s head appeared over the barrier between rooms.
“Hey how’s the water?” he asked Natto and Laura.
In hot springs, you’re naked. So, Natto and Laura were naked. So Matt saw both of them topless (this freaked them out quite badly). I laughed -- it was funny, because Matt just stayed there, talking to them, though they kept asking him to leave. He just stood there obliviously. Not sending off pervy vibes, not ogling them -- just talking. It was unreal.
After that, Natto, Laura and I decided we wanted to try the co-ed baths. At this point it was so late at night that we figured the other guests wouldn’t be taking a dip. So, we would break the rules and go in our swimsuits (just in case, and, so the boys could come too if they wanted).
Well, the boys said that they didn’t want to come. So we went, and it was beautiful. Since there was no one else there, I finally said ‘screw it’ and took off my swimsuit. The whole time I had felt completely guilty about it anyway. Then, we decided that we should take some pictures together (with rocks and stuff blocking us sketchily).
So I got up and was adjusting my camera settings when suddenly the
It was Matt.
And I was standing there, wet and completely naked.
“Matt!”
I grabbed a towel and brought it up to my chest. I don’t think it actually covered anything more than one boob and my torso. I was in shock - and intoxicated, after all.
But Matt didn’t seem to be staring at me. He was just kind of staring in general, and talking casually- saying something about him and Jonas coming, and then not coming, and whatever.
And suddenly they were joining us in the water. Matt had a towel over his privates; Jonas was using a washing bucket, I think. I had wrapped my hand towel around me, and surprisingly it covered more than Natto or Laura’s two piece swimsuits. Ha!
I guess I think of the event rather matter-of-factly, but the truth is that it’s a bit unbelievable... except that it didn’t feel like Matt was even male at the time. I’ve felt more uncomfortable with guys looking at me when I’d been fully clothed. I’d felt more uncomfortable around other girls! But Matt’s not feminine, or gay I think, but just... unlike anyone else I’ve ever met. I don’t know how to describe it. Natto and Laura and I have discussed it and come to no conclusions.
That night we wanted to drink more, but the boys went to sleep. Matt insisted that he had to sleep. So we drank a bit and then -- and then I thought about how Natto said that Francis had read Matt’s cell phone messages - and so I grabbed his phone and told Natto and Laura to follow me downstairs.
We sat in a waiting room in our yukata and I looked through the messages, thinking and speaking aloud.
Things we learned?
That Matt was still in touch with Saki-chan. And she called him her ‘relationship counselor.’ She asked what she should do with a box of things that Kenny had given her/ memories. For a moment I felt like I could understand her. Didn’t I have my own similar collection, collecting dust on the shelf by my bed?
We read further. And Saki-chan said, that when Kenny broke up with her, he had said he was looking for a motto taisetsu na hito. A person who was more important to him. But she was still hoping that maybe someday they’d get back together...
For Kenny to say that... to someone he had dated for two years? Who loved him? I felt pity for Saki-chan for the first time.
And then I discovered, that on the day that Matt had said ‘Kenny is out with a girl from church’, and he had told Natto that ‘Kenny isn’t tied down/with anyone right now, so...’ he had been lying.
In a message that Matt sent to someone else, Matt said that Kenny had been on a date-date, and that it had gone well and they had already decided to meet up again. I felt angry at Matt for giving me hope when he knew otherwise, but then, I understood exactly why he’d relayed that message. What else could he say? The truth? So, with our eyes opened, we returned to bed and slept.
The next day, we took more baths and we traveled to the place where we could hike to see a bunch of wild monkeys bathing in the hot springs. It was as awesome as we could have expected, and we took a lot of fun pictures together in the huge piles of snow.
The hot springs trip. In the end, we felt like it had been one of the most amazing trips ever, and that everyone who hadn’t gone had missed out. And that’s how we decided, on the way home, that we had to do it again. And we would go to Thailand in August.
I went back to my house; I studied; something I had neglected for Kenny. In the times off, I watched Pride & Prejudice. I felt like Elizabeth on that swing, watching the world and the seasons spinning around her. There was a sort of emptiness now that I couldn’t describe. So I didn’t. I absorbed myself in stories of other people. My story was over, it seemed, and it was time to find another to reflect myself through. This is how I thought.
Valentine’s Day came.
I made brownies - and wrapped them up and left them for all the boys of 2MD. I even left one for Kenny like I had promised. It was smaller than Matt’s, but I left a note with it (identical to everyone else’s) though I signed it with my name in the kanji that he’d given me as a joke. Of course I didn’t hear back from him anyway, nor did I expect it.
Laura and Natto and I met up every weekend in February. One night, one of her Thai friends was having a celebration for his independent film having been shown in Ueno. So Laura and I were invited along to a drinking party at an izakaya in Nakano. Matt came along, too. I sat across from them, though at one point I moved over between Matt and Natto and then Matt was resting his hand on my thigh and I am pretty sure he kissed me on the cheek. Natto acted jealous in a way - from the attention, really, I think - whether or not she liked Matt, I think she didn’t like the fact that he was acting that way toward someone else either. But the night continued, and I drank and drank but nothing was... nothing was any good. So I drank more, and more, and so much that I ended up having to lay down on the floor in the hallway to keep from throwing up. It was terrible and it cost over 3000 yen that I didn’t have.
There were two more times that I went out drinking, at the end of the semester. But it just wasn't fun. I sat there staring into space -- bored. I had never had that problem before. I had always had Kenny before. Now I kept insisting that everyone drink so I could have an excuse to get trashed. So I could do something to get excited, to not feel so bored and alone.
Finally the semester ended. I had had so much work and so many projects in the last three weeks that I hadn’t had time to think of much anything else. And then I remembered that I was going to be leaving Japan.
Matt was going to India at the beginning of March, so he invited Laura, Natto, and I over to 2MD to hang out one more time before he left and we wouldn’t see each other for some months. I was so nervous when I came in, and slipped into the social room to see my friends. But they assured me it was okay and I tried to agree... Jonas came downstairs and was miserable, though we tried to cheer him up. We wore all of Natto’s glasses and though Laura drank enough to throw up three times, I barely had a cup. We slept over on futons on the floor of the social room. It was such a reminder of how I had fallen from grace.
The next morning we were waking up, and I was slowly trying to adjust when I heard Kenny’s voice in the hallway outside the social room. He was talking to Natto, friendlily it seemed. I didn’t even see him.
But that afternoon, Matt called Natto. He was angry. With Kenny.
After we had left, Kenny had told Matt that we had been too loud and asked what he was doing having us over, etc. He was complaining and Matt flipped. Matt, the unflippable. He had told Kenny ‘What the fuck ever. You’re louder all the time and we were in the social room with the doors closed, three stories down, and you’re not even in school.’
It really started to hit me that Kenny... was immature.
The next time I saw Laura and Natto was a few days before I had to leave the country, to go back to America. They came over and we watched Pride & Prejudice, and then I had a small group of friends who were throwing a party for me at Gusto (Odie, Rachel, Teneal, and two other people from KGK). That morning, Nikki had finally uploaded the pictures of all of us together at Karaoke onto facebook. I stared at the pictures and then forceably closed the window and focused on Mr. Darcy and Elizabeth and something else, something that isn’t sad. Natto and Laura consoled me a little, and I had packing to finish and I had to clean out my room to sub-let it. As we went I found scraps of paper from notebooks and all sorts of things and sometimes they related to him, and I showed my friends and began to purge. Then it was time to go to Gusto, so I walked my friends as far as Guutara Ramen. We were standing outside, starting to say our goodbyes, when, bam.
It was him.
I saw him from behind, sitting at the bar. He wasn’t talking; just eating. He was wearing a jacket that I didn’t know, but those had to be his hiking shoes and just the way he sat and it was him, I just knew it. But I didn’t want to say anything if I didn’t have to because wouldn’t it look pathetic that I could tell? (And I could after all be wrong)
But I quieted my voice and became more demure and less energetic when I usually would’ve embraced giddily. Laura took pictures of me with Natto and I could barely smile. It was awful, but I said goodbye all the same.
When I arrived at Gusto, there was a missed call and a text message waiting for me.
“I KNEW IT!” I exclaimed, and threw my hand out from me. Of course the drama followed me! But I didn’t want to deal with it, yet, so I ignored my phone and focused on my friends.
We went to the drink bar and put everything together and made a horrible concoction. Then Odie wanted me to drink it. And suddenly he began to sing Aladdin - a whole new world.
I wanted to stop him, but suddenly, inspiration hit. And so I changed a sad memory to one of laughter. We called the video, “A Whole New Hurl”. What more needs to be said?
After dinner, Odie and I stayed up talking about everything that had happened. We said goodbye around 1 am and finally I checked my mail and found out what had happened at Guutara Ramen.
Apparently Natto and Laura and Kenny had suddenly made eye contact and it had been the most awkward thing in the world. They had barely said anything; then Natto and Laura sat at one of the tables, and finally got up the courage to go up to him and ask how he was doing. But at that moment one of the waiters asked Kenny if he wanted to join their table. He couldn’t exactly say anything at that point, so he joined them. And finally they began to talk and it turned out that Kenny wasn’t going to Kyoto for his job. He had quit. He was going to another four years of school instead.
“I didn’t have to do anything!” I realized, horribly. “I didn’t have to push so hard. I didn’t have to lose him.”
But I did. And my flight left, and I watched the land shrink beneath me and be left behind.
Colorado was a big change. I had gone from the most populated place on earth to the least populated part of America with the exception of Alaska. I was in the mountains at elevation over 9,000 feet. There was snow. There were new people. They were all white and they only spoke English. Half of the time I would begin to speak and have to change my thinking. Even in the way I dealt with them, I was more Japanese than American. I kept hoping that they would ‘read the air’ and sense what I was thinking, feeling, needing. They didn’t, of course. And slowly I’m learning again how to be more assertive about those things.
And I was doing all right.
I met a boy named Aaron and we became friends once he realized that we had similar taste in music (he’s a music major, and wants to have a career in music ministry). We talked about Raul Midon and Michael Buble and Jamie Cullum and jazz. I admitted to him that
By the end of April, I was able to listen to Michael Buble again, but I still can’t listen to Raul Midon.
But I was doing all right.
And then one morning I came in from doing kitchen work and opened my computer. And there, in my inbox, his name! A message, from him! I slammed shut my laptop and I shoved it from myself and cried out, ‘agggh!!!’.
Why now!? Why now!? I had gone as far away as I could, and yet he insisted on returning in some way, in not allowing my escape -- and without even a decent turn of phrase.
He used polite, formal language; he only wrote two lines. Why?!
And yet at the same time I couldn’t block the happy expectation that perhaps everything would be okay again. Oh that persistent, stupid, hope!
After a day had passed I finally knew how to reply. I acted like a friend, happy to hear from him. The same as always. Perhaps we could have our friendship again.
And then he did not reply for nearly two weeks, during which all of my old feelings returned to the surface and swelled within me like a returned cancer.
Finally, he did respond, and this time he used exclamation points and plain form, like before. But.. he also told me that he was going to seminary. THIS was a detail that Natto and Laura had left out (perhaps they hadn’t understood what the word meant). He specifically stated that he hoped to go into ministry - maybe something English related, or become a pastor of a church.
Of course I buried my face in my hands.
Why was it still that he seemed in so many ways like my dream? Why did I still love him (and why do I still love him, when hate would be much more logical...)? I know that part of the reason is that I don’t hate people; it’s not in my nature to do that to anyone. I cannot even stay angry with them. I don’t hold grudges.
It is difficult for me even to not blame myself for Kenny.
Something I discovered in the month of May -- that the girl from church who Kenny had gone out with that one time in January -- is stringing Kenny along. She is a freshman at the seminary, too. And she sounds inexplicably out of touch. I heard from Laura, who heard from Natto, who heard from Matt, who heard from Kenny -- that she won’t date until she graduates. Further, Kenny is willing to wait. Further than that, Kenny and another guy both like this girl. So what does she do? She asks Kenny and this boy to meet up with her at the same time over lunch one day so they can all, and I quote, ‘discuss their feelings’. But she won’t decide between either of them. And nothing could have been profited from such a meeting (when she intends to do nothing) but to boost her self-esteem. In a way it seems as if turnabout is fair play.
Yet I’m not happy about it. I’m merely embarrassed for Kenny... And upset by this girl (who I certainly see no reason to respect). But I will let that aside for now, because it no longer concerns me.
But as Kenny -- Why did he do it? Why did he do it? I had known from the beginning that my heart was going to be broken, so I was keeping it under control. I thought I had it under control, and now there was nothing that I could do but keep loving him anyway.
I should’ve listened to God. But isn’t that always the case?
I know that he doesn’t care for me now. I don’t know what he’s thinking. But I do know that it’s time that I stop thinking of him like this.
It’s hard to suddenly remove oneself from a best friend, a person who mattered so much in one’s life, but that’s what I have to do. That’s why I’m here, and not there. That’s why I have told this. The whole story.
Now that the river has been freed from its banks, I hope that it flows, flows, flows, away from me. The stagnation is leaving, and I turn away from it, for there is only more to come ahead. Further upstream, somewhere that I can’t see, there is still a bright future. I wait for it, eagerly anticipating it, and all that the fresh water will bring.
Part Six
I was a bit hung over but the first thing I did was to go to dress and go to 2MD. Before I got out of the house I ran into Teneal, and she exclaimed, “Casey! I just got a text message from Elizabeth -- you won’t believe what happened to Global House last night. SAO sent out an email to all the members of the dorm.”
What a way to start the morning.
I skipped lunch and breakfast, and went to 2MD - and went straight to Jonas’ room. It turned out that he hadn’t told anyone that I was in on it - except that Ken Kumagai, newly elected vice president, and the dorm president, Takeshi, had figured it out and got it out of him. I felt that I had to tell the truth, and take the blame for my part too. Jonas had had to go to the Student Affairs Office and tell them the whole story, and he was worried that he’d lose his scholarship (which has the stipulation of ‘good behavior’. He had to write a letter of apology. And Ken Kumagai and Takeshi had to go with him, apologizing - though it had nothing to do with 2MD.
Jonas’ room was right next to Kenny’s. I sat there on his floor and found out that Kenny had gone off that weekend, that morning, on a ski trip -- with global house. He would hate me forever, now. He hadn’t been talking to me before, but now -- now there was no hope.
Teddy followed along behind us. He actually came out of the back door of the dorm to meet us at Global House. At the entrance, Takeshi pulled him aside to ask him why he was there, but he said that ‘Ken Kumagai told me I could come’. Yeah, right, whatever.
So Jonas and I spoke with the dorm president of Global House. Ken Kumagai and Takeshi were using keigo - the highest humble form of Japanese; self-deprecating -- and they were doing it because of what I had done.
It was awful to hear and watch. And finally Jonas and I had to explain ourselves to the guy; but what could we say? None of our actions were meant to be hurtful. We hadn’t realized that - since 2MD had lost the Okada cup to Global House on Wednesday - our actions would seem directly related. That wasn’t true at all, though, but I don’t think he believed us.
When I got home I had an email in my inbox from the Student Affairs Office, asking me to meet with them on Monday. I was scared.
That night I sat in the shower and just cried out to God. I was bawling about everything. My stupid choices. The drinking. Kenny. Everything. It was like a weight was lifted off of my shoulders as I realized that I was never in control at all - and that was okay, because I wasn’t supposed to be.
After the shower, I changed. I put on makeup and set my shoulders and went out. See, there was a KGK retreat at a church in Nakano. It had started at 4pm but obviously I’d had other things to do. Natto, Laura, Matt and I all were meeting up at Gut’s Soul for dinner. I of course lamented about my stupid behavior from the night before, and Matt told me it wasn’t that big of a deal and kind of laughed at it. We talked about all sorts of things and I almost felt like things were going to be okay.
As I was walking down the street, looking for Rachel (who was going to meet me), I kept thinking to myself, Kenny’s church is in Nakano. But it was good to have gone. All of my friends in KGK always seem so real, because they are. They are true friends, who genuinely love me and like me both.
Odie was there. And he asked me about how I was doing, and I told him, “Oh Odie. Odie, I think everything’s going to get better.”
We talked for at least an hour - and then I got a text message.
It was from Natto. It read something along the lines of “You are not going to believe this. We have to talk ASAP meet me tomorrow morning.”
I was horrified; what could have possibly happened more?
So the next morning, I found myself with Natto and Laura, sitting in the Freshness Burger of Nakano, facing the window of the street.
Natto diverted me (a little) by telling me about what she had actually been doing with Matt on Thursday night. Well, they had been talking for a while, of course... But then they went back to Matt and Kenny’s room. And then Natto had made out with Matt again, but this time Matt had barely been drinking anything (and Natto wasn’t drunk).
“It was a test,” she said. “To see if he was gay.”
“And?” Laura and I asked. On my part I was skeptical.
“Well, maybe he is but I don’t know,” Natto declared. “It was so awkward for me. Then after like fifteen minutes I told him that you all were downstairs probably expecting me. So he said “Goodnight” and fell asleep just like that!”
I stared at her cluelessly.
“So?” I asked.
“Come on. Hormonal male? And then he just falls asleep?” asked Natto.
I laughed. “Well, maybe Kenny and Matt are secretly just gay for each other,” I suggested.
Ha!
But they told me the reason they had demanded a meeting (even after we had fully discussed the actions and consequences of Thursday night at dinner the night before). While Laura and Natto had been hanging out at Natto’s apartment, Natto got into a facebook chat with Teddy. And Teddy was going crazy.
He was talking about how everyone was upset and basically that he hated me and that “everyone knew about me liking Kenny, and the only reason I went to 2MD anyway was because of him”.
That hurt. Teddy thought he knew so much but he didn’t have a clue! Yes I had started going to 2MD because of Kenny, because he invited me. And I hung out with other people from 2MD without Kenny all the time, and my friendships with them were real - at least on my part. And if he was going around saying something like that, wouldn’t it hurt my friends’ feelings? It’s a cruel thing to say. And it made me more upset than anything.
But then that night I was talking to Laura and Natto again on skype, when I got a message from Ken Kumagai on facebook. I read it and was silent for a bit.
Then Natto asked, “Casey? Casey?”
“I got an email... from 2MD.” And I just began to cry. I don’t cry in front of people but even though they were on the other side of the line I couldn’t help sobbing.
If my life was Fruits Basket, then now I was Kyo, the monster in the rain.
It was all over.
The mail read as follows:
Dear Casey,
As promised, I'm going to tell you about the meeting.
I'm sorry to tell you this, but it appears a large number of guys at 2nd Men's are frustrated and disappointed in your recent actions. If you can`t control yourself when drunk, perhaps it is a better idea not to drink -or at least when you are in 2md. Unfortunately、this is not an isolated incident of your drinking being a problem. Our members believe that you initiated the whole thing, and Jonas was a mere accomplice. What happened on Friday morning was so unlike Jonas's character that we have a hard time believing that he is the main culprit. Despite this, we had to take the blame as 2md, which includes apologizing to the Student's Admission's Office at 8 in the morning and making a report and apology letter on this matter.
As a result of what has happened, there has been a very uncomfortable atmoshphere.
President & Vice President
Takeshi, Ken K
“They didn’t say that you weren’t welcome there, Casey,” Laura and Natto consoled.
“It’s what they implied,” I told her bitterly. “‘....If you can’t control yourself when drinking, then maybe it’s best if you didn’t come at all.’ How is that anything but a rejection?”
On Sunday night I had to go to Global House with Jonas and Ken K and Takeshi and apologize in front of the whole group. There were over 40 people in the room. People I respected and liked and looked up to, even. It was mortifying and terrible, and I just stood there, my only punishment my shame. Nate, Aaron, Carolina, Elizabeth... they were all there.
It was the worst discipline I’d ever gotten.
On Monday I couldn’t even talk to my classmates. Nate finally convinced me that everything was okay and he’d only gone to the meeting because he had to, being on the dorm committee, but it really wasn’t a big deal. He sure was doing a lot of cheering me up around that time. But sure enough no one seemed to be really upset at all, or treating me any differently.
After class I went to SAO. That was shocking. I had stayed up the previous night writing and printing 40 letters of apology for the members of 2MD and letters of apology to the SAO, as well. I arrived with this letter and my head down and slow steps -- but Mizuho-san, the SAO representative, just clapped me on the shoulder and laughed. She laughed!
“Naruhodo, Keishi. Bunkateki no mondai deshita ne!”
She understood that it was just a cultural misunderstanding, and was anything but mad. It was amazing, to me... As if it were blatant favoritism. I had become convinced of my own guilt. Was what I did so bad? I really don’t know.
After the mail I had received, I wasn’t surprised that no one was going to go on the hot springs trip -- the one that we had been planning for that Tuesday. In fact, it ended up being just Matt, Natto, Laura, and I - but with a surprise addition. Matt drove the rental car up to us, with Jonas in the front seat.
This Hot Springs Trip wasn’t like Atami. It wasn’t at a beach, but in the snowy mountains. There was no perfect ratio, but there was something else about it that was just special. The location was amazing, a slice of real, traditional Japan.
On the way up, only an hour and a half from Tokyo, we passed a volcano! An active volcano; smoke and ash was spewing from the top and rolling across the plains. It made me think really seriously about the dangers of things we don’t see. It’s said that from one volcano, the ash can travel across the entire earth. But a volcano... isn’t really that big. It’s just one pimple on the earth - with infinite, endlessness within.
At Shibu, we stayed in a wonderful ryokan. We went hopping from hot spring to hot spring - - if we were to go to all 9 in our trip it was supposed to bring us good luck. For three dollars we bought towels, and stamped them with each bath house we visited. It is still hanging on my wall. A fond memory.
Those baths were very small and simple. But our ryokan also had two hot springs; one split for the genders, inside, and an outdoor one that was co-ed. We of course wouldn’t go to the co-ed one. And in fact, we didn’t even go to our ryokan’s baths until we had had a bit of alcohol. It was hilarious -- we ran out of alcohol too quickly, around 9:30 I would think. But I insisted that we get some, and we find it.
This resulted in a walk in 40 degree weather, in yukata (I was the only one who remembered the second layer, I think) and geta shoes, up and down hills in search of a convenient store that was open and could serve us some booze. We were so helplessly lost. And then suddenly Natto saw a sign in Thai. A Thai restaurant -- in this tiny town!? She walked in and spoke to the owners in Thai, and they were more than a little bit willing to help us out. Even Jonas smiled toothily at the greatness of it.
We of course got back to our rooms after over an hour and a half of walking, and broke into the alcohol. After only a couple of drinks we decided to hit up another bath, the one in the hotel.
I was sitting on the bath stool shaving and washing off while Laura and Natto were heating up in one of the baths. An outjutting part of the wall stood between us. And one part of that wall had a barrier set up at least 10 feet in height; on the other side were the boys. We could hear them talking and complaining about the heat of the water. And then suddenly, Matt’s head appeared over the barrier between rooms.
“Hey how’s the water?” he asked Natto and Laura.
In hot springs, you’re naked. So, Natto and Laura were naked. So Matt saw both of them topless (this freaked them out quite badly). I laughed -- it was funny, because Matt just stayed there, talking to them, though they kept asking him to leave. He just stood there obliviously. Not sending off pervy vibes, not ogling them -- just talking. It was unreal.
After that, Natto, Laura and I decided we wanted to try the co-ed baths. At this point it was so late at night that we figured the other guests wouldn’t be taking a dip. So, we would break the rules and go in our swimsuits (just in case, and, so the boys could come too if they wanted).
Well, the boys said that they didn’t want to come. So we went, and it was beautiful. Since there was no one else there, I finally said ‘screw it’ and took off my swimsuit. The whole time I had felt completely guilty about it anyway. Then, we decided that we should take some pictures together (with rocks and stuff blocking us sketchily).
So I got up and was adjusting my camera settings when suddenly the
It was Matt.
And I was standing there, wet and completely naked.
“Matt!”
I grabbed a towel and brought it up to my chest. I don’t think it actually covered anything more than one boob and my torso. I was in shock - and intoxicated, after all.
But Matt didn’t seem to be staring at me. He was just kind of staring in general, and talking casually- saying something about him and Jonas coming, and then not coming, and whatever.
And suddenly they were joining us in the water. Matt had a towel over his privates; Jonas was using a washing bucket, I think. I had wrapped my hand towel around me, and surprisingly it covered more than Natto or Laura’s two piece swimsuits. Ha!
I guess I think of the event rather matter-of-factly, but the truth is that it’s a bit unbelievable... except that it didn’t feel like Matt was even male at the time. I’ve felt more uncomfortable with guys looking at me when I’d been fully clothed. I’d felt more uncomfortable around other girls! But Matt’s not feminine, or gay I think, but just... unlike anyone else I’ve ever met. I don’t know how to describe it. Natto and Laura and I have discussed it and come to no conclusions.
That night we wanted to drink more, but the boys went to sleep. Matt insisted that he had to sleep. So we drank a bit and then -- and then I thought about how Natto said that Francis had read Matt’s cell phone messages - and so I grabbed his phone and told Natto and Laura to follow me downstairs.
We sat in a waiting room in our yukata and I looked through the messages, thinking and speaking aloud.
Things we learned?
That Matt was still in touch with Saki-chan. And she called him her ‘relationship counselor.’ She asked what she should do with a box of things that Kenny had given her/ memories. For a moment I felt like I could understand her. Didn’t I have my own similar collection, collecting dust on the shelf by my bed?
We read further. And Saki-chan said, that when Kenny broke up with her, he had said he was looking for a motto taisetsu na hito. A person who was more important to him. But she was still hoping that maybe someday they’d get back together...
For Kenny to say that... to someone he had dated for two years? Who loved him? I felt pity for Saki-chan for the first time.
And then I discovered, that on the day that Matt had said ‘Kenny is out with a girl from church’, and he had told Natto that ‘Kenny isn’t tied down/with anyone right now, so...’ he had been lying.
In a message that Matt sent to someone else, Matt said that Kenny had been on a date-date, and that it had gone well and they had already decided to meet up again. I felt angry at Matt for giving me hope when he knew otherwise, but then, I understood exactly why he’d relayed that message. What else could he say? The truth? So, with our eyes opened, we returned to bed and slept.
The next day, we took more baths and we traveled to the place where we could hike to see a bunch of wild monkeys bathing in the hot springs. It was as awesome as we could have expected, and we took a lot of fun pictures together in the huge piles of snow.
The hot springs trip. In the end, we felt like it had been one of the most amazing trips ever, and that everyone who hadn’t gone had missed out. And that’s how we decided, on the way home, that we had to do it again. And we would go to Thailand in August.
I went back to my house; I studied; something I had neglected for Kenny. In the times off, I watched Pride & Prejudice. I felt like Elizabeth on that swing, watching the world and the seasons spinning around her. There was a sort of emptiness now that I couldn’t describe. So I didn’t. I absorbed myself in stories of other people. My story was over, it seemed, and it was time to find another to reflect myself through. This is how I thought.
Valentine’s Day came.
I made brownies - and wrapped them up and left them for all the boys of 2MD. I even left one for Kenny like I had promised. It was smaller than Matt’s, but I left a note with it (identical to everyone else’s) though I signed it with my name in the kanji that he’d given me as a joke. Of course I didn’t hear back from him anyway, nor did I expect it.
Laura and Natto and I met up every weekend in February. One night, one of her Thai friends was having a celebration for his independent film having been shown in Ueno. So Laura and I were invited along to a drinking party at an izakaya in Nakano. Matt came along, too. I sat across from them, though at one point I moved over between Matt and Natto and then Matt was resting his hand on my thigh and I am pretty sure he kissed me on the cheek. Natto acted jealous in a way - from the attention, really, I think - whether or not she liked Matt, I think she didn’t like the fact that he was acting that way toward someone else either. But the night continued, and I drank and drank but nothing was... nothing was any good. So I drank more, and more, and so much that I ended up having to lay down on the floor in the hallway to keep from throwing up. It was terrible and it cost over 3000 yen that I didn’t have.
There were two more times that I went out drinking, at the end of the semester. But it just wasn't fun. I sat there staring into space -- bored. I had never had that problem before. I had always had Kenny before. Now I kept insisting that everyone drink so I could have an excuse to get trashed. So I could do something to get excited, to not feel so bored and alone.
Finally the semester ended. I had had so much work and so many projects in the last three weeks that I hadn’t had time to think of much anything else. And then I remembered that I was going to be leaving Japan.
Matt was going to India at the beginning of March, so he invited Laura, Natto, and I over to 2MD to hang out one more time before he left and we wouldn’t see each other for some months. I was so nervous when I came in, and slipped into the social room to see my friends. But they assured me it was okay and I tried to agree... Jonas came downstairs and was miserable, though we tried to cheer him up. We wore all of Natto’s glasses and though Laura drank enough to throw up three times, I barely had a cup. We slept over on futons on the floor of the social room. It was such a reminder of how I had fallen from grace.
The next morning we were waking up, and I was slowly trying to adjust when I heard Kenny’s voice in the hallway outside the social room. He was talking to Natto, friendlily it seemed. I didn’t even see him.
But that afternoon, Matt called Natto. He was angry. With Kenny.
After we had left, Kenny had told Matt that we had been too loud and asked what he was doing having us over, etc. He was complaining and Matt flipped. Matt, the unflippable. He had told Kenny ‘What the fuck ever. You’re louder all the time and we were in the social room with the doors closed, three stories down, and you’re not even in school.’
It really started to hit me that Kenny... was immature.
The next time I saw Laura and Natto was a few days before I had to leave the country, to go back to America. They came over and we watched Pride & Prejudice, and then I had a small group of friends who were throwing a party for me at Gusto (Odie, Rachel, Teneal, and two other people from KGK). That morning, Nikki had finally uploaded the pictures of all of us together at Karaoke onto facebook. I stared at the pictures and then forceably closed the window and focused on Mr. Darcy and Elizabeth and something else, something that isn’t sad. Natto and Laura consoled me a little, and I had packing to finish and I had to clean out my room to sub-let it. As we went I found scraps of paper from notebooks and all sorts of things and sometimes they related to him, and I showed my friends and began to purge. Then it was time to go to Gusto, so I walked my friends as far as Guutara Ramen. We were standing outside, starting to say our goodbyes, when, bam.
It was him.
I saw him from behind, sitting at the bar. He wasn’t talking; just eating. He was wearing a jacket that I didn’t know, but those had to be his hiking shoes and just the way he sat and it was him, I just knew it. But I didn’t want to say anything if I didn’t have to because wouldn’t it look pathetic that I could tell? (And I could after all be wrong)
But I quieted my voice and became more demure and less energetic when I usually would’ve embraced giddily. Laura took pictures of me with Natto and I could barely smile. It was awful, but I said goodbye all the same.
When I arrived at Gusto, there was a missed call and a text message waiting for me.
“I KNEW IT!” I exclaimed, and threw my hand out from me. Of course the drama followed me! But I didn’t want to deal with it, yet, so I ignored my phone and focused on my friends.
We went to the drink bar and put everything together and made a horrible concoction. Then Odie wanted me to drink it. And suddenly he began to sing Aladdin - a whole new world.
I wanted to stop him, but suddenly, inspiration hit. And so I changed a sad memory to one of laughter. We called the video, “A Whole New Hurl”. What more needs to be said?
After dinner, Odie and I stayed up talking about everything that had happened. We said goodbye around 1 am and finally I checked my mail and found out what had happened at Guutara Ramen.
Apparently Natto and Laura and Kenny had suddenly made eye contact and it had been the most awkward thing in the world. They had barely said anything; then Natto and Laura sat at one of the tables, and finally got up the courage to go up to him and ask how he was doing. But at that moment one of the waiters asked Kenny if he wanted to join their table. He couldn’t exactly say anything at that point, so he joined them. And finally they began to talk and it turned out that Kenny wasn’t going to Kyoto for his job. He had quit. He was going to another four years of school instead.
“I didn’t have to do anything!” I realized, horribly. “I didn’t have to push so hard. I didn’t have to lose him.”
But I did. And my flight left, and I watched the land shrink beneath me and be left behind.
Colorado was a big change. I had gone from the most populated place on earth to the least populated part of America with the exception of Alaska. I was in the mountains at elevation over 9,000 feet. There was snow. There were new people. They were all white and they only spoke English. Half of the time I would begin to speak and have to change my thinking. Even in the way I dealt with them, I was more Japanese than American. I kept hoping that they would ‘read the air’ and sense what I was thinking, feeling, needing. They didn’t, of course. And slowly I’m learning again how to be more assertive about those things.
And I was doing all right.
I met a boy named Aaron and we became friends once he realized that we had similar taste in music (he’s a music major, and wants to have a career in music ministry). We talked about Raul Midon and Michael Buble and Jamie Cullum and jazz. I admitted to him that
By the end of April, I was able to listen to Michael Buble again, but I still can’t listen to Raul Midon.
But I was doing all right.
And then one morning I came in from doing kitchen work and opened my computer. And there, in my inbox, his name! A message, from him! I slammed shut my laptop and I shoved it from myself and cried out, ‘agggh!!!’.
Why now!? Why now!? I had gone as far away as I could, and yet he insisted on returning in some way, in not allowing my escape -- and without even a decent turn of phrase.
He used polite, formal language; he only wrote two lines. Why?!
And yet at the same time I couldn’t block the happy expectation that perhaps everything would be okay again. Oh that persistent, stupid, hope!
After a day had passed I finally knew how to reply. I acted like a friend, happy to hear from him. The same as always. Perhaps we could have our friendship again.
And then he did not reply for nearly two weeks, during which all of my old feelings returned to the surface and swelled within me like a returned cancer.
Finally, he did respond, and this time he used exclamation points and plain form, like before. But.. he also told me that he was going to seminary. THIS was a detail that Natto and Laura had left out (perhaps they hadn’t understood what the word meant). He specifically stated that he hoped to go into ministry - maybe something English related, or become a pastor of a church.
Of course I buried my face in my hands.
Why was it still that he seemed in so many ways like my dream? Why did I still love him (and why do I still love him, when hate would be much more logical...)? I know that part of the reason is that I don’t hate people; it’s not in my nature to do that to anyone. I cannot even stay angry with them. I don’t hold grudges.
It is difficult for me even to not blame myself for Kenny.
Something I discovered in the month of May -- that the girl from church who Kenny had gone out with that one time in January -- is stringing Kenny along. She is a freshman at the seminary, too. And she sounds inexplicably out of touch. I heard from Laura, who heard from Natto, who heard from Matt, who heard from Kenny -- that she won’t date until she graduates. Further, Kenny is willing to wait. Further than that, Kenny and another guy both like this girl. So what does she do? She asks Kenny and this boy to meet up with her at the same time over lunch one day so they can all, and I quote, ‘discuss their feelings’. But she won’t decide between either of them. And nothing could have been profited from such a meeting (when she intends to do nothing) but to boost her self-esteem. In a way it seems as if turnabout is fair play.
Yet I’m not happy about it. I’m merely embarrassed for Kenny... And upset by this girl (who I certainly see no reason to respect). But I will let that aside for now, because it no longer concerns me.
But as Kenny -- Why did he do it? Why did he do it? I had known from the beginning that my heart was going to be broken, so I was keeping it under control. I thought I had it under control, and now there was nothing that I could do but keep loving him anyway.
I should’ve listened to God. But isn’t that always the case?
I know that he doesn’t care for me now. I don’t know what he’s thinking. But I do know that it’s time that I stop thinking of him like this.
It’s hard to suddenly remove oneself from a best friend, a person who mattered so much in one’s life, but that’s what I have to do. That’s why I’m here, and not there. That’s why I have told this. The whole story.
Now that the river has been freed from its banks, I hope that it flows, flows, flows, away from me. The stagnation is leaving, and I turn away from it, for there is only more to come ahead. Further upstream, somewhere that I can’t see, there is still a bright future. I wait for it, eagerly anticipating it, and all that the fresh water will bring.